View Full Version : Binge eating
Sorry to be posting in somewhat of a state again. I was going to say crisis, but I'm trying hard not to let myself get dragged down to that stage.
There are various things going on at the moment that are combining to make this a difficult weekend, after what has been a difficult week. It doesn't help that tomorrow is Mother's Day and I feel upset yet again that my mum doesn't want to know me. What is so irrational is that I don't even want her attention anymore particularly, because I've been hurt so many times in the past with the repeated rejections. However, I still have a void inside and miss not ever having received love from a mum.
Years of various emotional attachments were my way of trying to cope with this but recently I have been making huge attempts to stop the obsessing and to let go of wanting K to be my mum. I accept that she is not my mum and never will be. I now just want a normal friendship with her.
However, I feel this aching and emptiness inside and now I am not clinging to K or expecting her to make things alright for me, I don't know how to handle it. Now I am scared because I have such a strong urge to binge, I suppose to try to fill this emptiness with something... anything. I know food won't do it and I know I'll hate myself and want to punish myself if I give in, but I am frightened that I am not strong enough to resist. I've been fighting the feelings all afternoon, but they are getting stronger. The temptation is getting stronger and I feel such a failure for not being able to control it.
Bingeing is causing me to gain so much weight, which just further damages my already nonexistent self-esteem.
I don't know what to do to cope. I've been distracting myself. I've been out for a walk (without taking money so I couldn't buy anything). I've tried writing down how I am feeling. I've cleaned the flat and been looking at my inspiration book. Nothing is working.
I guess I need some help but I don't know what anyone can do. Just so scared I am about to cave in.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
HI Karen
It is so hard isnt it, I know how you feel am having the worse ever day too. Cant really give too much advice but am ok at listening, will be online for a while so if you fancy a chat please feel free to send me a pm
Wendy xx
Hi Karen,
Don't be sorry for posting and well done for recognising that struggling doesn't mean a crisis.
You really are doing so well, especially with the attachment and your attitude to K now.
Mothers day is hard, I do understand that, it must make you think about things. I know what you mean about a void too, I know my mum loved me but she died when I was 8 and I've always felt a void since then. I'd love to know what it would be like to have a close relationship with her and have known her better. My step mum is great but it will never be the same.
I don't know what to suggest about the cravings you're having, you seem to have tried all the things I would have suggested. Have you been eating ok since having the migraine?, I know migraines make many feel to ill to eat. If that's the case your body may just need food.
I expect you know alot about binge eating, but when I was in the health food shop I was looking for a book on PCOS (they didn't have one), but I did find one on binge eating. Just looked it up on amazon and this is the link if you're interested:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0898621798/qid=1143304248/sr=8-2/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i2_xgl/026-6099103-7246811
You have probably read stuff like it maybe, but if not it may help to understand it better. Just an idea anyway.
Hang in there, you are strong and can beat this and the cravings, it will only make you feel worse if you give in. You can resist and even if you can't always resist you are not a failure in any way, quite the opposite I'd say.
I know weekends are hard and tomorrow being mothers day, are you still going to talk to Becky tomorrow? I hope so as that may help you.
Bug hug, thinking of you.
Lisa x
Thank you Wendy and Lisa for replying.
I'm so disgusted with myself each time I feel like this that I don't even know what to say really. Just want to not be me and not be like this anymore. I feel much greater distress than I ever did when I wasn't eating at all.
Lisa: I hope I haven't stirred up memories for you too. I thought I was coping better than this but the rejection still hurts. I don't even want to see my mum because I know she doesn't care, but that just leaves a feeling of 'nothingness' that I don't know how to deal with. I was trying to fill that void with my fantasies about K but I'm no longer doing that and know it wasn't the answer. The trouble is that I don't know what is.
I just don't want to feel anything - emotionally anyway. If I binge I think feel justified in punishing myself and can transfer the emotional pain into feeling physically ill.
Just want it all to stop. I don't want to feel anything. K tells me that numbing my emotions is what led me here in the first place, but anything is better than feeling this way.
Thanks for the link to the book Lisa. I'll have a look but there comes a time when reading about what to do is no longer enough and I need to actually DO something.
I think I am still seeing Becky tomorrow but I have such terrible thoughts in my head at the moment that I'm not sure I can share these with anyone.
Karen xx
Hi karen sweetie
((((((HUGS))))))
You are doing so well, this is a very difficult time for you and it is not surprising the urge has come up so strongly.... I can't think of anything to suggest - I wish you were nearer I would come over and drag you out for a while lol! I know you know all the things that I could suggest, all I can say is don't beat yourself up if you can possibly help it.
It will take a long time for the urge to binge/purge to go away, it will just get less and less strong and you will resist it more and more the further along you get - don't expect yourself just not to want to do it... especially at times of particular stress... You have been using these sorts of behaviours for a long time and it will take a while for you to get all the things in place to change your life enough to make it easy but you WILL do it.
Now when are you coming to Brighton hun?
Loads and loads of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
What Fee says makes sense there, but then she understands this a bit better than I do - clever Aunty Fee!
I know books don't always help, I just thought it may explain ways to help cope and control the cravings. I do understand that alot of things have emotional causes though and that's what needs addressing probably.
I'm sorry I have nothing to suggest really either, I wish I could help more.
It's ok Karen, you haven't stirred up painful memories for me, no problem honest.
Thinking of you, hugs,
Lisa x
Hannahlou84
25-03-06, 18:00
Hi Karen,
You have kind of responded to yourself there in your first post- it might be worth having a reread.
This weekend was never going to be easy for you, was it? Is there anyway you can get involved with doing something for Jac from her little girl? or for Jac's mum as she's undoubtedly findings this weekend difficult too.
Your right, food doesn't fill the void- but nothing other than replacing that love from within yourself is going to do that, and never truly will- feelings associated with your mother are natural, it's something that is inbuilt- and you're right also that you are doing the best thing for you by not trying again this year.. I'm still at the "I'll keep trying and maybe she will change her mind stage".
Did you want people to offer advice on the binge eating, or would it be good for you to talk about your mum and the rest of your family here, and give you a bit of a release?
When I really want to binge and I am able to think through it first, I always go for something that takes a while to make, don't make much of it, and therefore don't go back to it. (Jacket potato is what I mean by ages!!) Or do you like cereal? Or something like ready brek? A little bit of that will make you feel full so you don't want to binge so much.
Sorry, I don't help much!
Han x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Thank you all again.
Fee: I wish you were a bit nearer too because we could help each other. Being alone is my mine problem when I get these binge urges because I wouldn't do it if someone was here. I feel so ashamed and it is something I do in secret - although I've just told everyone here my guilty secret [Duh!].
I suppose I feel worse about the bingeing because for so long my way of coping was not to eat and I would much rather be using that coping technique again now. I didn't feel ashamed when I didn't eat; in fact it felt good and helped me feel better.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Now when are you coming to Brighton hun?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hmm soon I hope. This next week is difficult because of various appointments, but I'm free I think on the Wednesday and Friday the following week. What days are best for you?
Lisa: I do appreciate the book suggestion and sometimes these things can help but it is just I feel I know what I should be doing but am having trouble putting it into practice.
The other main problem is that I am still too dependent on using this eating disorder to block out other painful emotions. I am desperate to stop bingeing, but healthy eating is not something I seem able to stick to either. I actually still want to lose weight and wish I could restrict food like I was last summer. Knowing how far I've let myself go since then just increases my feelings of despair. I don't want to be this weight.
Hannah: I don't know what I want to talk about really. I don't really want to talk about mum because there really is no point. I have accepted that she never will be a part of my life but what I haven't worked out is how to deal with the void that not having her love has left inside me. Using food is definitely not something I want to do.
Unfortunately once I start bingeing I get so out of control that I can't stop and I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself for doing that and embarrassed to admit it. I'll eat anything I can get my hands on and then want to purge to get rid of it. I have tried so hard to get off the laxatives and been doing well but now I am tempted again. I also wish I could make myself vomit to get rid of the food I've binged on.
I am not even hungry and don't even want the food so can't really understand why I do it unless it's another form of self-punishment because I know how bad I will feel afterwards.
I don't want to live my life this way but don't know how to stop. Sometimes I get so distressed that I scare myself with what I might do. But hurting myself is all I am trying to achieve here and wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone else.
Feel a complete failure now.
Karen xx
Hannah had a good idea there of eating something first like ready brek - maybe if you did this you would feel a bit too full to completely go bingematic!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((K)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
That is a big fling you round the globe hug which may make you too nauseous to eat !!!
Love Piglet xx
Thanks Piglet.
Unfortunately it's nothing to do with physical hunger. It's hard to explain. It is like a compulsion that I should be able to control but can't and the I hate myself and feel so repulsed by my actions. I actually have thoughts about rather dying than continue like this. Want to go to sleep and not wake up because that's how much I hate myself.
I won't do it because I don't want to hurt anyone but it's how I feel :(.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
25-03-06, 20:54
Heya,
I know what you are saying when you are saying it isn't a physical hunger, but I tend to find if I am full or feel full the need to binge to feel better lessens. Might be worth finding something that works for you there, as it's take me ages to settle on Porridge type products (and it doesn't always work), but having done the binge thing for years I would keep finding ways around it.
Keep busy this evening albeit by posting on here, and hopefully the urge will subside some.
I know it's hard, just don't let yourself do it- especially if you think it may be a punishment technique.
Han x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
This is how you feel today but not necessarily how you will feel tomorrow!!
Keep going mate - accept today for what it is.
Positive vibes coming your way ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're having a bad time today, wish I could help in some way but I don't really know what to suggest, other than hang in there and it will get better again.
You are NOT a failure in any way and there is no need to hate yourself. You're a good person and you've come a long way. It's not always going to be easy to beat this but I do believe if anyone can it is you, I really do. The road ahead will get smoother and less bumpy.
Please try and talk to Becky about how you really feel if you can tomorrow, it may help.
Thinking of you, big (((hug))) and some more positive vibes.
Love Lisa x
Thank you Hannah, Piglet and Lisa.
I do want to discuss this with Becky because I know I do need some help with how to deal with it. I am just scared to admit to some of the thoughts I have when I get into this kind of state. But then they can't help if I don't say what is going on.
I have been trying to put something down in writing but this migraine is making it even more difficult to think properly or to concentrate on typing anything. All I want to do is sleep really.
I need to be brave and confide in her. Just worried about how much gets filtered back to Annie.
Thanks for all the positive vibes and encouragement.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
You are right she can only help you if she knows everything, so let her help you and tell her as much as you can. It doesn't matter what thoughts you are having, she is there to help and has probably heard similar things before.
If you really don't want certain things filtered back to Annie, ask if you can speak to her in confidence, you have a right to have your privacy respected, she will understand.
I hope you get some sleep tonight and that the migraine goes soon.
Night night,
Lisa x
Thanks sis.
I will try to tell her as much as I can and she already knows I am scared of Annie!
Just have to firstly get past the telephone anxiety of ringing to speak to her tomorrow and then actually going in and admitting all this stuff. It's going to be a challenging day I think.
Need some sleep really but not much chance without sleeping pills.
Karen xx
Hi Karen
WELL DONE - for being so honest - I know how hard that must be - but it is the way forward for you... I am so glad you will get to talk to Becky tomorrow.
This is a pants-poo day with no sleepers to look forward to tonight, it must be really hard but you know what? So what you have a bad day, it can't undo all the hard work you have done and you are learning new things and skills and achieving stuff every single day... I hope you aren't having too awful a time tonight but you will get through it and make more progress over the next week....
You are doing absolutely fantastically well[8D][8D][8D][8D]
Next week is quite busy for me too with appts and stuff but there is some time in every day at the moment and Thursdays and Fridays are fine. We can have tea in serenity and I can have a GF cake [:I](did I just mention cake on your thread[:O] lol - I must believe you're getting better!!!) and you can watch lol!!!! they do lovely healthy things too if you are up to anything at all but the tea is the best bit in china cups, loose tea with lovely pots and flowery everything!!!! (but in a modern kind of way lol).
lol piglet i lurve your positive vibes you arty farty clever clogs!!!
have a hug from me for tonight (((HUG)))
I'm off to bed soon hun, nite nite.
Tons of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Just saying a final night night, hope you do sleep at least a bit. love, hugs and positive vibes.
Lisa x
Hi Fee
Well, I am trying to be honest about my thoughts but I am not at the clinic yet and have yet to hand the note to Becky. I know she needs to know what's going on in my head though if I am to get any help. I just don't want to be dragged in there as an inpatient because they think I'm not coping at home [:O].
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Next week is quite busy for me too with appts and stuff but there is some time in every day at the moment and Thursdays and Fridays are fine.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't think I can make it this week. Thursdays are no good as I'm at that clinic and Friday I have an appointment with the dietician. Maybe Friday week if you are free?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">We can have tea in serenity and I can have a GF cake [:I](did I just mention cake on your thread[:O] lol - I must believe you're getting better!!!) and you can watch lol!!!!<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 25 March 2006 : 23:33:21</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Cake [:O][:O][:O]. You can't mention things like that on my thread!! I'll just have the tea and watch you eat the cake lol! You'll have to let me know where this place is as I've no idea but we can sort that nearer the time!
Thanks for the hugs and the encouragement. I hope next week will be better.
Lisa: Night sis and thanks for your support too.
Karen xx
Morning Karen
I'm hoping you're fast asleep - hey, at least it was an hour shorter than normal!!!
Good luck for today, I won't be around much as I'm taking mum out for lunch - I hope it goes well.
Love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
Hope you feel better today, and that you got some sleep.
I hope all goes well with Becky, thinking of you.
Lisa x
Wishing you a good day to day matey.
Love Piglet xxx
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lots of good vibes for everyone today (do you like those Fee):D
I can do those too, not that I'm trying to show off or anything! [:P]
x*** X*~< :D X :D >~*X***x
Hi Lisa, Piglet and Fee
Thanks for your messsages. I am getting very scared now because I need to ring the clinic soon and find out what time Becky wants me to go over.
I've written a note (quite a long note) explaining all the thoughts and feelings I've been having about my weight and what's happening with the bingeing. But now I am petrified because some of these thoughts probably make me sound so crazy and my biggest fear is they will think I am so ill they will want me to stay in there, or even worse to section me.
Maybe I shouldn't show her the note after all. I am really scared. Just want to go back to bed really as I am so tired.
Going there today is not a good idea now.
Karen xx
PS What's happening with the time on here? Have we skipped 2 hours or is it me??? I'm sure I changed the time of my clocks last night [:O]
Hi Karen,
Good luck with making the phone call, you can do it. I hope the chat with Becky goes well later.
It's only you interpreting the thoughts as crazy, we all have these weird thought that we think are unique to us, but she will have heard similar before and not think you're crazy. You are attending this clinic on a voluntary basis, they do not have the power to keep you there or section you and why would they, there is no need. You are not seriously underweight and you are not a danger to yourself or anyone else.
There is no harm in showing Becky the note, or talking it through with her, they can't help you properly unless they know the real problem and what you're really thinking. I bet she'll be so understanding and it will all go fine. Going there today is a good idea, in fact it could be just what you need, I think you need to discuss it with someone that can help.
You can do this today.
This forum does seem to be running an hour fast for some reason.
Thinking of you Karen, love and big hugs,
Lisa x x
Hannahlou84
26-03-06, 14:06
Karen- they won't think you're crazy. El keeps telling me, you aren't crazy for having thoughts about anything (and she knows all the recent stuff, and probably more about my plans for when I went home before than what I told you). 'Crazy' only comes into it when you are unable to see thoughts and feelings for just that. Will be worth remembering that.
I think being honest with her, even if you find it a little uncomfortable is certainly the best way to go.
Good luck.
-not sure about the time, it's right for me... H x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hannahlou84
26-03-06, 14:10
Just remembered why the time is OK on mine- I made it minus one hour GMT in my profile first thing as that's what we are to do on another forum, so if it's really confusing anyone.....
:D
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Just checked the time in my profile and it was correct, but since checking it is now the correct time again for me!
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa and Hannah.
Just made the phone call and am seeing Becky at 3.30, so not too much time to panic about it I guessl. It takes at least 30 minutes to get there and so will have to get ready soon.
I did get a bit carried away with my note and it is rather long but I don't have time to alter it and I've basically said everything that I've not been able to admit to anyone since I started there. I know my thoughts are irrational and don't have intentions of acting on them - well maybe apart from the one to lose weight [Oops!]. But it is a big thing to admit stuff like this.
I've also included stuff in there about what happened on that other site with people saying I was staking K because that's what started my downward turn just over a week ago.
I need to be brave and let her read this note so wish me luck. I do want to move forward and get help and I know they can't help if they don't know what I am finding difficult.
I guess making the phone call was the first success of today!
Wish me luck!
Karen xx
PS I'll try altering the time on my profile and see if it makes any difference. Very strange.
Hannahlou84
26-03-06, 14:25
Good luck, Karen!!
xxxx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Good Luck sis, you can do it.
You have done the first step and made the phone call.
It's good you have included everything in the note, it really is the best way for her to be able to help.
I am proud of you, go and be strong, you can do this!
I'll be thinking of you and look forward to hearing about how you got on later.
Love and a big (((hug)))
Lisa x
Thank you so much Hannah, Lisa and Nigel.
Just got dressed and am about to leave. My stomach has decided to play up now though and so now I'm worrying about making it over there without having to stop to use the loo somewhere (sorry too much info!) [xx(].
Send out a search party if I am not back this evening - I might need rescuing!!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Perhaps the forum cannot get it’s head around the concept of British Summer Time . I’ve copied Hannah and made mine GMT-1 hour too.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I've done the same now too!
Thanks all for your support.
Karen xx
Will hopefully get back on later to find out how you got on today.
Big hugs.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
I've missed you I think.
But.... thinking of you hun - good luck, hope it goes well...
loads of love n hugs
WELL DONE:D:D:D:D:D:D
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen
Been thinking about you. How did it go hun?
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Thank you all for the messages of support. I am not sure how it went really because she wouldn't read my note, at least not during the time I was seeing her.
Instead we talked more about my childhood and relationships with mum and dad. It was all very painful and difficult to talk about. I know I need to deal with this stuff but it wasn't really what I needed after the week I've had. I just felt more upset and despair really that I didn't have much of a chance to ask for help with the bingeing, which is what I think is holding me back at present.
I did manage to say that this is the most distressing problem for me at present but she just asked me what would help. I wish I knew and if I did I wouldn't be asking for help. I know I need to work through these things myself but I am at a loss to know how to deal with this anymore. I've lost the balance with my eating and need to stop swinging between bingeing and restricting but that won't happen until I can control the binges.
Then she asked if I'd been weighed recently (which I haven't for 2 weeks) because she said it looked like I have lost some weight - I wish. So she took me to be weighed and I have gained. It gives BMI measurement so I'm not sure how much weight that equates to but I've gone up one point. I knew I'd gained and now I feel even more distraugt tonight.
She did finally take my letter and said she will read it but now I am left panicking about the response.
I did speak to Anna for a while which helped but I don't want to be offloading my problems on her because it's not fair.
So I am so scared because I've said so much in that letter and now don't know what is going to happen. I asked for it to be kept confidential so no one else at the clinic would read it. I am particularly worried because Annie is on duty tomorrow.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
26-03-06, 20:25
Firstly well done for going and giving her the letter. That was a really big step. Did she say why she wouldn't read it?
Do you feel better now for having spoken about some of the issues that tbh were at the root of all this this week? When you seeing Becky again?
Try not to worry about the letter- I know that's easier said than done, but hopefully reading it on her own will give her more of a chance to consider it and hopefully time to consider a more structured way to help. Nothing bad can come from anyone at the hospital from having this information, can it? They are all there to help you get better, and that can't be done without them knowing the facts. It should all work out for the best in the end- perhaps try focusing on the potential positive outcomes- you'll feel less negative about everything when you get some sleep pattern back- which you should also be sorting tomorrow with the dr.
Hope you are feeling a bit better now that and the weekend are nearly over and done with!!
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Thanks Hannah. I must admit the meeting didn't get off to a good start when she didn't want to read what I'd written. I know I need to challenge my fear of speaking and I have been doing that but some things are just too hard to vocalise and I know I'd have come away not saying any of it.
She didn't say why she wouldn't read the letter but at the end said we'd managed to talk, even though I'd struggled. The problem is that we hadn't talked about the things I needed to talk about, which she'll no doubt realise when she reads the letter.
We didn't talk about the reasons why I've had a bad week because she is focusing on my childhood and relationships with my family. I know this is where a lot of my issues stem from but am not sure it helps to keep going over all these things time and time again.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Nothing bad can come from anyone at the hospital from having this information, can it?
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Umm don't know really. I didn't hold anything back and I am worried they might think I'll act on some of the thoughts I mentioned having.
I definitely need to see my doctor for the sleeping pills tomorrow.
My next one to one session with Becky is on Thursday and so I've got all week to worry about her reaction to what I wrote in the letter.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
26-03-06, 20:43
You tried though honey, and that's the important thing.
Rest assured if Becky has any concerns you will know about them before Thursday, so maybe once you have been at the clinic a while tomorrow you will be able to start to relax a little, eh?
I agree going over and over things won't help, but Becky needs some understanding so she knows what you're facing, so you'll have to ride the repetitive stuff out a little to begin with, and maybe she will be able to help in some way knowing the extent of other issues for you also.
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Karen,
Sorry the meeting didn't go quite as you had hoped. Well done for going and managing to talk about your childhood. I know that wasn't the main issue you wanted to discuss but you did well to open up enough to discuss it.
At least she has the note and will read it now, although I understand how horrible it must be having to wait until Thursday for her response.
Maybe she will come and find you tomorrow or Tuesday and say something about it. She will at least now understand how you feel after reading it and what you need help with. It's a shame she wouldn't read it while you were there, I expect she was just trying to get you to talk when she refused.
Nothing bad is going to happen after she reads the note, we all have thoughts that we think are crazy, it doesn't mean we are or that we will act on them. Feeling something or thinking something and doing it are different things.
Big hug for today. I hope you get some sleep tonight and that tomorrow goes well. I'll be thinking of you.
Night sis,
Love Lisa x
Hi Karen
Im sorry too to hear your meeting didint go well but as Lisa says at least you got there & got through it.
Thinking of you
(((HUGS)))
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Thanks again.
Hannah: I know I need to deal with this childhood stuff but we talked about it last time and right now I'm feeling bad because of the bingeing and what happened on another site. Those were the main things I needed to discuss.
I am not sure when she is on duty again. I doubt she will be there tomorrow as she's been on all weekend and Annie is on duty tomorrow. I probably will have to wait until Thursday for her reaction. I just hope she respects the fact I asked her not to divulge what I have written to anyone else.
Lisa: Yes, I know she was trying to get me to talk and I did talk but came away feeling bad because I hadn't received any help with the most immediate problems.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Nothing bad is going to happen after she reads the note, we all have thoughts that we think are crazy, it doesn't mean we are or that we will act on them. Feeling something or thinking something and doing it are different things.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hmm, I hope you are right. I admitted to wanting to do some things that they definitely would not approve of and I am not sure what would happen if they felt there is a chance I might actually stop thinking about these things and actually do them.
Alex: Thanks for your support.
Karen xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
Hmm, I hope you are right. I admitted to wanting to do some things that they definitely would not approve of and I am not sure what would happen if they felt there is a chance I might actually stop thinking about these things and actually do them.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 26 March 2006 : 23:11:10</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi Karen,
I don't think there is any chance that she will think you are about to do any of these things. It will help Becky understand how you feel, which will enable her to help you better, that's all. Alot of people have thoughts of doing things, doesn't mean they will. You probably wouldn't even be telling her if you were planning to do something and she will know that. I really think it will all work out ok.
I hope you get some rest and sleep, big hugs, thinking of you and have a good day tomorrow.
I'm off to bed now, got tired suddenly [|)].
Night,
Love Lisa x
I guess it would be pretty stupid to tell her something I actually had intentions of doing [Duh!].
I am constantly fighting the temptation though.
Must go to be now. Don't want to think about food any longer.
Night sis.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Not stupid, I was just trying to get you to look at it from her point of view and to realise that nothing bad will happen because of what you have admitted.
I know you must fight temptations but you do fight them and you are winning.
I must go to bed now too, if I don't spend any time in bed it will be me that is brought a kennel [:O].
Night sis,
Lisa x
Hi Karen
I haven't been able to catch up with all your posts today, have been feeling ill all afternoon and am up now with a terrible stomach. Just wanted to say hi and thinking of you - will catch up properly tomorrow I hope...
Hope you're sleeping hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks guys.
Lisa: I know you were just trying to reassure me.
Fee: Sorry you were ill. Hope you are feeling better today.
Sorry I haven't got time to post elsewhere.
Just worked out from my BMI yesterday how much weight I've gained. I don't know how, but I HAVE to STOP eating and now. Need to lost over 2st now :(:(:(.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope your migraine is better today and that you have had a good day at the clinic, thinking of you today.
You do not need to lose 2 stone at all, or even 2 pounds I shouldn't think. You can keep your weight at the lower end of normal for now I should think and maintain that, but there is no need to go back lower than that or to aim for being underweight again. I expect you are feeling this way due to getting back to a normal weight within in a relatively short period of time and without help on how to deal with it. I really hope that Becky reading your note gets you the help you need with this issue.
Big hugs,
Lisa x
Been thinking of you sis, hope today went well.
Lisa x x
Thank you Lisa.
I haven't had a good day to be honest. Nothing really happened at the clinic today and planned sessions are still not running as they should be.
Becky isn't back on duty until Thursday and so I will be worrying about my note until then.
I don't expect anyone to understand why I feel I need to lose so much weight, or even any weight at all, but to me this weight is far to big and I am scared of where I am heading. I need help to get the bingeing under control or I don't know where it will lead. I'll be so fat and overweight and even thinking about it makes me feel so distressed.
Each time I go to the clinic I am reminded of how good it felt when I was at my lowest weight and how awful I feel now. Compared to others on the EDU I am huge. I feel so out of control.
Even now I am fighting the binge urges and I hate being like this. I have continually asked for help but no one there is listening. I don't know what I have to do to get some help.
Karen xx
Ah Karen,
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment. You know it is a combination of things making you feel this way and hopefully as you work through them you will begin to feel better.
I hope you can manage ok until Thursday. Sending you a big hug.
Tammy x
Thank you Tammy.
Feel so digusted with myself for being like this. I had so much control last year and now I have ruined everything.
My life is a mess and I don't know what to do anymore. :(
Karen x
Having very extreme thoughts about how to stop this now. So distressed and disgusted with myself.
I feel very sick and it's my own fault [xx(]
Can't do this anymore.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
You CAN do it Karen. We are all behind you. You may be feeling like this now but just think how you have been feeling the past month. And how you may feel tomorrow.
You can get through this Karen. Please don't blame yourself for anything. Whatever you may have done try and put it behind you for now. If you're feeling ill could you maybe sleep? Or try something to take your mind off it?
Thinkin of you
Tammy x
Thank you Tammy. I'm feeling ill because I binged so it's my own fault. Just wish I could get rid of the food now.
I need to find a way to stop doing this because it is the only thing holding back my progress now but I'm receiving no help or support from the clinic.
Need to sleep but K might write tonight so am waiting to see whether I hear from her first because I won't have time to reply in the morning.
Karen x
Hi Karen,
Sorry the day at the clinic wasn't that helpful today. I do know you have asked for help, I just wish they could/would give it to you. I am really hoping that Becky will realise this after reading your note.
Your life is not a mess at all, look what you have achieved and how far you have come, look at that inspiration book and remind yourself how good you have felt. Remind yourself that you have progressed so far that you have even arranged to meet K! You are having a hard time but it's not all a mess.
You haven't ruined anything, really you haven't, you have improved everything recently and achieved so much. You think you had control last year but really it was the anorexia that had the control, recently you have had the control. You really can get through this, look how bad you felt before and you picked yourself up and made so much progress.
I understand your current distress and I so wish you could get some help with these feelings as that is the most important bit now, you need help with how to deal with these emotions. This is what I wish the clinic would address and soon. I wish I could help more but I am thinking of you.
Did you get your sleeping pills today?
Big hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
If Becky doesn't realise what distress I'm experiencing with this after reading my note then there is no hope of getting help from there. I have repeatedly asked for help to control the bingeing and feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.
I know ultimately I am the one who has to make the changes but I've tried everything I can think of and read as much as I can about this and I am still lost. I need help and am not getting any.
This is what is holding me back and you are right that I've been making progress in other areas. I just feel like this is really dragging me down and preventing me making further progress.
OK, so the anorexia wasn't perfect either but I am so much more distressed now. I can't even contemplate what will happen if I gain more weight. I am in such a state about this.
I appreciate your support Lisa and I know I need professional help with this but none appears to be forthcoming and I am desperately crying out for help.
Yes, I did get my sleeping pills so hopefully will get some sleep tonight - if I'm not too ill [Sigh...].
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I feel like phoning the clinic myself and demanding they help my sis more!
Seriously though I do hope Becky realises that you are distressed and need help after she reads your note, I find it unbelieveable if they can't help with this sort of thing, it must be a common problem that they have seen many times before. They are supposed to be the "experts" in these areas and the treatment is meant to be tailored to suit the individual.
I'm glad you got your sleeping pills, hopefully you will at least sleep tonight now.
In the absense of Piglet I'll give you a massive round Europe (((hug))) - thought round the globe may be a bit much right now!
Night sis,
Lisa x
Thanks sis!
I doubt my stomach could take a round the globe hug tonight :D.
The clinic is supposed to be the specialist centre for this area but it seems all attention is paid to those with serious anorexia. I do understand that they probably have more health issues and in the main I am happy to be left alone, but I'm just asking for some advice for how to tackle this. Instead they ask me what might help and I feel I've already tried all the self-help techniques I've researched myself. If I knew how to stop then I wouldn't be doing it. No one wants to feel this distressed and I'd have thought they would realise that.
It just seems that this particular problem is worse now than when I first started there. I have no option to wait until Thursday to speak to Becky but I really need help now.
They need to do some serious sorting out there I think because there are hardly any permanent staff at present and nearly all nursing staff are agency workers. This doesn't help anyone.
Thanks for the hug.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I agree with what you're saying there, I really do.
Night night, thinking of you.
I hope tomorrow is better for you and that the clinic is ok and that you have some useful sessions.
Lisa x
Oh Karen hun I'm so sorry you're not getting the help you deserve you are doing so well in so many ways... and sorry I am not able to keep up properly with all that is going on, I just feel so tired..
I do believe you are making more progress than you realise, and that in fact you are doing all the right things - you will get used to managing your eating better because you KNOW what you need to do... and you are doing it. And that is dealing with the issues that have caused you to develop these sorts of behaviours. But you should be getting shed-loads of support while you go through this and I really hope that Becky takes this on board.
It's going to take time for you to cut down on the bingeing and even longer to stop wanting to lose weight but you know that this is the only way forward - you cannot go backwards now because you are too aware.
I am here for you and text whenever you want - I am just finding reading loads exhausting for some reason.
:D:D:D:D:D well done for rationalising all this and writing and giving Becky the letter - that was huge!!!
I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight.
Loads and loads of love,
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Fee
No need to apologise at all. I know you are not feeling your best and have a lot going on at present. I really appreciate your support and thanks for replying to my texts today.
I guess I am feeling so bad because I am trying so hard to deal with the causes behind my eating problems but don't feel like I am receiving the support I need to deal with the immediate problems, ie bingeing.
I realise wanting to lose weight is still part of the anorexic thinking but the fear of weight gain is so huge at the moment because of the bingeing and the fact I have gained weight so quickly. Sometimes I feel like the only way to get someone at the clinic to take notice of this fact is to have a full scale breakdown in front of them. Even then I doubt anyone would take any notice.
I'd probably get someone taking an interest if I simply refused to eat while I'm there but I doubt cause a scene or draw attention to myself and I don't want to cause trouble. I'd just like some help.
Thanks so much again Aunty Fee and I hope you are feeling better tomorrow.
Karen xx
Ok today is a new day and I am going to try AGAIN to keep these binge urges under control. Still feel bad about last night though.
I just wish I could have this meeting with Becky today because I need help now. Looks like I am on my own as far as the clinic is concerned though.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hi Karen
Hang in there hun - you're coping really well and just forget about yesterday if you can.
(((((HUGS)))))
Hope you are ok today xxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
Well done for deciding that today is a new day, that's just the right attitude, last night doesn't matter now, it was a blip and is now in the past.
I hope you're feeling ok today and slept better with your pills.
I am thinking of you, I hope the clinic is going ok today.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Fancy a spin round the globe yet????
Love Piglet xx
Thank you guys.
I was originally trying to make this a positive post, or post on my other thread about positive bits of today, but right now I am struggling again and don't feel positive.
Most of today at the clinic was very stressed, with more bad atmospheres and a near walk out by certain people following more changes implemented by Annie. These don't directly affect me in so far as I am not classed as part of the EDU for day to day treament, even though I have eating disorder problems and am funded due to these problems.
This kind of thing does affect all of us though because it brings everyone down and the whole situation is unsettling.
The supposed programme of day clinic sessions is not happening and the whole thing is a mess.
Added to that I am now feeling very upset tonight and this blocks out any minute positives I had been trying to hold on to.
My head is so messed up that I don't know how to cope. I want to deal with the way I am feeling by starving myself and avoiding food, but the other part of me is experiencing binge thoughts and cravings, following which I know I'd punish myself for being so bad again.
I don't know what I am thinking and feel like I'm losing the plot somewhat here. Even when I go to the clinic determined to talk to someone and say I am struggling there is either no one around (apart from agency staff), or the regular staff are rushing around and don't have time for people like me, who are considered not in urgent need of help.
Just about had enough of it all tonight.
Karen xx
((((((KAREN))))))
So so sorry you are being let down by this clinic - it really sounds a bit of a shambles...
I think you are coping really really well and need to hold on to whatever positives there are - are you still getting the shiatsu?
The only way forward is to eat small amounts of sensible food and to teach them how to help you. The urge to starve/binge/purge will recede as you get better and the other things you are achieving will all help.
You still up for meeting for tea next week? I can do any day except Monday and would love to see you... then we can think about maybe going swimming and that will be fab!!!
Hope you are ok hun
Loads and loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks for your reply and support Fee.
Like everything else, I tend to blame myself that attending the clinic is not working out how I would have liked. Parts of it have been helpful and up until a couple of weeks ago that was enough for me to somehow cope with the difficult bits, like not receiving any help to curb the bingeing.
But now the problems that occurring there on a daily basis, the change of rules daily and everyone being on edge etc is all getting to me. This kind of tense atmosphere doesn't help anyone.
I am not one for pushing myself forward and asking for help and therefore get left and forgotten about I think. But a couple of times this week I have tried to approach Julia, who is the only staff member there at present I feel I know well enough and can trust, but she's busy rushing around everywhere and I come home feeling so bad and despondent.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think you are coping really really well and need to hold on to whatever positives there are - are you still getting the shiatsu?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I had my last session today as we are only allowed 6 sessions due to the demand on the service. This was the only part of the past 2 days that has been helpful and I won't be getting this any longer either.
I have been trying to eat sensibly, little and often, but as my distress has increased I have lost control of this completely. That's why I need help but none is forthcoming. In fact, I think I could leave the building and not even be missed at lunchtime, which is actually very tempting because then I could avoid eating.
It is ridiculous to think that this clinic is supposed to be set up as the local eating disorders cente for out patients, as well as the current day clinic and inpatients, by the start of April. The programme is hit and miss and hardly any of the afternoon sessions actually take place and the clinic is basically in anarchy at present. Who knows what will have happened when I go back in on Thursday?
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You still up for meeting for tea next week? I can do any day except Monday and would love to see you... then we can think about maybe going swimming and that will be fab!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes if you are. Friday would be best for me I think, as I'm at the clinic 3 days and Wednesday is a bit of a rest day in between. Let me know if Friday is any good for you.
Just feeling rather fed up and disillusioned tonight but also blaming myself that I'm not making progress. I think I am letting people down :(.
Karen xx
Errr.... how are you letting anyone down? The clinic is letting YOU down hun and you are dealing with it brilliantly...
I don't suppose you could afford to treat yourself to a bit of shiatsu - I think that is really really good for you.....
You may be out of control a bit at the moment, but you will get a handle on it gradually.... honestly hun I think it is just one of those things that you just have to keep plugging away at. I know it's obvious but if you stop beating yourself up about it you won't feel so bad and you won't need to do it so much..... easier said than done - boy do I know!
Next Friday is fine - we'll sort it out nearer the time - it will be lovely to see you!
Give yourself a big hug from me and try being nice to yourself - you know a bath or something... I think we'll have to try some of this beauty stuff and then we could give ourselves facials and things lol!!!!
Hope you manage to sleep ok tonight
Loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
Big (((hug))) for today sis.
Sorry today wasn't good at the clinic. I think that atmosphere would unsettle anyone. I'm sorry you're still not getting the help you need, it's not your fault though, they are supposed to provide an individual programme for all patients. I hope Becky realises this and sorts something out for you.
I don't know what else to add that Fee hasn't already said so well but I can appreciate how hard this must be.
I'm glad you and Fee are meeting up, that will be something nice to look forward too.
My right hand is really hurting now, must be too much typing lately [Oops!]
Thinking of you,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Just wanted to say night night too, hope you sleep well.
Love Lisa x x
Just want to say goodnight - hope we're all going tol sleep well!
loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks Lisa and Fee.
I don't know, I just feel like I must be letting people down if I am not making progress and getting better. I was doing well but I am the one who has sabotaged myself by bingeing. I feel like it is my fault that I am doing this and haven't been able to stop.
Fee: I don't know if she does shiatsu privately because she fits it around her nursing work at present I think, as she is still training.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know it's obvious but if you stop beating yourself up about it you won't feel so bad and you won't need to do it so much..... easier said than done - boy do I know!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hmm I seem to be beating myself up about something and right now it is this. I just can't feel good about myself while I am this weight.
Great about next Friday. Looking forward to it.
Lisa: Thanks for your support too. What would I do without my Aunty and sis?:)
Hope you both sleep well too!!!
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
You're not letting anyone down at all and you are making progress, look how far you have come. You haven't sabotaged anything either, there will be god days and bad days, but you are getting there.
Hope you're fast asleep, [|)]
Lisa x
Thanks sis.
Unfortunately I am not asleep. I have an upset stomach tonight, probably as a result of last night [xx(]. So have to keep getting up. I'm really tired now though.
I just think it looks like I am going backwards when I was feeling so positive and achieving so much a couple of weeks ago. Now I'm panicking about my weight and not being able to control my eating, and feeling bad about myself and my size is causing me to retreat back into my shell a bit.
Plus someone told me today that when you have a BMI of over 18 the funding for day care stops because it is not considered necessary. So then I really will be back at square one again.
Karen xx
Just saying hello and seeing how you feel this morning since it looks like you and Lis were up late.
Love Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
I hope you got some sleep and are feeling better this morning.
Maybe you can ask someone at the clinic tomorrow about the funding issue, hopefully whoever told you is wrong as eating problems are about far more than just weight.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Piglet and Lisa.
I am not doing too well today. Having been up half the night with an upset stomach I finally got to sleep about 5am and hoped I'd be able to sleep in late this morning - less hours to obsess about food and therefore avoid the temptation to binge.
But despite taking my sleeping pills and I still woke at 8am and although I can't be bothered to get out of bed, I am struggling with the binge thoughts.
Maybe I could cope if I knew I could stay in bed all day but I have to take my car for its MOT at 2pm, which means going out and the gararge is right next to a supermarket [Sigh...]. I am frantically drinking tons of water and chewing sugar free gum in an attempt not to eat but am petrified of giving in. Just eating an apple to try to make sure I've had something but even this feels like failure now. I want the control I had when I dealt with hunger and didn't eat all day.
Just keep thinking about chocolate and hate myself for having the thoughts because I don't want to give in, because I'll only find it even more difficult to avoid punishing myself afterwards with laxatives. Have you seen they do chocolate ones now so it's easy to take loads of them without feeling like I am swallowing pills [Oops!].
Need to get these thoughts out of my head. I want to eat sensibly. I want to avoid bingeing and using laxatives (when I had been doing so well at keeping to a low maintenance dose). But I keep losing control. I keep throwing my life away.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Maybe you can ask someone at the clinic tomorrow about the funding issue, hopefully whoever told you is wrong as eating problems are about far more than just weight.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 29 March 2006 : 12:13:01</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well it should be more than just worked out by BMI but day treatment is expensive and I have a terrible feeling I might get shunted back to the CMHT again, which will be no help whatsoever. I know things at the clinic are not perfect at present either, but at least I am getting the people contact and exposure to social situations where I am talking more. If I am no longer allowed to go there and am back at home all day every day, it will be so easy to slip backwards again.
Hope you are all ok today.
Karen xx
Hi Karen
(((((HUG)))))
Well done for eating an apple but it's not enough to stave off genuine hunger and genuine hunger will trigger the urge to binge - do you have anything else that you could eat? You KNOW you have to eat and eat sensibly to avoid bingeing but also, even if you were dieting you have to eat enough to keep your metabolism going, your mind clear, your nervous system healthy in order to deal with your feelings...
It's so hard because I know you know all this....
I hope your car gets through its MOT ok - you need it for next week!!
I hope you can continue at the clinic, but even if - worst scenario - you can't carry on there you have begun to put in place other things you can do - you know you are able to cope with being around people, you have learned you can speak up and be positive - it might be nice to find some voluntary work close to home so you can get to know more people? Otherwise you'll have to move to Brighton lol!!!!![8D]
You are going to get better anyway!!!![8D][8D]
I hope you are ok hun
loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
When will you hear about the funding mate???
Fee had a suggestion about voluntary work or something along those lines and you could always get stuck into your course;).
I also agree with Fee about the eating a meal even if its a small one will help with the binging!!!
I am just waiting for middle piglet to do me a hand treatment as part of her college course which is a nice way to spend the afternoon eh!!
Big hugs
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Some good advice form our Aunty Fee there as usual.
Hope you're feeling a bit better now and that the car passed the MOT.
Sorry this is short but I need to go and rest, plus my hand is just starting to hurt from typing again.
Piglet - that sounds very relaxing, think I may book myself a back massage when all my appts are over with.
Thinking of you,
Love Lisa x
Hi Fee
Thanks for being so supportive (as always :D).
I know an apple wasn't enough to eat but this is kind of what is scaring me. The way I feel so out of control when I binge is pushing me to want to revert back to my anorexic behaviours again, because then I felt in control and losing weight and being thin helped me feel better about myself.
Since I've lost control, been eating regularly and then the bingeing started, I have put on far too much weight (in my mind) and feel totally out of control. I want therefore to restrict food and go back to the very rigid way I had of eating when I felt good.
At those times I wouldn't allow myself to eat until teatime and I would have set times for each of my 'meals' which consisted of a very few safe food items. I am beginning to think this way again because I want that control back. When I was in control I wouldn't even have needed to eat an apple at lunchtime because I was quite capable of going all day without eating and, although hungry, it was a good hunger - like the anorexia's way of letting me know how well I was doing. Now I've become too used to eating regularly and it's hard to go back to such strict restricting again, but it is the only way I feel I can get back in control again.
I haven't yet restricted down as much as I had done when I was anorexic and I am trying to find a balance between the two but it's so hard. It is like I need to avoid all food that I might binge on just in case. I no longer trust myself.
Anyway, I needed milk so went to Sainsburys while I was waiting for my car to be done. I felt panicky because of the binge cravings but I know I can't give in to the panic and I can't avoid supermarkets or all food shops unless I plan to starve myself completely - which I don't.
It was horrendous walking round though. I bought some more fruit - grapes (which I am a bit worried about because they are not the lowest calorie fruits and I might eat too many), raspberries (which has always been one of my safe foods) and milk.
I went to look at the cereals as I'd seen that new Special K museli advertised but this contained too many calories so I didn't buy that. I did buy some Alpen Light cereal bars - they are yummy and only 69 calories a bar so better than chocolate. I've been worried about buying these though because I binged on a box of them one day last week. There was a special offer to save £1 is buying two boxes but that was too risky so I just bought the one box. I also bought some new rice cakes Sainsburys sell - they are only 14 calories as they are thinner than the normal type and I quite like those with marmite on.
Just wish Easter would be over because it is impossible to go down one isle without seeing chocolate and Easter eggs everywhere [V]. I was so tempted to buy my usual binge foods but made it out of the supermarket without any of them. Still not sure about the cereal bars and don't feel too safe having these in the flat [Sigh...].
Yes, Fee I do know I need to eat regularly and about the link between clear thinking and nutrition etc, but it is so hard when in the grips of an eating disorder to hold onto that. I am just eating a couple of rice cakes with marmite, and some raspberries and grapes. I even feel like I shouldn't be eating this even though I've hardly had anything all day.
I'll try for something a bit more substantial later but I just want to avoid the bingeing right now.
My car passed the MOT thankfully, but I need a new tyre and brake pad which I'll have done on Monday when it goes in for the service. It's a pain that my tax runs out on Friday otherwise I could've had it all done together but I've got a loan car for Monday so it won't interfere with getting to the clinic. And we are still on for next Friday!
I'm not sure what the situation is with funding to be honest but at the moment I don't think I am ready for voluntary work and I do need the therapeutic help - which has barely begun yet. Being with people at the clinic is kind of safe because we all ha
Thanks Piglet and Lisa.
Piglet: Don't know when I'll find out about the funding. I need to speak to Penny - who is the representative from the funding panel. I was meant to see her on Monday but she didn't turn up and was apparently seeing people at the clinic this morning when I obviously wasn't there.
I'll have to hope she is in next Monday and I can discuss it with her then. I don't need the disruption of changing to somewhere else or only getting out patient help at this time. It's all very up in the air at present because there are a lot of changes happening with setting up new eating disorder services in the area, but this means most patients only getting out patient support, plus CMHT back-up but I don't get on or trust the people I've seen from my local CMHT so this would set me back.
How was the hand treatment? Sounds like a relaxing afternoon for you.
Lisa: No need to apologise for a short reply. I often do the same when my wrists and arms are particularly bad. The mouse is the worst offender for causing pain, much more than actual typing, but then handwriting is even worse for me.
Would be good to treat yourself to a back massage!
Karen xx
At times like this I wish I could flick a switch to turn off all these thoughts which are driving me mad.
Rationally I know I haven't consumed too many calories today, but I still feel bad that I have eaten too much and now the binge urges are getting stronger again. I just want to be unconscious so I don't think about this or get tempted to give in.
Feel such a failure for having the thoughts and urges in the first place :(.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hi hun
I don't think the restricting in the way you did in the past IS the only way you can feel in control. You can be your own therapist. You can tell yourself what a healthy diet is and make yourself eat it. You can look for foods that are good for your skin, good for your hair, good for your eyes, give you energy, help you detox, etc etc. That would be a NEW way of being in control of your eating that would be good for you. It would still be a 'disorder' in a way but one that would allow you to think better, feel healthier and work you way back to 'normality' (whatever that is because most of us have distorted relationships to food).
You are SO capable of doing this (and better able than most of us LOL). I don't know if this is the right advice, but it is kind of what I did. I tried to learn about foods and how they affected the body and so on.... Replace the voice of anorexia with the voice of a nutritionist - someone who genuinely wants you to feel, look and be altogether healthier and better (NOT necessarily fatter)... It's a stage maybe towards being able to relax around food?
That's what I kind of thought would be considered the 'treatment' for your type of 'disorder'. (I hate all these labels).
I feel very nervous handing out this sort of advice - I only know it is what I had to do because I was ill and I had to get better. I damaged my stomach - it's probably why I have a hiatus hernia and duodenitis. I have no enamel on my teeth. My throat is so sensitive. I am only now able to accept all this despite the fact it is nearly 20 years since I stopped the behaviour.
You CAN do this Karen. The clinic is helping you with other issues and I hope you can continue to get the benefit of that, but the bottom line is that YOU will make yourself better!!!
I hope you are ok this evening - I've felt nervous about this post (and interrupted by the phone so you may haveposted again in between).
I think you are a star!!!!
Loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Fee
There is no need to feel nervous or worried about posting this and what you've said makes a lot of sense, if only I could actually do it and believe this could help me feel better.
I think in the past week I've become so focused on my need to lose weight that I can't see past that and the way I achieved it last time. But at the same time I know I could eat healthier foods which do not contain a lot of calories, like more vegetables for example. But I am getting obsessed with certain foods again and only want to eat things I've felt safe with in the past, and that I can just pick up and eat, rather than have to prepare or cook.
I do agree with you too that recovery should not focus on gaining weight but I've done this to myself by bingeing, maybe a form of punishment, and then further punished myself by purging. I've only ever once been successful in purposely making myself vomit and so haven't been able to purge this way. So I used laxatives, firstly to punish myself for eating all the food in the first place, and then to feel like I am getting rid of the food, even if it doesn't help with weight loss. I have tried so hard to stop doing this and wean myself off the laxatives but now I am feeling so bad about myself that I am tempted again. I even found chocolate laxatives which means I could punish myself in two ways at the same time - eating a food which is bad (according to me) and taking a far higher dose of laxatives than ever before because doing it this way is so much easier than swallowing pills.
You have been so brave in sharing this advice with me and also the damage previous actions caused. I have no idea what kind of long term damage I am causing myself but I suspect it will catch up with me at some point. At the moment I kid myself I am not harming myself because my health checks are always fine and no one has concerns about my blood results either. In a way, I am now getting the self-destructive thoughts and think I need to do more to damage myself and the fact that all these tests are normal means I need to resort to more drastic harmful actions. But I know these are irrational thoughts and I am fighting so hard to avoid actually going down this road again.
I feel like I am floundering around in the dark and the battle in my head is driving me literally crazy. I thought I was doing all the right things to help myself get better so why have I ended up in such a mess again? I don't understand where it has gone wrong, or I should say I don't know what I have done to make it go wrong. After all, it must be my fault.
Generally I try to rationalise my thoughts but the irrational ones are starting to win again, and no one can blame a low BMI as making it impossible for me to think clearly this time.
My latest thoughts are centred around drastic measures like surgery to stop me eating and/or to remove all the fat on my body. It doesn't matter how many times or who tells me I am not fat because I SEE the fat and I know it is there. To me it is real.
It is just like a programme I watched on Sky last night about body dysmorphia. It wasn't to do with eating disorders, but about people wanting amputations because the illness caused them to feel they needed to get rid of whatever part of them they had these bad feelings about. It is different but in a way the same because I am totally convinced that I am fat and I can see the fat. I want to get rid of it by any means possible.
Sorry, I sound like I've lost it big time now I expect and I am quite scared about writing things like this because people will think I am crazy. I am scared that if I told anyone official about this that I'd be locked up for being crazy.
Thank you so much Fee for caring so much and I wish I had the belief and hold on reality to follow your approach. I think I have lost all concept of what is normal with regard to food now and how to eat healthily. The ultimate achievement in my mind is to not eat anything at all but I keep failing in that.
Better shut up now before the men in white
Hi Karen,
No-one here thinks you are crazy. Far from it. A lot of what you ave said makes perfectly good sense.
I like the way you are writing 'according to me' and differentiating your rational thoughts from your anorexic thoughts.
You know exactly what's what and you know what you have to do. However, we ALL know the hard part is doing it. You haven't forgotten how to eat healthily. You have been overtaken by the thoughts which tell you you can't eat properly. You were eating healthily for almost a month (hope I haven't got that wrong) so it isn't possible to have forgotten how. It is just about many things and timing being one of them.
We know you have so much going on at the moment so maybe now isn't the right time for you to be trying anything too much. Maybe do stick to what you are comfortable with and build up again when you are ready.
Karen, I really hope you don't lose sight of what you HAVE achieved recently. Reading some of your latest posts it seems you are being quite hard on yourself. Be nice!!
Thinking of you and sending you lots of positive thoughts to help you along.
Tammy x
LOL Karen - no-one's going to think you are mad and cart you away - these are the same sort of irrational that Lisa and I have in terms of our health - you know that don't you!!!!
It is a battle and you are fighting hard and completely rational about the fact you know you have to fight it but like Lisa and I sometimes your thoughts get 'hijacked' (such a brilliant description).
Your rational mind is still in control although the irrational thoughts are so powerful but you will get through this... All of our 'disorders' are basically the same - body dysmorphia is just another one (how awful for them) and basically just don't panic that it's strong again at the moment - you WILL get through it again.. and writing things here really really helps me, it's like I put myself on here and then the more rational side of me can see what I am doing (when I have my health things it works really well most of the time - but not always lol!)
You deserve to be well and you deserve to be helped and I wish there was more I could do, but I am here for you hun.
Try and focus on anything else except food and weight and stuff, just do your absolute best to distract yourself....
Loads and loads of love and a big (((((HUG))))
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you so much Tammy. When my thoughts spiral like this I start to question whether I am losing it completely and becoming so irrational that I'll be sectioned or something. This is why it is so hard to admit to these kinds of thoughts to anyone at the clinic, but most of them I did put in my note to Becky on Sunday. I guess I am still panicking about what will happen in my appointment with her tomorrow.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I like the way you are writing 'according to me' and differentiating your rational thoughts from your anorexic thoughts.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This is the only way for me to try to hold on to some sense of what is real and what is part of my illness - and the reason why K suggested naming the anorexia in the first place.
Yes, I had been eating healthily, well as much as I could do for me, but then I've be sabotaging myself with the bingeing and I suppose I feel so disgusted with myself when I do this that I deserve to give myself a hard time. I also believe I am letting people down because I am stuck back in this pattern again.
Karen xx
Thanks Aunty Fee. I get scared still that speaking up and admitting how bad I am feeling and saying what my thoughts are will lead to me being locked up. I know this comes from threats I received as a child and these fears still haunt me now.
I have been trying to distract myself but you know what it is like. The more I try to do other things and concentrate on something, anything else, the more I am drawn back to obsessing about food.
I don't know but there seems to possibly be a connection between lessening my obsession with K and increasing my obsession with food and weight. It is like swapping one coping mechanism for another, which means I am not actually getting anywhere.
Thanks for being here for me. You are helping and I do really appreciate it.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Wow, I've only been missing a few hours and so much to catch up on, Lol. Makes a change to me having all the long posts :D
Not sure what's the matter with me tonight, but I keep reading the same line over and over, and my mind wanders while reading posts, never had that before either. Think I'm tired and pc'd out! Lol. Hope this thing hasn't affected my eyes.. sorry digressing now [Oops!]
Sorry you're struggling, I can't think of anything to add that Fee hasn't already said to be honest. I feel I want to add more and help but I really don't know how or what else I can add that will help.
I really hope you are able to have a good chat with Becky tomorrow and that she will sort out the support that you need.
One thing I do know though, you really are not mad in any way and will not be carted off anywhere - and if you are well I'll already be there waiting for you as they're coming for me first ;). Seriously though, we all have irrational thoughts and they are just thoughts.
Thinking of you lots, have a good day tomorrow,
I hope you sleep better tonight,
Night night sis,
Love and big hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Karen
I hope you are able to sleep tonight hun - I am off to bed shortly....
Loads of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Lisa
Makes a change for me to be writing quite so much on here in one day. Unfortunately, it is a sign that I am struggling as I haven't felt the need to do this so much for a while.
I am sure it is tiredness affecting your ability to concentrate on reading posts, or anxiety, because I have the same problem with concentration a lot of the time. I even forget mid sentence what I am writing sometimes [Duh!].
Just knowing you are here is enough sis and I don't know how I would manage without the support I receive here.
At least I'll know I'm not alone if I get carted off then lol!! I know they are irrational thoughts but then there is such a temptation to act on some of them and that's where the issue gets a bit blurred.
I think K has finally had enough of reading the same thing all week and I don't blame her really.
Hi Fee
Thanks again for your support today which is very much appreciated. I don't know what time I'll get to bed as K has asked some challenging questions that I'm not sure how to answer - at least not without her thinking I am even more irrational than she already does.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Just one quick message before I turn the pc off for the night. I've just been online ordering a couple of clinique bits so thought I'd pop back here.
Remember that although you may be struggling today, tomorrow is another new day. I know it's not as simple as that (if only eh) but you will get through this. We are all here for you. Hope tomorrow is ok at the clinic.
I hope you get some sleep soon. Maybe you can think about K's questions and answer them tomorrow if necessary.
Night sis, hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
If only a new day meant a new start. I do try to see it that way but somehow I am not getting too far looking at it like this at present.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Maybe you can think about K's questions and answer them tomorrow if necessary.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 29 March 2006 : 23:39:12</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Just been trying to write a reply that makes some sort of sense. I can't really leave it until tomorrow because although she tends to write in the evening, sometimes it is earlier and I won't have time to write during the day tomorrow as I'm at the clinic.
Oh well, off to try to sleep now. I don't think I've done too badly with calories today, although I'd prefer not to be eating as much. But I have tummy pains and feel bloated again - and I haven't taken any laxatives so it's not self-inflicted in that way. This makes me feel even fatter.
Night sis.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Hope the tummy feels better soon and that you get some sleep. I am still up too but at least I can stay in bed until lunchtime if necessary.
Night [|)],
Lisa x
PS Well done for coping so well and not taking any laxatives, that's great with how you've been feeling.
Lisa x
Thank you sis. Yes, at least one good thing I've managed - resisting the laxatives.
Just got a hot water bottle and am heading off to bed - got a bit carried away on your thread!!
Have to be up early tomorrow so I need some sleep soon.
Karen
Hi Karen,
Thanks for replying to my thread, you didn't get as carried away as I did! Lol.
Must get myself to bed now too! Sweet dreams sis, sleep well.
Love Lisa x
Morning Karen
Hope you slept ok - WELL DONE for controlling the use of laxatives - that's really really good - every step in that direction is HUGE!!! Don't underestimate what a big step that is!!!
Read about your RSI on Lisa's thread - how awful that must have been. My lodger has been doing a diamond drilling job and got told he had carpal tunnel yesterday - so it was weirdly on my mind! I had tennis elbow for 2 years so I know what it feels like - the pain was excrutiating - at its worst I couldn't bear a cotton shirt to touch it - so you must have been in agony.
I hope you feel ok this morning.
love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Morning All
Feeling tired but OK this today. I didn't sleep well and am worrying about seeing Becky today I think but at the same time I need to speak to someone about what's been going on in my head.
Fee: Thanks for that about the laxatives. I was almost off them completely a couple of weeks ago but since feeling out of control with bingeing I've been drawn back in again. So going one day without taking any was quite a big thing.
The trouble is I need to take them still at a normal maintenance dose or I feel constipated and bloated like this morning [:I].
At first it was difficult adjusting to having RSI, particularly because I had so many treatments and none of them have cured the problem but I have kind of adjusted. The pain won't go away now I don't think but I live with it and I'd much rather put up with that than all this emotional pain and distress.
Did your tennis elbow clear up completely? Basically I have aches and pains from my shoulders to my hands and fingers of varying degrees.
What are they going to do for your lodger's carpal tunnel? The appears to be a much higher success rate in treating that condition.
I'm debating about taking my laptop with me to the clinic today so I can come on here at lunchtime and if I am hanging around waiting for Becky this afternoon.
Karen xx
Hi Karen
My tennis elbow cleared up about 80% but then I got a frozen shoulder (linked I reckon). That's nearly completely settled, but there are certain things that will guarantee to set it off again so there's lots I can't do. No tennis obviously!!!! I also got jogger's knee at one point and all 3 overlapped which is ironic since having ME, exercise was out of the question! Sounded good though! I think the muscle weakness with ME means you can do these things really easily.
I think it's brilliant how you are managing the laxatives - it must feel really grotty at the moment - stick with it hun[8D]
I hope it goes really well with Becky today - I bet you have written loads down!!! What time will you see her?
I don't know what they are going to do about the carpal tunnel - he's just been signed off for 2 weeks at the moment, no treatment I don't think. He was pretty freaked, his hand was completely numb bless him.
My appt is at 3.50 - going food shopping this morning - yuk!!
Have a good day hun.
Loads of love n hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Gosh so much to catch up on when you miss in the evenings.
Soooo proud of your dealings with laxatives at the moment - infact sooo proud of you full stop. You are dealing and getting to grips with a lot of stuff that you havent in many a long while. This was never going to be easy. Stick with it mate, it maybe a bumpy ride at times but you are deffo going in the right direction.
I am just about to go and order some muscle relaxation cd's off Nopanic as I started the course this week and she wanted us to do these daily. I must admit I have been letting that sort of stuff slide. It was nice to actually speak to real people even though I was much more of a listener than you know me to be [:I][:I][:I] there is already one 'talkative' person in the group who makes me look postively shy!!!!! Actually when we had to go round the group and introduce ourselves I felt a bit panicky as I hate having to do that but it wasn't too bad in the end and its a nice mix of people.
Love Piglet xx
Oh Piglet - well done - I think that's brilliant! I should have thought of doing that course, perhaps when I have had a bit of CBT I can do it then (cos I can't afford much CBT at £36 a go!!!). Let me know what you think of the CDs? It's so easy to let things slide and you have been doing so much on these boards - I think more time for Piglet in the pig-pen is def called for lol!!!!
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
:D:D:D:D That made me chuckle Fee!!!
Yes hun I will let you know what the cd's are like, the guy said he would get them to me shortly. I do listen to Glenn Harrold cd's but have been really lax with this sort of stuff recently. That's the trouble isn't it you sort of start feeling ok so forget to do the things that helped you to get that way [:I][Oops!].
Fee all you have to do to get on one of these course is join the Nopanic charity which costs £10 annually (lots of people on here are members) and put your name down. After that it's free. The waiting list is usually anything up to 2 months but could be a lot shorter (it was only longer for me due to admin and I should have rung to chase it up)!!!
The courses are for 14 weeks and longer if you all get on and want to start a befriending group (too early to tell yet if that's an option). This weeks session was like a vocal version of our NMP 'introduce yourself' section with the reminder that obviously all that was discussed is confidential!!!
Nice mixture of lads and lasses and so strange to actually hear the words come out of other peoples mouths of stuff you exactly feel too!!!
When I have really got going with it I will try and do a seperate post. I tell you what the hour went amazingly quickly. You have to ring the number, put in your membership number and the conference room they have given you and that's all there is to it. Everytime someone comes in the room so to speak we hear a little buzzer.
Something for you to bear in mind anyway :D
Love Piglet xx
Hi Guys
Fee: That all sounds rather painful! It does seem that once you get one of these muscle/tendon problems that it can cause other problems to start.
Yes, I do feel pretty grotty having cut down so much on the laxatives. I have slip ups when I binge as I feel the need to get rid of the food somehow, even though I know it doesn't help get rid of calories.
I am seeing Becky at 3.00. I haven't written any more because I think I gave her enough to go on in my last (long) letter. I hope your appointment goes well.
Piglet: Thanks mate. I don't feel like I have been doing very well recently and it's been noticed here that I've been quite withdrawn.
Glad the CBT is going well. It takes a while to get used to new groups like this.
We had a group session with Becky and Julia this morning. Becky asked me how I have been and I said not too good. She said I don't look too well today.
Anna spoke for a bit about how she let rip and lost it with Annie on Tuesday. Next Julia asked me if I've ever done that. I said no. I find it difficult to talk in groups anyway but it's even more difficult when it is painful stuff but I ended up talking a bit about Dad, how I feel in confrontation situations and the kinds of things that were said to me when I was a child.
I was so scared when I was talking that I was shaking but both Becky and Julia said how well I'd done to share some of that and Julia said it also helps them understand why it is so difficult for me to talk, particularly in these situations.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
What are you doing online! Lol. I thought I was seeing things, you must have taken your laptop with you or something.
Well done for talking in this mornings session like that, that really is fantastic. It must have been so hard but you did it.
Good luck for the chat with Becky, I'm sure it will be fine.
I was only saying earlier on my post that this thread was pretty safe for me, then I come here to find more RSI, carpel tunnel, frozen shoulders etc [:O] Only joking guys. However I'm off as my right hand is hurting and I'm imagining it's going numb and it did tingle the other day! My shoulder is hurting too so now not sure if it's frozen or mouse shoulder! Lol.
Piglet, good luck with the NP course. I joined them three years ago but am not a member now. I thought about doing the telephone course but the waiting list back then was ages and I decided one to one CBT was better for me. I must try and start listening to the CD's I received this week that my doctor recommended, I have tried them in the past though and they do nothing for me, even my CBT lady said they just don't help some people and can even make some more anxious (yep that's me), but must have one last try!
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Yes, I managed to sneak my laptop in today !!:D
It was really difficult talking in the group this morning and it is the first time I have shared any personal information about my life in a group.
This is my dilemma about being here really because I recognise the way it is helping me with my social phobia and I am starting to address some of my childhood issues, but the food situation is worse. This is what I need to talk to Becky about this afternoon.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I was only saying earlier on my post that this thread was pretty safe for me, then I come here to find more RSI, carpel tunnel, frozen shoulders etc
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 30 March 2006 : 13:36:10</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Oops sorry Lisa! We'll lay off the subject from now on.
Nigel - Thanks for your good wishes.
Karen xx
Lol about the laptop :D
Good luck this aft mate!!!
Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
No need to be sorry, you know what I'm like ;)
Hope it goes well with Becky (you should be chatting right now!).
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Feeling very emotional, confused and upset right now, so much so that I don't know what to say about today really.
How can I have done so well this morning (so I've been told) and yet feel so dreadful now? In fact, I feel like the world has caved in on me again and there is no hope of a way out :(.
I saw Becky this afternoon and although she is fairly easy to talk to, understanding and doesn't push too hard, I still wonder what good this is doing me. It seems like we keep going over the same stuff and I come away feeling ten times worse having dredged up all those painful feelings again.
Still am not getting anywhere with getting help with the bingeing. I think we spent only a couple of minutes discussing this even though I'd said it is the reason I am feeling so low. She just said I 'look healthy', although this morning she said I wasn't looking well [Ugh]. Then she said I still look slim and my BMI is 'nothing' BUT I look FAT when I see myself and my BMI is a big deal to me.
I wanted to be able to post a success post about this morning but now I am just feeling too distressed to concentrate on anything except these very painful emotions.
Felt I was just about coping but now I am at rock bottom again and can't see a way out.
Karen xx
Just lost my balance getting out of bed - yes I know I shouldn't be in bed at this time of day [:I].
Really hurt myself and am probably going to have some big bruises later.
Oh and before anyone asks - I have eaten today and have only just had my tea [Sigh...].
Big (((hugs))) sis,
I'm sorry the talk with Becky hasn't really helped, what a shame. Is there anyone else that you could ask there? I know it's not your style to make a fuss but you have every right to know why you're not getting the support you need, the treatment is supposed to be individual.
They really should take your concerns more seriously in my opinion. I'm sure your BMI is still quite low but they need to work with you on this and how it makes you feel, not just tell you it's ok and you're healthy. Of course it is great that you are more healthy but you do need some help with dealing with this and especially the bingeing. Whether you are part of the EDU or not you should still be getting help.
Is it tomorrow you see the dietician, maybe she can help? But I know she probably isn't an expert in emotions behind eating disorders.
Whatever else has happened today, you still managed to talk with Becky and discuss painful things which was still progress and this morning was most definitely a success, without a doubt. Try and hold onto that. You have done so well today.
Thinking of you.
Love Lisa x
Aww another (((hug))) for losing your balance getting out of bed. Hope you're not too badly bruised.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for the hugs sis. I really feel I need them right now. It just seems to be one of those days where things go from bad to worse. I am trying to acknowledge and take credit for the success of facing my fears and speaking in the group and then to Becky, but it is so hard when I come home feeling worse and then have to somehow try to cope with it alone. I know I have you guys here and it does help, but sometimes I just wish there was someone actually here with me.
I am also not used to therapy where I come away feeling worse than when I went in. This approach seems to me to be just like counselling and talking about all the bad memories without it leading anywhere. Every time I talk about it I get all those horrible and hurtful feelings back again and no help with how to cope - so I cope the only way I can by slipping back into my eating disorder pattern again.
Becky said my BMI is normal (even if at the lower end) but I said to her that I am petrified that I'll continue gaining weight at this fast rate and soon I'll be overweight. She just said it is good to be a normal BMI. I just can't see it this way and it feels like my worries and fears are being dismissed. She didn't even refer to the letter I gave her on Sunday, so I don't know whether she has read it or just wants to keep me talking about my childhood because she said there is still a lot more to tell because it takes a lot for a child of 12 to want to die and then to attempt suicide. I don't think this is helping me.
This is the only individual help on offer at present. In a few weeks I might get to see the psychotherapist but nothing is settled.
I am seeing the dietician tomorrow, although I am supposed to be seeing my doctor first and I am not sure I will be able to make both appointments. It will be ok if my doctor is running to time but she is usually running late.
I've hurt the right side of my body but think it is just bruising. It hasn't helped my wrist though.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
30-03-06, 18:59
Hi Karen,
Ouch!! I hope you aren't too bruised.
Sorry today hasn't left you feeling too good. Sorry that you don't feel Becky's approach is helping. Could you ask your doctor about the bingeing, or someone else at the clinic?
Becky's approach does sound rather psychodynamic with the emphasis on childhood, maybe she is just preparing the background to the therapy you may be receiving later. You'll probably have to give it more time to be able to see benefits- but is the past that is causing the current problems, so I guess it is truly the best place to start. I hope you are able to start feeling more positive as a result soon- I know going over things is hard.
Keep at it honey,
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Thanks for your message Hannah.
At the moment the approach does appear to be psychodynamic and although a lot of my current issues stem from my childhood I am not sure how helpful it is just talking about it. It is like stirring up all those feelings again but with no plan of what to do or how to cope with the emotions being roused.
I also hope I don't have to go through this all twice, starting right at the beginning again if I switch to seeing the psychotherapist.
Feel very tired, confused, upset and emotional tonight... and now sore too [Duh!].
Just want and need to sleep.
Karen xx
(((((KAREN)))))
Oh I hope you haven't hurt yourself too much hun?
WELL DONE for this morning - that is fantastic!
I hope you manage to feel a bit better about all this later - you are doing so so so well despite the lack of support.... Working on all these other areas should help you to manage your eating gradually, but as I said before, I reckon YOU are the one that knows best how to deal with this - it's just so very very hard...
I hope you feel a little better this evening. I am absolutely nackered, written this and completely flaking out!!!
Take care hun
loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks Fee. I too am exhausted but struggling with what to do with all these feelings now they have been stirred up. It is making the eating disorder thoughts worse.
I'm alright really but just a bit sore. Not a very sensible thing to do to fall out of bed. That'll teach me for being lazy and sitting in bed so early in the evening.
Just want to have one minute of one day where I don't obsess or worry about food :(.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope you're not feeling too sore now.
Just wanted to say I'm still thinking of you. I know it's hard for you again right now but you really are still doing well and continually making progress.
I hope your appointments tomorrow go well.
Night sis,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Karen
I hope you haven't done too much damage! It's hard isn't it coping with all these negative thoughts all the blasted time.. I'm having a minor respite from mine at the moment! You WILL have one too:D
I hope you get through tonight ok hun - and it's a bit easier tomorrow.
I'm off to bed now - sleep well.
loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Lisa and Fee.
Am not feeling too well at the moment. I am feeling sick, dizzy and shaky[xx(]. Been trying to sleep but can't sleep either.
Haven't even written to K which shows I am not feeling too good.
Karen xx
Oh karen hun - I do hope it passes soon - you probably shook yourself up and with everything else you're dealing with...
I'm sending you a huge ((((HUG)))) and hope the sleep fairies come and get you and you wake up feeling much much better...
Nite nite xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Fee. Don't think I will be able to sleep for a while until the nausea passes.
I think you are right that it is just the stress from today, feeling really tired and being a bit shaken up.
Night Aunty Fee and thank you for the hug.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope you feel better soon and do get to sleep.
Love and a big (((Hug))),
Night sis,
Lisa x
P.S The time on this forum is still odd for me, it is correct all day now but come this time of night it's an hour fast again - how odd!
Thank you Lisa.
I can't sleep and feel too distressed to sleep :(. Can't take any more of this.
Karen xx
Aww sis, big (((hugs))).
Sorry you're feeling distressed, and can't sleep. Can you just maybe snuggle up with a hot water bottle and a tape to listen to?
Wish I could do more to help but I am thinking of you ok.
I hope you sleep soon,
Love and more hugs,
Little sis x x
Thanks for the hug little sis.
Need to take my sleeping pills and drag myself away from the computer. I'm trying to convince myself it is just a bad day but then every day this week seems to have been bad and I am worried I am slipping back into deep depression again.
My turn to admit to Googling now too [:I]. This added distress makes me more desperate to lose weight and quickly. I am losing hope now that the so-called experts are not even able to help.
You are helping by supporting me and caring and I really appreciate it sis. I know you are trying to spend less time here.
I guess everything is happening at once and I am feeling overwhelmed again.
Karen xx
Can't even sleep with the sleeping pills now. I've only been drifting in and out of sleep and have not even had 3 hours sleep and am awake again.
Just can't do anything and don't want to be awake to face another day like this. This is torture. I don't have one minute of the day where I dion't obsess about food or how fat I am. The torment is there 24/7.
I have had enough and I just want to block it all out permanently. I don't want to live like this anymore. The more control I lose, the worse it gets. I'll be isolating myself again because I cannot bear to let anyone see me like this. Either I lose weight or I don't have a life.
Sorry to be writing so negatively and I don't want to upset anyone. I am desperate for help with this and have been for weeks. But none of those whose role it is to help are doing anything. I can't do it alone anymore. I can't even face the next hour of feeling like this, let alone a whole day.
Karen
Oh Karen hun I'm so sorry you feel so bad...
I wish I could do more to help. This week has rolled itself into a ball to knock you over but you have achieved so much lately don't forget how much better you have been feeling. I suppose it is not surprising that your feelings are overwhelming you as you are trying to deal with them, but you CAN do it.
It is horrible to feel like this but you have to find other ways out of it because you know that losing weight won't make you feel better - you've been trying that for a long time and it doesn't work. You have to try and find other ways that might help in the long term...
Did you get anywhere with writing that letter to your dad? Is that what has sent you into a spin do you think?
The equation is not:
Put on weight = feel bad = shove your feelings down = control your eating = feel better
It is;
Feel bad = shove your feelings down = binge = feel fat =control your eating = feel worse
Does that make sense? It is because you are afraid of your feelings and you push them down that you binge and feel worse.
You think it's putting on weight that is making you feel so bad but it isn't really that. It is all those feelings that you are trying to push away, that make you binge, then you can blame the putting on weight for how you feel.
You will NOT feel better if you lose weight, because the feelings will still be there.
Karen hun try not to miss this opportunity to go through your feelings and experience them and confront them. Try to talk about what has made you feel like this - if you can't get that help at the clinic, or here (you can always write me a long e-mail if that's any help - let it all out?) or maybe you could get some extra help privately to talk to someone?
We are here for you hun whatever happens.
(((((KAREN))))))
It will not be like this for ever. If you spiral again you will come up again and you will still have learned what you have learned.
Thinking of you...
Loads and load of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen
You are not upsetting anyone hun. We are all here to help you through this. Sorry you didnt manage to get much sleep, you must be exhausted hun.
Here if you want to talk.
Big hugs
Love Sal xx
Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.
"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".
Caught up now but can you remind me of Becky's title or role again.
I know with letting go of painful experiences it needs to be done slowly and gently but it will help longer term if it's done right. Have you said to Becky what are her thought on the letter you wrote her??? All this letting go though does need to be leading somewhere and it might be an idea to let her know just what an impact this is having on you.
Hope you havent got too many bruises today.
Big furry hug.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hannahlou84
31-03-06, 10:17
Hi Karen,
Sorry you are feeling so awful. I know how the no sleep feels, I do. And counselling always makes you feel worse for a while when you are talking about different things that upset you. Might be worth telling Becky how it leaves you feeling, and see if she can suggest ways for dealing with what you discuss.
What do you planned for today? Are you going to keep yourself busy? Was it today you and Fee were meeting up?
You haven't let anyone down, and you are still doing so so well. Just one thing though... weren't you ill with hormonal related migraines last week? Just wondering if that might be related to how low you are feeling this week- could it be partly hormones? Not to rubbish how you are feeling, I just no things are 100 times worse for me when hormones are involved. I need to find some supplements!!!
Hope today turns out better for you,
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Thank you all. I really appreciate all the support and I just don't want to cause worry or concern when I am feeling so low. I get suicidal thoughts because I feel so overwhelmed but I find ways to avoid going that far. Sometimes though I just really do wish to go to sleep and not wake up. I just really could do with a break from feeling so low and distressed all the time.
Piglet: I do understand about needing to work through the issues that led to my various problems, including the eating disorder, but I just feel there needs to be practical help too and not just talking about the memories and re-experiencing those painful memories.
At the moment we have an hour's session, talk about all these painful things and then I come home and somehow have to try to deal with the fall out of bringing this pain to the surface again.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Caught up now but can you remind me of Becky's title or role again.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
She's a mental health nurse and takes on a role of counsellor at the clinic, but I am not sure what kind of counselling she's trained in. I need some help which is solution focused in nature and not just talking over things for the sake of it.
No, I didn't actually mention the letter but I did tell her the reason I've felt so bad all week is still because I am struggling so much to control the bingeing, but all she would talk about is how it is good to have reached a healthy BMI. She is not acknowledging the fact that I am not coping with the weight gain and want to lose weight. I am so desperate I would do anything to achieve weight loss.
Sal: Thanks for your support. Yes, I am exhausted but need to stay up now really as I have appointments this afternoon. All I want to do is sleep.
Hannah: My experience of therapy has not been like this before and I guess that's what I liked so much about hypnotherapy. Yes it can be very upsetting and difficult when talking about painful issues but the sessions always ended with hypnosis to help me feel better and more relaxed again. At the moment I feel worse and this is showing in my struggles with food.
Still in bed at the moment but have a doctor's appointment and then seeing the dietician later, as long as I can get there in time.
Yes I did have hormonal migraines last week but this isn't anything to do with that. I feel so bad because I don't think I am getting the help I need to deal with the food issues. Gaining weight and bingeing is causing my distress.
Karen xx
Hi Fee
You are already doing all you can to help by being here and offering me support. I don't expect anyone here to have the answers really because that's what I am going to the clinic for. It helps to be able to offload though because I sometimes feel I am sitting at home going quietly mad [Sigh...].
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It is horrible to feel like this but you have to find other ways out of it because you know that losing weight won't make you feel better - you've been trying that for a long time and it doesn't work. You have to try and find other ways that might help in the long term...</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I know the eating problems are a symptom and controlling food has been a coping mechanism. OK so losing weight didn't lead to happiness but I sure didn't feel as distressed as I do now. At least I felt I was achieving some success and felt better about myself when I was losing weight. Now all I feel is self-hate, loathing and repulsion towards myself.
The longer this goes on the more difficult it is to resist going back to some of the self destructive behaviours I was using before, like ordering more diet pills and increasing my use of laxatives again.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Did you get anywhere with writing that letter to your dad? Is that what has sent you into a spin do you think?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No I haven't really got anywhere with that and Becky seems to have dropped the idea for now. Maybe she thinks it is too much too soon. I am still going to try to do it but there are so many feelings of guilt and betrayal in my head when I talk about him and I don't even feel I have the right to say what I want to write in this letter. I don't think this is what has put me into a spin. It is more the frustration at repeatedly asking for some practical help and ideas to curb the bingeing and my pleas being ignored or pushed to one side.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The equation is not:
Put on weight = feel bad = shove your feelings down = control your eating = feel better
It is;
Feel bad = shove your feelings down = binge = feel fat =control your eating = feel worse
Does that make sense? It is because you are afraid of your feelings and you push them down that you binge and feel worse.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hmm... not sure.
I still think it is the bingeing and weight gain causing me to feel so bad and that getting control back by not eating (or at least restricting) and therefore losing some weight that will help me feel better. At present I am so distressed by the weight and bingeing issues that I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with anything else. If I felt more in control of the food issues I would then be in a better position to work on these other difficulties.
At the moment I think dredging up all the old hurt and pain from childhood and just talking about it which = ruminating in a way - just causes me to try to cope in the only way I know how and that's by either punishing myself by bingeing and then purging, or by getting control back by restricting. It is a vicious circle and I don't know ho
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
Piglet: I do understand about needing to work through the issues that led to my various problems, including the eating disorder, but I just feel there needs to be practical help too and not just talking about the memories and re-experiencing those painful memories.
Karen xx
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 31 March 2006 : 13:01:49</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I couldn't agree more so it would be nice to see where Becky is going with this and I think you could say that exact phrase to her the next time and see what she has to say!!!!
Big hugs mate for this painful process.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Big hugs sis, I hope you feel better later. It must be hard having to deal and struggle with all these thoughts.
I wish I could say more to help, but I am thinking of you.
Sorry this is short but I am struggling to read much today as looking at the screen is making my head and nausea worse. My neck hurts if I type too much too. I managed my post but that was enough and I started to hurt again. Sorry. I feel bad for not saying more when you are struggling so much, but in all honesty I just don't know what to say that will help, wish I did.
I hope the appts go well this afternoon, can you tell your doctor how bad you feel maybe?
Thinking of you sis,
Love Lisa x
Piglet: Thanks for the hug :).
I think maybe I do need to ask Becky where this is heading but it will be hard to question her methods. I think maybe another note or an email might be in order.
Lisa: No need to apologise sis. I completely understand how difficult it is looking at the computer screen with a headache and not feeling well. Don't feel you have to post here. I know you are thinking of me and supporting me. You need to look after yourself and put yourself first.
I have written a note for my doctor so that I can let her know how much I am struggling and what I am struggling with. It will be much quicker this way or it will take me half an hour to try to tell her verbally!
Must get up soon I suppose and make an attempt to have a bath and get dressed. Just have no energy and want to sleep [|)].
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Thanks for saying that, you're right I am/will be thinking of you, even if I don't post a long reply.
Well done for writing a note, I hope both appts go well.
Bye for now,
Lisa x
Hi all
My appointments went fine thank you. In fact, I am so lucky to have such a supportive doctor who is willing to go that extra mile for me. She was rather concerned about some of my symptoms and gave me a thorough health check. Blood pressure and heart etc were all fine but she is repeating blood tests because she is particularly concerned about potassium levels and about my thyroid function. She said my thyroid levels were really 'out of kilt' last time and I might need an increase in my Thyroxine medication.
The feeling unsteady and loss of balance she said could be due to potassium imbalance but the clinic already perform weekly blood tests and I don't think there is really likely to be any problem there. My thyroid levels might still be too low though as the clinic don't check for that.
My doctor is also going to try to get hold of Becky and speak to her about the way I am feeling to see if some more support can be arranged to help with the bingeing. She is a bit concerned about my state of mind at the moment and the desperation of some of the thoughts I am having about how to lose weight.
Luckily I just about was on time for the appointment with the dietician - Sarah. She said she was so sad to note the change in me since the last time I saw her. She said I was so positive and focused last time, whereas my low mood and despondency is obvious. She said setbacks happen to everyone and what is important is how quickly these can be turned around and that she would hate to see me fall right back into the tight grip that anorexia had on me before. Not much chance of that when I am not able to stop bingeing :(.
She really does have an excellent understanding of eating disorders and more so I think than anyone at the clinic. She spent an hour talking to me and trying to get to grips with where things are going wrong and how to try to get things back on track again. She said I already have a good understanding and insight into the cycle I feel trapped in and it is finding ways of breaking that cycle.
She said she has belief in me that I am strong enough to turn things around again and is sure there is a link between all the uncertainty and inconsistencies at the clinic and also starting to go back over reasons why I've ended up with these problems in the first place.
However, I told her I am at my lowest point again at the moment where I have lost hope of recovering, whereas until recently I had been feeling more positive and making progress. I think she is concerned that I might get pulled right back into the full trap of the eating disorder again unless some help is forthcoming to help me cope with the painful memories and feelings that I am being encouraged to express in my sessions with Becky. At the moment I am feeling guilty for betraying my family by talking about what happened in the past and feeling that I am bad and all of this is my fault. This leads me to punish myself with bingeing/purging or starving myself.
We talked a lot and she said she is willing to see me regularly to help me get back on track and eating small, regular amounts. I know it is the extremes that are throwing me off track - bingeing one minute and starving myself the next, but I can't get it out of my head that eating is failing and gaining weight is failing.
I have an appointment to see her again in about 10 days and I think it was helpful seeing her today. She gave me some specific advice about being focused when I go to shops for food so that I know exactly what I am going for and don't end up letting the anxiety get to me and feeling overwhelmed that I end up buying all the foods I am trying to avoid. She said she hopes I can do it but recognises I am at a very low ebb and do not have the hope or belief in myself at present.
Today has been constructive with the appointments. I just find it impossible to see how it can be healthy for me to be the way I am now, ie at my current BMI, when physically I feel so much worse. I feel more unwell now than I ever did with full scale anorexia.
Hannahlou84
31-03-06, 20:47
I am glad both yuor appointments went so well. And that your doctor and Sarah both seem to be doing what they can for you- and recognize you are in a difficult (if common) place. I hope they are able to sort a little more help for you.
Must be nice to know you still have people on "your side" who you can rely on. Perhaps on days when you are struggling you could focus on their support, and try and apply what you are learning from Sarah e.g. being focused when shopping.
Sorry I can't say more, not feeling right atm.
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
HUG HUG HUG KAREN
You have done so so so well today:D:D:D:D:D:D
I know you don't feel it but you really are doing brilliantly - you are fighting this and getting every bit of help you can. I am so glad the dietician is so good and your GP too.
I suspect you have had a virus from the sounds of things - but it is good she is checking your thyroid - that causes depression anyway doesn't it?
The way you are understanding what is happening is why we can all see that you CAN beat this - even though it is so hard and so painful......
I am over-awed with your strength - you have felt so poorly all week and just kept struggling on.
I hope you feel well enough to come over to Brighton next week - I am really looking forward to it!
I hope the weekend isn't too hard - text or call if it gets really tough - I'm buzzing about a lot at the moment trying to keep myself active and hope to drive somewhere tomorrow but that's all...
You WILL get through this and I hope you are keeping good notes about what helps and what doesn't for when you set up your own clinic to help other people!!![8D]
Loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Hannah and Fee.
I am so lucky with my doctor because she has really done all she can to get me the help I need and in the way I have wanted to go about it. Previous experiences with GPs have not been so good.
Sarah is helpful too and while talking to her today it helped me to realise one of the possible reasons why I've been struggling so much more with bingeing getting out of hand in the past couple of weeks.
When I first manged to sort out the lunch situation at the clinic I had a very positive week and felt much more in control. Then I slipped back a bit and the situation has been getting steadily worse. My coping strategy since I first started trying to eat regularly and sensibly has been to use distraction while eating and immediately afterwards to take my focus away from how I feel about eating. However, all the changes at the clinic in the past couple of weeks have meant that I've been left increasingly isolated and alone for a couple of hours at lunch time. As we have all been separated it has now got to the situation where I am the only person in the main lounge after lunch now, so there is no one to chat to and nothing to do as we are supposed to 'rest' for an hour.
In that time I have become increasingly focused on the fact that I have eaten, then the feelings of guilt and that I am bad for eating start. Gradually these build and by the time I leave the clinic at the end of the day, the binge urge is so strong that I stop off at the supermarket and grab everything in sight.
Until speaking about my thought processes and coping strategies I was using a month ago compared to now, I hadn't actually made this connection. I am not sure what the answer is because I don't find watching TV or reading etc enough of a distraction. Being able to come on here and post and answer other posts, or have other people to talk to is the only way I can see round this but at least it is somewhere to start from and maybe something I can discuss with Becky or Julia at the clinic next week.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I suspect you have had a virus from the sounds of things - but it is good she is checking your thyroid - that causes depression anyway doesn't it?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am not sure this is a virus and probably is more to do with the way I have been abusing my body in one way or another for so long. Underactive thyroid can be an indication in depression but I've had depression much longer than thyroid problems. I've been on Thyroxine for underactive thyroid for some time now but since my eating has been unstable, ie since bingeing and then restricting, my thyroid levels have been unstable. My doctor suspects my dose might still not be high enough, so my levels must've been quite low on the last blood test.
Yes, Fee, I do have a fair insight into what is happening and why but it is knowing what to do to change that is the problem. As Sarah said today (and Becky yesterday) my belief that I am bad has been drummed into me from such a young age that it is really stuck in my head and it is going to take a lot of challenging and hard work to change the way I see myself.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I hope you feel well enough to come over to Brighton next week - I am really looking forward to it!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am looking forward to it too. I am sure I will be fine by next week, particularly if some changes help me get a better control of what and how I am eating again.
Good luck for going out for a drive Fee. I am hoping to attend an
Hi Karen,
I'm so pleased you appts went well today and really pleased the dietician will be seeing you more often, that's really great. Your doctor sounds lovely too - is she related to mine! Lol. I hope she sorts your throid out if necessary. Reading about potassium freaked me for a minute there, as mine was a touch low last September, literally only marginally low (one point maybe), not low enought to cause symptoms, but I'm now imaging it's gone lower and that's why I feel wobbly. Grrr. I must not google this now, although I want to. She thought it was test error as several peoples were low, but at the time I did ask the hospital and the cardio and he said it was no concern. Sorry digressing, doesn't take much at the moment, sorry. My fault for being silly.
I too believe you can turn this around again too, I really do. You're sounding much more positive again tonight.
I am still thinking of you, I hope you sleep well tonight and that this weekend is ok for you. Maybe next week can be alot better and some positive changes can be made at the clinic too.
Night,
Lisa x
Oh I know it's a bit repetitive but WOW
It is so brilliant that you worked out what exactly is going on - and I'm sure you can work round that now - maybe you can call people? I'm often around at the moment?
I think an on-line service would be good for starters;)
You're doing so well hun! I hope you manage to sleep ok and I'm glad you have stuff to do this weekend!
Nite nite
Loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks Lisa and Fee.
Lisa: Sorry to worry you about mentioning blood tests and potassium levels. I didn't think but I don't think this is the cause of why I have been feeling a bit wobbly and have stumbled a couple of times. If I do have low levels it will be a result of the laxative abuse I was indulging in and it is a regular test for people with eating disorders. I am sure you have nothing to be concerned about.
Fee: Thanks, another wow!! I do need to find ways to distract myself after lunch times at the clinic and thanks for the offer to call. This is something I need to address on Monday, probably with Julia I think as Becky is not always on duty.
Night sis and aunty.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Just ignore me, you know what I'm like, you shouldn't even have to consider how I will react, it is your post, say what you want. I'm ok about it, just made me think for a minute! Lol. I should keep it to myself more when I react like that, not be so selfish and think of myself [:I].
I can be freaked by reading the simplest things some days, no ones fault but mine and how I react to it. I also just get sidetracked and end up rambling away about what I'm thinking!
Finding a way to distract yourself after lunch at the clinic sounds a
good plan, I hope Becky or Julia can help with this. You're so good at working out what you need, this is very positive.
Have a [Wow!] from me too, you deserve it, and a big (((hug))) too :).
Night sis, lets hope we're not night owls again in a few hours tonight!
Love Lisa x
Hi Sis
Don't worry about it or for mentioning how you felt. These thoughts hit us before we even realise what is happening. I just forget sometimes how these things can be picked up on by other people because I don't have health worries, although maybe I'd recover more quickly if I did!
Like you say, we can all say what we want (within reason :D) in our posts. I have exactly the same kind of anxious reaction to food and weight being mentioned in other topics at times but that's just my hang-up.
Hope we are not night owls tonight. I really need to be up by 6.30 in the morning and was planning to be in bed long before now. Think I'm going to be tired again tomorrow.
Feeling rather achy and sore tonight too after my clumsy fall yesterday, which makes it difficult to get into a comfortable position [Sigh...].
Night sis.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Thanks for understanding my potassium blip! Lol. You're right we can all say what we want within reason. I try not to mention my diet and being overweight in my post because it's not fair on you (sorry to mention it here, just trying to explain). Instead I just mention how awful the things are I will have to eat! Lol. If I ever get back to a normal weight though, I will be so happy I may shout it from the rooftops, so I warn you in advance! Lol. Seriously though I suppose we all have to hear others talking about subjects that make us uncomfortable, and that in itself can be good therapy in some ways as we can't avoid these things in life always.
Sorry to hear you're sore after your fall, I thought you might be, hope you're not too bruised and that you can find a comfortable position to lay in. I can only get comfortable on my back at the moment and I prefer sleeping on my side.
I hope the hypnosis workshop goes well tomorrow.
Night sis, hope you sleep well and soon, especially as you have to be up so early.
Love Lisa x
Morning all
Don't know how but I am up (just about ) after only having a couple of hours sleep. I know I am going to be tired today[|)].
Feeling depressed again though because I know it will be good for me to go to this workshop so that I can be around people. But I have nothing to wear - at least nothing I feel comfortable wearing since I've gained weight.
Some of my old clothes just about fit but then I can see every lump and bump of fat, so I won't wear those. So it looks like I am still stuck with wearing the deliberately oversized tops I bought and tracksuit trousers again. Hating myself again now and I don't want to eat.
I have prepared a salad with a bit of chicken and some fruit to take with me for the day but ideally I don't want to eat anything in the hope the weight will come off more quickly, just like when I fasted for a number of days before.
I hate being like this. I just wish I could wake up for just one day and feel alright about all of this. Instead I obsess about food and how I can try not to eat because I hate myself being this fat. It is constant mental torment.
Better go and get dressed I suppose but feel I should just wear a sack to hide under :([:I][Sigh...].
Lisa: Thanks for your last post and I realise you try not to mention food and weight. I'm the one doing that this morning. Just wish I didn't have to eat because I don't believe my eating will ever be normal again.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
01-04-06, 09:54
Morning Karen,
It will be extremely difficult to get your eating back to "normal" if even a small part of you doesn't believe it can.
You know that if your try fasting your body will just store the very next thing you put on and make you gain weight anyway, so it's not really worth not eating, is it?
You will be better off eating earlier on in the days, because you have more chance of burning off what you have eaten, and my doctor actually said to me that morning and early afternoons are the best times to eat your bigger meals if you want to lose weight- so by avoiding eating until later, you are actually making it more likely you will gain weight.
How about discussing some kind of food plan with Sarah next time you see her, see what she suggests?
I hope you have a nice day today, it's sunny here at least!!
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Morning Karen
I expect you have left already! I hope you don't feel too exhausted and you get something out of today - it's brilliant that you are going!
I hope you enjoy the day!:D
loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Have a good day today mate :D:D
That was interesting about your thoughts straying after lunch as you are alone at that time - yes do tell Julia or Becky about this as hopefully something could be arranged to alter that.
Catch you later.
Big hugs
Love Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
I hope you're having (probably had by the time you read this) a good day at the workshop.
Thinking of you.
Love Lisa x
Afternoon all.
It is lunchtime now and after feeling initially quite good about coming today, I have been getting distressed as time passes. Mostly this is due to obsessing about food again, particularly after feeling so fat when trying to find something to wear this morning.
The course is very intense and there isn't any time to talk to Jill really, although I am in two minds whether to mention anything anyway. I want her to think I am doing well but I've just panicked about lunch [Duh!].
Fee: I've been to a number of these and thought it would be good to come again. It is in a way and better for me this time that its being held at the uni at Falmer as it is closer. But the room here is like in the depths of a building - very dark and dingy and Jill isn't at all impressed.
Lisa: Got my laptop with me again and so I am catching up before getting home lol!
Hannah: The main problem is that I don't believe I can get back to normal eating. I am scared of eating because it gets out of control and I am scared of not being able to stop.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You know that if your try fasting your body will just store the very next thing you put on and make you gain weight anyway, so it's not really worth not eating, is it?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well that's true to an extent but it depends how long you fast for and how you start eating again. Restricting was good enough to allow me to lose weight last time.
I know it is better to eat earlier in the day, but once I start eating I have trouble stopping which is why I don't want to eat until as late as possible.
I've discussed this with Sarah and know it is best to eat little and often but I just can't do it that way and still remain in control.
I had good intentions of eating regularly today by bringing fruit for snacks and a small chicken salad for lunch but now I can't eat it. I am too scared what will happen once I start. Plus I am stuck in this lecture room and there are loads of packets of biscuits for people to have during tea breaks. The torment it unbearable again.
Karen xx
Sorry Piglet. Missed your post there [:I].
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">That was interesting about your thoughts straying after lunch as you are alone at that time - yes do tell Julia or Becky about this as hopefully something could be arranged to alter that.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 01 April 2006 : 11:33:29</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am not feeling so hopeful that things will be that easy to change now. I think this is still part of the problem but I just can't stop obsessing about food and am completely fed up with it. These thoughts are in my head from the moment I wake until the time I go to bed and I am so ashamed that I'm not able to stop.
Feeling tired and fed up again.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Glad the workshop is going well. I see you have your laptop, is that to check up that I'm not googling! Lol.
You will get there in the end with these thoughts about food, but it must be really hard in the meantiime.
Big hug and thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Karen,
Hope your day turned out to be productive. Thinking of you.
Tammy x
Hi Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I see you have your laptop, is that to check up that I'm not googling! Lol.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yep :D[^]
I can't cope with this food obsession. These thoughts have been preoccupying me most of the day and nothing helps to block the thoughts.
I'm so fed up of feeling like this and missing out on things because I can't handle being around food. When I was restricting last year it didn't bother me when other people were eating or to be around food because I knew I was strong enough to resist. Now I feel the need to avoid food altogether.
Going out with the others at lunchtime would've been good for me, although a challenge for social anxiety and other reasons, but it was the food situation that prevented me from going.
Now I know I have failed again.
Hi Tammy
Thanks for your support. It's not really been a good day. I just want to take my sleeping pills to block everything out and sleep.
Karen xx
Karen hun pleeeeeeese don't give yourself a hard time, you are achieving so much.... It's going to be a slow process and the other things you are doing will gradually make the eating side easier.... I do know what it's like but it just does gradually get less difficult if you keep up all the other stuff....
I'm so glad you went today - i didn't realise till i came home you were in falmer today!! I bet it was breezy there, it's quite exposed isn't it - I worked up there some years ago...
I hope you are ok this evening, please try and be kind to yourself hun
loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Agree with Fee - you are way too hard on yourself, I think you could have a look at all you have achieved so far, rather than what you still haven't got to yet.
Infact so could we all!!!!!
Big hugs my lovely :)
Piglet x
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you Fee.
It is really hard to believe that this will ever go away. I am coping with challenging myself with the social phobia and I am even kind of coping with raking over my childhood and the painful memories that evokes, but I just can't cope with how I feel about my weight gain, the bingeing and constantly thinking about food. I just wish I had a switch in my head to stop these thoughts.
The only way I can cope tonight is to take an extra sleeping pill and hope I sleep right through until morning this time. I just want to be asleep now to get some peace from all of this. I feel bad that I don't even feel able to answer any other posts tonight.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm so glad you went today - i didn't realise till i came home you were in falmer today!! I bet it was breezy there, it's quite exposed isn't it - I worked up there some years ago...<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 01 April 2006 : 20:34:15</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes... very breezy. The workshops are usually held in a hotel in Hove but because there were more people enrolled this time it is being held at Brighton uni. We hardly saw the sun as there were only tiny windows almost at ceiling height in the room and it was cold.
Piglet: Thanks for the hug. I don't think I am being harder on myself than I deserve. I feel like I have slipped back so far from where I was a couple of weeks ago and I am the one to blame.
Going to medicate myself to get some sleep soon I think. I only had a couple of hours sleep last night so I am tired anyway and have another early morning tomorrow.
Thank you both for your support and sorry to be so negative.
Karen xx
((((((KAREN))))))
YOU DO NOT DESERVE ANYONE BEING BEING HARD ON YOU AT ALL!!!
Sorry I really shouldn't shout[:I][:I]
You are doing really well and working really hard on lots of issues and deserve hugs, hugs and more hugs!!
I hope you manage to get some sleep and try to be kind to yourself and proud of all that you have done over the last few weeks....:D
Nite nite
loads of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
<center>(((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))))))</center>
HERE'S A BIG HUG - IF THERE IS ANY SHOUTING GOING ON THEN I WANT TO BE PART OF IT!!!!
Cor we been drinkin Fee???
Nightie night :D
Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you Fee and Piglet.
Just taken my sleeping pills and am going to try to get some sleep.
Got delayed sorting out moderator duties on my other forum but I'm going to call it a night now. Need some respite from feeling like this.
I appreciate your support so much.
Karen xx
Hannahlou84
01-04-06, 22:33
Sorry. I am feeling rather useless, and don't want to say the wrong thing- just want to let you know I am thinking of you.
And I hope tomorrow is brighter/clearer for you.
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
(((((((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))))
I also agree that you are being way too hard on yourself and there is no need to apologise for anything. You have been achieving so much, it will take time for everything to get easier. You are doing so well with the social phobia and going over your past, in fact with everything. The eating part may be the hardest bit to conquer but you will in time. Just try and be more kind and patient with yourself, there is no need to beat yourself up over this.
I hope you get a good nights sleep and have a good day tomorrow.
Thinking of you sis.
Love and more hugs,
Lisa x
I agree with all that has been said. You WILL get there Karen, even if it seems too hard at the moment. Anything is possible and you will do it.
Please don't be too hard on yourself.
Hope you manage to get some sleep and feel a little better for it in the morning.
Tammy x
Morning all and thanks so much for all the lovely messages.
I did sleep better last night thanks to the extra sleeping pill [Oops!]. I do try to keep to the prescribed dose but I just needed time out and sleep was the only way to get it.
The only thing is I dreamt an awful lot with some not very nice dreams at all. Most of them were associated with food/eating in some way which I suppose is to be expected. And in others I dreamt about being bullied by Dad and rejected by my family. I guess all the stuff I am working on in counselling is playing on my mind and with the way I am feeling about eating and my weight, I am just feeling very out of control and in a state about it all.
I've woken with a headache and I am still tired but plan to go to the second day of the workshop today. At least it is better than being alone because I'd probably just spend the day in bed.
Just feel so so exhausted and sore (still) and have another early morning tomorrow too as I have to get to the garage to take my car for a service and collect the loan car before getting to the clinic by 10.00. Unfortunately the garage and clinic are in completely different directions and means getting through the worst traffic jams at that time of the morning.
Might be on here more today as there are more exercises that I don't take part in. This helps to occupy those times so I don't sit there feeling like a right lemon[8)].
Hope you all have a good day.
Karen xx
Morning Karen
Glad to hear you did sleep better at least... it's exhausting all the dreaming isn't it. But it sounds like your sub-conscious is processing all this really difficult stuff - which might be good...
Well done for getting up and going to the course, that's brilliant. I hope you enjoy what you do - I'm sure it all helps....
It's bright and breezy again - at least that makes the drive pleasant - it takes about an hour doesn't it? It used to when I went to Bexhill when mum was there. I got SO sick of that drive!! At the moment I couldn't even do it! it's great that you can and do.
Hope you feel better as the day goes on,
loads and loads of love xxxxxxxxxxx
Aunty Fee
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Glad you got some sleep mate despite the dreams.
Have a lovely day today :D
See ya later.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
I hope today is going well.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hope you've had a good day Karen, thinking of you.
Lisa x
Thank you for the messages. It has been a strange day, starting really badly but got better this afternoon.
I felt really very low when I arrived at the workshop this morning. I was there early and so was using my laptop. When Jill arrived she came over and asked me not to use it except during the breaks because it was off-putting yesterday. I felt apologised but felt upset and like I was being told off. I was sitting right at the back away from everyone and thought it would be ok.
So I turned my laptop off and just about got through the first talk holding myself together, but had to make a dash for the toilets when the first exercise started as I felt on the verge of tears and didn't want anyone to see.
I stayed there for a while and thought I had managed to calm myself down and avoid actually crying but when I went back in Jill came over to ask what was wrong and if I was having a bad day. I said I've had a bad week. She said it would help if I interacted with the others a bit and "we can't have you like this here". That really started me off because I felt bad for being there and thought maybe I should've stayed away.
After that I wanted to make a run for the toilet again but didn't want to disrupt anyone as the next talk had started, so I was struggling to stifle tears and to pull myself together.
At the break Jill introduced one of the new tutors they have taken on who did the Diploma course last year and asked whether I'd let him do the anchoring hypnosis on me - which was the next exercise. It probably was a bit of a turning point because the hypnosis did help me calm down a bit and Jill clearly saw I was in need of it.
Fee: The dreaming is a sign of the damage really that going over and over talking about my past is doing. I had a talk with Jill about the kind of therapy I'm getting at present and she doesn't think it is going to help, and has probably been contributing to making me feel worse. It doesn't help to keep going over and over the same painful memories when it doesn't lead to strategies for change in the present.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It takes about an hour doesn't it? It used to when I went to Bexhill when mum was there. I got SO sick of that drive!! At the moment I couldn't even do it! it's great that you can and do.<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 02 April 2006 : 09:34:56</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It takes about 45 minutes from where I am but it could be longer from the eastern end of town. You will be able to do that drive again - you'll be able to come and visit me then!!
Thank you Lisa and Piglet for your support.
From lunchtime and this afternoon things improved. In fact, I rarely do this but am going to post a success story!
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
[Wow!] What a fantastic day, well done, I am so proud of you and if anyone deserves a success story post it is you sis :D[Yeah!].
You did so well to cope under those circumstance and really turned the day around. I don't know how but I had a feeling that you were doing well today.
Big (((hugs)))
Love,
Lisa x
WELL DONE KAREN!!
That must have been really hard staying with it when you felt so rotten but it was worth it!!! [8D] I'm so pleased and that the hypnosis helped - I've tried it a couple of times but it makes me panic...[:I] Control freak, me... Will try again soon I think, because I am changing!
I understand about the therapy you are having, I have experienced that in the past, constantly raking over can be a negative thing - but sometimes you turn up something new that is useful, or see something in a different way. I always thing it is low-value though!! A lot of grief and hard work for very little return for some of us!
Gosh it's hard to imagine myself driving to you but what a good goal!!! Trouble is would you be able to get me to drive back home again lol!!! Still property is cheaper there lollol!!!!
Looking forward to Friday hun:D:D:D
Loads and loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Lisa
Thanks sis. I definitely wasn't doing well this morning and know I was probably being over sensitive with what Jill said. She does care and has helped me, particularly today.
Hi Fee
I suppose we all find different things that help. I find hypnosis very relaxing but it needs to be with the right therapist. Have you thought of trying hypnosis CDs or downloads first? There are some good ones here (http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/).
This kind of therapy I am having encourages rumination without providing help to make changes. I think the trouble is that I have learnt so much in the past couple of years about what kind of therapy is helpful and what isn't that I know this approach is going to make me worse. As Jill said today - I don't need any encouragement to ruminate as I'm quite capable of doing that by myself.
All that is happening at present is that I am being encouraged to relive these painful experiences and then coming home and not being able to stop thinking about them or feeling the painful emotions. The bad dreams have only started again since the counselling started.
Jill said to let her know if she can help and she will write to my counsellor at the clinic and suggest the kind of therapy (ie solution-focused) that is more likely to help. I'll see how things go this week but if nothing changes I think I'll take her up on her offer.
Don't worry - I don't expect you to be able to drive here straight away but maybe I can help by us gradually meeting a bit further this way at a pace you feel happy with.
Looking forward to Friday too!
Karen xx
I totally agree with Jill about the ruminating!!! It's no flipping good picking a scab off and just letting the wound fester is there.
You turned the day around today and that's something to hold on to - time and time again I have found a bad morning doesn't mean a bad rest of the day.
You can have a casualty hug now :D:D
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Hope that casualty hug didn't hurt your bruises, Lol.
I hope Jill writing to the clinic helps you get the therapy you need.
I also hope you sleep well tonight and have a good day at the clinic tomorrow.
Night sis,
Love Lisa x
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I totally agree with Jill about the ruminating!!! It's no flipping good picking a scab off and just letting the wound fester is there.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 02 April 2006 : 22:17:20</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes exactly and that's my concern about the counselling I am currently having. It is encouraging me to ruminate about painful memories with no solution and I think this is a factor in why I have been struggling so much again.
Thanks for the casualty hug. I actually think I must have bruised my ribs, shouder and upper back when I fell as these areas are getting more sore.
Hi Lisa
I am waiting to see if my doctor managed to speak to Becky and what happens in the next couple of days. If nothing happens I will email Jill and take up her offer to contact them on my behalf. When I try to question my treatment they tell me I am trying to avoid dealing with my problems or that it is part of my illness.
Jill actually said I know more about the kind of therapy and treatment likely to help than they do at the clinic! That's a compliment coming from an experienced therapist!
Night sis.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope your doctor has got hold of Becky and can explain things to her. Kind of Jill to offer to help too, shows how many people care about you doesn't it :).
Jill is right though, I also think you know what sort of help you need, Becky (or whoever said it) is very wrong by saying you questioning treatment there is you avoiding things and part of the illness, so wrong in my opinion. You are actively seeking things you know will help you.
Night sis,
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa. That means a lot to me.
I don't think I am avoiding either and I do feel offended when they question my motives for saying what is and isn't helping. I know I have avoided dealing with my problems in the past but now I am trying to do everything I can to be proactive and to find a way to get better.
K said in a message the other day that the actions I am taking show I am being proactive and she would soon tell me if she thinks I am being irrational or delusional again!
I am so lucky to have so many people who care about me and are supporting me. I doubt my doctor will have had any luck getting through to Becky as she doesn't seem to be there much during the week. I'll have to wait and see though.
Must get to bed as another very early start tomorrow.
Night sis.
Karen xx
Hi sis,
I agree with K too, you are definitely being proactive.
I shoud go to bed soon too, although half of me wants to stay up really late so that I sleep in later tomorrow and have less time to worry in the morning.
Sleep well and if you have any dreams tonight may they all be lovely ones.
Night,
Lisa x
Aww thanks sis.
I can understand about wanting to sleep in tomorrow morning because that's how I tend to deal with things too.
Must tear myself away from here now or I'll be so tired tomorrow!
Karen xx
Go to bed sis! Lol I don't want you turning into a pumpkin at midnight! [:O].
Seriously though, sleep well, sweet dreams.
Lisa x
Gosh you are doing so well Karen... I totally agree you are not avoiding but being extremely pro-active and I reckon you will get what you need if you carry on like this!
I hope you are sleeping well - you'll be getting up soon - I hope I will be asleep then!!
Good luck for today hun
Nite xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hannahlou84
03-04-06, 09:50
Have just had a five min break from my brother and have been able to catch up!!
Well done, Karen, you are doing so so well.
Let's hope your doctor/Jill/combination of the two help get this bit sorted for you.
Really proud of you!
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Thank you all.
Lisa: Don't worry! I didn't turn into a pumpkin but didn't sleep till about 1am either and I am tired today [|)].
Fee: Couldn't you sleep??? Thanks for your support.
Hannah: Thanks. I am not holding out much hope really that things here will change.
Just been told that no group will start until 11am again and I could've not rushed to take my car in and get over here for 10am.
Some kind of dread descends on me when I come here, because the obsessive thoughts about food are back and it's not even 10am yet. Every day is a struggle and I am constantly scared of giving in and bingeing.
Sat here all alone as usual. Apart from an hour when we have a group, I seem to be spending more and more time alone. Might as well be at home really.
Jill suggested yesterday that being here isn't doing a lot for me and the longer time passes, the more inclined I am to agree with her. But I don't know what the alternative is. I need some help - even if Jill says I have made most of my current improvements myself.
This is just so frustrating and not what I had hoped for at all. In quite a lot of pain with my ribs and shoulder today.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Just wanted to send a big (((hug))) and say I'm thinking of you today.
Love Lisa x
Hi Karen
Just wanted to say I hope you're ok - thinking of you...
Loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Fee and Lisa. I really appreciate your support when you both have your own difficult situations to face this afternoon.
I am having such a hard day today. I feel emotional and like I am about to cry at any minute. I don't want to do that or show how I am feeling. I was my own this morning for 2 hours and there just seems little point being here.
Lunch was incredibly difficult and it is getting harder all the time. There was someone new sitting at the lunch table and she kept asking questions about why I was eating my own lunch and not eating food here, and also making comments about how long it was taking me to eat my sandwich.
I just wanted to get up and run away. I wanted to escape. I'm already feeling so fat and like I shouldn't eat. Feeling upset and distressed again. I don't need this and don't want to eat.
It is getting harder being here. Am on my own now again until 2.30 when they are going to put on a relaxation tape. Might as well be at home.
Karen xx
hey karen!!
Sorry to here your not doing so good today!!
Huge hug!!!
I would have hit that girl, but thats me!!! just shows how strong you are sitting there and putting on a brave front!!!
Try not to be upset- i know this is easy said!!!- u have up and down days- u know it will get better!! and im here to write endless babble to you wen ur feelin not to good!!! Feel better hun
Ammegxxx
Thanks Ammeg. Talking nonsense is fine [^].
I don't say anything to people even if they upset me. I just take it and get upset.
Am expecting a major bill for my car too after a call from the garage [Sigh...].
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
I do wish they wouldn't keep leaving you on your own to just twiddle your thumbs - it's very obvious that you do better in company (I know this was initially hard and still can be but it does seem to be helping)!!!
Why are you on your own at these times and where is everybody else???
I was very pleased to read about your doctor speaking to Becky so hope she does manage to and also Jill offering too.
Big hugs
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen
Thinking of you re the car business etc. Hope the rest of your day has'nt been to bad.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Bloomin heck karen - you keep coping with things so well but they are testing you aren't they!! You could have rung me you know!!!:D
I hope the rest of the day improves hun
loads and loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
I hope this afternoon is going better than this morning. Sounds like you coped really well at lunch. What that girl said was insensitive, she should realise that people at the clinic have problems with eating of some sort! But whatever she said that's her problem not yours, you know you are making progress and what she says matters not one bit. I know it's easy to say though and upsetting at the time.
It does seem silly you are left there alone alot and not much is happening, where is Anna, is she part of the EDU group?
I hope the car is not too expensive.
Thinking of you sis,
Love and big hugs.
Lisa x
Thank you all so much.
Well the afternoon went downhill really and it is becoming obvious that no one there has the slightest idea what they are doing when it comes to providing specialist eating disorder help.
Piglet - I am left alone because of the way they have things set up now. The EDU is for patients with a BMI of 18 and under - which includes all the other eating disorder patients except me. Whilst I am not banned from going up there if I want, it is not a very good environment for me to be in a lunch times etc because I struggle enough as it is and seeing people eating less makes things worse.
Also the patients on the EDU are watched all the time by at least two members of staff and it is a really uncomfortable atmosphere up there.
Other patients at the clinic are either on the mother and baby unit - which again is treated as a separate unit and those patients are only around in the dining room for lunch and then go back to the unit again. There is only one other patient I know of and she spends her time in her room or in the smoking room - and there is no way I could go in there as the smoky atmosphere would affect me.
I don't think my doctor has managed to get through to Becky. I asked first thing this morning if I could have a quick word with her at some time today but she left without talking to me.
Alex: My car has just cost me a fortune - £600 to be precise [:O]. The perfect end to a bad day.
Fee: Thanks Aunty.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You could have rung me you know!!!:D<div align="right">Originally posted by feege - 03 April 2006 : 14:39:48</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I appreciate that and may do another time but thought you had enough on your plate today. At least I had the internet until my laptop battery ran out of charge. I need to get a spare.
Lisa: Anna has to stay up in the EDU now because of this BMI cut-off rule.
Basically things are falling apart. These rules came in basically because two patients were breaking rules and were purging after eating and disposing of food.
This morning's hold up was apparently due to room searches after some kinds of pills - laxatives I think - were found in one of their rooms.
Just after I lost battery power on my laptop, everyone was sent to the main lounge while further searches were conducted upstairs and we were watched by some of the nursing staff and not allowed to leave the room.
An emergency staff meeting was also called and things could well have changed again completely by the time I go back there tomorrow. Anna told me that Annie has basically done a runner since it all started falling apart and hasn't been seen in over a week now when she is supposed to be running the eating disorder programme. It also transpires that she is not a specialist in treating people with eating disorders and has in fact only attended one course.
The whole thing is in disarray and I know I am not the only one who feels eating problems have been worse since attending there. I am at a loss of what to do. I spend most of the day alone and waiting for something to happen. We had a one hour session on anxiety symptoms and effects this morning and we have only just covered this in the CBT group [Sigh...]. What is the point?
But if I stop attending the clinic what then? What options do I have? None it seems :(.
Karen xx
There are always options Karen.
Don't lose hope. You have come through this before and you will again.
I wish I could offer you some real advice but as you know it is impossible to understand completely if you have never suffered. Just wanted to let you know I do keep thinking of you and do read your progress everyday even if I say nothing.
Hope you find a solution to your problems at the clinic or that it ends up working itself out.
Take care.
Tammy x
Thank you Tammy for replying. I don't expect anyone to be able to give me the answers and I know I need specialist help. I guess I am just feeling frustrated because I thought I would be getting specialist help at this clinic but it's just not happening.
Both my doctor and Jill (my therapist) agree that things there are not ideal and I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. I keep telling staff there what my main problem behaviours are and what I would like some help with but get ignored and instead am encouraged to talk about the past, which leads to rumination, which further increases depression. This is not the right thing to do for someone who is depressed and I've had no helpful advice or suggestions to deal with the most pressing problems with my eating disorder.
Anna and I were talking today and said we could probably do a better job between ourselves of helping each other than we are getting from the staff at present.
Feel really disgusted and hate myself tonight because I've binged and purged again. Can't cope with this alone and yet get worse after I've been at the clinic.
Now I can't even go to bed and sleep because I am waiting for the ill effects of the laxatives to kick in. I feel such a failure again.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Big (((hug))) sis. You are not a failure ok, you are just coping in the only way you know how, don't beat yourself up. You have had to deal with so much, all these thoughts being dragged up and emotions from the past, yet no way of dealing with it all apart from your own coping mechanisms. It sounds like it's been a pretty awful day at the clinic, you did well to cope with that at all, must have been awful. Sounds like something out of a film being held in one room while places are searched [:O] It's a shock about Annie too although now maybe this explains her approach and attitude i.e she didn't really know what she was doing.
I really do hope things settle down and improve there soon, it would be unsettling for anyone to deal with all this. Being alone all day doesn't help either I'm sure.
Ouch at the car bill too!
I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. I hope tomorrow is a better day at the clinic, I really do.
Thinking of you.
Night,
Love Lisa x
No, you are not a failure. You have picked yourself up so many times and got on with things, this is not the behaviour of someone who is a failure.
I understand your frustration given the situation. It's a shame you keep asking for the help but nothing seems to be being done. All I can say is just keep trying. And keep talking to Anna, I really think you're onto something there. Sharing your experiences and helping each other might be the best way to go for now.
Hope things look a little brighter in the morning.
Tammy x
((((((KAREN))))))
Oh I could swear. YOU are not the failure in all this and how right you are that you could run the place better and always remember one day you probably will!!
I'm sorry hun I'm so exhausted tonight I can't think clearly so will have to catch up properly tomorrow... but please be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up?
Loads and loads of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Once again I don't know what I would do without the support of my friends here.
I do feel so ashamed about bingeing and purging again though because the only person I am hurting is myself really. I am gaining weight when I want to lose weight and either tonight or in the morning I am going to be very ill due to the number of laxatives I've taken [xx(]. I've not taken this many before.
Lisa: It was pretty extreme there today. Anna told me there were searching absolutely everywhere upstairs, even going as far as taking carpets up [:O]. I don't know what I will be walking into tomorrow.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It's a shock about Annie too although now maybe this explains her approach and attitude i.e she didn't really know what she was doing.<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 03 April 2006 : 21:58:41</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes it does. I don't know how it has been allowed to get this bad. It is definitely nothing like the picture their website presents.
Tammy: I wouldn't mind if I had been hiding what I'm doing and trying to deny it but I've actually been telling them and apart from having a major breakdown and begging for help I don't know what else to do.
I rarely get to see Anna anymore, let alone talk to her. I now feel more of an outsider and like I don't belong than ever, when I was forming friendships and gaining benefit from being able to give and receive support from other patients.
Fee: Thanks aunty. I understand you are exhausted and I appreciate you stopping by to post.
Mostly the situation seems to have fallen apart since one particular patient arrived under section and I really don't believe they are equipped to deal with someone in this situation. A lot of the new rules and restrictions were put in place because of things this particular person was doing but this is having an impact on the rest of us.
I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about how much worse I am getting.
Karen xx
I have tried so hard not to do this but I am in such a state tonight and am now obsessing and feeling upset that I've not heard from K :(.
This sums up that I am a FAILURE [Sigh...]
Right sis first things first a nice big (((hug)))
You are NOT a failure in any way ok, definitely not. It is only you that is thinking that and interpreting things this way, that doesn't make it true.
Stop being so hard on yourself, we're all allowed to have setbacks, blips, make mistakes or whatever, it normal and it will happen from time to time. I was reading my CBT book yesterday and it was talking about putting unreal pressure and expectations on ourselves and how it doesn't help. Today is today and today is how it is, nothing more nothing less. Things can and will be better, maybe tomorrow who knows. You are not getting worse, you are having a bad time. Be kind to yourself and try and accept it for what it is. You've coped with feeling like this in the past and moved forward again, this time will be no different.
I don't even want to think about the number of laxatives you took [:O]
I hope you're not too ill later. Again though, don't beat yourself up for resorting to your old coping mechanisms when things get tough, you have coped like this for a long time and it's normal that you still will in hard times. This is why you need help to deal with things, so you find better ways to cope. You're not getting that help but you have tried to get help, it's not your fault no one listens at the clinic. You are coping the only way you know.
You have had a hard day, I would have struggled to cope with what happened there today, it sounds awful.
It's no crime to be missing K today, you've had a tough day and it's natural that we want to hear from people we care about when we are down. You have done so well regarding K, but like everything else this will be easier or harder at certain times too.
You are strong Karen, you can cope and you will get through this. I know the clinic problems must be so hard and unsettling.
Try and think of nice things to look forward to like seeing Fee on Friday.
Right must stop there as my hand and shoulder have just started aching again.
I'm here for you sis and thinking of you. I really hope you get some sleep and are not too ill.
Love and huge hugs,
Love Lisa x
Thank you sis, particularly for the hug. I'm not sure when I'll get to sleep as I am just starting to feel the stomach cramps beginning and think I may well be up half the night now. My own fault though as no one forced me to take laxatives, or the number I have taken.
I am beating myself up for what I see as going backwards but I'm also incredibly frustrated and at a loss to know what to do next. I am asking for help from the people who are meant to specialise in helping with this kind of thing, but I feel like I have my whole life really - like no one is listening (at the clinic, not here).
Just feel upset with myself for missing K when I have been doing so much better in handling the obsession. This is the first time in a while that I've felt so distressed without her.
No more typing for you tonight then if your arm is hurting! Night sis.
Karen xx
Last one tonight sis, then off to rest my arm and hopefully get to bed earlier in case I decide to go to work.
You don't need to feel bad about being distressed about K, the feeling will pass as you feel better again. Just try and accept that this is how you feel right now.
You're not going backwards, just a sideways blip if anything. We all take steps forwards and backwards as we progress, not all progress is smooth, but you are still consistently making steps forwards in many areas.
I do understand your frustration at the clinic and not getting the help you need, I really wish you could get the help you have been asking for. I don't know what to suggest there. I just hope after this shake up in the clinic, and the fact that a new financial year has started, that things may finally start to improve there.
Night sis, here's another (((hug)))
I really hope you're not too ill and get some sleep. Thinking of you.
Love Lisa x
Hi Karen
Oh I feel so angry with that place... you are doing so well just to even be able to rationalise the issues that have gone on there. No wonder you feel so rotten and have resorted to old behaviours but it is SO SO not your fault - you have been horribly let down. I can only hope that there is somewhere else you can get support from. Jill, your doctor and the dietician are all behind you as are we all here.....
Blaming yourself is like me blaming myself for being ill after my endoscopy. I trusted them and they made things worse. I think we are going to have to hold hands again and trust that we can get through this and make ourselves better..... because we CAN! We can be kind to ourselves and proud of how well we have coped with what has been thrown at us even though right now I feel a failure too in a way.... we are not failures at all we are just ploughing on trying to get the help and support we need.....
I hope you are managing to sleep now - I am going to have to take a tablet again and I am so fed up with it. But it will get better.
I am thinking of you hun
Loads and loads of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Lisa
I wish I could say this will be the last one for me and really it should as I did take my sleeping pill but am not able to stay in bed long enough to fall asleep.
I get what you are saying about K. I just hope I haven't ruined everything because she felt I was doing so well we've got as far as discussing dates in July when it would be possible to meet. I never thought I'd get to the stage when she is suggesting meeting and don't want to ruin it now.
Yes, I keep hoping these shake ups will eventually lead to a plan of action that actually works but so far nothing. I think they need to employ more specially trained staff.
Thanks for the hug sis. I hope I get some sleep too eventually but this is self-inficted.
Karen xx
Hi Fee
Thanks for replying aunty when I know you are not feeling good yourself.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">No wonder you feel so rotten and have resorted to old behaviours but it is SO SO not your fault - you have been horribly let down. I can only hope that there is somewhere else you can get support from. Jill, your doctor and the dietician are all behind you as are we all here.....</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I keep hoping each time I go that this time they will have got things sorted but it seems to be in more chaos each time. I know they are busy but being told that my BMI is nothing and it is good that it's normal does not help. I can't hold onto that rationalisation because it is so far against the direction I am being pulled in.
Holding hands again sounds good, as well as more group hugs.
Night Fee and I hope your pain has eased.
Karen xx
Morning Karen
I hope you feel ok this morning and you managed to get some sleep.
It's another day, let's hope this one is a better one - you really deserve it you really really do:D
What's going on at that clinic would be funny if it were not so bloody serious - it sounds like a sit com. I know the NHS is depleted and resources for people with eating disorders are grossly under funded but they are constantly talking about them in the media - I think someone needs to make a documentary about this - it's ludicrous. I really really hope that you can see that this is why you are struggling - YOU are doing really well and have taken every shred of help you can get and been as pro-active as you can possibly be. Because of that I KNOW you can recover and surely this place must get sorted out. I hate to see such injustice - you deserve so much support and have been so brave and honest and strong.
There are so many people who have these kind of disorders someting must be done about the services...
Sorry hun, rant over!!! I wish I had the energy to do something about it!! I'd like to start a campaign, write an article etc.!!!!
I hope you can look at the facts - and how well you yourself have done, mostly by and for yourself and can build on that and not beat yourself up... Your strength, kindness, empathy and intelligence shine out of every post here, your own threads and your posts to other people and I truly believe that you will end up being able to help others in similar positions - well you already do on-line, but I think one day you will do much much more....
For now, hun just hang in there and do everything you can to take care of yourself.
I am really looking forward to meeting you on Friday - let's hope we are both feeling better!!:D:D:D
Loads and loads of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Morning Fee
Aww thanks so so much for your post. You really don't know how much that means to me. I spent most of last night - in between trips to the toilet [xx(] - wondering what I have done wrong this time for another treatment option not to be working.
I have been blaming myself. Many people would love the opportunity to go for day care and I know I am always moaning and complaining about what isn't happening and how I feel worse. There have been times in the past, like with the local CMHT, when I didn't work with them because I felt too scared to and don't trust them. But I have tried to make use of every opportunity here but I feel back at square one.
I only had 2 hours sleep at the most and I feel dreadful this morning as I still have stomach cramps and am still running to the toilet. I now don't want to eat again and in fact am terrified of eating. The situation there means I am thinking of any possible way to avoid being there at lunchtime because I just can't go on like this.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">What's going on at that clinic would be funny if it were not so bloody serious - it sounds like a sit com.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Very true - it would. K said the other day that all the dramas happening there should be recorded in a book!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know the NHS is depleted and resources for people with eating disorders are grossly under funded but they are constantly talking about them in the media - I think someone needs to make a documentary about this - it's ludicrous.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
The thing is that this is a private clinic, even though I am funded through the NHS. I thought things would be better here and they certainly get pain enough for basically not doing very much apart from supervising meal times.
[quote]I really really hope that you can see that this is why you are struggling.[quote]
I try to Fee but I just feel like a failure again and wonder whether things will ever be any different. I actively want to return to anorexic behaviours now because I just can't handle what is happening and how out of control this is causing me to feel. If I stop eating, I am in control of that.
Looking forward to meeting on Friday too. Lets hope we are both better.
I think what is happening here would make a good article. I wish I had all the facts of what is happening upstairs because then I'd have the full story. At present I don't have enough facts.
Thanks Aunty Fee. Hope you have a better day too.
Karen xx
Oh this is so disapointing - you are trying soooo hard!!!
Just plod on a little longer mate it's better than nothing (just)!!!
Wait and see what the developments are today and if your doctor has managed to get through yet.
Biggest hugs you are doing you're best we all know that and inspite of how you felt yeseterday there are still little gems of progress that are being achieved. The day in Brighton for one!!!!!:D:D:D
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Sorry you had such a bad night, you must be exhausted. I hope you're feeling a bit better now.
I really hope things are better at the clinic today, I really do. It makes me so cross to see how hard you are trying and then to hear that you are not getting the help you need and deserve.
Thinking of you today,
Big (((hugs))) and a group (((hug))) too.
Lisa x
Thank you Piglet and Lisa.
Had a really rough morning, still feeling ill after last night and feeling very low.
Group CBT was ok today but didn't feel able to contribute or get involved. I am becoming more withdrawn again since we've been split up like this because often there is no one to talk to even if I wanted to chat.
I didn't take my laptop today and really missed it which is not a good sign. I don't want to become totally dependent again like I was at one time. Someone mentioned I'd been 'hiding' behind my laptop when in reality it is often the only form of communication open to me.
We had our regular group outing to the local path lab for blood tests today. The highlight of the day [Sigh...].
I didn't eat lunch despite attempts by one member of staff to persuade me to eat something. I just didn't feel able to eat.
Julia said it has been obvious that I have been finding things increasingly difficult, particularly after I didn't eat at lunchtime - which has been reported back to her. She said they didn't realise I was struggling so much with the food issues. I admit not saying anything to anyone apart from Becky before - but I had raised this over a week ago with Becky and if anyone bothered to read my food record diary sheets they would also see my struggles.
I'll miss my appointment with Becky this week as I have to go to the hospital for a pre-admission check.
I have eaten tonight. I didn't want to really and feel I have eaten too much but I didn't stop off to buy binge foods and I suppose what I've actually eaten isn't high calorie. But I still want to lose all of this weight and I told Julia about this.
Am so tired tonight but have nothing on tomorrow so can spend the whole day in bed and probably will.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Well done for coping with another hard day, especially when not feeling so good. It seems the day improved again after the morning. It is a shame you are left alone so much though.
I'm so pleased you were able to talk about your current issues with Julia and that she listened, that's great and well done for discussing it all. I hope her speaking to Becky does some good.
Well done for eating tonight too, that's great.
I really hope you sleep better tonight, but as you say you can at least have a restful day tomorrow.
Night sis,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa
I am exhausted tonight but it is too early to sleep yet or I will be awake far too early tomorrow.
I too hope Julia can speak to Becky and my next session with her will be better. Not sure when this will be now though.
Now have tummy pains again after eating. Think I've had too much fruit tonight.
My ribs are so sore too after my fall last week. Seem to be getting worse rather than better.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Those ribs sound painful, hope they feel better soon, and the tummy. I often eat alot of fruit, my nutritionist has said 3 pieces a day maximum for me at the moment, I normally eat at least 5 sometimes more!
I too really hope Julia speaking to Becky helps, and your gp speaking to her may help too.
I really should not be here typing, my back was feeling a bit easier after the chiropractor but is tightening again now [Oops!] I will learn one day!
I do hope you sleep well tonight and feel better tomorrow.
Thinking fo you sis,
Hugs,
Nighty night,
Lisa x
Hi Karen
I'm so glad things improved for you today - you really have done so well... oh I'm so tired I can barely write!
Ribs do that by the way - i bruised mine once and they got worse before they got better as the bruising came out - I hope it settles soon hun - and your tum too.
WELL DONE for eating - that is fantastic! [8D][8D][8D]
Sleep well tonight
loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks for replying Lisa when really you need to be resting.
Need to try and forget about it all until Thursday now but am instead thinking about K [Sigh...].
Yes, my ribs do hurt and it's a bit strange that this is worse.
I shouldn't be eating anything - not even fruit. Feel like I have let myself down again.
Night sis.
Karen xx
Hi Fee
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">oh I'm so tired I can barely write!
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Me too [|)] but I am waiting up to see whether K writes or not.
Not really worried about the rib pain and in fact it helps distract from other things.
Night Aunty Fee.
Karen xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I shouldn't be eating anything - not even fruit. Feel like I have let myself down again.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 04 April 2006 : 22:24:34</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
You should be eating and have done well to eat today, which is a success not a failure or letting yourself down.
Hope you're fast sleep now,
Night,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hope you're fast sleep now,
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 04 April 2006 : 23:13:57</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Unfortunately not.
Am obsessing that K doesn't like me or want to reply now :(.
Karen xx
Hi Sis,
Just came to turn pc off as going to bed now and saw this post.
You know that what you just said is not true, you also know that K does like you, she wouldn't be suggesting meeting you if she didn't would she. You also know she doesn't always reply every day, this is likely to be as she is busy or asleep even, but certainly not because she doesn't like you or because she doesn't want to.
In the meantime you'll have to make do with a mad sis who keeps replying to you [:o)]. I do understand it's not the same though.
Try and see if you can get some rest/sleep soon.
Thinking of you.
Night,
Lisa x
Thank you for your reply sis.
I feel bad because now I am obsessing about K and I had been doing so well at controlling this. Also this is the second day now and with other circumstances I was sure I'd hear from her tonight and so I am feeling very upset :(.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">In the meantime you'll have to make do with a mad sis who keeps replying to you [:o)]. I do understand it's not the same though.
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Aww you're not mad and it does mean a lot that you keep replying to your neurotic older sis!
I am afraid I have to admit to taking laxatives again tonight as a form of self-punishment [B)]. Have now just taken some sleeping pills to escape from this horrible reality that I can't deal with. I hope I sleep for hours now.
Night sis.
Karen xx
I've woken far too early because of stomach cramps and diarrhoea following the laxatives I took last night. Just want to crash out today and sleep so I can avoid this emotional trauma. Don't want to feel anything.
If I stay in bed and sleep then I can't eat either.
Not handling anything very well and I am a failure. I can't stop obsessing about food and be scared of bingeing and sleep is the only way to escape that. And now I am back to obsessing about K when I thought I was doing so well and had that under control.
Now I expect our planned meeting for July won't happen and I don't want her to see me while I am looking so repulsively fat anyway.
My whole life is hopeless and pointless.
Karen
oh karen!!
Your not a failure hun!!! dont be down!!! You are still doing well and you know better than anyone that some days are harder than others!!! Your doing sooooooo well- dont give up hun!!! i know its hard but you will get through this- and we are all here to help as much as we can!! hope your day has improved!!!
Huge hugs!
Ammegxxxx
Hi Karen,
Big (((hugs))) sis. THinking of you. Hope the tummy has settled and you get some more sleep.
You are not a failure and your life is not hopeless or meaningless. You're having a hard time but these things are not true. I know it's hard for you again right now and I wish I could help more or suggest something to help. Try and focus on all that you have achieved recently, even have a look through your inspiration book.
There is no reason that you can't still meet K in July. I know you were doing well regarding K, but it's only natural that you will want to hear from her more when you're struggling. Don't beat yourself up over any of this.
I hope you feel better later,
Love and more hugs,
Lisa x
Thank you Ammeg and Lisa
I do feel like I am failing - with controlling food and with obsessing about K (although there is more involved in that than I can say).
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">There is no reason that you can't still meet K in July. I know you were doing well regarding K, but it's only natural that you will want to hear from her more when you're struggling. Don't beat yourself up over any of this.<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 05 April 2006 : 12:16:27</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
She might decide it's not a good idea if she thinks I am still too obsessive and hasn't come back to me about the suggested possible date.
My tummy is still dodgy and I've been bingeing again [:I].
I want to get that control back.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
You're not failing sis, just coping the only way you know while you're having a bad time. Don't beat yourself up over it.
I'm sure K will still want to meet, she didn't say you had to be completely recovered did she, and it was her who suggested meeting. She will also realise and know that you will have good and bad days.
I'm pleased that you said on my post that you have realised that starving yourself doesn't help, that's brilliant news, well done.
Hope that tummy settles soon.
Thinking of you.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Pre admission check??? Have I missed a post there - have you got an admission date for the op then???
Had another busy day yesterday following my dentist stuff the day before, as I had my routine job centre appt which is a little easier in that now she knows about the anxiety I don't have to pretend anymore. However I did still feel rather crappy while I was there but not too bad after we came out.
Managed an hours shopping treating youngest piglet to some funky new bits and bobs - I felt determind to stay at the shops until the anxiety came down in the more normal ranges. Which it did do but never the less made small piglet and I walk the long way home to avoid some workmen!!!!!![:I][:I]
I had my nopanic course last night and we are all beginning to gel nicely. Its weird this teleconferencing malarky but getting used to it now. The only thing that was offputting was my next door neighbours (like second parents really) had family over and they were playing ball on our shared driveway and the ball was going in and out of my garden too so I kept getting bobbing heads going by the window.:D:D:D
I moved to the back of the house to find all and sundry lookin for lost balls in the back too ably assisted by my piglets who were trying to keep everybody quiet while mum does her 'course'!!!
Anyway we all had goals set for us this week and me and one other are going to spend time in our front gardens alone for a 5/10 mins each day until next week. Others have supermarkets or little bus journeys to do etc.
So I am off now to potter about and clean the windows etc!!!:D Front should be very neat and tidy by next week. Also loving the cd's I bought from them last week. The muscle relaxation one is very simple but very effective and now I have started doing the agoraphobia one which involves finger movements.
Can't pretend I 'get it' yet but weirdly without me consciously thinking about it the thumb on one hand responded and the finger on the other hand responed to give future yes and no responses !!! When I understand it more I let you know - meanwhile I am just going with the flow!!!
Big hugs
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet,
Wow, well done you! :D. You did well to do the shopping and the job centre, you're doing so well :D. I won't ask why you had to avoid workmen. I used to do that a bit, but that was when I was slim and they used to keep shouting out crude comments and wolf whistling, they don't even look up these days - but they should the 36D's are still worth a look! Lol [:I].
I'm glad the no panic course is going well, that's good, I hope it helps. Good luck with the front garden practice, we're here if you need any support along the way. Your Piglets sound like great kids, bless them for trying to keep the house quiet for you to do your course.
I'm very curious to hear about the finger movements in due course, intreging! I have a new muscle relaxation CD, still makes me 10 times more anxious! My ME therapist is going to TRY and teach me to do it at my next session, she'll have her work cut out as the CBT lady tried and said she could visibly see me getting wound up! Lol.
Love Lisa x
Hi Piglet
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Pre admission check??? Have I missed a post there - have you got an admission date for the op then???</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes for 20 April on the NHS in the end so I just hope there is a bed and I don't get cancelled on the day. Plus my GP was a bit concerned that my bloods might not be right so I hope everything is ok there too.
Well done for getting to the job centre and to the shops. That's brilliant mate!
Sounds like the course is going well. I hope it is a dry week next week if you have to spend time in the garden lol!
Glad the CDs are helpful.
Karen xx
Hi Lisa
Just feels like I fail each time I do this because then I do want to go to the other extreme and starve myself.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm sure K will still want to meet, she didn't say you had to be completely recovered did she, and it was her who suggested meeting. She will also realise and know that you will have good and bad days.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hmm well that was before I started obsessing again and she only said I didn't have to be fully recovered from my eating disorder. And she called me a 'nit' today [Duh!] She was joking and saying that my message was full of irrational thoughts again.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I'm pleased that you said on my post that you have realised that starving yourself doesn't help, that's brilliant news, well done.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I do know that but that's where my comfort zone is and when I felt most in control, so it is were I try to aim for each time I am struggling.
Still have tummy ache[xx(].
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Well I must be a "nit" too then as I have days where my thinking is irrational. I'm sure K realises there will be good and bad days, and doesn't expect you never to have bad days.
Hope that tummy feels better soon,
Hugs sis,
Lisa x
Karen hun - sorry I haven't got the energy to catch up properly at the moment.... I am thinking of you and still looking forward to seeing you on Friday...
Hope you are ok
Loads of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks Lisa and Fee.
Lisa - K didn't mean anything by it, just trying to lighten the situation and point out the irrational aspects of my messahe. However, I can't help the way I feel even if my thoughts are irrational.
God, just realised they'll do my weight at the check tomorrow and I don't want to know how much more I've gained :( [Sigh...].
Karen xx
Well now I am panicking about how much weight I have gained this week and how much junk I've eaten today.
I've just thrown the rest of it in the bin and covered it in bleach again because I am so pathetically weak that I'd carry on eating it otherwise even though I am stuffed and am not hungry.
Now I want to starve myself again in an attempt to lose weight but I know this swinging of bingeing and restricting is making things worse.
I am so fed up of feeling like this. I hate myself for eating and I often have thoughts of rather dying than staying this fat. I do know these are the irrational thoughts of my eating disorder but it is the way I feel.
I need to lose so much weight and really quickly. I don't want to be here alone anymore because that's when I binge but I've got no choice because I am alone. At the same time I don't want anyone to see me while I am so fat. I want to turn the clock back a year, or even 6 months when I felt much happier about my weight and better about myself for being in control and succeeding at something.
Now I just want to block it all out and I don't know how to cope or what to do. The specialist help from the clinic is not happening. K suggested looking for another clinic but there is nowhere else, or asking about the NHS day centre but that is a general clinic and I don't want to go there. In any case, the referral there was refused twice last year before I found this private clinic.
I just don't know how long I can go on like this. I hate myself more and more each day and I think I am getting worse rather than making progress.
How can I even gain confidence in socialising when all I want to do is hide away because I know I am so very fat? I am failing in everything.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hannahlou84
05-04-06, 21:20
Karen you aren't failing in everything- and you are doing so so well with the socialising despite how you feel about yourself and that speaks volumes.
Sorry that you have been feeling bad and bingeing- the sad thing is though, even if you aren't on your own you find ways around it if you're really set on doing it. El suggested to me that if I feel like eating (and eating lots) to sit there for 20 mins, or do something else for that time and then go back to it if I still feel the same (with her knowing that I wouldn't feel the same). It does actually work a lot of the time- delaying.
The other thing I haven't mastered yet is questioning why I want to binge- and maybe because you seem to have a greater understanding of your problem at some level, it might work a little- work on thinking about what you really want, realistically..
I wish I could say more to help- but all I can really say is that I do understand on some level how you feel, and you know as well as I do that there are good days and bad days, and you are having a few bad days atm- you are still making progress, however, even if you can't see it- and you will see it. I hope something is sorted at the clinic for you soon- I would try and stick with it though, as I can't imagine there is a lot else around, really- other than maybe trying a local EDU group? Have you considered that? Apparently the group therapy in those circumstances is helpful.
Take care,
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Karen,
Well I can understand how you feel to some extent. I have put on alot of weight recently and it makes me feel terrible about myself, ok so I am actually medically overweight but the feeling is the same for you even though you're not overweight. Hubby went to the shops and brought minstrels tonight, I was so wound up with the neighbours I ate some, now I feel fat and hate myself, so I know how the whole cycle works and how it makes you feel. I hate myself for giving in and eating it. I think most women can relate to all this to some extent, alot of us do it and alot of us turn to food when emotional in some way.
You are not fat, it's the eating disorder making you think that, your BMI is only just normal I think you said, I know anything over 18.5 is normal but most doctors don't recommend anyone has a BMI under 20.
I work with a lady of 25 who is very thin, she doesn't have an eating disorder exactly but sees herself as fat, she weights herself on the animal scales several times a day, before and after eating etc. Most people would love to look how she does i.e slim but not too skinny. It's all to do with how we feel inside and how we see ourselves and this can get very distorted in our minds.
You have put on weight in a relatively short period of time and instead of being able to see it as normal, you now see it as fat, where in fact I bet you're still very thin in reality. The dysmorphia you have won't just go away overnight unfortunately.
If you are trying to squueze into clothes that you wore when you were way too thin and anorexic, that will just make you feel fatter too. I would love to take you shopping and see how fantastic you really can look [:O] because I bet you do!
I so wish you were getting the right sort of help with all this, I really wish I could think of something that would help you.
I read an interesting article this week, it said that we often think we will feel better if we are thinner, the fact is we won't, we will be thinner and that's all, the emotional problems will still be there and our lives will still be the same. I so wish they could help you to cope with emotions without relating them to what you weigh and feeling like restricting etc, there must be some help for this somewhere, really wish I knew where though.
Do try and keep eating little and often though rather than starving if you can, it really is the best way.
Anyway sorry about my ramblings,
Thinking of you,
Love and big big (((hugs))),
Lisa x
Hi Hannah
Thanks for your reply when I know you are struggling yourself. I have tried the time delay technique but I find the compulsion to binge increases the longer I delay it, particularly when I can't find anything that provides enough distraction to stop me giving in eventually.
I also do understand why I binged today, and there are often different reasons but knowing why doesn't stop me because I know the need I have been trying to meet by bingeing today could not be met and therefore I turned to food. It also gives me a valid excuse to punish myself.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I hope something is sorted at the clinic for you soon- I would try and stick with it though, as I can't imagine there is a lot else around, really- other than maybe trying a local EDU group? Have you considered that? Apparently the group therapy in those circumstances is helpful.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 05 April 2006 : 21:20:05</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No there is nothing else around and I have no choice but to stick it out there really. There are one or two members of staff who are helpful but the rest seem to have no idea and it is the lack of a structured programme of treatment that isn't helping.
Do you mean a self-help group? There is one in Eastbourne but there is only a contact phone number which I don't feel able to ring and it is on an evening when I would have been in the clinic all day and had a counselling session with Becky. All too much on one day.
Karen xx
Hi Lisa
Thank you for your reply and you didn't ramble. What you said makes a lot of sense, it is just that I can't relate how I am now to being normal. I see myself as being fat.
You are probably right that the fact I've gained weight so quickly (when everyone kept saying it would take a long time to reach a normal weight) does not help. Plus the fact that depression has taken hold so I haven't been exercising and the food is so unhealthy it has turned to fat. I just feel like I am so grotequely repulsive :(.
It is probably true that a lot of women have similar thoughts to a lesser extent at one time or another and I am sorry you are feeling bad about the chocolate. That is nothing compared to what I've eaten today and I am so ashamed. Julia mentioned that I fall into the bulimic category now and I feel that is so shameful too. I can't even bear to think about that label when I desperately want to be anorexic again.
A BMI of 20 is fat for me when I had a BMI of 14 only a few months ago. I don't want to be normal. I was watching a programme on Sky earlier about extremely thin celebrities and the effects of being underweight etc. However, I don't care about any of the medical consequences. All that matters to me is losing weight and feeling better about myself, which I can only do by losing weight.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If you are trying to squueze into clothes that you wore when you were way too thin and anorexic, that will just make you feel fatter too. I would love to take you shopping and see how fantastic you really can look [:O] because I bet you do!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am not trying to squeeze into my old clothes because I know there is no way they will fit but I do want to get into them again. I don't believe I can look good being this size and will only wear baggy jumpers or t-shirts and jogging trousers. I just want to hide away and not be seen because I know I look so fat.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I read an interesting article this week, it said that we often think we will feel better if we are thinner, the fact is we won't, we will be thinner and that's all, the emotional problems will still be there and our lives will still be the same.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well it is true about having the same emotional problems, but I have them still now and in fact feel worse because the depression and despair is worse. At least I felt a little better about myself when I was thinner and I felt I had some control.
Just doesn't seem to be any help available.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I do know that you believe you are fat and see yourself as fat etc, but do try and remember that this does not make it true, what we feel isn't always how things actually are. It's like when I feel sure I have something wrong with me, I really feel sure it's true but it does not mean it is. Hmmm I know I can't take my own advice can I!
Lots of things are contributing to how you feel right now, depression, gaining weight in a short period of time, lack of help at the clinic and it's bound to make you feel bad but it can and will improve again.
Don't worry about my chocolate, just mentioned that to show you we all do it to some extent, I didn't mention the cake I also ate did I! Tomorrow is another day (again)! I think I can have bullimic tendancies at times too, ie I can certainly binge, but I could never make myself sick or use laxatives. These things are all labels anyway and it's certainly not a good thing to strive to be anorexic again.
I've seen some of those celebrities too, apart from the health risks they just look like skeletons, no one is meant to be a size 4, and most are not even meant to be a 6, 8 or even a 10, especially when some of them are so tall also! They look emaciated and ill and it's very sad to see.
You have come so far, you really don't want to be going back to how you were, your body is so much healthier now.
Anyway enough rambling as I know that nothing I say can really make you feel any better, but do know I am here and I am thinking of you lots.
I hope tomorrow is a better day at the clinic and that you are able to see Becky, or was it tomorrow you won't see her due to the pre-op health check?
I hope you sleep well tonight,
Night sis,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Very true about what we believe not being true I guess but like you say when caught up in the illness it is difficult to even recognise the fact, let alone accept it and challenge those beliefs.
Tomorrow might be another day but will it be better? Not if they weigh me at the pre-admission assessment (because I don't want to know how much more weight I've gained). I also have another dilemma. They will ask me for next of kin details and I don't have anyone. Legally I know it is Dad, but I don't want him contacted and I am estranged from all my family. So I don't know what to do about that.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think I can have bullimic tendancies at times too, ie I can certainly binge, but I could never make myself sick or use laxatives. These things are all labels anyway and it's certainly not a good thing to strive to be anorexic again.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hmm I think there is a difference between what you might class as bingeing and the amount of food and what actually goes on during a bulimic binge. Plus for a 'label' of bulimia the bingeing has to be associated with some form of purging, ie vomiting or laxative abuse. But I still feel ashamed to be labelled as being bulimic as opposed to anorexic, because I feel shame when I binge, but feel good when I starve myself.
Some of the predictions made in that celebrity show would worry or scare most people, but the health aspects don't worry me at all. It is just another way of making comparisons and beating myself up for failing to be that thin. That's another feature of the illness I guess. I don't want to say too much because I know the effects on you of talking about health issues but they did talk about life expectancy based on the mentioned celebrities being so thin. Again, this didn't worry me one little bit.
You are not rambling but I know it is like banging your head against a brick wall trying to convince me that I'm not fat and that being a normal weight is healthier. However, what I am doing to myself now is not healthy either so really I am just feeling worse emotionally for no benefit at all.
Yes it is tomorrow I will miss my appointment with Becky due to the pre-admission check. Maybe that's not a bad thing considering how I've felt after my last two sessions with her.
Must go now - laxatives again [xx(]. I can't sleep again because I've made myself ill.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope you weren't too ill and got some sleep and are feeling better this morning.
Just wanted to wish you a good day at the clinic, hope the pre-op check goes well too. Thinking of you.
Love Lisa x
Morning Lisa
Feeling very low and disgusting with myself for bingeing yesterday. I know I keep doing this to myself and it is really stupid. Just need to stop and yet I am not able to do it.
It was gone 3am when I got to sleep and I am still very tired this morning. I think I am a more natural nocturnal person these days and a lot of my problems with losing control with eating has started since I have been up during the day and sleeping (when I can) at night. I had much better control when my sleeping pattern was the other way round.
Thanks for the good wishes.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Sorry you still feel low. Try not to dwell on yesterday and the bingeing, that's past now, today is a new day. Maybe try and make sure you eat little and often today so that you won't want to binge, I know it doesn't always work but starving isn't the answer as you rightly also said.
I seem to be a more nocturnal person these days too, I can quite happily sleep from 4am - midday, which is still 8 hours sleep, just the wrong pattern. Before getting ME I have always been a night owl, always able to stay up and never wanting to get up in the morning. I do need to reverse this pattern, it's very common for ME patients to have this pattern though, something to do with the sleep chemicals being produced at the wrong time or something.
Anyway have a good day and will be thinking of you lots.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
hey karen!!
Oh dear- your havin a bad time at the mo, poor thing!!! i hopew not to upset you or anything by askin but what size clothes are you? me sister had an eatin disorder, so i cant understand completely what your going through but i do know a lot of tips and ideas that could help!!! Be strong hun, i know you can get back in control!!!
Ammegxxxxx
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