Been 3 weeks since I had to come off the Mirtazapine-spent about the best part of that trying (unsuccessfully) to find another med to aid me. Am now on 7.5mg Mirt at night which replaces the anxiety in the morning with a grogginess/slight lethargy which is to my mind preferable.
The days after the withdrawal from the Mirtazapine were every bit as hellish as I'd been led to expect, won't go into them again but really felt as anxious/depressed as I had at the onset of this latest episode in about October last year.
Nevertheless somehow I have managed to keep myself in at work, and see my kids at (almost) the normal times recently. It has been bloody hard, and I am not saying there are still not moments of EXTREME doubt and anxiety, but there must be some inner strength in there which has kept me going. If I WAS going to implode I feel it would have happened by now.
But as with all of us there is a natural caution to my feelings of optimism-only those who have been through the nightmare that is depression/anxiety knows the true fear of it returning with a vengeance-I feel stronger however than I did and more "ready" for what the depression will try to do to me, almost a kind of "Bring it on, I know you, and I will meet you head on" mentality.
I never seriously contemplated doing anything to myself, but it is a fact that at it's height I really did wonder if it was worth going on, and that only the thought of what it would do to my kids stopped me from giving up the fight.
I am not kidding myself that life is perfect or that I don't have bad moments-I do-and that old cliche "one day at a time" has never been so true than it is for the depressed and anxious amongst us. It may be 5 months away but if I can keep myself in the workplace, seeing my kids regularly, and most importantly come through the dark days of winter relatively unscathed and into 2011 in better shape than a year before then I might truly believe I have turned the "metaphorical corner". Until then the doubts will always be there.
But at 45 I am finally I think beginning to accept myself with all my faults but also my good points, learning that it isn't a crime to give yourself praise on occasion, and if not letting the past go exactly then accepting it and realising that sadness is a part of life too and that one SHOULD embrace it and not avoid it if progress is to be made. To quote a James song that I like I think I finally might "know what I'm here for" and be able to live in the present at long last.
I know this is a rant but I offer it as hope and comfort to others on this forum who are suffering from this dread illness that there is light at the end of the tunnel-I felt as low as is possible without paying the ultimate price back at end of last year beginning of this one-I now look forward cautiously to a future with my kids and friends which will be better than before because of the lessons my depression has taught me. I am not there yet-may never be fully-it is a continuing journey but it IS worth the effort.
I love music and have many favourite songs but the words of one (again) by James come to mind (and I don't have the lyrics in front of me so apologies if I misquote)
Those who feel the breath of sadness sit down next to me,
Those who feel they're touched by madness sit down next to me,
Those who find themselves ridiculous sit down next to me,
In love, in pain, in fear and hate, in love, in pain in fear and hate...
It isn't my favourite of theirs but right now the lyrics seem to say it all for me.
To those who feel the same way I say keep fighting-you can find your path out of this.
I will keep posting 1/ because I am still enough of a pessimist to know I might go back the way and 2/ because this is a great site with so many good people on it all seeking the answers as I am.
Good luck to everybody and if I have cured anybody's insomnia with this lengthy diatribe then I have served a purpose. Humour too is so important my friends....
Gordon