You have got nothing to be ashamed of, your getting the thoughts and panicky feeling because your mind hates it so much its thinking of the worst possible thing that could happen and the fear is feeding the thoughts if you can try to control the fear the thoughts will get less and less
---------- Post added at 13:24 ---------- Previous post was at 11:51 ----------
Please don't beat yourseld up about this it is nothing to be ashamed of your not a bad person for having these thoughts its just because in your mind its the worst possible thing that could happen to you and from the your fearing the thoughts something that helps me is to laugh when you get one the more silly you make it the better because you will start to not have the fear of the thoughts coming