View Full Version : Binge eating
Hi Karen
I wish there was more we could do to help. I think we all feel so disappointed for you that the support you need is not available when we have watched you come so far.
It is a vicious cycle. I do have a feeling for what is going on with you, I remember (and still do at times of crisis) desperately wishing i was anorexic, which will sound so strange to anyone who has not been there. I remember thinking I wasn't strong enough to do it. How lucky am I.
Interestingly (I think)I also wished I was an alcoholic at times. The two have similarities and yet are almost opposite - one is complete control, the other complete lack of control. It is just so hard to keep going down a middle road when your emotions get out of control and the depression is so overwhelming and you are feeling despair. But the only way out of it is all the other things you have been doing, dealing with your emotions in other ways, trying to build your self-esteem through achievements etc. You have done so much of this this year and I know you can ride the waves of despair and keep going forward. The bingeing and purgeing will get better as you build your life back up and get healthier in every way. The dysmorphia side of it will not disappear easily and you will probably always struggle with your self-image to a certain extent.
But you HAVE to keep going. You have been blessed/cursed with an incredibly sharp mind, you completely understand what is going on (I don't know how long you have been so aware) and you KNOW what you have to do.
You have so much to give to others in the future, to people who cannot understand what is going on themselves. People have said this to me and I know how little it helps at times but it is true!!!!
It is so frustrating the the mental health services do not provide help for people who are somehow just about managing to get by - I feel I have been in this position many times - and sometimes even for those who are really not coping at all... but you ARE coping and you are even progressing even though you have been feeling so overwhelmed.
Hang in there Karen, keep doing all the positive things you have been doing and ride these waves.....
What time will you be in Brighton tomorrow? PM me and let me know how you feel about meeting up? I would be better with earlier rather than later - my best time energy wise is between 11-3.:D
((((((KAREN))))))
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Fee
Thanks Aunty and I know you have an idea of what I am experiencing and I just wish the so-called professionals did too.
I think my feelings of shame at the bulimia label are worse because I was anorexic and felt good when I was doing that. Now I feel I have failed for not being able to get back to that again. It is what I want more than anything so I can stop hating myself every minute of the day.
Will have to finish later. Just been called away.
Karenxx
Just catching up - hope today goes ok mate regarding food etc!
BIg squeeze
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thanks for all the messages from everyone.
I'll try and reply again. Just started this morning when they called me up to be weighed [Sigh...] and then it was the group session.
Lisa: I'm afraid I haven't eaten today yet because I am at the stage where I am petrified I'll start and then not be able to stop.
Piglet: Thanks for your reply and support. Not a very good day again. Wonder whether there will be a good day ever again at present.
Ammeg: Any tips would be good. Sorry to hear about your sister. Is she recovered now? I don't want to talk about clothes sizes really. I hope you understand that and why.
Fee: Carrying on from earlier...
I too believe I have failed and I keep failing every day because I am no longer strong enough to resist the temptation of food. Every time I give in it is like confirmation of what a waste of space I really am.
The alcohol things makes sense too in a way. I've had thoughts about wishing I had a problem with something like alcohol instead because although it would still be an incredibly difficult addiction to beat and recover from, alcohol is something that can be totally avoided. Unfortunately, when the problem is food there is no getting away from it and the fact that I need some food to survive, when I want to avoid eating altogether.
I can't find that middle road at present and my emotions are completely out of control. I feel desperate and distressed, and every day is like torture. I just want a way out but feel trapped.
At the moment I don't trust myself to have food in the flat, not even healthy food because I don't want to eat. I don't trust myself to go out in case I stop off for bad foods and then binge. I certainly can't trust myself to go into a supermarket.
I really hate this time of year too. Even if I find the courage to face the supermarket, the first sight I am faced with as soon as I walk in is Easter eggs. It's like my worst nightmare and I panic and feel like I am about to breakdown in the middle of the shop :(.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The dysmorphia side of it will not disappear easily and you will probably always struggle with your self-image to a certain extent.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
But to me I am seeing myself as I really am and I don't think I will ever get past this. The nurse at the pre-admission clinic today checked my BP and pulse (which was high because I've been in a state all day and was also late). Then she weighed me and said it has been a long time since she's been my weight. All I could think was that I don't want to be this weight or this fat, and she was making comments like that - I know she probably had little understanding of my eating disorder but it does say in my notes about this.
Fee, it is lovely of you to say that I'll one day be able to help others, and I do agree that I have insight into my problems, but I just don't feel there is a way out, or any proper help out there in order for me to get better. I am not coping and I do feel overwhelmed. I want a way out - any way out and I can't believe I've failed again by letting myself get into this state.
I gave Julia a note with some feedback from our meeting on Tuesday and explaining what a terrible time I had yesterday. She said if I waited downstairs she was come and find me for a quick chat. I told her I needed to be away by 1.00 (and it was then 12.30). I waited half and hour but she didn't come down. I was getting in a right state, having felt distressed again all morning and then worrying about being late.
Eventually she came in just as I was about to leave and said it was positive that I'd managed to control my food intake on Tuesday night, but I all I could think about was the bingeing from yesterday.
She asked whether I had eaten today a
hey karen!!!
Yes me sister has recovered but still has a problem with things like chocolate and beetroot (use to be her marker). Of course i understand you not wantin to talk bout sizes etc!!! Im so sorry your going through such a hard time at the moment and wish there was something i could say or do to help!!!!
Hugs
Ammegxxx
Hi Karen,
Big hugs sis. Sorry you've not had a good day again. It really does sound like the clinic is making you feel worse at the moment, or at least the unresolved emotion it drags up is. Even so you still cope with these things and manage to participate in the group events, so credit to you for that.
I do understand that you don't want to eat in case you can't stop, but you really are more likely to binge if you're not eating at all though, I know you realise this too. Can you try and have something this evening?
I agree with Becky about the electrolyte balance, laxatives can play havoc with these, and you really don't want an electrolyte problem.
I know the health risks don't worry you though.
You're not failing every day, you're struggling and not getting the proper help you so need. It's not your fault, we can't always do everything without some outside help or guidance.
Sorry that nurse at the pre-op check upset you, it was a maybe bit insensitive but not meant I'm sure. Basically she was saying how slim you are by saying she hasn't been your weight for years i.e wishing she was that weight agaian and as slim as you are.
Thinking fo you sis and sending a big (((Hug)))
,
Lisa x
Thank you for the replies.
Ammeg: Glad your sister is recovered. I don't think I'll ever get to a stage where I will be able to eat without thinking about it, or to be able to enjoy food again. I can definitely understand the chocolate thing as this is my big downfall with bingeing at present. Not sure about the beetroot but we all have our lists of good and bad foods. My only good (or goodish) foods are raspberries and low fat crackers or rice cakes. I don't trust myself with anything else and the bingeing is dragging me back to wanting to restrict to these two food items again.
Lisa: I hear what you are saying about eating something to avoid bingeing but I panic just thinking about it. I know I have managed to go days without eating in the past and that is the benchmark I am holding up for myself. I didn't binge back then and I could restrict to eating very few calories and not even have thoughts of bingeing. Somehow I need that level of control back.
At present I feel I threw it all away and so am beating myself up and giving myself a hard time. It's my fault I am in this situation and the only way to feel better is to starve myself so I can lose weight. I had gained a pound when I was weighed today, although officially they've written down that I've lost slightly because they were entering the wrong height before. So I know it's not true and I have gained. Soon it will be 3 stone I need to lose :(:(:(.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I agree with Becky about the electrolyte balance, laxatives can play havoc with these, and you really don't want an electrolyte problem.
I know the health risks don't worry you though.
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No the health risks don't bother me and my doctor has already expressed concern about this. I don't think there is anything wrong with me as my tests have always been fine (except for my thyroid levels) and in a way I feel I need to abuse myself more because I should be making myself ill and causing more physical suffering for myself. Maybe that will take away some of the emotional anguish.
I have to confess that I took a new diet pill yesterday, as well as laxatives, and it gives off some yukky side effects. I don't care if it works though. It is easily possible for me to increase the number of laxatives now I have discovered a senna type one that comes in an edible chocolate form - and then I take this diet pill to block to absorbsion of any fat in the laxatives... [Sigh...]
I'm in a right state here again and none of the professionals are taking me seriously. I bet they would if my BMI was still 13 like it was at times last year. I so want to be back there again and then I wouldn't need their help as I wouldn't feel distressed.
Sorry, I feel like I am heading for a full scale break down here.
Karen xx
Big hugs sis. I will reply more later. Hubby came home after I posted on my thread so I didn't get to reply to yours again. Just popped back to say I am thinking of you this evening.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
I fell asleep for a couple of hours and only woke because the phone was ringing. It stopped before I answered it but from the message was a wrong number anyway [Duh!].
Now I've given in and eaten 4 rice cakes (the thin 14 cal ones) with marmite and an apple :([No]. I can't even keep my resolve going for one day and stop myself eating.
I want to go back to sleep and just keep sleeping without ever waking up. I was dreaming that K lived just around the corner and I could see her at any time too [8)]. Wish that were true but then I want to lose weight before I see her - so that will be never then :(.
Thanks for the hug Lisa.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hi Karen,
Here's another (((hug))) sounds like you need it.
Well done for eating and choosing something healthy, that's great. This is not giving in at all, it's healthy and sensible and be proud that you didn't binge. What you ate is fine, not that much over 100 or so calories and your body needs alot more than 100 or even 200 calories a day anyway. Sorry I know you don't want to hear that but it is true and you need to be eating regularly.
I can understand you wanting to just sleep and escape the pain of all this, but I do want you to wake up again.
There is no need to lose weight before you meet K, you are a normal weight now, think how happy and proud that will make her. She'd much rather see you looking healthy than too thin and ill I'm sure. She really won't care what weight you are anyway. I know it matters to you but to her it won't. It's only you that thinks your'e fat, no one else would agree I'm sure. Your weight must be pretty low for that nurse to comment like she did today anyway.
I know none of this helps but I am thinking of you. I wish I could help more, I feel so frustrated that I can't help, can't say anything useful and that you're not getting the help you need. I do know though that you have been feeling worse than you are now and you completely turned it round and moved forwards, and I know you can again.
Are you meeting Fee tomorrow? If so I hope you have a lovely time.
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thank you for replying sis and for the hug. I do feel like I need it.
You might not think you are helping because I am completely caught up in the eating disorder thinking but it helps to know someone cares enough to keep replying, even when I keep rambling on about the same things day after day.
I know, when I can think rationally, that my body needs more than the amount of calories I have eaten today to keep functioning healthily, but the bingeing means that I need to restrict like this in an attempt to keep some control over my weight. It is slowly creeping up and I'm totally devastated that I have let myself get to this state.
My weight isn't low now and my BMI is still normal. But the problem is that I still can't handle this and I despair that I do not have the willpower to lose weight again now. I have been reading some on the messages and correspondence I had with K last year and I really do despair at how I have let myself get into this state. The more desperate I get to lose weight, the more I binge and I hate the person I've become. I really do :(.
Yes, I know K wouldn't want me to lose weight and in fact it doesn't matter to her what weight I am but it does to me. I can't feel even the tiniest bit good about myself while I am like this. I just need to lose weight to feel better and I am scared I can't do it anymore. If I can't lose weight then I don't know what to do. I don't even want to go there because that's when life feels completely hopeless and there is a real possibility I might give up.
Fee and I are meeting next week now instead.
Thank you sis for your support and for not getting fed up with me going on and on about the same things day after day.
Karen xx
((((((((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))))))
Hi sis,
The hugs are still coming and getting bigger :) I do care enough to keep replying, nothing you say will change that. Ok so you repeat yourself at times, ermm so do I all the time! Lol. So if you don't get fed up with me I'm sure I won't get fed up with you and we will keep helping each other. I really don't care how much you repeat yourself anyway, it helps to say what you're feeling and it's only natural you will feel similar or the same things alot of the time.
I know you can see the eating disorder rationally, I only have to read the advice you give Hannah to know that, but I also know it's much harder to apply things to ourselves. But I know one thing Edie is not going to win this time as my sis Karen is stronger. I know you are and you will come out of this phase again and be stronger.
I really feel like phoning your clinic and speaking to them myself actually, makes me so cross that you don't get the help you need.
I hope you doctor gets to talk to Becky or that Julia does or preferably both will sort it out.
It makes sense for you and Fee to meet next week, she sounds exhausted bless her and you probably don't feel up to it right now. (Hi Fee hope you're asleep [|)]).
I hope you have a better night sis,
Still thinking of you.
Night night, sweet dreams only,
Love Lisa x
Aww thanks Lisa. I don't know what I would do without my 'virtual' family, particularly in light of the absence of my real family.
Yes, I can and do see the mechanisms of eating disorders rationally - when relating these to someone else, but it is completely different being caught in it myself.
I hope you are right and that I am stronger than Edie but it doesn't feel like that at present. In fact, I wrote to K earlier that I feel so despondent and hopeless, particularly due to the lack of help, that Edie can have my body and do what she likes with me. I am getting to the point where I am losing my will to fight again.
In some ways maybe it would be easier on me if I was still in denial because I wouldn't then be getting so frustrated at repeatedly asking for help and not being able to access any help. It's not as if I haven't asked and that in itself is so difficult for me to do.
Yes, I think it makes sense for me to meet up with Fee next week (sorry if I ruined your plans Fee). It was at my suggestion and I really am not up to it at the moment. I wouldn't be good company.
Becky didn't mention having spoken to my doctor so I presume my doctor hasn't managed to get hold of her. Julia did speak to her but neither of them really helped today when I was crying out for help. Becky seemed to think I could wait until next Thursday for my next appointment with her after needing to miss the one this afternoon.
I really despair of what to do next.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're up with tummy pains, hope it feels better soon.
I can understand your despair, you have cried out for help and they are not giving it, which is dreadful in my opinion. I know you must feel like giving up but don't, you can do this, I know you can.
Does K have any suggestion about how you can get more help due to the fact that the clinic are not being helpful?
I hope you sleep soon,
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
The tummy pains are my own fault - not laxatives this time but these other pills I've got I think.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Does K have any suggestion about how you can get more help due to the fact that the clinic are not being helpful?
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
K suggested I look around for another clinic and keep my doctor informed of what is going on. My doctor is brilliant but I don't think there is much else she can do. She is aware of what is happening and has been trying to ring, or might now have written instead I don't know. But I've already received funding once to go to this clinic and don't think I would get it now, even if there was another option.
It just feels totally hopeless.
Karen xx
Hey karen!!
Just been catching up on ur posts and you sound like my sis did!! its scary!! reading one post i actually thought it was her and went over to check she wasnt online!!!!! Im just soo sorry your havin it so hard at the moment!!! um i cant remember wot post it was in but you said u need to lose another 3 stone, do you think this or ur dietician?? me sis never got much help from the docs, she was actually well on her way to recovery before she saw them!!! how long have you had a eating disorder from? Hope you got more sleep!!
Hugs
Ammegxxx
(((((KAREN)))))
I wish I could think of something to do or say to help but all I can do is send you another hug. I hope you can ride this sweetie... I feel so frustrated for you.
I hope you can make it over next week - don't worry about today - you made a good choice, I DO feel very coldy and it is supposed to be something nice to do and WILL be when the time is right!!!
I hope you feel a little better today - thinking of you.
Loads and loads of love,
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
I hope you got some sleep and feel at least a little better today.
Thinking of you.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Thank you guys.
I took a larger than normal dose of sleeping pills last night but still woke at 8.30 this morning. I have been dosing on and off all morning though, as this is preferable than thinking about the dreaded food.
Had some very strange dreams - not surprising I guess. Most of them centred around the clinic, although it was in a much bigger building and I was an in patient there. At times it was like a public hotel downstairs and I kept bumping into people I know (either from the present of from my past). First one was K (not surprising [^]) and thought she had come to visit me, but she hadn't and was just passing through, and in fact seemed annoyed by the distraction. This happened again with a couple of other people who I again thought had come to see me but they didn't want to see me and were just passing through on their way to somewhere else. The last person was someone I used to work with several years ago now and the same thing happened - except she said "How can you be ill with anorexia? You are too fat."
Needless to say I don't feel my best this morning and although these were only dreams I still do feel upset.
I also have one of those awful headaches you get having stayed in bed for too long so I suppose I should get up and do something really. I haven't done any housework for ages and the flat is a mess.
Ammeg: Hope I didn't bring back too many upsetting memories of how ill your sister was. It shows how strong she was to recover mainly without any help.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">i cant remember wot post it was in but you said u need to lose another 3 stone, do you think this or ur dietician??<div align="right">Originally posted by Ammeg - 07 April 2006 : 09:13:09</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No, that's what I want to lose. According to everyone else I am at a normal weight - but being a normal weight is too scary and hard to cope with. I want to be at the weight I felt most comfortable.
Fee: Thanks for the hug and I think it was the right decision to wait until next week. Hopefully we will both be feeling a bit better by then.
Lisa: Thanks sis. Still have stomach pains today and other symptoms too embarrassing to mention in public [:I].
Karen xx
Hi ya flower,
Sorry I've not been on much - it's half-term and I am also trying to maintain the goals set by the Nopanic course too.
Like Fee I have woken up with a sort of coldy thing - got a cracking sore throat and think I will go and do a hot drink now.
Text me whenever you want though :D:D:D
Big hugs mate.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Sorry to hear you still don't feel too good today. That dream sounds unpleasant, I know dreams can be unsettling sometimes if they are vivid and stay with you after waking.
I hope your tummy settles down soon.
I am concerned at the amount of pills you are taking again, I can understand why you need extra sleeping pills but it's not good to take more than the prescribed dose. I know you won't stop taking the laxatives but maybe you can try and cut them down again, or get non chocolate ones so they are not nice to take and therefore you may not eat as many. Losing all this fluid from your body is not good and really could mess your electrolytes. As for the new diet pills, they are really not a good idea and most of them don't even work, they're certainly not good for you. Ideally it would be best to throw them in the bin [:O].
I know me saying this will make no difference and you don't want to hear it, but I felt I had to say it, sorry. It's not even that is scares me to take tablets or think of that many, it's because I care about you and don't want to see you doing yourself harm. Don't say you deserve it either because you don't.
Thinking of you today sis,
Lisa x
Hiya guys.
Piglet: Sorry you've got a cold too. (((Hugs))) I hope you are soon feeling better. Thanks about texting too. Am just trying to get through the day a bit at a time at the moment. I hope there's not another cold going around or I might have to hibernate in my flat for 2 weeks to avoid catching it [:O]. Don't want anything to risk postponing my op.
Lisa: Yes, the dream was unpleasant and I still can't forget it now. I know why I had the dream because it is symbolic of how alone I feel at present, which I suppose has been brought home to me a bit over the past few days - what with feeling so low and not getting the help from the clinic, and then my forthcoming operation and having to tell the nurse I don't have a next of kin to put on the form.
My tummy is not too bad now, but then I haven't taken any pills today as I haven't eaten yet. I know the diet pills are not good and I feel such a failure for going down this route again. I know I am causing K concern too, as well as my other friends, and that's the last thing I want to do. I am just that desperate to lose weight. I've taken the prescription pills Reductil in the past and managed to get rid of them, but this time I am taking Xenical - so they are supposed to work and they are definitely doing something [:I]. I want to get off of these and the laxatives again, but I need help and feel such despair that no one is listening to how distressed I am.
In the past I hid the fact I took diet pills and laxatives but this time I really do want to get better but the so-called professionals are not doing anything to help and I've just got worse since I started going there. I was off diet pills, eating regularly and had almost weaned myself off the laxatives prior to going there.
Actually, I worry about the choc senna laxatives because if they are choc flavoured there must be calories in them and so I took Xenical at the same time as the laxatives last night. No wonder my stomach is such a mess and goodness knows what long term damage I've done to myself.
If only I could stop bingeing I think I could get all of this back under control and get off all these pills again, but I don't know how to control it and I am literally crying out for help. I don't know what else I can do. It is like they will wait until I have done myself damage, or something shows up on my blood tests before anyone will take action. Surely it makes sense to provide some help before it gets to that stage?
The extra sleeping pills are just a way to avoid dealing with all the rest of this stuff. If I sleep more then I can't eat and the less I eat, the less I abuse laxatives and diet pills. I know it isn't a good way of coping, and it is not the answer but I don't know what is anymore.
I am shattered this afternoon and in pain. I have cleaned the flat for the first time in several weeks, changed all the bed clothes and done some washing. Everything hurts my arm and the area around my ribs though and now I am so exhausted I think I could sleep again.
Thanks for caring sis and I am sorry to be causing concern. I would just like to know why no one at the clinic is interested in helping me. If my weight dropped dramatically they would certainly jump on me then but because I am having different struggles to others on the EDU, no one seems interested.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Firstly there is no need to apologise for anything. Yes I am concerned at what you've been doing but I do understand the reasons why, what really concerns and angers me is that you're not getting the help you so obviously need and have been asking for.
I'm glad to hear you talk rationaly about the pills and what harm they could be doing and I do know you want to stop them. Maybe part of the answer is to accept the weight you are now is normal and not overweight at all, but I know this is part of what you need help with. You really do not need to be thinking of losing weight though, especially not three stone, even I don't need to lose that much and I am overweight.
I know the clinic are not much help but you have stopped bingeing before so how did you do it? As you say a while back you stopped it, you were eating sensibly and stopped the diet pills and were almost stopping the laxatives, so what did you do for all this to happen? Just trying to point out that it was you that did all this before, as Fee always say you probably know what you need to do better than the clinic.
I really wish you could get some help, there must be help out there somewhere, does your gp have any other ideas?
Anyway I'm confusing myself now, sorry if none of it makes sense.
Thinking of you still.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks and what you wrote makes complete sense.
I am fully aware of the possible health risks but feel so distressed at being this size and have slipped so far back into depression that it is hard to care much about long term problems.
The problem is that I can't accept the weight I am now and I know that is the eating disorder talking. I want to lose 3 stone to get back to (or a little under) my lowest weight in the past. I can't handle having gained so much in such a short space of time, and I am petrified that this will continue if I don't do something about it now. The only way I know how to cope is the stop eating because I know eventually I will start losing weight again that way.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know the clinic are not much help but you have stopped bingeing before so how did you do it? As you say a while back you stopped it, you were eating sensibly and stopped the diet pills and were almost stopping the laxatives, so what did you do for all this to happen?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I wasn't bingeing this much then though. It was only once a week, or maybe twice a week. Since starting at the clinic it has been happening as much as 5 days a week at times, so it is no wonder I've gained weight. That's why I know it is out of control and why I am taking such drastic actions to try to stop. It is out of desperation because I don't know what else to do.
My doctor looked into all the help available last time, which was basically none.
There is no answer to this and seemingly no way out either :(.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Big (((((hugs))))) sis. To be honest I'm at a bit of a loss for words tonight, I really don't know what I can say to help, I so wish I did. I really wish there was some help out there for you, there just has to be somewhere, but where. I suppose the difficulty is that it's not actually just the eating problems that need treating it's the underlying emotional issues that cause all this in the first place that need addressing.
There should be someone at the clinic that can help, I do hope your doctor gets through to them soon.
Are there any private therapists that deal with these issues maybe?, they cost money though of course.
I know you are dead against the CMHT, but sometimes they have exactly the therapists that are needed for these things and does it really matter who it is if they can help? Your main worry with seeing them before seemed to be fear or being sectioned, but this wouldn't happen now anyway. I don't know, just talking out loud about ideas really.
Would some more hypnosis help? I know many people have this for eating problems? Could it help with bingeing too?
Do please try and keep eating little and often though, starving is not the answer nor is aiming to get even lighter than you were at your lightest [:O]. I wish you could see that being thinner just isn't the answer to all this and all your problems. What happens when you are really thin again and then still feel emotional, do you keep losing weight until you are hospitalised or disappear, with Edie nothing will ever feel thin enough, if you weighed 3 stone less you would think you were fat, that's how it works and the dysmorphia you have doesn't help. I don't mean to be hard/harsh, just want to find a way to help.
I know somewhere in you is the strength to beat this and start progressing again, so hang in there for now, still thinking of you lots.
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thank you for replying and I really don't expect you to have the answers or know what to say to me. I don't think anyone does to be honest.
I wish I could believe there is help out there somewhere but at the moment it doesn't seem like there is. The most worrying thing about what is happening at the clinic is that this is now supposed to be the specialist centre for treating eating disorders for the whole of Sussex, so I don't know where else there would be to go to get some help.
Finding a private therapist is one option and I have been so desperate this week that I did start looking into that option. But it is very expensive and I would really only want to go down that route if I could find someone who comes recommended. I don't want to go through this all again only to find myself in the same position.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I know you are dead against the CMHT, but sometimes they have exactly the therapists that are needed for these things and does it really matter who it is if they can help? Your main worry with seeing them before seemed to be fear or being sectioned, but this wouldn't happen now anyway.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I know you are trying to help Lisa but my problems with the CMHT go deeper than the fear of being sectioned. I felt patronised and was passed around from one person to another, because no one seemed to know how to treat my problems. When I finally got to see a psychologist she turned me down for CBT and passed me back to seeing social workers and CPNs. I have no trust in the people there and therefore it would not help me to go down that route again.
I don't know about hypnosis. I would like to still be seeing Jill for help with this but I think she believes she has done all she can to help and that I need to regular support from something like a day programme. It is such a difficult dilemma.
You will be pleased to note I have had some rice cakes, a few grapes and an apple this evening so I am not starving myself completely. I do however, still want to lose weight and believe I will feel better if I can lost 3 stone. I don't expect anyone to agree with me about that though.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">What happens when you are really thin again and then still feel emotional, do you keep losing weight until you are hospitalised or disappear, with Edie nothing will ever feel thin enough, if you weighed 3 stone less you would think you were fat, that's how it works and the dysmorphia you have doesn't help.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I wouldn't lose enough weight to be hospitalised or disappear. I maintained my weight just above the hospitalisation level last year and that's what I am aiming for again. You are right that the dysmorphia still had me convinced I was fat but at least from the clothes I was wearing etc I had something to challenge that belief with. Now I know I am definitely fat because these clothes don't fit me anymore and I am gaining weight every week. It has to stop.
I don't think you are being harsh sis and I know you care. I am sorry I find it impossible to see things from your perspective when it comes to this.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
No need to be sorry for not seeing my perspective, I do understand that you're gripped in all this right now and almost believe what you think rgarding this at times. That doesn't make it right but I do realise it feels that way to you.
We all have things we can only see our own way aswell.
The private therapist may be an option one day, but I agree you would need someone recommended that was good, otherwise you could be in the same situation and wasting money also.
I also understand about the CMHT and I'd forgotten they'd turned you down for CBT and the other problems.
It is worrying that your clinic is supposed to be a specialised eating disorders unit for the whole county. I suppose it depends what they see as there aim when they treat people, if they aim to make patients gain weight then they may be successful, but they should be looking at the whole picture and providing the individual treatment that they advertise.
I just hope it improves there.
Well done for eating tonight, that's great, well done :D
You're right I cant agree with the losing 3 stone bit, but we can agree to disagree on that one for now but you can't convince me you are fat by mentioning your clothes. Of course they won't fit now, you were anorexic before and extremely underweight and now you're a healthy weight. It's like me saying (for example) that I went from a size 10 to a 12 so that means I'm fat, it doesn't it would just mean I'm bigger than I was (size 12 who am I kidding Lol and the rest) but could still be a normal weight. If you lost three stones you would be seriously underweight and I think you must know that too. Anyway I'll leave it there as I know you won't agree with me ;).
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hannahlou84
07-04-06, 22:27
Hi Karen,
Firstly, well done for eating, even if it's only a little- anything is better than nothing- this way you can build up slowly rather than bingeing etc.
Would you be able to ask Jill about hypnosis now that you are generally healthier and aren't resisting change/improvement? The worst she can say is no- and I would be surprised if she does as she has seen the progress you have made- perhaps she could help with the bingeing?
Would your doctor be able to contact the CMHT and put the relevant person in contact with you rather than you having to deal with it all again? I know they have been awkward, but they'd probably be quite helpful once you get to the right person- and you are so much more able to articulate what you want and know what you need now. Though, you can leave that until you are able to see if there are any changes at the clinic- which hopefully there will be shortly if your doctor has managed to get in touch.
Just try and keep the rational part of your brain chipping in when you feel you'll need it, and you won't go too far wrong. I really admire your strength.
I hope you sleep better tonight- go careful with the pills (and the sleeping pills, hon).
Hannah x
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Lisa
Thanks sis. If I really felt I could find someone to see privately who could really help me then I would go with it, but I don't know where to turn or what to believe anymore. According to the clinic's website it sounds like they have expertise in treating eating disorders but the reality is so different. I don't want to waste time or money seeing someone who doesn't know what they are talking about.
The focus at the clinic is mainly on getting patients to gain weight to what they consider to be a healthy level, but that's not what their literature says and it doesn't help. All that has happened for me is that I feel more out of control that ever and want to lose all the weight I've gained so that I am at my lowest weight again. At least I was considering maintaining at a slightly higher and healthier level before I had all these problems with bingeing but now I want to be a very low weight again.
I'm sorry but I am fat now and some of the clothes I was wearing when at a lower weight were not a very small size but these don't fit now either. That's why I have to lose weight. I feel too distressed by it all to go out and buy bigger clothes. I just can't do it. I want to lose weight.
Karen xx
Hi Hannah
Thanks for your reply.
I don't think Jill would agree to take over my treatment again, particularly in view of the fact that I want to lose weight and she said she was not helping me before. She thinks I need something like the day clinic, but does agree that I am not getting the help I need at the clinic I am attending currently.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Would your doctor be able to contact the CMHT and put the relevant person in contact with you rather than you having to deal with it all again? I know they have been awkward, but they'd probably be quite helpful once you get to the right person- and you are so much more able to articulate what you want and know what you need now.<div align="right">Originally posted by Hannahlou84 - 07 April 2006 : 22:27:51</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am not going back to the CMHT. I know many people probably think I am being irrational about this but I don't trust them and therefore I am not able to work with any member of that team. I was pushed from pillar to post last time and offered 'token' infrequent appointments with different people so I wouldn't get attached. I didn't want to be there in the first place and definitely wouldn't get attached to anyone there.
Right now all I can do is restrict my food and try to avoid bingeing, as this is the only way I can avoid use of the various pills. I need some proper help but there doesn't appear to be any.
Karen xx
((((((KAREN)))))))
Oh I feel so bloomin frustrated for you. I don't know what to say except you know what's going on and it's not your fault, you have worked so hard over the last couple of months and have been so so let down.
On the private side - there must be someone good somewhere... I will put my head round it - and you ask around. You were prepared to pay £2k for your op - this would be even better.
Do you think the upcoming op is making things harder at the moment too?
It's so hard for people who care about you to resist the urge to state the obvious.... I know you know it all though so I won't!!! Yes I will - it doesn't matter how fat or thin you are you are A WONDERFUL PERSON!:D:D:D:D
You are so special Karen, so bright and kind and supportive, please please do everything you can to take care of yourself...
A HUGE well done for eating tonight...:D:D:D:D:D
I hope you sleep ok tonight hun.
Nite nite
Loads and loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hannahlou84
07-04-06, 23:05
Hi Karen,
I didn't mean to consider the hypnosis instead, but alongside- even if it is just to give you a greater sense of control initially- just thought it would help. Sorry.
As for the CMHT I understand your feelings as my experiences with them weren't exactly positive either- I'll keep my fingers crossed for something more beneficial at the clinic then! Hopefully there will be improvements for you soon- at least you have Sarah to help a little too, and you have said that her and your doctor have been helpful- so that's something to hold onto.
I understand the restricting too, and I am glad you are doing that rather than indulging in other destrutive behaviours- though I can empathise because my stomach and chest muscles seem to cramp a lot atm. [xx(]
try and take care of you. xx
"I just wanna live my life sedated, cos I love driving myself away"
Hi Karen,
I agree with Fee, you are a wonderful person :). Also one who is NOT fat. It's not a fact that you are fat, and it's only you who thinks you are.
You think it, feel it and maybe even believe it, but that doesn't make it true. I'm not even going to think about what clothes size you call small. Anyway enough from me about that tonight, think I've said it enough for one day. I may however repeat it several times in the future [:O]. Lol.
Fee is right, there must be some private help somewhere, but I do agree it's so important to find the right person.
Anyway I hope you sleep well tonight,
Thinking of you,
Night sis,
Lisa x
Thank you for all the replies and I know you care and are all trying to help. The most frustrating thing from my side of this is that I feel I have failed again because this is not working and like I am letting everyone down by returning to past coping mechanisms, when I should be getting better. I just don't know how to do it.
Fee: Thanks. What you've said means a lot.
I would be prepared to pay if I could find someone who could actually help but really would want a recommendation this time so that I have more hope of the therapy actually being helpful.
The op probably isn't helping, not because I am particularly worried about having it but because of associated feelings and memories that I can't really go into.
I do and have tried to look after myself. I did get off all the pills and almost completely off the laxatives but I know I have fallen right back again now and don't know how to turn things around.
I just wish I could stop obsessing about food and stop bingeing because with more control over this I am sure I could start to make progress again. I don't know how to do this though.
Hannah: I don't think Jill would agree to hypnotherapy again, at least not at present because she doesn't think this has been enough to help me, and she doesn't think I am getting the help I need from the clinic either.
The CMHT make things worse and it is an option I won't consider.
I think restricting is much healthier for me than taking pills and laxatives and I would be fine if I could keep to this and avoid giving in to the binge urges.
Lisa: Some of the clothes I bought last summer were children's sizes, but others were adult clothes which while admittedly were a little big, now do not fit at all and that's how I know it is a fact that I am fat. I have to do something about it now before it gets any worse.
Thanks for all your support today again sis. I know you've had a difficult day yourself.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
You have not failed or let anyone down, please try and stop being so hard on yourself. You will get there, it will take time, there will be ups and downs, progress and setbacks, blips, and all this is fine, it doesn't matter and is normal. There is no pressure to do anything in a set time, the only pressure here is what you are putting on yourself.
We all like you whether you're having a good day or a bad day, a good time or a bad. We're in this together, through the good and the bad.
Just because you can't wear chidrens size clothes, or the adult ones you had last year (which must have been tiny anyway if childrens clothes fit you then) does NOT mean you are fat. Ok so they don't fit now, all this means is that you are healthier and no longer dangerously thin. I appreciate it does mean you've gained weight and you hate this but gaining weight and becoming a normal size only equates to being fat in your mind not in reality. You can't say it's a fact that you are fat as it isn't, you feel fat and think you are which is different. To make it fact your BMI would need to be above 25, and I know it's not anywhere near it as you have said even a BMI of 20 scares you. I know 18.5 is normal or safe, but for health 20 is more normal and most doctors say not to go below this. I think this argument could run and run.................. but I know for a fact that I am right [:P];) Lol. Only joking sis, but trying to make you see the real facts not the ones of Edie who has a very distorted view of things.
Right my bed is calling now, I hope you are asleep now and I hope you sleep well. The only dreams allowed are nice happy ones :).
It's a pleasure to support you Karen, thanks too for continuing to support me so much, when you are struggling.
Love and big (((hugs)))
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I'm not asleep yet but I suppose one good thing is that I might be able to sleep in later tomorrow.
You are right that I put a lot of pressure on myself. I did realise that in order to get better I would need to gain some weight, but not this much or this quickly. I also don't see going from being anorexic to now bingeing and purging as being recovery. It is just swapping one maladaptive behaviour for another. It is just that this current pattern is causing me far more distress than my anorexia ever did.
The adult clothing was not tiny though and was a size 10 so that shows how much weight I have gained that these are now tight and I am fat. I didn't want to talk about clothes sizes or how big I am because it terrifies me that there has been such a dramatic change and that I feel so out of control.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">To make it fact your BMI would need to be above 25, and I know it's not anywhere near it as you have said even a BMI of 20 scares you. I know 18.5 is normal or safe, but for health 20 is more normal and most doctors say not to go below this.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
My BMI is now 20 though and so perhaps now you can all believe that I have gained such a lot of weight and am not at all underweight. It is true that being a normal weight terrifies me and that's why I feel so bad and am so desperate to lose the weight again.
There is no way I can ever feel happy with myself being like this.
I know I am being argumentative and dismissing every argument. I don't mean to be but I just can't handle the way this is going. At this rate my BMI will be over 25 in a very short space of time and that's why I am so petrified and have been driven to such extreme measure in an attempt to lose weight.
Thanks for your patience and for keeping trying sis.
Karen xx
Well not a good start to the day.
I woke feeling upset from some horrible dreams. Tried to go back to sleep but couldn't.
Now I have ruined today and am reliant on those pills again. Just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I've had more than I can take of all of this. Enough is enough. I just want out :(:(:(
Karen xx
((((((KAREN))))))
Morning Karen....
What can I say - I wish I could help.. Is there anyway that you could devise yourself a new type of restriction diet, one that is vaguely healthy, as a temporary measure to get you back on track? I'm not sure that's a helpful idea but it would be something....
I am thinking of you hun - you will get through this too....
loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Sending you the biggest squeeze cos you are special and not feeling special.
((((((((((((((((((((((((K))))))))))))))))))
From your mate Piglet who has a bad cold and sore throat and who's eye keeps twitching.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Aww Piglet, sorry you are not feeling too well. I hope you are keeping yourself wrapped up nice and warm and taking things easy today.
Thanks for the squeeze!
Don't know why I do this when I know how awful I will feel afterwards. It's not even lunchtime yet.
I've already panicked and thrown most of it in the bin and smothered it in bleach. I just can't be trusted on my own. I am pathetic :(.
Hope you feel better soon.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Big (((hugs))) sis. Sorry you feel so bad today still. Sorry you had bad dreams too, I had some nice dreams but I also had some horrible ones last night too.
I really don't know what I can say to help today, but I am still here for you and thinking of you.
Please do try and stop being so hard on yourself, thinking things like you are a failure or pathetic only makes you feel worse about yourself. Try and look at the positive things about you - and before you say there aren't any there are lots!
Hang in there sis, don't give up, I know it's hard but you can get through this. I don't like hearing you say you want out, I know it's how you feel so don't apologise for saying it but you mean so much to us and others, we all care about you so much. You can move on from this and have a rewarding life, meet K, become a therapist yourself - it can all still happen.
Love Lisa x
Sorry Lisa.
I don't want to keep saying that I want out but I feel so distressed that I no longer know what to do or where to get help. Just feel like I am going to be stuck in this hell forever because there is no way out.
It's all my own fault because I should be strong enough to resist these urges. I'd had 2 days where I controlled my food intake but now I am back at square one.
My life is meaningless if I am going to continue like this. Just want a quick ending because I've had about as much as I can take. Even the promise of meeting K in July is not enough to pull me through this any longer.
Karen xx
Hi Fee
Sorry I missed your post there. You are helping by standing by me and not giving up on me, even when I am in danger of giving up on myself.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Is there anyway that you could devise yourself a new type of restriction diet, one that is vaguely healthy, as a temporary measure to get you back on track? I'm not sure that's a helpful idea but it would be something....</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That's what I've been doing for the past couple of days and it was helping. But then I threw all that away this morning and binged again. It gets worse because I can't spend the whole day bingeing. I've now thrown a lot of the food in the bin and destroyed it so I can't carry on bingeing but the damage is done.
I don't even know why I did it, maybe feeling very upset when I woke up this morning but now I feel worse and have the whole of the day ahead of me. I am very tempted to take more sleeping pills and try to sleep all day.
I hate and despise myself so much that I can't even put it into words.
Thanks aunty Fee.
Karenxx
Hi sis,
Don't be sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for. Blaming yourself is really not helping though, you are not at fault here, it's part of the problems you have. I can't always control what I eat either, but that doesn't make me a failure. Many people, especially women, eat things and feel bad afterwards. Putting all this pressure on yourself really makes you feel worse. Try and accept each day as it is, I know that's hard when you have several bad days.
I do understand your despair and how you want out of this suffering, I think in some ways suffering is harder to bear when you've had good times in between too.
I really don't know what else to say but please don't give up, just keep telling yourself it will get better even if you don't believe it, things have been bad before and improved.
I couldn't feel much worse than I have recently either, in agony all the time, not able to breathe without wheezing, not able to work, I'm so fed up with this. Last night I thought if all this never got better would I want to live like this, the answer was still yes I would, as life is precious and I still try and enjoy the small things, even something as simple as some daffodils bobbing in the sun can make me smile. I'm lucky that although I get down about things, I've never been depressed as such, so I can't really understand how bleak that makes things look.
I feel so helpless here and I want to help, keep trying to think of ways I can. There must be something someone can do, there just must be so don't give up hope yet. Does your doctor know exactly how bad you feel? I so wish I could speak to the clinic, I would probably scream down the phone at them right now!
You really are a special, caring, kind, thoughtful, compassionate (the list coud go on and on) person Karen, you have so much to keep going for and so much to give.
Thinking of you,
Hugs
Lisa x
Thanks sis.
I feel guilty for feeling so bad that I am not able to see a way through this. I try to find something, anything to make me want to carry on but I guess that't the problem with clinical depression because it makes it incredibly difficult to see any future or to find even a small thing to hol on to.
I realise it is hard for others to understand how I can feel so low that I don't care about my life, or whether I wake up in the morning. Feeling this way over having binged and the fact I've gained weight must seem so superficial to some people but I just can't help the way I feel.
My doctor does know I am feeling prettty bad but I won't be seeing her until after Easter now, as my blood test isn't until Tuesday and it will take a while for the results to come back.
LOL at shouting at the clinic. I don't think they'd take any notices. I've told them I've been having suicidal thoughts. I've told them about the laxatives and other pills. I've said how distressed I am but still no one listens. I don't know what else to do frankly.
Thank you for listening and for the hugs.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))
You have nothing to feel guilty or bad for, you are struggling to cope, it's not your fault.
I don't think your problems are superficial, we all have our own fears. In all honesty I can't totally understand how you feel, I have some idea as I feel so dreadful that I've put on weight and become overweight and can't stick to the eating plan I have, but it's still not the same as what you feel. You probably don't understand my fears as health things don't worry you. I read some other peoples fears on the boards sometimes and think wow I'd never have believed anyone would worry about that but at the same time I know that fear is very real and scary to them. We all have our own worries. Your problem is more than a worry, it's all tied up in an eating disorder and emotions and all sorts of things.
I hope you get some more sleep and feel better later. You mentioned writing to K on my post, have you told her exactly how bad you're feeling at the moment? If so what does she say or suggest right now?
Yes Lol at me shouting at the clinic, but I would. If I lived closer I'd be in there kicking up a fuss until someone listened (and probably getting myself sectioned or arrested in the process [:O]) Lol.
Thinking of you sis,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for being so understanding sis.
I haven't slept but have been replying to an email and writing to K for most of the afternoon and I also watched a DVD which is related to the hypnosis workshops I've attended in the past.
K does know how bad I am feeling and she has gone as far as suggesting I start looking around for an alternative clinic or source of help, but there is nothing out there.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Yes Lol at me shouting at the clinic, but I would. If I lived closer I'd be in there kicking up a fuss until someone listened (and probably getting myself sectioned or arrested in the process [:O]) Lol.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Oh well, maybe we'd end up sectioned together [:O]. I need to be more assertive although I have been trying to do that and to ask for what I need, but I still get ignored.
Oh well... today is a write-off really. Need to do better tomorrow to make up for it now.
I've been trying to come up with cunning ways of avoiding eating lunch at the clinic next week [Sigh...].
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Sorry you didn't manage to sleep, I hope you do tonight instead.
The hypnosis DVD sounds good, does it help at all?
I think K's idea to find another therapist is good, are you sure there is no one out there? Maybe you could keep looking, asking about? I know you need to find the right person who is recommended, but I really believe there must be someone out there who can help you.
Not sure trying to avoid lunch at the clinic is a good idea [:O] Take something healthy with you to eat, even something small and try and eat that.
Still thinking of you.
Night sis,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
The DVD was interesting to watch and as it was recorded a while ago I recognised some faces in the audience who are now working as therapists.
I haven't given up on finding other sources of help but K still thinks I need the level of help that a day clinic provides and I coudn't fund that privately. Just feel a bit stuck really.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Not sure trying to avoid lunch at the clinic is a good idea [:O] Take something healthy with you to eat, even something small and try and eat that. <div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 08 April 2006 : 22:06:23</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No because the whole point is it is the act of eating anything that starts the obsessing and leads to bingeing. If I can avoid eating until the evening I am much less likely to binge. I know this goes against advice to eat regularly but it is the only way I can avoid bingeing.
Just trying to come up with some plausible excuses now.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Glad the DVD was interesting.
Good to hear you haven't given up on finding other help, even if you can't fund daycare you may find someone else who can help and who understands the help you need better.
I hope you sleep better tonight,
Night sis,
Love Lisa x
Hi Karen
((((((HUGS))))))
Of course we won't give up on you hun! You will come through this - I have been in the depths of despair in the past and couldn't see any way out - but here I am (skipping through the daisies.... well coping anyway lol!).
Life sometimes seems like a set of hurdles and challenges and sometimes it feels too much effort but you have so much to give and are such an amazing person I know you will pick yourself up again. The hugs are real Karen. Hang in there, we will all get through this.
I hope you have a better night.
Loads of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks Fee and Lisa.
You have more faith in me than I have in myself. At the moment I need to make myself ill because of all the food I have eaten today. I hate myself for bingeing. I really don't want to be here or think I deserve to still be here after being so disgusting.
I need to starve for at least a week now.
Karen xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I need to starve for at least a week now.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 09 April 2006 : 00:20:49</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
[V][:O][No][No][No] Not a good idea sis.
Of course we have faith in you, and will keep reminding you until you can see it for yourself. You don't have to make yourself ill either, you are not disgusting at all. You do deserve to be here, you're a good kind person not a bad one. There are plenty of bad people in this world who do all manner of evil things and you are not one of them.
I'm off to bed now...I think/hope! Lol.
Night,
Lisa x
Thanks sis.
Still need to fast though.
Karen xx
Feeling so depressed this morning. I don't want to be awake and don't want to face the day.
Haven't hear from K either and I'm ashamed to say that I feel worse becuae I thought I would hear from her.
Need to avoid eating at all costs today so now I'm going to take more sleeping pills to go back to sleep. I don't want to be conscious. Don't want to face the day and just need to sleep to get away from my problems.
Life gets worse daily :(:(:(
Morning Pickle,
Wish I had something clever to say but my head feels all woolly and fuzzy:(
Just want you to know your possy really care about you and we want our mate to feel better - sending you some of my best vibes and squeezes
<center>~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*</center>
<center>(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((K)))))))))))))))))))) ))))))</center>
Love Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
karen sweetie - don't know what to say either, just want to send you a huge
HUG and SQUEEZE
Please please please take care of yourself hun.
loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
oh karen!!!
hugs!!!
just catchin up and i dont know wot to say except i am thinkin of u!!! please dont starve urself- i understand eatin makes you feel awful but hun, u need to eat!! and even though i am postin this i know u dont care about needed to eat and i know u dont care bout bein ill, but please try to!! i know you can do this, but i do know its going to be hard for you!! wish i could offer more words of support but i am hopeless!!! hope your feelin better, and i hope you have had something to eat!!!
Ammegxxxxx
Just to say am thinking of you Karen.
Hope you can find a way through this.
(((big hug)))
Tammy x
((((((((((Karen))))))))))
Sorry you still feel so bad, I am thinking of you still.
I was reading a magazine earlier and came across this website:
http://www.eating-disorders.org.uk/
I don't know if you've heard of them?, they are a national eating disorders centre. I had a quick look at the site, they provide lots of help, either one to one with eating disorder counsellors (at various uk locations including some in sussex), they do telephone counselling (which I know you probably wouldn't want) and they also do an online self-help course for binge eating, that is CBT focused. Might be worth a look?
They have some interesting leaflets on there to read too, one describes why cravings happen very well. Just a thought anyway.
Love Lisa x
<center>THANK YOU</center>
All you messages mean so much to me. I know no one here has the answer - well even the 'so-called' professionals don't have the answer either [Duh!].
I took sleeping pills and have only just woken up again. At least the shops close soon so no possibility of going out for 'bad' foods. However, the local Tesco Express is open until 11pm [No].
Just woke up to read some emails and check the sites really and then feel like I could go back to sleep and maybe I will. At least I'm not eating then.
Oh and I did take laxatives so I'll be ill tonight hopefully and then will make it into the clinic tomorrow - even though I don't know why I bother.
I haven't eaten yet and intend to leave it as late as possible to eat so that I don't go overboard again. Still feel bloated from yesterday. But as I took the chocolate laxatives this has to be counted as food and so I took a Xenical pill to try to counter the calorie intake. Why no calorfic information on the laxative box? How do I found out how many calories in these laxatives? It's the only thing that will make me stop and perhaps go back to others I was using but unable to take so many of them.
So thank you so much Piglet, Fee and Ammeg for your continued support. I know I am in a self-destruct mode at present and I can't bring myself out of it. I know healthy eating of things like salad should allow me to eat and still lose weight, but right now the process of eating at all is so difficult. I can't find the happy medium and want to starve so I don't go off on the other tangent and binge.
I know doing some exercise would help but I have no motivation for that either.
Lisa: Thanks for the website. I am not sure if I've been there before so I'll have a look. I wouldn't want to do the telephone part of it but there might be somthing that will help.
Thanks again all my friends.
Karen xx
Hi Nigel
Thought I'd make the effort with the colours seeing how everyone had gone to so much trouble.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just going outside to clean the car and tackle the garden. Can I trust you to behave whilst I’m gone? ;)
<div align="right">Originally posted by Nigel - 09 April 2006 : 16:25:46</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well I've already done the harmful stuff by taking laxatives to make up for yesterday and so that the effects will happen before I go back to sleep tonight [|)]. Plus I took Xenical because I panicked at how many calories are in the laxatives.
Now just want to sleep again[Duh!]
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hi Karen,
Just sending more (((((hugs))))) your way so that they don't run out.
I do hope you can eat something later today. You really don't need to be worrying about calories in laxatives, any calorific value would be so negligable and you hardly get any calories right now as it is. I wish I could convince you to stop taking these, at least to cut down a bit, I dread to think what this is doing to your poor body and as for what those diet pills are doing [:O]. I know you don't care what happens to you but I care about you and don't want you to get really ill sis. You're too special for that and mean so much to so many of us.
Still thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for the hugs. They are always welcome and needed.
I will try to eat something later but want to hold out as long as possible.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You really don't need to be worrying about calories in laxatives, any calorific value would be so negligable</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes but these are chocolate flavour so there must be some calories. I use them because its easier than swallowing laxative pills which are always so big [:O].
Want to Google now to find out calorie content [Oops!].
I know you care sis and I don't want to be taking these diet pills either but until I stop bingeing and lose weight again I need to use them. I don't understand why the clinic cannot see how distressed I am that I've resorted to this.
Thanks for caring sis.
Karen xx
((((((KAREN)))))))
Well we can see how distressed you are and the bottom line is that you are the one who will make yourself better and, Karen...
YOU WILL
You will find the right tools and the right help because you are so intelligent and intuitive and aware. At the moment you have become swamped by your emotions and have resorted to behaviour you have used in the past which you know won't help in the long run, but you were so exhausted and frustrated by what was happening at the clinic. You will climb back up from here and next time you will go even further in the right direction.
Please please try not to make yourself too ill while you cope with this wave.... you need every bit of strength you can get.
I am thinking about you and we all need you to hang in there and take care of yourself as much as you possibly can....
Spring is coming, you will get to walk in the sun and feel positive and happy again - you WILL come to Brighton and meet up and have tea with me, maybe on the lawns if it's a nice day :D:D:D
Take care hun
loads and loads of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Sending you a whopper hug
(((((((((((((K)))))))))))))))
Need to go up and have a bath now - feeling fuzzy headed again.
Lots of special squeezes.
Piglet :):):):)
Hi Fee and Piglet.
Thanks for your support. I don't know how you put up with me sometimes.
Piglet: I hope the cold goes soon and you feel better. I'm going to be paranoid about picking up germs until after my operation [:I].
Well, have been Googling for these laxatives but no calorie information and I've taken so many of them today that I am panicking I've consumed loads of calories. Have had 2 rice cakes (28 cals) other than this and taken 2 Xenical pills already. Am sure I will be very ill later.
Think I need to find a different laxative to take because I can't be sure how many calories in these ones. Need to go back to the pills but want small ones that are easy to swallow.
All I've done all day is stay in bed and sleep. But I suppose that's not surprising as I took 3 sleeping pills last night and then another 2 when I woke this morning so I wouldn't have to face the day. I still want to sleep but really need to get up and wash my hair before tomorrow. I can't really be bothered as it takes about an hour to dry and straighten it afterwards - but it really does look a mess as it's over a week since I washed it last (very disgusting I know [:I]).
I've been better about K recently but today has thrown me as it has been a long time since she hasn't written on a weekend day, plus I've seen her online a few times. So now I am feeling upset about that too :(.
Should I forget about my hair and just go back to sleep, or get up and do it? I know I'll feel embarrassed tomorrow if I haven't done it but I don't have the energyn and look so disgusting anyway I am not sure I even care.
Fee:
I don't want to make myself ill although I know I am doing this with all these pills. I just want to lose weight and feel happier about the way I look again.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Spring is coming, you will get to walk in the sun and feel positive and happy again - you WILL come to Brighton and meet up and have tea with me, maybe on the lawns if it's a nice day :D:D:D</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hmm... tea only. I don't do food - at least I don't want to. I am so caught up in this eating disorder that I even worry about drinking tea now because I'd only use skimmed milk myself [Duh!].
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
More big (((((hugs))))) sis.
I hope you managed to do your hair, it may make you feel better.
I really wish I could say something to help, all the different pills you take scares me to be honest. Maybe trying to use different laxatives would be good, not because of the calorie content, but then you may not use so many if they don't taste of chocolate. I was reading an article on what laxatives can do to the body earlier and it was not pleasant reading at all [:O]. Even with the laxatives and rice cakes I doubt you will have had more than 100 calories at the most, this is nothing and you need far more than this, sorry but you do. What you are currently doing is not even going to make you lose weight anyway. Sorry to sound harsh, I'm just desperate to help somehow and I don't know how.
Anyway I hope you're not too ill and that you sleep well tonight and have a good day at the clinic tomorrow.
Lisa x
Agree with Lis hun - tablets sound so scary and so does the 100 calories thing.
Really tuned in to say goodnight and give you another hug - feel a bit spaced out with this cold but want you know I am thinkin about you.:)
Love Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Night sis, big hugs and still thinking of you.
I hope my earlier post doesn't upset you, I wasn't trying to have a go at you by the way, all I say is because I care alot.
Sleep well,
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa and Piglet
Thanks for the hugs. I definitely feel like I need them at present. The second lot of laxatives wasn't such a good idea and I took them too late in the day so I am still up now with stomach cramps and diarrhoea. I guess tomorrow is another day I am going to be very tired.
Piglet: I really appreciate you posting here when you are not feeling well yourself. (((((HUGS))))) hun. Hope you feel better soon.
Lisa: You didn't offend me honestly. I was about to reply to your earlier post when the effects of the laxatives kicked in, plus I did wash my hair and was trying to dry and straighten it (in between rushing to the loo [xx(]). Then I still had to fill in my food diaries. I really should do them daily but as no one reads them it seems a pointless exercise and I end up with several days to complete in one go. Plus Julia wanted me to note down some thoughts each day for them to read and I had to finish that too [Sigh...]. That's what I get for leaving it all to the last minute.
I do understand why all these pills I am taking are causing concern and I wish I could stop too. But all the time I keep bingeing I need to try to counteract the effects with the diet pills and laxatives. Plus I believe I deserve to be ill.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Even with the laxatives and rice cakes I doubt you will have had more than 100 calories at the most, this is nothing and you need far more than this, sorry but you do.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Well I think I've consumed far more that 100 calories. The rice cakes are 14 cals each (I had 4) and then I had an apple. But what I can't account for are the laxatives because I can't find any calorie information on them. I think I'll have to go back to tablets but I'll still take the same amount. It is just that the pills give me indigestion on top of causing diarrhoea.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">What you are currently doing is not even going to make you lose weight anyway.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Restricting my intake will because that's how I lost weight last time. I know the laxatives don't help with weight loss but I had no need for them in such high quantities when I was able to restrict consistently. The Xenical should help weight loss.
Sorry, I know you are trying to help but I am desperate to lose weight.
Karen xx
Hi Karen hun - hope you got more sleep than me!!
Loads of love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Fee
I don't know how much sleep you managed to get but I only had about 2 hours. Didn't fall asleep until at least 3.30am and was woken with stomach pains again at 6.15am. So I am very tired [|)] and still feel ill [xx(].
Maybe I overdid the laxatives a bit yesterday but I don't care because in my mind I deserve to be ill after eating so much on Saturday. I am so annoyed with myself because just perhaps I might have started losing some weight by now if I hadn't binged again.
So - new week and new resolutions. Somehow, and I don't know how yet, but I have to get through this week without bingeing. If that means making myself feel constantly ill with all these pills then so be it.
In fact I think if I could stay at home and avoid going to the clinic I'd have a greater chance of success because I can knock myself out with sleeping pills and therefore not eat much - just like yesterday.
Just want to go back to sleep now actually and I am so so depressed about my weight that I don't want to go anywhere. If I was getting some help it might be different but I just get worse.
Just want today to be over so I can sleep and block it all out :(.
Karen xx
hey karen-
just wanted to send u a huge hug- squeeze!!!!! yet again cant think of anything to say, except im thinkn bout you!!!
just wonderin- since u want to lose weight and theres nothin we can say to stop you wantin too- have you tryed a proper diet- like not just starvin u but like slimmin world or weigh****chers!! that way u can lose weight in a healthy way!! im am sooo worried about u takin so many laxatives and pills!!! we need to get u back into positive mind!!! hope your feelin better!!
Ammegxxxxx
Hi Karen,
Big (((((hugs))))) sis, thinking of you still.
Wish I could think of something to say really, I just hope you're having a good day and feeling a bit better for being out and seeing a few people.
It really worries me too what you're doing with all these pills/laxatives and to see you spiralling back into this eating disorder. You seem to be getting a bit delusional again and I hate seeing you like this, although I know you can't help it and don't want to be like it. You don't deserve punishment, do not need to lose weight or keep taking these pills, I do understand that you can't see this but I feel so frustrated that I can't do or say anything to help you.
I really wish there was some more help out there, as there must be somewhere. I hope you at least get to talk to Becky this week and that Julia has talked to her or that your doctor has.
Hang in thtere, still here for you.
Lisa x
Are you at the clinic today??????
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen
Hope you are ok... I'm having a bad day today - hope you made it to the clinic and got somewhere..
Thinking of you ((((KAREN))))
Loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you for all the messages;
Piglet: Yes I was at the clinic today. How is your cold today?
Fee: Sorry you're having a bad day. I hope things are a little better this evening.
Ammeg: Thanks for your good wishes.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">just wonderin- since u want to lose weight and theres nothin we can say to stop you wantin too- have you tryed a proper diet- like not just starvin u but like slimmin world or weigh****chers!!<div align="right">Originally posted by Ammeg - 10 April 2006 : 09:15:27</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Those diets involve eating too many calories though and it is more than just wanting to lose weight. I am having real problems with being able to eat anything other than my safe foods again.
Lisa: Thanks sis. I am sorry I am causing so much concern. Maybe I am delusional again but it all makes perfect sense to me. If I can stop bingeing then I can stop the pills and cut back on laxatives. But to do that I need to restrict food again and be able to do so consistently so I can lose weight.
I’ve been very withdrawn again today and at lunchtime I went to sit in the lounge on my own (while everyone was eating) and avoided having anything to eat. I was very tired and crashed out in a chair, listening to The Carpenters on an MP3 player, and half dozing. No one mentioned that I’d not been in the dining room, or that I’d not eaten, so I don’t know if anyone actually noticed or not.
After lunch and the rest break Becky did ask to see me for a minute. I only had about 15 minutes with her because they are still short staffed. At least this time I was able to talk about the struggles I am having with bingeing and purging, and about the negative image I have of myself. She said I am underweight; however this isn’t true because a BMI of 20 is in the normal range. When I mentioned this she said 'that’s good'. I don’t think it is and I said that to her.
She asked if I am actively trying to lose weight and what weight I want to be, so I told her I am and that I want to be 6st again. She wanted to know why and I said it is because I felt happier about myself then and when restricting I felt in control and successful. So Becky asked if I see anorexia as being in control and bulimia as being out of control, which is it basically. I wasn't taking so many laxatives and pills when I was anorexic.
I said I wanted to come home and sleep so I could avoid thinking about food and avoid eating. I explained I had tried to get back on track by having breakfast and eating regularly throughout the day though eating triggers the binge urges, and that’s how I ended up bingeing all day on Saturday. The only way I can control myself is to avoid eating until the evening because I then find it easier to keep to my restricted diet. I also explained that it is safer for me to sleep during the day when at home all day, or to sleep for the early part of the evening after being at the clinic because I am not likely to go out late at night to buy food. She said she had noticed I had been asleep at lunchtime, although this wasn’t proper sleep.
My task to do for Thursday is to go to the beach and find five pebbles, one which represents me, and then one each for Dad, Mum and my two brothers. Hmm what’s this all about [:O]? I know I have an active imagination, yet I don’t think my imagination runs this far. I’m a bit mystified.
On one hand I want to pick out the fattest looking pebble I can find to represent me, as this is how I see myself. On the other hand though I think my pebble should be small, unattractive looking and with lots of flaws, when the ones for the rest of my family should be perfect, because I still feel like the black sheep of the family and the one who is not good enough.
Hi Karen,
Just a quick hug for now as I keep vomiting, feeling so ill, shivery, very faint and clammy and scared, sorry I'm no use right now, need to lie down again or be sick again I think [xx(]
Thinking of you,
Lisa x
Hi Karen,
Sorry to hear you're still having a tough time. You have a good understanding of what you are feeling and why and it is a shame that you were able to explain it so clearly to Becky but got nothing back.
I think the pebble activity will be a good one for you. She obviously wants to know how you see yourself in relation to your family. I would say go with your initial instincts, don't give it too much thought. I'm sure you will be able to explain your choices anyway and this is the root of what she wants anyway.
I had to do something similar once at work with the contents of my handbag! We were asked to make a model of the school using the contents of our bags which included representations of us, others in school and the school itself. Anyway I did it on my gut feeling which at that time (as a newly qualified teacher) was my purse as the school, a £5 note the head, £2 coin the deputy etc until I was represented as 1p the furthest distance from the school. Lots of others did it on what they thought the woman wanted us to do and when asked to explain it was obvious they had the wrong end of the stick. I explained mine only to my friend who said I was very honest and she wished she had done the same.
Just doing the excercise helped me realise a few things about myself. Maybe this is the process she wants you to go through. It is less about pebbles and more about your impressions of yourself (what's that called - self image??).
Anyway, hope you are feeling a little better soon.
Tammy x
Hi Lisa
Just posted on your thread. Hope you are feeling better soon.
Hi Tammy
Thanks for your reply. I am struggling so much at the moment and I think they are beginning to take notice but I still need more help with the eating problems rather than all the focus on my past.
Another problem is that there are still severe staff shortages and things are likely to get worse, as apparently several new patients were being assessed today.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">She obviously wants to know how you see yourself in relation to your family... It is less about pebbles and more about your impressions of yourself (what's that called - self image??).
<div align="right">Originally posted by tammyg - 10 April 2006 : 21:08:23</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I realise that and know this is a symbolic way of getting me to look at my relationships with my family and my part in the family. But I just wonder how helpful this is going to be at a time when I feel so low that I can't really cope with dealing with past issues. It is hard enough getting through each day at present.
Feeling ill again now, which I know is my own fault. I am also so tired but waiting for K.
Karen xx
(((KAREN)))
Well done for going today and getting through it and for talking to Becky - that's all brilliant.
I don't think you're delusional at all, you are just resorting to behaviour you have used to feel in control in the past because you have opened the door to some of your feelings and that big old wave has come over you. Restricting is not the worst thing you can do by a long chalk but you must not allow yourself to believe it is good to do it in an abusive way - those are the thoughts you have to fight. If you restrict then acknowledge it is a temporary measure and encourage yourself to get as much nourishment as possible. It's the old "if you don't take care of yourself no-one else will" thing - you know you need nourishment in order to feel ok and to think clearly. You also know that BMI is not the only measure that counts.
You have done really really well today - don't indulge the anorexic thoughts, fight them.... if you possibly can and as hard as you can.
I am so pleased you did so well today :D:D:D
I know you feel lousy but you will get there - the pebbles exercise sounds good.
We're both pretty smart really but it's putting the hard work in and keeping on and on fighting the negative thoughts that will pay off in the end....
Tea is waiting for you when you're ready!
I hopeyou sleep well tonight hun
Loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Fee. I think I did a lot of avoidance today though. I avoided eating lunch. I dozed at lunchtime so no one would disturb me and I didn't open up in the group session this morning as I could've done, particularly when the other two patients there were talking so freely about how they are feeling.
I was hoping to be asleep by now as I have to leave early tomorrow to go to my doctor's surgery for a blood test before going to the clinic. But because I took laxatives and the diet pills again I am now taking my punishment with tummy cramps and diarrhoea.
Maybe I'll sleep through lunch again tomorrow [8)].
I feel much better when I am restricting than when I binge but I've only managed 2 days so far and then I usually stumble. This time I need to keep going.
Looking forward to meeting up for that tea when we are both up to it.
Karen xx
Another night of disturbed sleep and I still feel shattered this morning. I woke up early and have an appointment for a blood test at 8.30 this morning anyway.
The only thing I can focus on at present though is avoiding eating all day because this seems to be the only way I can stay in control. I avoided bingeing last night, although I did eat more than I wanted to, and although I had the binge urges, these were slightly easier to control because I'd avoided food all day.
If it is nice at lunchtime I might see if I can go out and collect those pebbles from the beach, but the forecast is for rain so don't know if I'll be able to do that. It might have to wait until tomorrow.
My only other strategy is to sleep through lunch (or doze at least) and then they might leave me alone like yesterday.
Hope everyone else is feeling better today.
Karen xx
Morning Karen
What a rotten night again.... I hope you manage to get through today ok and get to go to the beach at lunchtime.
I understand the need to restrict today but please please take care ofyourself.... Do you take any supplements - can't remember if we ever discussed them (I'm a bit dopey this morning!!!).
Yes our tea-meet WILL happen hun!
Thinking of you
loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Morning Karen,
*Yes I realise that and know this is a symbolic way of getting me to look at my relationships with my family and my part in the family.*
Hope you don't think I was being patronising... I knew you would know the point of the exercise but just wanted you to see that sometimes it is the thoughts behind it that help, rather than the thing itself.
Maybe she thinks a lot of your issues now are because of past issues and once you start dealing with these you can start moving on? I don't know.
Sorry again, I should have kept quiet!
Tammy x
hey karen!!
just wanted to post to say hi and see how your doing!! cant think of anything really to say or advice i can give but do know i kinda understand wot your goin through and i am here if you need to talk bout anything!!!
(((((((((((((((((karen))))))))))))))))))))))
Ammegxxxx
Morning,
Only just got up and feel more coldy today so I am gonna just muck about at home doing bits and bobs.
The collecting pebbles sounds lovely - I never need to reason to not do this. My parents used to despair as every holidays I could be seen dragging a bucket load heavier than my body weight up the beach, with massive tantrums if any of my precious collection had to be left behind. Think this is where my love of crystals started actually.
You know even if you choose what you think is an ugly fat one it won't be really - it will still be one of natures beautiful creations just as you are in real life!!!!!
Love Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Just a quick hi as feeling soooo ill and need to rest. Still thinking of you, hope you're ok.
Lisa x
Hello Karen,
Sorry I haven't been on your thread for such a long time, but have been thinking of how you've been getting on.
I don't visit beaches very often, but when you pick the one that represents you, remember the inner beauty it possesses, even though you can't see it.
I'm sorry you have not been doing so well lately, but please keep remembering that steep hill you climbed not so many weeks ago. You may have slipped, but you can reach that point again, and go further.
I know you have the strength to do it.
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi All
Thank you for so many encouraging replies. Unfortunately it has been pouring of rain most of today so I didn't get to the beach for the pebbles. I will need to go tomorrow now instead. I just hope it is dry.
Tammy: Of course I don't think you were being patronising and even though I had already thought that the pebbles suggestion is some kind of symbolic way of looking at myself and also family relationships, it is good to get other opinions.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Sorry again, I should have kept quiet!
<div align="right">Originally posted by tammyg - 11 April 2006 : 10:45:38</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Don't you dare ;)!! You have lots of helpful and valuable things to say and I appreciate the fact that you took the time to post. I am sorry if the way I replied made you believe I didn't appreciate or take on board your suggestions.
Fee: I restricted during the day today because this is the way I can cope with temptations to binge. I have eaten tonight - although not a great deal I will admit. I also admit that I am sticking to a very few safe foods at present but I feel I need to go back to old coping mechanisms to control the bingeing before I can move on again.
Yes, I do take vitamins and supplements, although I doubt these make up for the damaging actions I am taking. Restricting and losing some weight is the only way to get in control of this behaviour again.
Thanks for your text and I hope you've had a good day.
Ammeg: Thanks for thinking of me.
Piglet: Aww sorry you're still suffering with that cold. I must admit to getting rather paranoid about catching a cold at present because I don't want anything to delay my op next week.
Lisa: I really appreciate you taking the time to reply when you've been feeling so ill. Off to check your place in a minute.
Nigel: Didn't do the pebble hunting unfortunately. I have already decided I need 4 similar and good pebbles and one different flawed one because that's how I feel in relation to the rest of my family.
Ray: No need to apologise for not visiting my thread. I do write rather a lot here and I know you've had your own difficulties to contend with. I am struggling at present but hope I can turn things around again. Sometimes it feels so very hard though.
Today has been full of ups and downs. This morning's group session discussed benefits and negative effects of eating disorders, but focused on anorexia so I felt like I didn't belong and on the outside of things. It was another stark reminder of how far I've fallen from when I was in control and restricting eating.
I avoided eating lunch and was worried about being told off by a member of staff but then I realised no one had even noticed. It suits me at present because avoiding eating until the evening helps me control binge urges.
Was weighed today and panicked about that but have lost 2lbs since last Thursday. Tomorrow is going to be a challenge though as I am here alone all day without any distractions and I don't want to throw away all my hard work to start losing some weight.
This afternoon we had another group session, which fewer of us attended and was therefore a bit easier. Julia was asking us all individually about what professional help we have in the community. I panicked when it came to my turn but in the end I did manage to speak quite a lot about my negative experiences with the CMHT.
At that point Julia said she has found it amazing how much progress I have made since first starting at the clinic. She said she recognises how I have gone from looking petrified in each group and looking like I wanted to run from the room, to now being able to talk a bit about myself and my problems. Julia also said that I am mixing with other pat
Have got awful stomach cramps again and I haven't even taken anything tonight [xx(]. I guess this is what comes of abusing laxatives and other pills so that the little I did eat earlier is now causing me a lot of pain.
I am doubled up in bed with a hot water bottle now. Shouldn't have eaten anything :(.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
That was good hearing from Julia that you have done 'amazingly well', and also that you recognise your progress in the social context.
Don't let the fact that the food thing is still unstable get you down. The root cause of that and your social phobia are the same and if you get more confident and in a little more control in one area (the social bit), your ability to control your eating in a healthier way will come easier over time.
I can well understand why you don't always take so well to the staff, as I'm sure your inner mind equate them to the memories of your parents. They are all symbols of authority.
Looks like better weather tomorrow!
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Thanks for your reply Ray.
Pebble searching is the last thing on my mind at the moment but I do need to do it tomorrow if I feel better.
This stomach pain is the worst I've had.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
I think maybe now I have caused myself damage, although I could just be overreacting.
Have severe stomach pain and can hardly move, feel hot and clammy and dizzy when I try to get up. Thought I needed the toilet but haven't passed anything. Can't even pass urine atm.
Did something stupid by taking a Xenical pill as these cause diarrhoea and I thought that might help me feel better. Feel shaky and like I might pass out. Can hardly move.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Karen you must get fluids in you immediately. It is really worrying me that you are taking such terrible risks with your body - it is really frightening. Promise me you will stop with these horrible tablets they are never ever going to make you feel better. Your body needs some nourishment, you need dioralyte - have you got any? You know this because basically you are as ill as Lisa, completely empty of anything that can sustain you and full of chemicals.
I am really worried about you now and feel so helpless.
You can get back from here hun but you have to take care of yourself.
((((((KAREN))))))
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
I've text you and will leave my mob on tonight. Promise to phone a doctor if it gets any worse.
Love Piglet xxx
Sorry to be causing concern.
Fee: The pain started tonight when I hadn't taken any laxatives or the Xenical at that stage. I only took the Xenical because it usually has pretty quick effects of causing diarrhoea which usually relieves any tummy pain, but I know that was a mistake and this pain is different.
I don't have any Dioralyte but am not dehydrated as I drink plenty of water throughout the day, probably a lot more than a lot of people.
I do know the pills are bad news and this is why I keep pleading with the staff at the clinic for help with the bingeing because if I could stop this I would be able to stop the diet pills and wean myself down to the recommended dose of laxatives again. I don't want to cause myself permanent health problems but it is the only way I have of coping with the bingeing.
Today marks day 3 without bingeing - I couldn't even if I wanted to tonight as I've felt so ill [Duh!]. If the pain goes tomorrow though it will be a danger period for me. I need to get control of this and find a weight I feel more comfortable with so I can start to reintroduce some of the more healthy foods I was eating before. But to get there I need to rely on restricting and my safe foods, otherwise I am more likely to feel out of control and binge again.
Piglet: Thanks so much for the texts and encouraging me to phone for help. I couldn't have done it without your support. I know you've stayed up late especially to help me and when you are not feeling too well yourself.
With Piglet's encouragement I phoned NHS Direct, who passed my call to a nurse. When the nurse called back (had to be a man didn't it [Sigh...]) I explained my symptoms and also told him about my eating disorder and the fact I have been abusing laxatives and Xenical diet pills. Because of this he said he was concerned that maybe a doctor should see me tonight and said he'd put a call in to the duty doctor.
I got a phone call from the doctor pretty quickly - I guess it's fairly quiet at this time of night. I went through the whole situation again with him. I don't normally worry about stomach pains because I am used to them but this is different and I can't even move without being in agony, it hurts my tummy when I breathe and I have aching on my right side, right side of my back and even my right shoulder - but this could still be due to the fall I had 2 weeks ago as I've had rib pain ever since.
Anyway, he said he would see me tonight but I'd have to go to the nearest A & E Department which is about 10 miles from here. I obviously can't risk driving and am in great pain even moving in bed, let alone getting out of bed and walking around. When I explained that I live alone and don't have anyone to take me, he just suggested a get a taxi, but I feel like I am going to pass out whenever I get out of bed [xx(]. So he told me to take 2 paracetamol and see how I am tomorrow, or to ring back if I change my mind about getting to the hospital myself.
I can understand that doctors are busy and would not really want to be making house calls at this time of night, but I don't worry about health issues usually and never call the doctor out or make a fuss about pain or symptoms. It is only because I know I could be causing a lot of damage to myself with the laxatives and other pills that I thought it best to get checked out (after some persuasion from Piglet!).
Anyway, now I guess I'll just have to put up with it tonight and hope it isn't anything serious - which it probably isn't. I think my doctor has a surgery tomorrow and although she is probably fully booked I'll ring the surgery in the morning if I am still bad and see if I can get an emergency appointment with her, or speak to her. At least she knows my history and is more likely to take me seriously.
Have just taken my sleeping pill now to try to rest and maybe it is nothing and I'll be fine tomorrow. I have resisted taking any laxatives tonight so as not to make the situation worse.
Sorry again for causing concern. I don't have a death wish, no m
Well I have been awake all night and now finally am feeling tired enough to possibly sleep. However, if I do that I won't be able to ring the doctor's surgery but then I doubt I'll get to see my doctor anyway and don't really want to see any of the others.
I have been Googling [8)]. And now think the problem could be anything from a severe flare up of IBS due to the laxatives, although I've had no diarrhoea which I usually do with IBS. To constipation but then I had diarrhoea Monday night/yesterday morning. Or maybe it could even be something like cystitis, although I've got none of the symptoms apart from the stomach pain which could have many causes, and some delay when I need to pass water.
From that I went onto kidney infection, as the pain and tenderness radiates from my stomach to the right, along the side of my body and certain parts of my back.
But I also experience pain in the right side of my stomach, over my ribs and strangely in my right shoulder when I breathe in.
The painkillers helped slightly but I am still in quite a lot of pain, particularly when going from lying down to sitting up, and when walking around.
I am inclined to think these are just the result of the vast number of laxatives I've taken lately and they will go if I ignore them. I feel embarrassed asking for an emergency appointment when it could be nothing.
So my dilemma:
Do I try to stay awake and ring my GP surgery as soon as they open. Not sure if it's 8.00 or 8.30? It is usually a nightmare getting through first thing in the morning too. And I don't know what to so if they want me to see a different doctor, particularly as it is likely to be a man [Sigh...].
Or shall I just try to sleep now and hope I feel better later?
I will feel really silly if it is something as simple as cystitis when I could just get something from the chemist for that, but then with the Easter weekend coming up I don't want to let something get worse when I could possibly do something about it today.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hi Karen hun
I think it would be good to see the doc if you can possibly manage it today. It does sound like severe IBS - mine has caused extremely bad pain in the past but you should get checked because there are other things like appendicitis (if you still have yours) and when I had mine out the pain stopped when it burst and I had peritonitis so please don't just leave it.
I totally understand you do not have a death wish but you are taking risks and remember as you get older your body gets more vulnerable and things it could handle once it may not cope with again. The two things I have wrong with me - the hernia and the duodenitis could well be a result of the abuse in my 20s. The lining of your stomach could be damaged and it could cause bleeding internally and all sorts of other things.
I hope you manage to get to the Doc and get some help today. This is an awful time for you but I know you can get past it but you need to muster all your strength to fight your way out of it.
It sounded like you were dehydrated last night when you couldn't wee which is what really worried me - and your body must surely be short of all the electrolytes which will cause all sorts of problems... get some dioralyte and something to line your tummy because whatever it is you are definitely not well now.
Take care of yourself hun.... thinking of you
loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
hey karen
how u feelin now?? i think you should def go docs hun! i cant believe that doc didnt come out last nite to see you- they knew you was bad otherwise they wouldnt have put u through! they get paid enough the beepers!!!!! Can u wee today hun?? thats not a good sign, as fee said!!! hope u can get to the docs- let us know how it goes!! be careful now hun, i know u dont have a death wish but im worried bout you!!!
ammegx
Thank you Fee and Ammeg.
I phoned my GP surgery first thing this morning at 8am, as I know my doctor is there today but I didn't expect to be able to see her. However the receptionist went away (to talk to my doctor I think), came back and said my doctor would fit me in between patients if I could get there for 8.30.
To be honest I don't know how I made it. I was moving around a little easier when I first got up but having been out to the surgery and then to find a chemist I could park right outside (as I am doubled over with pain), I am feeling dreadful again.
My doctor is so brilliant. She was quite concerned about the laxative use and when she examined me I've got quite generalised pain, but the worst agonising pain (and actually where I had some aching during the day yesterday but didn't think much of it) was over my gallbladder.
Now I am sure this is nothing to do with laxatives with the gallbladder because I never get pain as bad as this. I haven't even taken any since Monday night and they just cause me a few hours of cramps and diarrhoea and then it passes. This is a constant, sharp pain.
My doctor said it is unusual for someone of my age and size to have inflammation of the gallbladder but it could be an infection. Or it could be part of the effects of the anorexia. I know one of the things she was testing for on my blood tests yesterday was liver function which can affect the gallbladder.
But I have to admit I think this is self-induced and so the pain I am in is my own fault [:I]. Just been Googling gallbladder problems to see if there is a connection with anorexia when I came across information about gallbladder problems (and Jill mentioned gallbladder sensitivity when she used to do acupuncture with me) being made worse by Xenical, which is the diet pill I've been taking this week.
So I don't deserve any sympathy because if this is the case then I've brought this on myself as I didn't care about the health risks, plus taking it with the laxatives too. At least I am too ill to eat now I guess so maybe I will achieve some weight loss after all.
I know I've been stupid and I can't suddenly stop taking all these laxatives and other pills, but I won't taken the Xenical any longer. The information leaflet says it can take up to 3 days to be out of the body completely. So I could have these pains for a few days yet.
My doctor has given me some antibiotics as a precaution and also Mebeverine anti-spasmodic tablets and said to take Paracetamol for pain.
Fee: I do realise I could be doing myself permanent damage and I really don't want to do that, which is why I need to be able to stop bingeing. I've only been taking these high quantity of laxatives, as well as diet pills since the bingeing started and got out of control.
I am going to flush the Xenical away but giving up laxatives is not so easy. If I can continue restricting then I'll be able to wean myself back down so that I only take a maintenance dose to keep my bowels working.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">It sounded like you were dehydrated last night when you couldn't wee which is what really worried me - and your body must surely be short of all the electrolytes which will cause all sorts of problems... get some dioralyte and something to line your tummy because whatever it is you are definitely not well now.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It is a bit late now Fee as I have been out and really can't face going out again. I was in agony when I came out of the doctors - being prodded didn't help [xx(].
I can't really understand how I could be dehydrated as I drink so much water, at least 2 litres a day and often more. I think perhaps just having general tummy pain is affecting me being able to pass urine. If I do have an electrolyte balance I gue
Proud of you last night for phoning Nhs direct - I know this was hard for you but you did it. Well done!!!
Even more pleased to hear you went to the doctors this morning and that you have some antibiotics to take. Now rest up and hopefully get some sleep and maybe you will feel better later.
Love Piglet x
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
karen you do deserve sympathy hun- u have an illness- yes the pain your havin may well be self induced but your not doin it for the fun of it, your doin it coz ur ill and your goin to clinic for help- your tryin!!! Hope you get some sleep hun, glad u went to the docs!!
Ammegxx
Hi Karen,
Catching up with this thread has been a pretty scary read, daren't do my pulse now Lol. Seriously though Karen reading all that was so worrying. Please please please start looking after your body, I am so scraed what all these pills/laxatives and starving is doing to you. I am however very pleased to see that your doctor has checked you out today and that you are going to flush the xenical pills away, well done for that. Please don't replace them with any other diet pills. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I care and worry about you sis.
You may not be dehydrated but having diorrhoea every day can really upset the electrolyte balance, even if you do drink water. The gallbladder stuff sounds scary but hopefully it will settle after the xenical is out of your system.
I do realise you don't want to be/feel like this though and you did really well to phone NHS direct.
Hope you have a good rest this afternoon.
Thinking of you,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Thinking of you Karen.
I know these are hard times for you, but you are strong and we are all here for you.
Take Care and rest,
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Karen
Well done for getting to the Doc and flushing those nasty tablets away:D Hopefully you will start to feel better soon and I am so glad your Doc is checking you out.
Of course you deserve and have our sympathy and you must must must NOT beat yourself up... you have a disorder that is making you do things that are so so bad for you and you are confused at the moment. I know there is no shortcut to getting better but you know that there is only one route and that is dealing with the feelings that create this disorder and then riding them... I understand that for you it is easier to deal with physical symptoms than your emotions - it's the same for me exept that I don't do it to myself in an obvious way - I just manifest physical ailments. I can't help it and neither can you - we just have to keep working very very hard to confront the pain that has brought us here and to take very very good care of ourselves - because at the end of the day no-one else can.
I'm off to take mum to Doc's now - hope you get some sleep
loads of love n hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi everyone.
I am really overwhelmed by the message of support, particularly, as I suspected, I have caused these medical problems myself. I must've had a slightly dodgy gallbladder to start with, as this has come up before although it's not caused me problems before. The Xenical which works to block fat absorption obviously tipped me over the edge, particularly on top of the laxatives I've been using.
Really I should take the Xenical to a chemist to dispose of but am too embarrassed really and just want to get rid of them while I can still feel the effects of what taking these pills has done to me. I didn't realise gallbladder problems could cause pain in the right shoulder and between the shoulder blades too because that's something else I have been experiencing since last night.
Anyway, I can't undo what I've done and I'll just have to wait for the symptoms to pass. As I hadn't eaten anything since the rice cakes, plum and a cereal bar last night, I though I'd try a piece of dry toast but gave up on that as it caused worsening pain again.
Looking on the bright side, I guess I now have a valid reason to tell the clinic that my body can't tolerate high fat foods, as the information I've read suggests it would've been struggling to digest these before I even started the diet pills.
If I am well enough to go to the clinic tomorrow, I am going to try to be assertive and say to Becky that I would rather spend our session trying to formulate useful ways to avoid bingeing and to cope with the food obsessing. I know she wants to do this pebbles thing - and K is itching to know what Becky has planned for this, but I only resorted to Xenical in the first place because I was so distressed about my weight gain and the bingeing.
Like you say Fee, I know I do need to face up to and deal with the reasons behind my eating problems, but I need to get some kind of control and balance back first. I got to the stage where I was bingeing 4 out of 7 days, and now since Sunday I've gone to the other extreme of severe restriction with a few safe foods. I don't think I can get anywhere with dealing with past issues whilst my head is so caught up in the food obsession and trying to avoid eating at all costs.
Ray and Ammeg: Thanks for your kind comments and support. I'll recover from this physical blip but need to get on top of the emotional stuff again.
Lisa: Thanks for replying.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Catching up with this thread has been a pretty scary read, daren't do my pulse now Lol. Seriously though Karen reading all that was so worrying. Please please please start looking after your body, I am so scraed what all these pills/laxatives and starving is doing to you.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I was writing a warning to you on your thread not to read mine today as I knew it would be hard for you. Sorry you didn't read it before coming here and reading this.
I am ok - in pain but ok. I realise I am causing you concern and I don't want to be on laxatives or diet pills either, but bingeing and purging becomes a vicious circle that is hard to break free from. That's what I am screaming at the clinic for help with and maybe if I am well enough to go tomorrow, and Becky learns what has happened she might take my distress more seriously and help me address these more immediate issues first.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You may not be dehydrated but having diorrhoea every day can really upset the electrolyte balance, even if you do drink water.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes,
No probs - we all feel like that in the wee small hours sometimes.
I think you sound so much more determind now and I am so glad you are going to chuck the X tablets. That little body of yours, bless it, keeps on going - give it a hug and promise to treat it kindly as you haven't got a spare!!!!
Big hugs mate - this was a blip with a little lesson attached which I think you duly noted. Lecture over!!!
Big hugs.:):)
Your mate Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
I am feeling more determined now because in spite of the fact it might appear that I am wallowing in my problems and not making any changes, I am desperate for help to get better.
The desperation turns to distress when my cries for help fall on deaf ears and that's when I return to old patterns and behaviours that are detrimental to my health.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Big hugs mate - this was a blip with a little lesson attached which I think you duly noted. Lecture over!!!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 12 April 2006 : 13:47:04</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Not fully learnt as I am not able to give up the laxatives yet, for example, but I am not taking them at present as I'm not able to eat.
I think you firmly put me in my place there Piglet ;) !
Off for some sleep now [|)].
Karen xx
hi karen chicklet!
Well done for getting your head a bit sorted... Obviously you can't just stop doing all the things you have been doing and need to get yourself stable to deal with the emotions.... but we all know how hard you have been working and how determined you have been to get the help you need and that's why we know you WILL get there with time:D:D
I hope you are sleeping and when you wake your tummy is better enough for you to start eating just a little and get some strength back....
When will you get your blood results?
Take care hun - wrap yourself in cotton wool, you are very precious.
Loads and loads of love
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hugs sis,
Thinking of you and hope you feel better after some sleep.
Lisa x
Night night mate!!!
Grand designs was good wasnt it - I live in a barn like that (NOT)!!!
Love Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Hope you're ok and feeling better tonight.
Night sis,
Lisa x
Hi Karen
hope you're feeling better tonight... thinking of you.
loads of love n hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(Piglet Grand Designs looked fab but my friend was on the phone the whole way through it lol!! I want that barn.....)xxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Fee, Lisa, Piglet and Nigel.
I slept until about 7.30 and have been lying in bed - most comfortable position - trying to type which is not easy [Duh!].
Felt a little better when I woke until I tried to eat a couple of rice cakes with marmite. My tummy is grumbling because I've hardly eaten anything in the past 2 days but can't find anything (and don't have anything in the flat) which I can eat without the pain getting worse. This is one way to lose weight I guess [8)].
Have had my first day of antibiotics (although I don't think they will do much if it was the Xenical diet pills which caused the problem). The antispasmodics help a little and the painkillers. I should've bought some plain Paracetamol while I was out earlier though as the painkillers I have also contain Aspirin and I'm not too sure that's very good for my stomach, particularly when not eating.
I want to make it to the clinic tomorrow but am not sure I will be up to it.
Fee: It will be next week until the blood results are back, particularly with Easter in the middle.
Thank you again for the supportive messages.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Glad you're feleing a little better now. I hope you feel better still tomorrow and able to go to the clinic.
Aspirin probably isn't a good idea as it can irritate the stomach sometimes.
Anyway still thinking of you and hope you sleep well.
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
I thought that about the painkillers but I only have the combined Paracetamol/Aspirin ones at present. If I am feeling a bit better tomorrow I'll get some Paracetamol instead.
I am going to try to get some more sleep in case I feel up to making it to the clinic tomorrow but I am not sure how realistic this is. I'll have to see how I am when I wake up in the morning.
If I am still feeling very ropey I might see if I can just go over for my individual session with Becky in the afternoon, because I'll miss next week's too if I am fit enough for my op and it is a long time in between otherwise.
Wish I knew what is least likely to cause pain when I eat. The rice cakes even left me in worse pain. The temptation is to avoid eating altogether but I know that's not good from my eating disorder point of view.
Night sis and thanks again.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope you do sleep and make the clinic, even going in to see Becky in the afternoon sounds good.
Will reply more tomorrw, so tired I'm almost swaying and have no idea what I'm saying really.
Night sis,
Lisa x
Me too. I'm calling it a night also.
Catch up again tomorrow.
Karen xx
Morning karen
I hope you feel a little better this morning and at least manage to see Becky today.
It must be very hard to know what to eat - I don't know exactly what things you find least threatening but rice cakes.. yuk!!! (sorry that's not apropriate lol!!). The trouble is you have to eat something for it to settle and i know dairy stuff (which is what works for me) might not be a good idea. Can you handle thin soup?
Another new day, another new start for all of us:D Fingers crossed for you that things can turn round soon.
Thinking of you
loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Morning Fee
I am still in pain this morning and my tummy is making loads of gugling sounds but I don't know what to eat (as far as gallbladder problems are concerned - it seems to be to avoid fat - does that include diary?), or what I could tolerate eating with my eating disorder. I kind of like the fact that being ill and unable to eat much could lead to weight loss and it is certainly preventing me from bingeing.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The trouble is you have to eat something for it to settle and i know dairy stuff (which is what works for me) might not be a good idea. Can you handle thin soup?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I really dislike soup though and most of my safe foods are fruit, which I am not sure is a good idea.
I am up, bathed and dressed and am going to make an effort to get to the clinic, and I can always come home if I feel too ill. Need to pick up some Paracetamol too.
Still in some pain and I am not entirely sure it is a sensible idea to be going in. I feel most comfortable lying down and I need my hot water bottle for my tummy. Wonder if they have any there?
Might be home early today if I feel too bad.
Thanks Aunty Fee.
Karen xx
If you do go out today - what about the baby bananas???
Piglet xxxxxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Still thinking of you.
Hope you're ok.
Lisa x
hey karen,
as lj said
still thinkin of u!! and hope your ok!! cant think of anything else to say hun!!!
Ammegxx
Hi Karen,
Sorry to hear you have been so poorly the last few days. I hope you start feeling much better soon.
It is great you are still going out but I hope you haven't pushed yourself too much if you are unwell.
Hope you got on ok today.
Take good care of yourself.
Tammy x
Thanks for all the replies.
I wish I knew what to say but at the moment I've come home feeling so low that maybe I would've been better staying home.
My stomach was still very bad this morning and I had trouble staying awake and concentrating on the session, so I had a rest sprawled out on the sofa in the lounge at lunch. I was on my own most of the time.
I did speak to Julia about what happened the other night, mainly because she said I don't look well and it is becoming more noticeable each time I attend, and she realises I am struggling. I asked her if she had anything I could work on to help get back in control of eating, ie to stop bingeing and she's kindly given me some reading material and questions to work on over the weekend.
As for my session with Becky, I don't know what to say. I feel like she's not listening half the time and although I wanted to focus the session on dealing with the problems I am having with food control, she still managed to turn this back to wanting to go through every aspect of my childhood [Sigh...]. Then she said she senses I am holding back and not making full use of the sessions, so looks like it is my fault again [B)].
She is a fully qualified nurse and a counsellor and yet didn't know that Xenical is one of the two most prescribed diet medications, even though I told her I had been taking it several times before. She said to dial 999 and get an ambulance if it happens again [:O]. I don't think so. I didn't need an ambulance or to take resources from people in genuine need. Besides I've dumped these pills so it's not likely to happen again. She even asked me if I want to a physical crisis to happen - well certainly not one I'd survive, no.
Becky then said I seem very depressed and that this appears to be getting worse, which I have also been saying. Now she's talking about psychiatrists and antidepressants and I am not going there.
So, I left the clinic feeling even more depressed than before and feeling a failure for not making more progress in the sessions. And then I had to face the supermarket. Piglet - yes I did get some baby bananas but do you know how many calories are in one baby banana [:O]???
I felt dread as I went into the supermarket and almost came out with chocolate. In fact, I had an easter egg in my basket but then put it back on the shelf again.
This is hopeless and I am never going to get any better. I feel trapped and like I am destined to remain depressed for the rest of my life. Sorry, I am feeling very low and stuck back in that black hole again. I think these counselling sessions cause me to feel worse.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're feeling so low. Well done for going today though.
I'm glad Julia was helpful at least and I am glad they are at least noticing you are down and look ill, taken them long enough mind you!
I'm not sure going over and over your childhood is helping you, well it isn't right now is it. I suppose it's because she thinks your childhood is part of the reason for how you cope now, but if she is going to drag up these emotions you need to be able to deal with them. Right now you need ways to cope with other things like bingeing, regardless of what causes it! The other stuff can be worked on later. You were NOT a failure in the session, if anything she failed you by not helping with what you needed!
Maybe you'd be better off talking about your childhood under hypnosis or some other technique rather than how she does it.
Seeing a psychiatrist may be ok if you can give it a go, if it's one at the clinic and not the CMHT of course. She/he may be much better qualified than Becky in these things anyway! Don't dismiss it just yet.
I know you feel hopeless right now, but it doesn't mean it wil always be.
Try and look after yourself and eat that baby banana - all of it [:O]. I do know how many calories they contain too and it's not many. Bananas contain lots of potassium and are good for anyone that's had alot of diorrhoea recently.
Sorry I can't say much to help, feel a bit too ill and emotionally unstable myself to be able to say much that's any use. Still thinking of you though.
I hope this posts, been trying to post this reply for about 15 mins,keeps timing out.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for replying, particularly when you are struggling yourself right now.
I don't feel in the right frame of mind to keep going over childhood stuff when I need help with stuff happening now. It just feels like she doesn't really listen or remember what I've said before and asks me the same questions over and over.
The idea of therapy is not to come away feeling worse each time and that's what is happening at the moment. She asked whether I'd be seeing my family over easter when she knows I don't have contact with them.
She also asks me for information that I know is in my file. I wondered whether I should just write her out a life history and then maybe we can move on from there.
I don't want to see the psychiatrist Lisa as that would just be about medication and I won't take antidepressants.
I've already had a sandwich for tea tonight and a yoghurt and now have tummy ache again.
I am soooo tired too and have been all day.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I understand you not wanting to keep going over your childhood, fair enough at the moment. Very insensitive what she said about Easter too!
Maybe you should write her a life history, but knowing her she wouldn't read it! I can understand your frustration with her.
I understand about antidepressants too, I wouldn't want them either, I didn't realise the psychiatrist appt would only be to talk meds, I thought maybe you would be able to talk to him/her about things aswell.
Well done for eating something. I hope your tummy doesn't feel too bad.
I hope you sleep well sis,
Night night,
Lisa x
Thanks sis.
Going to have a nap but too early to sleep yet.
You're right - she wouldn't read it!
Karen xx
Night sis,
Nap well and then sleep well then :)
Lisa x
Thanks sis.
Don't want to be conscious but want to go to bed late so I can sleep in late tomorrow. Just have no motivation to do anything and no hope that I'll ever feel any better.
It seems nothing gives me hope for the future but I feel very guilty and selfish for saying that:(.
Am on the laxatives again tonight too as well [Sigh...].
Karen xx
Hugs sis,
Hope you're fast asleep now.
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa. Unfortunately not.
Having binge thoughts again now my stomach is settling and actually want to cause myself that severe pain again so I don't eat.
Can't cope with this eating disorder any longer. Everything except fruit and rice cakes is now consigned to the bin again.
Karen xx
Oh Karen, sorry it is all so hard at the moment.
How are you feeling today? It is such a shame no one realises how bad you are feeling again. Maybe you could go back to the doctors? Like you said, at least they know your history there.
Take care.
Tammy x
hey karen
sorry to hear you were feeling bad yesterday! how r u 2day?? when you talk about taking laxatives, how many do you take?? very very concerned bout you!!!! Becky sounds useless!! how dare she make you feel bad!!!! do bananas have calories??? i didnt think fruit had any- wot about grapes??? Sorry just wanted to ask!! has your tummy settled now?? Did you get a good sleep babe??
Hope your feelin better!!!
Ammegxxxx
Thanks for the replies. Am very fed up this morning. I took 3 sleeping pills last night so I would be able to sleep in late today (I hoped [8)]) but still woke before 9am.
Now feeling desperate again at the next four days stretching ahead with nothing to keep me occupied, or at least not occupied enough to distract me from binge obsessing. Can't go out to shops because too amany temptations and feel so alone.
Now I want to take more sleeping pills to pass the day and stop thinking about food. God I am so bad and pathetic for not being to control myself or stop thinking about food all the time [V].
Tammy: Thanks for your messag. There is no really anything my doctor can do apart from looking after my physical health. She does what she can and listens but says herself she doesn't have the experience to deal with the psychological stuff.
Ammeg: Feeling very low again and all I can see are the hours stretching ahead that I don't want to focus on or be conscious for.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">when you talk about taking laxatives, how many do you take?? very very concerned bout you!!!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Sorry to cause concern. The number of laxatives varies. Only took 10 last night which is a low amount for me. Most often I have increased to about 30 now and it gets worse when I give in and binge.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">do bananas have calories??? i didnt think fruit had any- wot about grapes???<div align="right">Originally posted by Ammeg - 14 April 2006 : 09:07:18</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes all fruit has calories. I bought the small bananas (usually called fun sized or children's portion) as they are 95 cals per 100g and when I weighed them most were over 100g. Other fruit statistics:
Per 100g
Apples - 47 cals
Cherries - 50 cals
Grapes - 60 cals
Peach - 30 cals
Pineapple - 40 cals
Plums - 39 cals
Pears - 40 cals
Raspberries - 24 cals
Strawberries - 25 cals
These were just a few I found doing a quick search. These are per 100g and not each fruit, so I always go for very small apples etc.
Just thinkin about all this is sending me into a spin again. Need to sleep so I don't eat. Or actually want the pills that made me ill so I couldn't eat :(
Karen xx
Morning mate,
Did a long post late last night bout 11.30 ish and then lost connection to the server and it went - too flippin tired to reconnect so text you and went to bed. Not sure if you got that either.
When are you next back at the clinic??
Love Piglet
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Sorry Karen i have prob just made you feel worse!! Sorry!!
Ammegx
Hi Piglet
The site was playing up a bit last night and was timing out. I did get your text but not until much later so didn't reply in case your phone was on and didn't want to wake you [|)].
How is your cold today? Are you feeling any better.
I'm not back at the clinic until Tuesday now.
Now feeling worse
And I didn't think that was possible. Just shows trying to cope by sleeping doesn't always help either, probably made worse by the fact I took another sleeping pill so I could sleep [Duh!]. Didn't even allow me to sleep for that long.
I've had some awful nightmares and the worst bit is that I woke up believing the last one was true and had actually happened [:O]. I dreamt a man broke into my flat, walked into my bedroom (waking me up), handed me a piece of paper and said that I owed this huge sum of money. I was confused having just woken and queried it and he said wait for the letter, that he'd taken my car and walked out [:O][:O].
Still in my dream, I stumbled out of bed but couldn't see or focus properly. Everything had been rifled through and moved around and all that was left was a huge pile of junk in the hallway.
I have only just woken up and realised it was a dream and hasn't happened, but it also means I've woken feeling very panicky because it was so vivid and real. Now I am scared someone might break in... stupid I know [Duh!].
So after that I suppose sleeping for longer isn't a good idea, as I don't want another nightmare. I felt depressed and low enough before this and now feel even worse.
I suppose I could find myself stuff to do if I could find the motivation to do any of it. I could go out for a wile and clear my head, but feeling so depressed I don't even want to get out of bed. I know that sounds pathetic.
Just want to hibernate and not wake up until (a) I've gone so long without eating that I don't want to eat any longer (b) I've lost weight and (c) the depression has lifted.
I am letting so many people down at the moment and Idon't know where this is going to end. Anna tried to give me a reality check - in a kind way - yesterday but now I just feel like it's all hopeless. When I try to look to my future there is just blackness, just like a black hole with no end and no way out. I just feel empty.
Sorry to be so negative again. I just really am lost for what to do anymore.
Karen xx
Mate you are not letting anyone down at all.
I too had lots of wierd dreams last night and boy do they feel real in the dark!!
Cold is quite a lot better today thank you - not blowing the old hooter quite so much and don't look quite so pasty either.
Just noticed a light shower - I have my washing out[}:)][}:)][}:)][}:)]
Have you any little goals to set for yourself each day until Tues and the clinic. Mine are to continue with the exposing myself in the front garden for 10 mins everyday[:I]:D:D!!!
Love Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Ammeg - you didn't make me feel worse, honestly. I appreciate your support.
Piglet: Glad you are starting to feel a little better.
My nightmares happened this morning as I was trying to get back to sleep again[:I].
Goals - none really. Sleep - but now I don't want to do that in case I have more nightmares.
I have got some worksheets from Julia to work through and need to go pebble picking at the beach. Might do that in a minutes as it is a dry day.
It's so hard to see the point in any of it at present and I feel like I am merely existing, rather than living and what's the point of that? :(
Karen xx
For now mate just go through the motions!!
Quality of sleep is better than quantity - could you have a look at your coursework??
Todays goal is getting the pebbles then???
Love Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Today's goal is to beat myself up and make myself ill after being weak and pathetic and giving in [B)]:(.
Being totally unconscious is the only way I can manage to avoid eating and that's pretty pathetic. Want to make myself very ill now as punishment [xx(].
Karen xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Today's goal is to beat myself up and make myself ill after being weak and pathetic and giving in [B)]:(.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 14 April 2006 : 16:15:20</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi Karen,
Please don't do that sis, there is no need, you have nothing to be punished for. Be KIND to yourself.
I wish I could be here to help you more, but I'm still feeling so sick, and sat here just makes me feel so queasy. I feel really ill, it's not fun and no one deserves it, especially not you.Please be careful, I really don't want you to get ill like the other night and I worry about you.
Thinking of you.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Grrrr did you really say your goal was to beat yourself up? Huh talk about taking the easy option lol!!!
((((((KAREN))))))
Wish I could be more help for you this weekend but it's no good I haven't got any energy or brain cells.... but I am thinking of you and willing you to take care of yourself in any little way you can....
loads and loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Lisa and Fee.
Lisa: Sorry you are atill feeling ill and I know you are genuinely ill whereas mine is self inflicted. Please don't worry about me. I am just feeling sorry for myself for no good reason [:I].
Fee: Yes, I am taking the easy way out by harming myself instead of facing my problems [Sigh...].
You have far too much to cope with already. Don't worry about me.
Karen xx
Karen,
Ill is ill whatever the cause, what you have is also an illness. Please look after yourself and don't beat yourself up, you're feeling all sorts of emotions, not sorry for yourself. I do worry about you but only as I care about my sis.
(((((Karen))))))
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
In fact, so far the only effect has been that I've been tired and I fell asleep again [|)].
Maybe the Xenical had nothing to do with the pain last time, or perhaps it was the build up and one pill doesn't make any difference.
I am still in self-harm mode because I am so annoyed at myself for being so weak that I've given in again. I feel the need to remove all food from the flat and be locked in here so I can't go out and buy any, just because I can't trust myself [:I].
I know you care sis and that's why I am so sorry that I do things that cause so much worry to you and to others :(.
Karen xx
Karen,
I'm sorry you are feeling so negative at the moment.
We can slip down into our dark holes so rapidly and we see nothing but despair and hopelessness. I have been there too, and also been told that the sun does come out again, but it doesn't have much effect on the mind, does it?
But please bear in mind that when the sun does shine again, it can be quite unexpected. It can be because some kind soul has made a big difference to your mood, or sometimes it something that happens due to your own thinking.
I have really been needing diazapem recently, but I know they're no good to take for any length of time, so I tried to use them sparingly. I have resisted, and somehow I went out this afternoon and felt good, despite having trouble accessing my car in an unfamiliar multi-storey!
I really appreciate that Easter is likely to be hard for you, but we are all still here for you, and I hope we are part of "the point".
Now, what about throwing those laxatives away - they are as bad, or maybe wose than the 'X' pills and you binned them.
Hope you get some good rest tonight,
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Ray
Thank you for replying. I have been thinking quite a lot about these great big black holes I keep falling into and all I come up with is that it is my fault for making the same mistakes time and time again. I get so far with making progress and then it all goes wrong/or I somehow sabotage myself and I am right back where I started again.
I think you did very well today to go out to cope with the car park situation! Resisting the Diazepam is good too.
The problem for me now seems to be that I have abused so many pills of various kinds now that most of the time it hardly bothers me what I am doing to myself. I did get rid of the Xenical (though I found some I'd missed and have now just taken a second one [:I]), and I suppose this is an attempt to get rid of some of the calories I've taken in today, make myself suffer for doing it in the first place and to prove/disprove if this is what caused my pain the other night.
As for the laxatives, I did almost wean myself off them before, but can't do it all the time I am bingeing. It is all part of the eating disorder illness and a need to punish myself and to feel empty, even though I know laxatives make no difference to getting rid of calories.
Easter is I guess the culmination of at least a couple of weeks of a gradual slide back into depression. I keep thinking it is Saturday today and then feel even more despair when I realise it is only Friday.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hi Karen,
Please please please do not take any more xenical, and if you have any left flush/throw them away please. I am so worried for you now. Even if they are not the reason you had so much pain the other night (as don't want that happening to you again tonight or worse), at the very least they are really harmful. Laxatives are really harmful too and can even be toxic to the body but not in the same was as xenical. I hope I'm not coming across as annoyed with you, I'm not, I'm just concerned ok sis and am going to worry about you tonight now. Don't apologise either, I know this is an illness and you're coping in the only way you know and it's not all your fault.
I don't know what else tosay, I just hope you're going to be ok. I really wish I could help more but meant to be resting, I feel so tired and rough but am thinking of you.
I hope you sleep well sis,
Night night,
Lisa x
Oh Karen I wish I could do something else to comfort you. This is a horrible stage you are going through and it is really worrying to hear you being so horrid to yourself. You do NOT deserve punishing you deserve to be cherished and helped and looked after until you feel better....
I don't know what you call bingeing but I get the feeling you think eating anything at all is bingeing again at the moment... you know these thoughts are confused at the moment, you must be so exhausted with all the pain and sadness you are feeling at the moment.
You are not alone - I know it doesn't seem the same, but even if there was someone physically there they couldn't care any more than we do for you, or say anything different... I had a visit from J this evening briefly for a cup of tea but you know it didn't make any difference, in fact I found it hard because I was embarrassed by the shaking and flushing... so in some ways its easier being on my own. He tried so hard to be helpful but he can't help - I have to sort myself out.
I hope you can flick the switch and stop being so hard on yourself soon - I know it's another long holiday - but hey we got through xmas (sorry didn't mean to swear) didn't we? We will get through this too and get back on track, and learn more lessons and make more progress.
Try and treat yourself the way you think someone else in your situation should be treated, with kindness, love and care and I will be thinking of you and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
I hope you get some sleep.
Night night hun
loads of love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Lisa
I know you said not to apologise but I am sorry and I feel bad that you are now worrying about me on top of everything else.
Just so you know, I haven't taken any more tonight but am currently experiencing the effects of the laxatives. I do wish I could stop but I really hate myself so much for bingeing that the only way I can deal with it is by punishing myself in some way, and that's usually with laxatives.
I want off this merry-go-round but until I get in control of the bingeing, I am not able to stop the other behaviours. Maybe I should stop posting about them here though as I don't want to upset anyone. It is just so hard to cope.
Wish I had a time machine and could go back 6 months in time to a point before this started.
I hope you are ok sis.
Karen xx
Hi Fee
Sorry, I seem to be causing concern to everyone and it is the last thing I want to do. I try not to write about these things I am doing to myself on this forum but it is often the only outlet I have and eating disorder forums make me worse.
Although I realise no one else believe I deserve to be punished, I need to do it to myself because it is the only way I can deal with the bingeing. If only I could find a way to stop this I would be able to stop all the other harmful actions with the pills. But I fail every time and give in.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I don't know what you call bingeing but I get the feeling you think eating anything at all is bingeing again at the moment...</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No, this is proper bingeing and I hate myself so very much because I've just ruined the past week of keeping control and actually losing 2lbs in weight. I felt good about that but now I've thrown my progress away again. That's why I deserve to be in pain and to be ill. I deserve all the torment this causes me because it is all my fault.
I really do appreciate the support of you and my other friends here and in that sense I am not alone. I also understand what you are saying about having company not always helping. I guess for me though having someone here would put a stop to the whole cycle. I wouldn't binge if I wasn't alone. In fact, I feel so ashamed of how fat I am that I don't even want to eat when I am with anyone.
There are many people I would not want to see at the moment because I am so ashamed of my size. I want to hide away until I've lost enough weight, so I can feel a bit better about myself and ready to socialise again. Right now I feel like I don't deserve to exist and I certainly don't want to be seen.
I really appreciate your support, particularly when you are going through such a difficult time yourself. I have now dumped all 'bad' food and have only safe foods like fruit and rice cakes here. Now I just need a strategy to prevent me going out and buying more junk food tomorrow. I should be stronger than this.
Night Aunty Fee and thanks again.
Karen xx
Hi sis,
Saw you posted just as I logged off and wanted to know you were ok, glad you are, apart from the laxatives anyway. I do worry about you but I don't want you to feel you can't post here, do please still use this as your outlet still please. I just say what I do out of genuine concern.
You can't blame us for saying how worried we are, to us it sounds horrific to take all those laxatives/pills and I do worry what they are doing to you. I know you won't stop the laxatives until you sort the bingeing but please please no more xenical.
Sorry can't say more, I'm really getting exhausted now so wil say night night.
sleep well sis,
Lisa x
Ok a bit more:
Thinking of you and this:
(((((Karen)))))
Thanks Lisa.
I don't expect anyone to agree with or approve of what I am doing. I don't even want to be doing it.
Just need to be with someone so I don't binge but who also doesn't pressure me to eat and then I know I'd be able to wean off the laxatives again. I just need to be able to break the binge eating pattern and get back on a more even keel with eating and at a weight I am able to feel a bit more comfortable with.
(((Lisa)))
Thank you so much sis. Sleep well.
Karen xx
Hi sis,
I can't agree or approave but I do know you don't enjoy this or want to be doing it. it is part of a disorder so don't beat yourself up ok.
Right must go this time before I dop right here!
Night,
Lisa x
Not feeling so good this morning. I didn't get to sleep until 6 am and yet even after taking 3 sleeping pills (yes, bad, I know [:I] ), I was still awake again at 9am.
I want to sleep the day away so that I don't eat and I am already feeling so low because I am scared of bingeing again and putting more weight on. I hate myself so much for doing that [V].
Yesterday I found those few Xenical pills that I'd missed when throwing the other out and ended up taking some with the sole intention of making myself feel so ill that I wouldn't want to eat today [xx(] .
It's not worked though and apart from taking more sleep medication or Diazepam to knock me out, I don't know how to cope. I know if I stay conscious I'll end up bingeing and purging again :(.
What kind of life is this???? I'm scared to be alone because I cannot even trust myself to eat in a controlled and normal way[Sigh...] I just want a way out :(.
So many long hours ahead... :(
Karen
Hi Karen,
I'm sorry to hear your feeling so bad. I haven't had some of the problems you've had, but I know how it feels to be really low.
I just wanted to say I read some of your posts and am thinking of you. I also wanted to suggest something, how about doing something you enjoy, I'm not sure what you like doing, but I mean something like watching a movie or reading a novel. It's helped to make me feel better in the past when I've done something fun.
Take Care,
Heather
Hi Heather
Thank you for your kind reply and for your suggestions. Actually, that was the plan yesterday, as I bought The Chronicles of Narnia last week and haven't watched it yet. I do agree that lighthearted films can help lift the feelings of depression slightly.
My main problem at the moment is trying to fight the temptations caused by my eating disorder, which I why I really wanted to sleep in late today. I've tried every distraction going and nothing works to stop the compulsion to go and buy food I don't really even want, stuff myself with it and then punish myself in dangerous ways afterwards. I know this must sound really crazy to anyone who hasn't been there themselves [:O].
I can't handle these feelings. I don't want to eat because I want to be the weight I was last year. I feel bad that I ever started eating again and am now in this mess. I even feel disgusted with myself for obsessing about food for every waking moment.
The oblivion of unconsciousness is so appealing, no matter how I manage to achieve it [Sigh...]
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
((((((KAREN))))))
Try and watch the Narnia chronicles and use every distracting technique you can think of... Try not to harm yourself any more... really do get rid of those tablets. This is a horrible cycle you are in and there is only one way out and that's to fight tooth and claw...
You must eat a little or you will just feel worse and worse and I know this is partly your intention - to punish yourself. But you know these are irrational thoughts. You have done NOTHING to deserve punishment.
I wish I could help more. You must stop purgeing, taking pills and you have to somehow learn to deal with the feelings eating creates in you - even if sometimes you binge it's nothing like as bad as the alternatives. I know I am stating the obvious but I feel I have to again - you can't make the feelings go away by losing weight you are just masking them with a feeling of control which is not real, will never be real, no matter how much weight you lose, how much you starve and punish yourself, the feelings will still be there until you go through them.
We all care so much about you Karen and hate seeing you harm yourself. I know how hard it is to keep trying again and again but you have to.
So distract as much as possible today, try and eat as much safe food as you can and let your body and mind have a chance to get perspective back. I do believe that you really binge sometimes but that is the least harmful thing you do. It is not what causes the cycle, it is just part of it. In your mind it is the problem - but that's a mistaken belief - it is just the part you find hardest to deal with because it feels out of control, but purgeing is out of control too, so is taking loads of laxatives and diet pills, and starving yourself. Control, when you have it, is eating little and often, cutting down on the laxatives, trying to deal with your feelings by doing all the exercises, distracting yourself and forgiving yourself when you make mistakes. That control will get you better, enhance your life, bring you more. You must strive for that kind of control until eventually your life improves enough for you to find it more natural....
I hope you don't mind me saying it all but I really feel for the situation you have got into this weekend. Please hun do absolutely everything you can to turn it round - it will be worth it - you ARE worth it....
Will be thinking of you
loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
Sorry you're feeling so low again. I can't say much to help as usual but I completely agree with all that Fee said.
Maybe you can find something to do today, like watch the films. Sorry I can't help more but I'm still exhausted and weak.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Just want to agree with what has been said and to let you know I will be thinking of you this weekend. I know it will be long and hard for you but I am sure you can get through it.
Watching Narnia would be a great way of keeping occupied for a while. You know distraction is the best way and you can do it.
I agree you should try and eat a little something if you are not feeling too bad, only things you feel safe with though. Hope you can manage something and keep drinking lots.
I wish I could do more for you Karen, along with everyone else here. Please don't be so hard on yourself, life is full of ups and downs and you did so well for so long and you WILL get there again.
Please take good care of yourself over the next few days.
Love Tammy xxx
Thanks for all your kind replies. I don't believe I deserve to have such kindness and understanding, when the way I am feeling is basically no own fault.
Lisa: Thank you sis. I appreciate you writing anything when you are so ill yourself.
Tammy: I started to try to watch a different DVD that I've had since Christmas and still not watched last night, but I couldn't concencentrate on it. I'm either obsessively thinking about food and getting into a state trying to avoid eating, or I am bingeing and purging and experiencing everything that goes with that. Now I am just exhausted again.
Fee: Thank you so much and I do know what you say makes perfect sense. It is just so hard when stuck in the middle of all of this and not knowing what to do or how to cope. I feel like my head is about to explode with all the stuff going on in it at present. Either that or I am going to break down completely.
I tried to sleep again and couldn't and then realised I needed to go out to the shop for some indigestion tablets, as I'm nearly out and after throwing almost everything out last night, thought I'd try to get some sensible food.
Got to Tesco and was panicking by that point. The car park was busy, I was feeling not really with it and so just parked furthest away where there were more spaces.
First I went to get my lottery ticket - you never know we could set up our own clinic if the numbers ever came up lol! I picked up a local paper and went to the fruit section. Got a couple of small bananas and some grapes. Already have apples at home. Didn't get any veg as I am not in the frame of mind for cooking.
Next I headed off to get some bread - more panic. They didn't have any of the Nimble bread I normally get, nor any Weight Watchers which would've done instead. So I had to get a small normal loaf and feeling anxious about the calories in that.
I am trying to listen to what you, my dietician and others are saying about eating small amount regularly, but the problem is I have completely lost sight of 'normal' now. Anna and I were discussing this the other day. No portion of food is normal in my eyes now - it's usually too big, unless I am bingeing in which case I hardly register what I am eating.
So I had a lunch dilemma. In the end I bought eggs and milk and thought I could try some scrambled egg on toast. To my relief I found some of the rice cakes I have - well kind of an equivalent as I haven't been able to find the thin ones anywhere this week.
I looked at the yoghurts but didn't want the temptation of a pack of 4 and the ones I have are not sold separately, and all the individual ones didn't inspire me or were too fattening. In the end I bought a small pot of low fat rice pudding, but that's higher in calories than I'd usually have so I'm not sure about that either [Duh!].
Everywhere I looked I was faced with chocolate and Easter eggs, with people racing to grab what's left off the shelves. I am still craving chocolate but don't want to eat it. But I found a kind of compromise with these Cadbury's highlights individual bags of what look like half choc/half biscuit and at 85 cals a bag I thought these might satisfy my craving without going overboard.
I needed a couple of other household things but by now I had stomach cramps and panicked that I needed the toilet right there and then. I didn't know whether to chance going through the checkout and then make a mad dash for it or just abandon my basket in the middle of the store. It was so embarrassing and my panic levels were sky high by now [:I].
Don't know how but got through the checkout, then there was a queue for the toilets so decided it was probably quicker to make a dash for home. Only just made it [:I]. This must be the remainder from the laxatives and Xenical from last night, as I haven't taken anything today - only my prescribed medication.
So after that I unpacked the shopping and sat down for a while, before deciding to have a go at lunch. I prepared one slice of toast and scrambled egg. However, I
Karen that was amazing - you did SO SO WELL!!![8D][8D][8D][8D]
You are very weak and doing anything must have been so exhausting, let alone this weekend, on a Saturday, with all the stuff going on your head.
For goodness sake come back here now and write that you are proud of yourself for getting out there and having a go:D:D:D
This is not all self-inflicted - YOU HAVE A DISORDER... oops shouting again, blame it on me hormones hun! You do not choose to feel like this and you are battling like billy-o to get better and deserve every single tiny drop of support that we can give you, and respect and admiration and pride....
WELL DONE!
I KNOW it doesn't feel like that but surely you can see what a triumph it was for you to think rationally, try eating eggs etc?
Of course it feels horrible - your tummy is so so delicate at the moment. You must be ultra kind to it and go very very gently - just like Lisa for different reasons.... getting tummys to settle down and be comfortable with food again is so hard - look how long it took me after the endoscopy - nearly 10 days before I could eat and feel comfortable and I'm still on a bit of a light diet, nervous of upsetting it again all the time...
I utterly over-awed that you managed it and if there was any justice in the world you would win the lottery tonight! Thing is - as Mark says in his poem - there's not justice - just us and we are all struggling together to get to somewhere better than this and we will do it....
The bottom line is you are now physically unwell and must take great care of yourself. Try again to settle and watch the film. I remember you were doing stuff with your music for a while - is there more you can do on that? Maybe you could messenger me a compilation album (but none of that depressing stuff lol!!!!). I'd offer to send you some but I don't think you'd like my taste in music much either[:I]
I'm chuffed to bits to come in and read how much you have achieved today - even though you feel so pants. PLEASE give yourself some credit and a big pat on the back - maybe writing it will make it feel more true?
Keep going hun....
loads and loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Fee
And there I was thinking I had failed [Oops!]. Thanks for pointing out what I did manage to achieve, even though it is hard for me to accept it.
I had started to get on top of this supermarket panic thing but it's been escalating again in the past couple of weeks.
It was almost very embarrassing too... [:I].
Although I know the eating disorder is an illness and a symptom of the other illnesses I am experiencing and I can kind of accept that to a degree. What I beat myself up for though is the laxative abuse, taking diet pills, bingeing. I think I should be able to stop and feel a failure because I can't.
I am not quite sure why my tummy is so delicate this morning since the laxatives from yesterday have usually well worn off by now. It could be the Xenical I was stupid enough to take again yesterday. I'm not doing that today. I'm so annoyed I forgot the indigestion tablets and now feel too exhausted to go back out again, plus its pouring with rain here now. The trouble is I only have one pack left and nowhere will be open tomorrow. Will have to hope these last me until then.
It is true that there is no justice in this life and I suppose we do all struggle on. I am just a bit too tired of struggling on at the moment. It's at times like these that I wish so much to have a mum who would look after me and take the pressure off for a while, or even one member of my family I guess, but particularly a mum. I know you are on your own too and other people manage alone, but I just don't know how much longer I can do it by myself.
Getting out of bed is a struggle right now and goodness knows what I look like when I do go out. Haven't bothered to wash my hair in over a week and haven't even had a bath for a couple of days and I know that's terrible. I also know that's when I am in trouble with depression because I just don't care about these things.
Yes, I do feel physically unwell and the worst I've felt since this eating disorder began. Being severealy underweight was supposed to be the danger time but I am so much worse now than I was then.
Think I am going to have a nap and then maybe I'll be able to watch a bit of the film.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Maybe you could messenger me a compilation album (but none of that depressing stuff lol!!!!). I'd offer to send you some but I don't think you'd like my taste in music much either[:I]</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
So you don't want any of The Carpenters then lol :D!! How about some disco/80s stuff? I'm not sure we've got the same taste in music but I've got some stuff like that stored on here already.
Huge hug and loads of love to you Fee for encouraging me and keeping me going, in spite of your own problems.
Karen xx
Hi sis,
I heard the words disco and 80's stuff and my ears pricked up! I love 80's stuff :D Right 80's wild child me [:P].
Well done Karen!
Really that's great that you went out and brought some food, you did so well. I am so proud of you [Yeah!]
Hope you have a nice nap and enjoy the film
Still thinking of you,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Feeling rubbish again. Shouldn't be eating, let alone anything like chocolate or eggs, or bread, or... anything :(:(:(.
Need to get rid of everything. I need to starve myself because it is all or nothing and would rather it is nothing. I'll never lose weight this way.
Have beenn Googling for alternative diet pills and trying to find Ipecac so I can get rid of anything I eat when I am too weak-willed to resist.
I fell asleep again this afternoon. These days I'm either eating, running to the bathroom or sleeping. I hate myself for being like this. I don't want any of it anymore. I can't even be trusted to be on my own anymore.
Right now I want to make myself ill because I've ruined everything and I am never going to lose weight otherwise :(:(:(:(:(
Karen xx
NOOOOOO KAREN NOOOOO!
It's GOOD that you have eaten - well done - now stick with it and do NOT punish yourself, distract yourself do NOT go near those dreadful pills... you absolutely have to find a way of coping with these awful feelings that come up when you eat/binge. The bingeing will not harm you but your reaction to it will....
Please hun, see if you can just ride this without going into punishing yourself - instead congratulate yourself for every minute you do NOT punish yourself. Try and see that food inside you is going to make you stronger, taking it out will make you weaker.
I KNOW this is totally the opposite of how you feel, but pleeeeeeese try hun..
It doesn't matter how much you have eaten it really doesn't - it will not do you any harm or make you fat just like that.... the only way you can feel better is to learn to cope with how it makes you feel and forgive yourself for overdoing it a bit...
Thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
((((((KAREN))))))
Proud of you for eating!
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Oh Fee, I really wish I could, really I do.
But just feel like :(:(:(.
I don't know what else to say because I don't want to cause worry or concern.
Thank you so much for being here for me Aunty Fee.
Karen xx
This is pathetic I'm crying now...
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Sorry... didn't mean to upset anyone.
Dear Karen,
I know it has been said before but it will do you good to let some of those emotions out. Don't feel bad about it, in a way it is a good thing. It may even help you feel a little better.
And never say you are pathetic, you are just struggling at the moment. But we are all here, willing you through and hoping to help in any way we can.
Tammy x
(((((KAREN))))))
Crying is so good for you....
(((((((HUGS)))))))
You are going to get better - we will survive all this pain... Hang in there hun, if you can let out some of this sadness it will be so cleansing... I know it feels so horrible at the time, but honestly crying is the only thing that has kept me going this week. I cried in counselling, I cried with J when we went out for the day and I cried one night solidly for about 2 hours.... and one other day which I can't remember - when I got the bad news... I think if I hadn't cried then I would have died of the pain...
You're not alone, you're not weak, you're not failing - by crying you are being brave and very very real and real is the most important thing to be.
PIGLET STYLE HUG!!!!!
Extra big shovel loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you Tammy and Fee.
I didn't cry for long - I soon pushed the emotions back down again [Sigh...].
I'm just really struggling to cope mentally and physically right now. I am tired of the fight and feel I am going downhill fast.
Thank you both for your support and encouragement.
Fee: I know this has been such a difficult week for you and you have been doing so amazingly well. I wish I had your courage to keep going and fighting this.
Think I will go to bed - well am already in bed - but try to sleep. Can't cope with any of this any longer tonight.
Karen xx
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))
I hope you manage to sleep soon and feel better tomorrow. I agree with all what Fee said, you have done so well to eat today, please please don't punish yourself and do NOT google for more pills or I will google for all sorts of things! Lol. Seriously though, you can ride through this and come out stronger, I know you can. Just hang in there.
Night sis, thinking of you.
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Don't worry, no more Googling for me tonight as I am too tired lol!! So you've got no excuse either.
I'm afraid I had already taken the laxatives earlier so can't do anything about that now.
Just need to hope tomorrow is better or to find some way of coping, because at the moment I am not coping.
Hope you sleep well too sis.
Night.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope tomorrow is better for you too, sleep well sis,
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa.
I think I've caused enough trouble here for one day and maybe should stay away for a while.
My head is all over the place and I can't get back on track.
Karen xx
Karen,
If you want to stay away for your own sake then that's fine but do NOT stay away as you think you have caused trouble please ok. You haven't honestly caused any trouble. If you're talking about my post that's nothing honest, don't stay away for that otherwise I shall feel terrible. If coming here helps you then keep coming. We only get worried about your behaviour because we care, we can't help that.
Sleep well,
Lisa x
((((((KAREN))))))
What a nightmare evening we are all having!! It can only get better from here hun!!!
You have coped really really well and kept going and you will get your head round it all again. I bet even that little cry did you a bit of good... I know how hard it is on your own to cry and feel sad but it is definitely a good thing.....
I am going to try and get to bed soon but don't disappear off here or I'll send out search parties lol!!!!
Try and get some sleep, no more pills please, give yourself a comforting hug and try to relax if you can...
I will be thinking of you..
loads of love and hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thank you guys.
Lisa: It wasn't your thread in particular. I am just aware how negative I am being at the moment and how far back I've fallen to be taking laxatives and searching for pills again. I don't want to cause extra worry for anyone.
Fee: Yes, definitely a bad night - in fact a very bad week and I'm not handling things very well at the moment.
I know I have to find my own way through this but I am so confused and my judgement clouded by irrational thoughts that I don't know what I'm doing or how to get out of this mess.
LOL about the search party!
Maybe I'll feel calmer tomorrow. At least I hope so.
Thanks again sis and Aunty for your support.
Karen xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Maybe I'll feel calmer tomorrow. At least I hope so.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 16 April 2006 : 01:13:50</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I hope so too sis,
Night,
Lisa x
Hi Karen
You're not making anything worse - I have had a terrible week and I'm just not coping very well either tonight. I don't know why we're all so bad tonight but it does help to know you guys are out there!
Hope you get to relax hun
loads of love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Thanks Lisa and Fee.
I'll be glad when this weekend is over. I am going to bed now before I get any more irrational than I am already.l
Bah Humbug to Easter lol!!
Karen xx
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> I am going to bed now before I get any more irrational than I am already.l
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 16 April 2006 : 01:26:09</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes me too I think!
Sleep well.
Lisa x
Went to sleep got a couple of hours but now awake again. ?Just want to be able to sleep [|)]
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
That last message made no sense.
Can't believe I am awake so early again this morning and am not coping already.
I tried to add to my message to K as I am in a real state but missed her and now feel even more hopeless knowing she won't get the message until tomorrow.
Want to sedate myself so I don't have to face today :(
Hi Karen
I know how you feel - I don't feel much better... Roll on Tuesday, maybe we will all get some semblance of normality back when routine kicks back in - although I can't see what if any diffrence it would make for me really!
I hope you manage to get a bit more sleep hun - thinking of you
Loads of love n hugs
yer poor ole aunty fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Aww Aunty Fee. Sorry you are struggling too.
Haven't managed to get back to sleep naturally so have turned to medication now, which I hop will knock me out for several hours. Just can't have another day like thec past two.
I can't cope with the food obsession or chance reading about weight loss when my bingeing must mean I've gained. I mustn't eat until later so have to knock myself out.
K says I need to accept that I'm ok as I am but I can't do that. I will only be ok when I've lost all this weight I've gained.
Hope not to be around causing trouble for a while now if the sleepinh pills and Diazepam knock me out [|)].
Karen xx
Just checking up on you :D:D
You feeling any better little buddy???
Piglet xxxxxx:)
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Thanks for your message.
No, not really but have been blocking the day out with sleep (extra sleeping pills and Valium I'm afraid).
Just woke briefly to check on here and now I'm going back to sleep again - can't eat if I am asleep.
How are you? Hope the cold is well on its way out now. You and the pigletees enjoying EEs - can't bring myself to even type the word.
Karen xx
Hi ya hun,
Yes enjoying <s>Ea</s> the weekend, middle piglet got boy troubles big style and been weeping and draping herself over furniture and we are up till the wee small hours discussing it, eldest piglet got finacial problems like wot happen when you see things you can't afford but get them anyway and we are up till the wee small hours discussing it, youngest piglet bored of both middle piglet and eldest piglet and we are up till the wee small hours discussing it.
So yes just another normal weekend here really [}:)]
Have been trying to achieve my goals of getting in the front garden and today I made sure I chatted to a few neighbours too (felt a bit shaky while I was doing this but think my blood sugar was a bit low) and we all discussed our various teenage offspring and decided they all had 666 on their foreheads - I laughed politely at this not really althogther knowing what I was laughing at but presuming it was something satanic - nor do I want to know either.
Big squeeze
Love Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Sounds a barrel of laughs there then!! I think it's great that they can all go to you to discuss these things, although you seem to have had it all at once!
Well done for doing your CBT goals of being in the front garden and even chatting to some of the neighbours. That's brilliant!
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">We all discussed our various teenage offspring and decided they all had 666 on their foreheads - I laughed politely at this not really althogther knowing what I was laughing at but presuming it was something satanic - nor do I want to know either.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Ah, you obviously don't watch Only Fools and Horses then :D[^].
I've been sleeping on and off all day. Not good I know and still feel kind of doped up now, but only the evening to get through now and then I can go back to bed again [8)]. It's been the onl way for me to cope today after the past couple of days.
In fact, I think I could go back to sleep again now but need to write to K and then maybe I'll go to sleep again. Plus I want to watch The Royal at 8pm but can always tape that.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Just saying hi and that I am still thinking of you. I hope you are coping better today.
Piglet - Sounds busy with the piglet problems! Well done for being outside and chatting to the neighbours.
I probably won't be on here again today so I hope you sleep well tonight sis.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Just popping in to say nite :D
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen
Hope you are ok - I too am feeling doped up and want to sedate myself for a while.... maybe 3-4 months lol!!!
I missed knowing how you are today but thought it best to try and be distracted and not even put pc on as much as possible today (didn't work very well cos here I am in the middle of the night again!).
I hope you are sleeping and that it helps a bit... only one more day to go...
lol Piglet! it must be nice in a way to have troublesome junior piglets around with their woes and well done for the front garden! 666 the sign of the devil - thats just kids in general i reckon!!! But we love 'em anyway!
Oh better days coming guys!!!
loads and loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee (with dopey drooping eyelids!) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
How do you feel today???
Love Piglet
PS: Thanks for the card matey - loved it!!!!
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Hope you're ok today and have had a good nights sleep.
Thinking of you.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Guys
Thanks for your messages.
I'm much the same really. Slept most of yesterday. Wish I could be permanently sedated so I don't have any of these constant thought battles going on in my head.
Hope you're all having a good day.
Karen xx
Actually, I'm confused, my head is spinning with all the thoughts going round, I feel exhausted and so close to the edge I've felt like maybe I'm heading for a breakdown this time.
I can't cope with feeling bad when I eat anything and so can't stop the laxatives etc, and am so pathetic I can't restrict properly anymore either.
Sleep and unconsciousness are very appealing right now. I can't take much more.
Karen xx
After making an effort to get up, wash and dry my hair, I am so exhausted.
I have been feeling ill all afternoon with stomach cramps and diarrhoea again. Haven't even taken any laxatives today, nor have I been able to eat anything.
Although I know I should eat, it's hard when feeling so ill and I don't think I should eat fruit while my stomach is upset. The only other thing I have is rice cakes.
Maybe all of this is finally catching up with me and my health has taken a toll for the worse [xx(].
Karen xx
Hi Karen
Well done for getting up and washing your hair and stuff... yes you must eat something and anything is better than nothing hun! Rice cakes and a teeny bit of fruit then :D
You can't get anything sorted out in your head or your body without a basic level of nutrition you know that so somehow you have to start again.
Just a thought but have you ever tried diet drinks like slender.... I know they're way too many calories than you would like but as they are not food i wondered if they might be better in terms of not making you feel like bingeing and also are full of vits and stuff? It might be an easier way of controlling - you could have a bit at a time to start with?
So sorry this weekend has been so hard and I've not been around much either but it's nearly over now thank goodness! What's the plan for tomorrow... every day is an opportunity for a new start hun....
((((((HUGS))))))
Loads and loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Well done for making the effort to get up and about. This is a positive step as there have been many days when you haven't felt like doing this at all.
Hope it starts to get better for you as well from tomorrow.
Tammy x
Hi Karen,
Just to say I'm still thinking of you, sorry I haven't been around much either. You have done well to get through this long weekend, it is nearly over.
After reading you feel so ill again, I really hope you're ok sis. I hope you can eat something tonight too.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Fee
I am just eating a couple of rice cakes but the fruit isn't a good idea with the way my stomach is at present.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Just a thought but have you ever tried diet drinks like slender.... I know they're way too many calories than you would like but as they are not food i wondered if they might be better in terms of not making you feel like bingeing and also are full of vits and stuff? It might be an easier way of controlling - you could have a bit at a time to start with?</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't know. I'd probably be too worried about the calories. The only reason I've not eaten today is because my tummy has been bad.
Tomorrow I'm at the clinic.
You've had your own problems to deal with Fee so no need to apologise.
Hi Tammy
Thanks for your message. I thought I ought to wash my hair as I hadn't bothered for over a week [:I].
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope you're ok tonight and not feeling too ill. I am still thinking of you even if I've not been around so much.
I hope you sleep well and have a good day tomorrow at the clinic.
Night night,
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa.
I am just very tired now and have been feeling lethargic and very sleepy for several days now. So I'm heading to bed and hope I get a proper night's sleep.
Still have tummy pain but at least the diarrhoea has stopped.
Night sis.
Karen xx
Hope you get some good sleep Karen.
Tammy x
((((((KAREN))))))
Nighty night - hope you sleep well hun
Love n hugs
Aunty Feexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
hey karen!!
how r u feelin? hope u got some sleep!!! going on hols 2moz but i will be thinkin of u!!! please take care of urself!!! god i sound mushy!!!! lol
ammegxx
Have a good day at the clinic mate.
Text me at lunchtime if you're bored or finding you need distraction.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Morning guys.
I went to bed early last night which is a first for me, but I didn't sleep well and have another migraine this morning [Sigh...]. It really is one thing after another.
This is another thing I have noticed since gaining weight - the migraines are more severe than when I weighed a lot less. I was still getting them, as I know they are hormone related, but they were not so debilitating. So have dosed myself up with my migraine painkillers and some Paracetamol. Could do with going back to sleep though really [|)].
I've prepared some written stuff for Julia today so hope I get a chance to have a chat with her because this is the only day I'll be in this week. I've also done the work in the worksheets she gave me before the weekend and hope we can go through those too.
Ammeg: Hope you have a great holiday. Where are you going?
Piglet: Thanks for the offer. May well text you at lunchtime if I'm not sleeping [|)].
Fee: Thanks for your support aunty when I know you've got your own problems at present. I hope you have a good day.
Lisa: Hope you're feeling better today too.
Sorry, I haven't got time to write on everyone's individual posts this morning. I still need to finish getting ready and try to do something with my hair which looks like something from Worzel Gummidge (anyone remember that [^]?).
Catch up with you all later and thanks for your kind messages and support.
Karen xx
Morning Karen
Well done for preparing stuff to talk to Julia. I hope it goes well today hun, those bloomin migraines are a nightmare aren't they.
Thinking of you..
Loads and loads of love n hugs
Aunty Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
I hope today is going well, am thinking of you.
Hope that migraine goes away soon too.
Lisa x
I remember Worzel as my dad used to say my make-up was similiar to Aunt Sally's - blooming cheek[}:)][:I]:D:D:D:D
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Oh and I have just realised I have been here a year to the day today!!!
:D:D:D:D:D
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Happy Anniversary Piglet :D.
I've been here a year next month, but in my case that's not necessarily a good thing.
Lisa x
P.S I remember worzel too, although didn't really watch the program.
Hi All
It's been a scary day and various things are now panicking me. I gave my note to Julia admitted how much I have been struggling. It was only after this I heard that someone who had been attending as a day patient was admitted yesterday and today was sent to the local hospital for ECT [:O]. This would be my worst nightmare and I can't believe it is a treatment being considered.
My panic got worse when I had my meeting with Julia and she wants me to see the psychiatrist because my depression has been getting worse. I said I don't want antidepressants but she still says I need to be seen by him. I am now petrified about this.
The rest of my talk with Julia was quite helpful but she is concerned that I've been getting worse and I really don't want to see a psychiatrist.
I am going to be even more alone next week because Anna has been discharged from day care - not because she is better but because her funding has run out. This doesn't inspire much hope really.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
You've done really well today mate - don't get too hung up on the ETC they can't just do things like that without your consent etc or loads of discussion!!
Why don't you want to see the physichiatrist hun - I know you haven't enjoyed the ramblings down memory lane recently but maybe an actual professional who knows how to do this in a purposeful way wouldn't be a bad thing. What do you think????
Massive big squeeze
Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Sorry you've had a scary day. I can understand why that has unnerved you but what happened to the other patient isn't likely to happen to you.
I'm glad your talk with Julia went well, that's good. I can understand her being concerned as I am and we all are. I know you don't want to see a psychiatrist but it may be ok, it may even help. Try not to dismiss it until you've seen what she/he has to say. They can't make you take antidepressants yet just talking to a psychiatrist may help, they don't all want to force tablets on people and can't make you take them.
Sorry to hear about Anna, what a shame.
I hope you're ok, still thinking of you.
Night sis,
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa and Piglet
Piglet: I don't know what happened with the patient and the ECT but I do know being an inpatient there again was the last thing she wanted and wouldn't have gone in voluntarily. We spoke quite a lot about this last week.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Why don't you want to see the physichiatrist hun - I know you haven't enjoyed the ramblings down memory lane recently but maybe an actual professional who knows how to do this in a purposeful way wouldn't be a bad thing. What do you think????<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 18 April 2006 : 21:34:37</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Because psychiatrists are only interested in treating mental illness in a medical way, ie with medication or ECT [:O]. I won't take antidepressants even if they are prescribed and there is no way I am having ECT.
It is also serious when the psychiatrist is involved and I am scared of being forced into inpatient treatment.
Lisa: Thanks for your reply. The psychiatrist is a man too which will make things worse and I have a real fear of psychiatrists.
I am glad now that I am not back there until Monday. At the moment I am reconsidering the whole situation before they take things out of my hands. Maybe I should get out now while I still can.
Karen xx
Hi sis,
I really do understand your fear of psychiatrists as you've had some bad experiences, but they really are not all bad. I've met quite a few for several assessments, I know it's not the same though but seriously there are many that DON'T just want to push drugs. I'm sure ECT wil not happen to you, theres no need is there. I don't think they can force you to impatient treatment either surely? You are attneding there on a voluntary basis, your BMI is not dangerously low etc. Yes you are low and depressed and some of your actions worry me (all the pill taking I mean) but I don't think any of this means you will be forced to do anything against your will. If anything it could get you the extra help you need.
At the end of the day it has to be your decision of course, but don't dismiss everything without serious consideration first. You need help from somewhere and sometimes it comes from unexpected sources or from things we find unpleasant. I know you're not keen on talking to men but he may be ok and he may help you or at least he may know someone else who can if he can't. Anyway just give it some thought and then decide. What does K say?
Night sis, hugs and hope you sleep well.
Lisa x
Hi Karen
I'm so sorry you've had such a scary day. I'm sorry I'm not much help, I'm struggling myself...
Thinking of you
loads of love n hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Lisa
I know I shouldn't discount any form of help on offer, but the appropriate CBT or solution focused therapy is what I need, and not medication - I take enough of that already. If the psychiatrist insists I'll say I agree and just won't take it.
I've been assessed by a psychiatrist already and they only deal with the medical aspects or referral on to other people. But in the clinic environment it is different because therapeutic help is meant to be on hand within the staff members.
I'm worried about being forced into treatment I don't want because of the self-medicating I am indulging in. They can say this is putting my health at risk just as much, if not more than restricting food.
I've only just written to K about this tonight and so will have to wait to see whether she will reply tomorrow to see whether she is going to reply or it might not be until Thursday. She will probably urge me to see the positives in the situation but it is difficult when I am so scared (a) of psychiatrists and (b) of the fact that the psychiatrist is a man.
Got into such a state that I binged and purged again tonight and now feel ill with that, as well as with a mirgraine.
Fee: Sorry you are struggling too. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
Karen xx
Hi Sis,
I do understand how you feel about the psychiatrist and I do wish there was more help for you other than that too.
I hope you don't feel too ill and that the head gets better soon.
Sleep well,
Love Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
Will probably be a while before my tummy settles enough for me to sleep but I'm going to listen to a relaxation CD and try to wind down a bit.
Night sis.
Karen xx
Night sis,
Hope the tum settles soon.
Lisa x :)
Hi Karen
Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and really wish I could help more...
(((((KAREN)))))
loads of love n hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Karen,
I'm thinking of you too and also wish I could help more.
Hope you slept ok and that tummy and head are ok.
Love Lisa x
PS Is your op still tomorrow?
Hi All
Thanks for your replies.
Fee: You are helping plenty by being here even though you are having such a hard time yourself. That means so much to me.
Lisa: Same goes for you too sis.
I didn't sleep well really. It was well after 3am before I was able to attempt to sleep and then I kept waking regularly. Woke and had to get up at 7.30 because of tummy pain again, but this has now subsided as the laxatives have worn off. I desperately need to avoid taking any today and so need to find a way to keep in control of what I eat.
I still have a migraine but these always last for 3 days once they start. My painkillers help but wish I could find a way to prevent them altogether. My doctor thinks they might stop when I hit the menopause as they are mostly hormone related. Something to look forward to [:o)].
Was reading in a magazine last night how one actresss cured her migraines with botox injections but seems rather extreme and also ok if you've got the money to pay for it [:O].
Yes, sis, my op is still on for tomorrow I hope. I haven't heard otherwise and just hope my health assessments tomorrow are ok. They should be as long as I can keep control of my eating and avoid laxatives today. Haven't taken any of the other pills either. Luckily the only blood test they did was to check for anaemia and I'm sure that would've been ok. Just hope it's not cancelled because of lack of beds or something [Sigh...].
This afternoon I am seeing Sarah, my dietician, and thought I'd take some of my food diary sheets as it might help her see the pattern I am stuck in and maybe she'll have some suggestions for me. The clinic never read them so it would be good to have some feedback.
I also struggle when trying to eat more normally with what is actual 'normal', ie a normal portion size, or what could be a portion size for me to aim for. She is usually very helpful but I doubt she'll be surprised that I've gone downhill in the time since my last appointment because she knew I was at a very vulnerable stage.
My appointment is at 3pm and I have to face Tesco first to collect a prescription and get a few supplies to keep me going for a few days. I guess it would be better to do this after I've seen her but I'm worried about losing control, as it will be later then and having not eaten I might buy things I don't want to buy.
I am still feeling really tired and am trying to find the energy to get out of bed and have a bath.
Now the wireless connection has cut off so am going to have to save this to Word and restart my laptop again. It is sooo annoying when it does this[V].
Karen xx
Hi ya mate,
How long will you be in hospital for??
Love Piglet xxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Piglet
Just for the day hopefully. The consultant said it depends what she finds during the examination and if I need a laparoscopy too, in which case it might be an overnight stay [Sigh...].
But I really hope to be able to come home by late afternoon. I need to be at the hospital for 11.30 but the op list doesn't start until 2pm, so it depends where I am on the list. I hope I am not waiting around all afternoon.
I really do not want an overnight stay in hospital but if you don't hear from me tomorrow you will know why. Might get Jac to send a text so you know all is ok.
I suppose I really ought to get up and have a bath now but could happily stay in bed all day.
I am so fed up with my hair now too. I can't decide whether to just have a trim (as haven't had it done since before Christmas), or whether to have a very light wave/perm done [^]. I am at the point now where I am fed up of the hassle of drying and straightening it and it still looks a mess! I need my roots doing too though and am not sure a perm and highlights are a good idea [Duh!].
As usual I am simply incapable of making a decision. All suggestions welcome :D.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope your appt goes well with the dietician this afternoon and that she can give you some suggestions.
On the hair front Hmmmm.... a skinhead [:o)] Ok maybe not but I hear they're easy to maintain! Lol. I don't think you can do a perm and highlights at the same time but not 100% sure.
From the few pictures I've seen of you your hair always looks lovely straight but I know it's a pain, mine looks amazing straight (to the point that some people have not recognised me) but it's a pain to do although it only takes me 10 minutes. Tough decision sis.
Anyway I must get dressed now,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Skinhead [:O][:O][:O]. Going a bit too far I think lol!!
I know it is possible to have a perm and then highlights done afterwards, but not both at the same time. I just really dislike my hair as it is neither one thing nor the other and looks a mess if I don't straighten it, but then looks a permanent mess now anyway :D.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">From the few pictures I've seen of you your hair always looks lovely straight but I know it's a pain, mine looks amazing straight (to the point that some people have not recognised me) but it's a pain to do although it only takes me 10 minutes. Tough decision sis.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 19 April 2006 : 13:33:08</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Thanks. I do like having my hair straight but it is now too long and doesn't stay straight - it pings up all over the place lol!!
It takes me an hour to dry and straighten my hair. If I could do it in 10 minutes it wouldn't be such a chore. Plus it really makes my arms ache to do it which is another reason I put it off and leave it as long as possible before washing my hair again [:I].
I hope the dietician helps too. I guess I really must tear myself away from here, have a bath and get ready or I'll be rushing.
Catch up again later.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Yes skinhead was a bit extreme! My hair is wavy, neither straight or curly now it's longer. It looks great straight but can look a mess otherwise, although sometimes it goes lovely and wavy. My hair is quite long, well a couple of inches below my shoulders I think and I can straighten in 10 mins now, but even that really makes my arms ache. Your hair shouldn't really ping up just because it's longer, mine will stay straight for 2-3 days after doing it, even if it rains (although I have to wash my hair every day so it never lasts that long). I assume you have good quality straightners? I had some cheap ones when I first did it and they only made my hair wavy, then I brought some expensive ones from the hairdressers and they're fab. Also using a straightening balm can help and protect your hair. Listen to me, I did a weeks work experience in a hairdressers as a kid and think I'm an expert [:I] I love my hair though, definitely my best feature( apart from the odd white hairs I've noticed recently [:O] but thankfully they don't show against blonde).
Hope you get on ok this afternoon,
Lisa x
Hi Karen,
Just want to send you an advance (((hug))) for tomorrow.
I'm not into hairstyles, but what I can tell you is that I need desparately need a haircut!
Take Care,
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
What about having a few layers put in - my youngest did this (she has fine soft straight hair) and can now scrunch it or straighten it. I think the reason mine doesn't scrunch is because it is all one length and therefore too heavy to hold the wave!!:D:D:D Just adding the layers and scunching it while it dries naturally with some mousse or something means you get the same effect as light perm without the damage.
Sure you will look a little bobby dazzler whatever you decide.
Will be thinking about you tomorrow - what about a casualty squeeze since you will be in the vicinity anyway:D:D:D:D
Well all be here waiting.
Piglet xxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
[:O]Pictures? what pictures? excuse me where are there pictures - how long have i been coming here? 4 months and I haven't seen any pictures... mind you on the plus side nobody's seen one of me either lol[:I]
It's so nice to hear you talking about something about yourself Karen! [8D][8D] I think it doesn't matter what you do to your hair so long as you get it done and it will feel better!! I hate my hair, it is very very fine and very very thing and i have so little choice of what I can do with it!! What Piglet suggested sounds perfect actually! (lol piglet - bobby dazzler - what a fab expression - haven't heard it for years!!)[8D]
I can't believe your op is tomorrow - it seems to have come round quite quickly to me (not to you I expect!). I hope you don't have to stay in over night - and I hope you just might feel a bit better having it out of the way....
Good luck with the dietician - she always seems to have good advice for you!
speak later xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
nomorepanic
19-04-06, 19:31
Karen
Good luck for tomorrow - I hope it all goes well for you and will be thinking of you.
xxx
Nicola
Hi Karen,
I hope the dietician appointment went ok today and was useful.
Piglet has a good point about layers, my hair is layered (although the longest layer is chin length now) but I can have it straight, wavy or scrunched or put my hair up still.
Fee - the pictures I saw of Karen are on this site, well they were until the server went down in the fire. There were pictures of Karen at several meet ups, and a piccy our our Piglet :D.
I hope you're ok tonight Karen, just wanted to wish you all the best for tomorrow, good luck, I hope it goes well and I will be thinking of you all the time.
Love and huge (((((hugs))))),
Sleep well tonight,
Lisa x
Hi All
Thanks for the replies. This is turning into a hairdressing discussion now lol!
Piglet: I've had layers in my hair before and it is definitely not a good idea [:O]. All that happens is that the layers stick out everywhere! I guess I just want a change and am fed up of the time it takes to straighten my hair and it looks awful if I don't straighten it.
Feel like a change really and a very light wave will be easy to manage and it doesn't matter if my hair gets wet when it rains then either :D.
Thanks for the casualty hug. Tomorrow is going to be such a long day. Have to be there by 11am when the list doesn't start until 2pm. Just hope I'm not last on the list (which would be just my luck).
Lisa: My hair is easier to straighten when shorted but it's at that in between stage at present and my wrist and arm problems make it difficult for me to dry and straighten it properly. I do use a straightening balm.
I need to have something done and hopefully at the end of next week but my memory is awful and can't even remember the name of the hairdresser I usually have [Duh!].
Fee: There are some photos on here but not all have been put on again since the server was lost in the fire - at least I don't think so. You don't really want to see photos of me anyway [:I].
It has seemed ages for the date of my op to arrive and now I'll be glad when it is over.
Ray and Nic - Thanks for your good wishes.
I had a long session with Sarah - the dietician. She really wants to help but there is not much she can do at present. It helped to talk to her and for her to understand the struggle I am having.
She is willing to continue seeing me regularly but says I need the psychological input really, which I have been saying to the clinic for ages. I hope something changes after my talk with Julia yesterday.
Sarah did say that the distorted self image is hard to overcome alone and what can help most is to have one person I trust who can tell me whether I am looking underweight, ok, or getting overweight. The trouble is there isn't anyone I see regularly that I am able to believe in this respect. I am so convinced that I'm fat and need to lose weight.
I am going to be seeing her again in 3 weeks to see how things are going.
Had to face Tesco on the way home to stock up on some things in case I can't get to the shops for a few days. But now I am panicking about the extra food I have here and want to get rid of it because I don't trust myself. This is a really sorry state of affairs.
Have stuck to my safe food tonight. I must not binge because I cannot risk using laxatives before my op tomorrow. I don't want to jeopardise it going ahead. Have managed to avoid taking anything apart from my prescribed medications today but it's been hard.
At least I know I won't eat much tomorrow. I could have breakfast if I got up early enough but won't do that and I tend to experience nausea after anaesthetics so probably won't want to eat afterwards either.
The difficult time is going to be Friday and the weekend depending how restricted I am with what I can do.
Roll on this time tomorrow when it will hopefully all be over with.
Karen xx
Thanks for the hugs Lisa. I think we were posting at the same time then.
Luckily I don't think the pictures are back yet!
Karen xx
Hi sis,
You're welcome to the hugs.
I know what you mean about layers, my hair can look dreadful with layers if not the right style, it's ok now the layers are long though.
Anyway you can decide next week. I'm meant to be having mine highlighted and trimmed on Friday.
I'm glad seeing the dietician helped a bit, even just to talk it all through.
Well done for going to tesco and for not using laxatives today, you can do it sis.
I really will be thinking of you tomorrow, I think you're so brave, if I was going into hospital tomorrow I'd have been in right state by now.
Will be thinking of you. I doubt I'll get on here before you leave in the morning but I wish you all the best and will be with you in spirit :).
Night sis,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa.
I am reasonably calm about going to hospital and the anaesthetic etc. I am more concerned that it might not happen for some reason... well several reasons that might delay it. Just hope not now as I want to get it over with.
Karen xx
Morning all.
Just thought I'd say hi before I leave to go to the hospital. I have another hour almost yet but have been awake since 6.30 this morning. This is going to be such a long day.
I am not really nervous or anxious yet, just tired and want to go back to sleep [|)].
Am still worried I will get there and they will cancel it.
Having got up and been unable to do anything with my hair again today, I have just phoned the hairdressers (finally remembered the stylist's name [^]) and booked to have a light wave perm for a couple of weeks time - the earlier appointment due to my clinic commitments. At least I'll be able to wash it and then let it dry. Will be much easier.
I forgot a couple of things I need from the chemist and just debating whether I've got time to go out and get them before leaving today - or whether I can be bothered [:I]. Need to go to Tesco pharmacy really as it's the cheapest for what I want but could go to the local chemist I suppose.
Typical that because I know I am not allowed to eat I actually feel hungry. My fault for not having breakfast (which was allowed) but it will feel good later not to have eaten all day. The hardest thing will be not being allowed to drink after 10.15 as I am constantly thirsty and drinking water all the time usually [Sigh...].
Hope to be home and with it enough to post later. Wish I could take my laptop with me but not supposed to take valuables and I wouldn't be able to connect to the internet anyway as my mobile connection runs on the mobile phone network which cannot be used in hospitals anyway.
See you all later.
Karen xx
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