I've always had health anxiety and have had different fears over the years which I've documented here, however, this latest episode has almost floored me to the point where I've felt almost suicidal at times. I've not posted in a while and wanted to come here to be amongst people who will understand my mind and hopefully help me to be logical whilst I am trying to tackle the devil that is anxiety because it's had me for months now and I'm desperate to get out of it's grip.
Going back to this time last year, I'd been off the citalopram I'd been on for 3 years for a few months and was doing pretty good. Shortly after, however, I got made redundant and then started a new job (corporate law). The job was awful. I don't want this post to be of noval proportions but, I belive that job was the trigger that unlocked the anxiety door again. Everything about it was awful. It made me dread going to work, I'd have panic attacks at my desk, I'd become snappy and lost my confidence. I wasn't quick enough to realise back then but I was being to suffer with stress and by 3 months in, the physical symptoms started to appear which was mostly a pain in the upper right quadrant of my stomach and back. It comes and goes but I feel it most days, even now. Sometimes it feels like it's in my ribs, sometimes, my chest, upper back or stomach. It stays to the right but sometimes moves around. I went to the Dr's and had lots of blood tests. All normal apart from my ESR which was raised. Dr sent me for additional tests for inflammatory diseases, all okay. Went for an abdominal ultrasound, all normal apart from a moderately distended bladder which dr thinks was because I'd downed a load of water before the scan. I also had a gastroscopy which was normal.
Tried to put it all behind me but the stress of the job was still there and getting worse. Shortly aftet those tests I developed a nasty episode of diarrhoea which lasted around 5 days. Dr said food poisoning or bug. Six weeks later I had a similar diarrhoea episode but this was awul. Non stop watery diarrhoea for 10 days which for the first few days also woke me in the night. I'd think I possibly had food poisoning from some undercooked monkfish but had stool cultures done that ruled out the usual bacterial infections but Dr said it won't rule our all food bourne illnesses. I also had a fecal calprotectin test done which came back very very high. Dr was worried it could be inflammatory bowel diseae but another stool test taken when my bowels settled came back within normal range so they didn't need to send me for a colonoscopy. They thought the inflammation in my bowel was due to the bad diarrhoea inflamming my colon. I also had the usual bloods which were normal apart from my ESR again which was raised but lower than the one I'd had done a couple of months prior.
Following all of this I managed to see two of the Drs who I really like and trust and know my anxiety well. I questioned the ESR test and they both said not to worry because the test isn't really all that useful and they never order them (another dr ordered this test along with others), especially for middle aged women (I'm 45) as they nearly always come back raised. They said mine wasn't anything to be concerned about and not to worry.
I've seen those two Dr's again a couple of times since about my concerns over my stomach. They have both said my anxiety needs addressing and so I was referred for therapy. I've now started CBT. One of the Dr's said they would order some more blood tests (usual FBC, liver function, etc.) and also cholesterol and diabetes as they wanted me off the pre diabetes scale and that if they came back all normal then I could wipe the slate clean and know I am healthy and can try and move forwards. Those blood tests came back normal (end of April this year) and I am no longer pre diabetic. I saw the Dr for the results but only a few had come in and some that had gone off to another part of the lab hasn't come back yet. I called for the results a few days later and the receptionist told me all normal. When I questioned if that included the delayed ones she repeated they were all normal but my anxious mind told me they hadn't come back or had been lost.
So, here I am a year later and my anxiety is the worse it's ever been. I can't get through the days for fear or the stomach pains I get. Every twinge or cramp sends me into a panic. I fear getting the diarrhoea again after that nasty episode I had. I've worried about every cancer possible and have so far diagnosed myself via Google with pancreatic, colon, kidney and bladder cancer. Today for example I am on my period and when I've gone to the toilet there's been blood in my urine. I try to tell myself it's my period but I'm worried it's actually due to a urinary problem. I'm struggling to leave the house and can't have days out with my children. I just wanted to explain everything here to help me get it down on paper and to summarise my situation to see if anyone can offer and reason or logic because I desperately just want one day where I'm just living in the moment instead of my anxious mind conniving me I'm dying. The things that keep me in a spiral are:
Could the raisd ESR test mean something is going on or can I trust my doctors?
What caused the bad diarrhoeal illness, is it something underlying and will it happen again? Were the tests I had done enough? I've read scary things about diarrhoea that wakes you from sleep.
What if there's something wrong with my bladder if it was swollen on the scan but nothing further done? Dr was happy with the report. Could it really have been just water in my bladder?
Why are the pains I've had for months continuing, there must be a problem that's been missed?
Could my blood test results have not come back or gone missing and no one at the Dr's surgery has realised?
These aren't questions for anyone to answer, they just keep me in my anxious spiral.
My dr has said they will refer me for a CT scan as a last ditch attempt to try and ease my concerns. My CBT therapist asked me if I though this was a good idea as it will perpetuate my anxiety and keep feeding the beast essentially. I've found the CBT quite triggering lately as it's forcing me to confront my fears which brings back memories I'd been trying to forget.
It's worth noting that I have since moved jobs so have eliminated the work stress but the stress and anxiety got so bad that it's left me in an awul place mentally. Although I now enjoy my job, the work I do is in clinical negligence for a law firm and I've seen all sorts which obviously does my health anxiety no favours. I'm also thick into the perimenopause which is another problem altogether and doesn't help as it makes me feel like I don't know who I am anymore.
Thanks so much to those who have read all of this, it helps to get it off my chest. Any reason or logic or coping mechanisms that could help would be incredibly welcome.
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