suicidal thoughts?

[A Nervous Nigel]

So I've been having suicidal thoughts a lot this past week..

I've been back on pregabalin 150mgx2 daily for about a month. For the first 3 weeks it greatly reduced how often this thought would come in to my head and the severity of the affect it would have on my mood. Then last week when I went to get a new prescription off the doctor I started crying in front of the receptionist.. Was rather embarrassing.. And the thoughts have came back.

Thing is, when I read about suicidal thoughts online , people seem to describe them differently.. I think mine are anxiety related, say I'm walking down the street feeling anxious, I will just have the thought "just kill yourself" and sometimes I say it under my breath or out loud.. Sometimes I say it or think it over and over and over like "just kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself" and I will go all tense. I don't want to kill myself and I don't think I will act on it. I don't even think about how I would do it, well rarely and if I do think about planning it or how I would go about it I don't go in to much detail in my head..

I get these thoughts if I think I've said something silly in a social situation, or if I think about money and how I will manage, or about how I'm doing terrible in my studies.. This has been going on for months and I think I just got used to it. But this week I've been fairly emotional!

I just want to know if anyone experiences something similar? I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow, so hopefully they can help me.. Life eh? Thing is, I know I'm going to get offered antidepressants and they have done naff all in the past.. I will say no to any SSRI or SNRI but may consider mirtazapine as heard its a bit different.. Hope 2015 is better than 2014 cos I've achieved nothing and felt like crap for the most of it.. Lost Two jobs, barely attended uni, and have zero self esteem now.. Anyways getting a little off topic, so has anyone had similar anxiety related suicidal repetitive thoughts?

A Nervous Nigel.

[debs71]

Hi,

At my darkest time in 2003, when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I too had these kind of repetitive thoughts in my head about death and killing myself, but more driven by the fact that I felt horrendous and the anxiety in particular was scaring me senseless. It is like your brain's way of screaming to you 'I am REALLY not liking the way I am feeling right now', so these words pop into your head regularly. The most important thing though, is that you say you would not act on them, and please see that that is the positive in this situation. The thoughts are scary. The words are scary. But that is all they are...thoughts and feelings that are driven by anxiety and or depression.

Negativity and negative words, thoughts, low self-image and self-esteem...things like 'I'm worthless' are rife with dep/anxiety. Everything has a black cloud on it. Once this blackness lifts, so should those dark thoughts, but that does take treatment and therapy.

I am glad that you are seeking help, and wish you well.

[SarahH]

Hi Nervous Nigel,
I am sorry you are going through a bad time at the moment and glad you are seeing a psych tomorrow, I see you are quite news to NMP. We try not to use the "S" word on the forum as it can trigger some unhappy thoughts for many people. How tomorrow is helpful for you.

Sarah

[wabbit1]

Hi Nervous Nigel,
I am sorry you are going through a bad time at the moment and glad you are seeing a psych tomorrow, I see you are quite news to NMP. We try not to use the "S" word on the forum as it can trigger some unhappy thoughts for many people. How tomorrow is helpful for you.

Sarah

Personally I think that we should be able to use the word suicide as it is an issue. There is a massive difference between mentioning it and talking about how you would do it.

I can relate to your problems. I am going through a rough time at the moment including having to spend last night in A&E due to thoughts like that and taking more risks.

I feel I'm failing at everything, I just don't feel worth it but I gotta believe things will get better if I am going to keep on going.

I hope your appointment with a psychiatrist is usefu.

[Theuns]

In my case I know I have mentioned it once and strangely I feel sometimes it actually helps me to go through difficult times. If you are in a position like I am these days a lot, you cant sleep, only thing you see is debt, a unhappy wife, disappointed parents and the list goes on that is one thing that actually helps me to think about.

I know it sounds very strange but if I wake up at 3 and everything that makes me depressed is all around me, if I think about it and can say to myself, see....just try one more day, see what will happen and you can always if you fail change your mind. "see", I will say to myself "no one can take that away from you and the solution, however bad, will always be there". I don't think I will ever go that far but just to know... there is a way out should you need it makes it easier to continue. I think I would have totally lost my mind a long time ago if in some strange way, I did not have the final option in my own hands.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I think you have spotted the difference between depression triggered and anxiety triggered and this is a thread for the OCD board. This comes under intrusive thoughts, which we all get, but these types are common to Pure O sufferers or those with various forms of OCD.

You notice the difference because its not an overwhelming emotional or symptom based state that is driving you to thinking it would all just end. With intrusive thoughts, they just pop in and then you react to them which causes the spiral. The trick is not to react and over time they become less frequent and intense but this can be very hard at first.

I had them. I would feel the urge to jump off a bridge on my walking routes, walk in front of traffic, etc. Now I am no longer affected by them because I have managed to stop my reaction. Sometimes I even laugh at them and they just float straight through. If I experience these thoughts now, they come from the depression side where I am cognitively thinking them because I have had enough of everything and these do bother me a great deal. I know with mine I had GAD for 4-5 years before my OCD started and thats when all this started.

Something to also remember is that there have been studies to show all people have intrusive thoughts, but they don't realise they do because they pass though in the blink of an eye without reaction. In the studies, they were advised how to spot them to prove this. They also don't experience them as frequent as anxiety disorder sufferers.

Another consideration with OCD is other underlying anxiety disorders. In my case, my GAD has always been underlying in a more severe way which just keeps the OCD running so by resolving elements of the GAD, I notice the OCD declines naturally and I can work on it with less blocking factors.

[A Nervous Nigel]

Thanks for all the replies!

I had my initial assessment yesterday, it was with a occupational therapist, had a good two hours talking to her, first time I've had the chance to talk about everythingggg! Felt good , she and her team are going to evaluate me over the Xmas period and get back to me.

I ended up going to my gp after, to sort my meds out for the Xmas, but wish I hadn't! I got the same gp that told me two years ago, when I was really depressed, that I wasn't depressed enough! She was like "I don't understand why you are on pregabalin , I've never met anybody who takes its for anxiety, its not prescribed for that ect." And when I mentioned that last week the other gp told me to research mirtazapine because it was something we could look to add she told me "no it would be instead , you wouldn't combine these, I've never met anybody who has" .. It was just her attitude , put me right back in to a bad uptight mood! Eventually I got her looking in that bnf book and she let me increase my pregabalin.. I will not be seeing her again tho lol.

Anyways the past couple of days the suicidal thoughts have reduced, I'm going to try really hard , so that when I have the thought pop in to my head, I immediately try think of something funny or happy, in the hope this might reduce the frequency of them occurring.. Its hard though!

Thanks again for your replies , they have helped! As I was having a really rough day! Sometimes feels good just to write out how you feel!

And wabbit , hope your OK! Feels awful doesn't it when you feel like your failing at life, but there is always next year for us to try change things round! And thoughts like these don't exactly help us to change our situation.. My mood seems to go all over the place making it hard to do or achieve anything! Stay safe, A Nervous Nigel

[MyNameIsTerry]

Just another idiotic GP. Pregabalin is clearly documented in NICE guidelines for anxiety when SSRI's do not work for people, I've read it! Combining SSRI's is also a known treatment as whilst they are in the same class of medication, they don't all work quite the same. I'm not sure on combination of Pregabalin though, I would have to check that but its clear your GP is not up to date with NICE guidelines published some years ago! Definately go back to the other one.

Use this place, write it down, have a rant, do whatever is needed to get through this difficult process...we've all been there and understand how bad it can feel. You just can't now how it feels without going through it with this stuff.

Mood swings do that to me. I find that sometime just getting on with things, often very very hard at the worst stages, can help it subside as you get on with some mundane tasks or routines that take your focus away from thinking about things.

Exercise can help too, especially being outside whilst doing it, even if its walking. Walk somewhere with some nature around you, like a park, it can help.

[wabbit1]

Hi, Nigel.

I've just read your latest comment. Sounds like you are taking some positive steps so well done.

Sounds like that GP is a bit useless.

Unfortunately 2 days after I replied to your comment I took a very significant overdose and ended up in hospital for 2 days :(. I've seen the effect that had on friends and family so I hope that will stop me doing it again.

[A Nervous Nigel]

Wabbit I'm sorry to hear that! I hope things can start to turn around for you soon!
Could I ask you what happened after you done that? Did you get to see a psychiatrist or crisis team?

I'm nervous about my psychiatrist assessment I had a week or two ago.. She said her team evaluate whether or not my case is serve enough for them to work with me, if not I will get passed on to counselling or something.. I so badly want to see a psychiatrist! My meds aren't working well and my doctor is running out of ideas! I'm at my lowest.. During my Christmas dinner all I could think about was death and suicide.. I'm becoming increasingly more bothered and tired of these thoughts! I'm not sure when suicidal thoughts become something you wish to act on.. But I feel I'm heading that way.. Strange.. I just don't enjoy anything.. I want to start reading more but I can't get in to any books or concentrate on them.. I hope I hear back soon. Something needs to change!

Terry, your right about exercise being important but I just don't seem to have any get up and go about me. Maybe I'm just lazy but its strange cos I want to do more! Luckily my housemate is changing gym in January to the one around the corner, he says if I join with him he will keep me motivated and make me go haha!

Although I don't drink to often, maybe ones per week, I'm going to try completely quit after I go to a new years eve party that I've been invited to! Hoping this might help as well, trying to make small changes , slowly , so I don't get overwhelmed with change!