Originally Posted by
happyone
Honeybee,
I can relate so much to a lot of what you are saying. The book I spoke about, goes over a lot of these feelings.
I spent many a time worrying about my mum, in the way that she should have been worrying about me. the roles do get reversed.
Alcoholism is an illness and I don't hold a great deal of bitterness because of this and I think you have to get to a point where you let go (I'm only just getting there, slowly) You most certainly do not! That is where things become cloudy, because we love our parents and need them to love us, we feel guilt for having these negative emotions. It is hard to love someone and feel bitter towards them at the same time.
Many a time, I have wanted love or comfort from my mum but she has been unable to give it and often instead I have been given rejection, scorn and ridicule. Only for all this to be aploogised for in sobriety. It doesn't take way the hurt of the words though. It helps to know they still love you, but once words are said it is hard for them to be unsaid.
I realise I am not sounding overly coherent here. I am still putting together my disjointed thoughts. I just wanted to make the point, that it is not the shame of the children. It is not bad or wrong to say 'I am screwed up because of this' but to also make a path to move on.
You sound like you have accepted a lot of it. I think being able to admit that you are an adult child of an alcoholic parent, whether it was your past or present, is a step towards recovery.
Take care honeybee and I am always here if you need someone to sound off to.
Happyone
xx