Hello forum users, I just joined.
Firstly, thank you for this platform, I've been reading some posts on here and really wish you all ease in whatever difficulties you are going through.
I just want to acknowledge that I know that no one can give me a formal diagnosis on if I have GAD or OCD or any other suggestions but because I cannot trust my mind so just looking for objective responses. My situation is quite complex (or maybe not) so I'll understand if people read this and think "don't know". If you respond, thank you. If you choose not to, I completely get it because this is long and draining.
I am also aware that forum rules say something about sexual content not being allowed, I am a 30 year woman who is a (happy) virgin so don't have much to disclose about anything I have engaged with other than thoughts of which I'll be sensitive in my word choice. If this isnt appropriate and my post is removed, totally fine.
The issue
I have been analyzing my sexual orientation for 2 years now. I have hit real lows, real bad lows (never suicidal) that have kept me for the most part indoors. I lost a promotion and a job due to this mental stress and basically I wouldnt wish this type of mental agony on anyone as I am sure many of you relate.
What started out as an analysis of my life for self awareness purposes ended up turning into a 2 year non stop analyzing of what my sexual orientation is. As stated as a 30 year old woman I have never been with anyone romantically or physically. I have never dated, kissed or been on a date. These have all been for deliberate purposes. I like being alone and I have very little motivation for romantic or physical intimacy with anyone. I could analyse why, maybe there are deep fear there. I grew up in a decent home but didnt grow up learning any emotional development. Feelings are not discussed in my family and I started daydreaming and acting out daydreams from age 14 and onwards. I pretended to be someone else (an actress, a singer etc) and in a moment in the privacy of my own bedroom I'd escape my reality. I still daydream now and its unfortunately a very hard habit too break.
Back to the point of this post, whilst I have never been with anyone I can identify an attraction more romantic to the opposite gender. My thing is though I just have little motivation to do anything with that attraction because around real people I have a low libido and also do not want any romantic companion, im good you know. Around actual women, no I have never felt any desire or attraction. Seems really straight forward, I would say I was close to being asexual and hetroroantic (romantic attraction to the opposite gender).
But I then pondered on my long history (15 years on and off but not always frequently) watching lesbian content online, being aroused and then switching it off to fantasize about women sexually. I never analysed why I did it and frankly I got exposed to lesbian erotic movies at around aged 14 and it stuck kind of. I then in the midst of this analysing got anxiety and stress and then started watching more lesbian content, switched it off to then have more lesbain fantasies and then my first orgasm to such fantasies and then got addicted. I then thought back to being a teen aged 14 and having an innocent chat with a girl on teen chat and then her turning the conversation to asking if I wanted to have a sexual chat (just text, no pictures,videos). I said sure, it lasted a few minutes and then it ended. Whilst I was aroused to the chat, it never continued after that one time I guess I just wasn't interested enough to go back to it. I also thought back to being aged 15-17 around that time maybe 2 or 3 times I private messaged girls in chat rooms and pretended to be a boy and chat them up romantically I think not sexually but it was those few times and ended, I guess it didnt sti whatever that was.
For 2 years I have nit picked everything and yet the desire for women in acutal flesh who exist is not there. I went to lgbt sites and some straight forums and was told I was bisexual or most likely a lesbian for only being able to orgasm to thoughts of women not men (I can think of men and be aroused but its hard to imagine what it would feel like to be with a man do to the different biology). They also said that it was not normal for people who have no same sex desires to watch sexual content online and then switch it off to fanatsize and for the time length that I have and that I was in denial when I explained to them that my thoughts about making out with a woman only ever occured when I first watched content online and then switching it off to think of women. This is important because if I do not watch lesbain content online my lesbian fantasies disappear and this has been the pattern for 15 years.
For the past 2 years life has been on hold. I wake up most mornings trying to figure out what I am? I really do mind calling myself bisexual or lesbian, what my issue is how do I explain it "ohh hello I am bisexual/lesbian but I dont date or feel attracted to women in flesh only mostly imaginary women in my fantasies of which only appear after I am aroused from watching lesbian content online?". I've also developed paranoia around women, anytime I do talk to them I think "am I feeling attraction or no?". The answer is always no but because I have been told I am bisexual or a lesbian I am now walking around confused and keep thinking well if I am why am i not feeling attraction. I've been told to experiment, but I have no desire to. I am also paranoid that if I ever do get with a guy and can't orgasm then it will mean I am bi/lesbian because I did orgasm to lesbian thoughts.
I think my issue has been exaggerated by the lack of coherent information online of what someone base's their sexual orientation on because in one sentence I am reading articles by sex therapist saying its how you feel around actual people that matters when understanding your sexual orientation and in the other internet forum users say that my fantasies is my sexual orientation but then can you see how this is very confusing for anyone like me who has such a clear seperation between how they feel around actual people and fantasy to understand because they are both in conflict. In the same way that my long term non sexual fantasies of being an actress is not reflective of my real world desires and I do not therefore call myself an actress, I am not sure if what lgbt and straight forum users have told me is factually correct, atleast for me but the problem here is my mind is unstable so where a reasonable mind would deduce and come to their own conclusion my mind is just fuzzy from all the feedback. If I base my sexual orientation ony my fantasies then I am bisexual. If I base my sexual orientation on how I feel around actual people then I am asexual hetromantic.
So anyway I have reasoned that 2 years later from when I started analyzing my sexual orientation, I have not got any better. Everyday a new path opens up for more analyzing of my sexual orientation. Everyday I think "ohh I didnt think of the time I got aroused by a picture of a naked woman but later on I looked at the same picture and was not aroused, is that attraction? That must also be analysed and added to any already exhausting mental list of other thiings I need to analyse". My brain is never satisfied with a "okay, you got, you can stop analyzing and move forward with your life now". Just when I think I have my final question and receive a final answer, it may be a couple days or a week but inevitable a new question forms in my head, a new memory of a time I got aroused or a time this or that happened, a new opportunity to fall back down into the darkness I have been in for so long.
Is this a mental health problem or normal questioning?
I dont know if this is a normal process of questioning one's sexuality, GAD, OCD or whatever else there is out there. Before this sexuality issue developed I have had numerous anxiety over various things (health, sleep, performance anxiety over bad acne). I have never seen a professional I have had a very cold reception from most who give the air of "I have patients with life threatening problems and you're here conjuring up an issue". Maybe its my energy but I seem to attract those types of professionals.
I do know this is not HOCD because my situation actually is more about analyzing my fantasy life and the feedback I have got from others and analyzing what to base my sexual orientation on (especially when a long history of fantasy does not crossover over to real desire and especially because of the confusing feedback I have got). Do I think if there was just ONE answer to this question made available online for free from sex experts that my issue would disappear? Maybe. I am not sure. Its hard to say. Most of my previous health worries has always been cleared up by running to the doctors office. There was no confusing feedback, there was just one answer.
Its rough but posting here is a sign that I am not giving up. I can't actually, its not in me to despair completely. I know I am the cause of my own suffering and that there must be a way out of this issue.
For anyone who may read this and decide to respond, thank you. I compltely get it if people don't respond though, even I am overwhelmed by what I have jsut wrote.