This is a repeat of my post under my Therapy post but I think it deserves to be here too to encourage you all...
Well I am back and it is all good news and I am very proud of myself.
Sorry for the long read as usual …
Well I set off on Wednesday at 11am and decided to go cross country for the first part and join the M4 at junction 13. This was because there were hold-ups on the M1 and M25 and the drive is boring enough without sitting in that for hours!
I knew that not long after I joined the M4 there were roadwork’s and of course these were on my mind during the first part of the drive. Again it was the anticipatory anxiety that kicks in and the “what if’s” and “not knowing what I would meet” kind of thing. I had no idea what they would be – contra flow, steel barriers, cones, how long for etc etc.
Of course I was winding myself up about it (like we do) and was getting really bad swallowing problems (which I have anyway) and all those thoughts going through my head.
The roadworks are on and off between junction 13 and 19 so quite a long way. The first set I hit not long after getting on the M4 and they were fine – the hard-shoulder and lane 1 were coned off but that was all. I now see this as safe for some reason. I can cope with coned off areas. This is a huge improvement on 6 months ago when this would have freaked me out completely.
The rest were the same – just lanes coned off and no steel barriers or contra-flows and I was fine. Still a huge achievement as I am learning to cope with them and not let them freak me out like they used to.
Then it was the bridge. As you drive down the M4 you can see the other bridge over to the right and that looks imposing enough and then you drive up and see this huge steel construction in front of you and there is no way off but to go over it.
I was determined to do it this time so I was doing lots of self talk saying silly things like “you are not going to beat me this time you stupid bridge” and “I can do this and it is just a bridge” etc etc, It seems to work well for me anyway!
Then I was on it and I was fine. The bit that freaks me is the middle bit where the large support structures are as they seem so imposing but I kept saying that I was Ok and I was and although I was a bit anxious it was nothing like before and hardly any anxiety atall. Yippee!!
Got over it fine then knew it was another stretch of road I had been unable to do before with any success as it was 6 miles of intermittent hard shoulder and then the tunnel! Did that fine – never gave it a second thought and although the tunnel is a little scary I drove through it fine! Fab!
Took me just over 4 hours to get there but arrived in once piece and happy (though tired).
It was weird but after I did the bridge I found myself welling up with tears and I know they were tears of relief and that kind of “yes I can do this and yes I am getting better” feeling. I was so proud of what I had done and how well I coped. It was a huge step forward for me as that bridge had always been one of those things that I never get to practise at very often (last time was Feb 2005).
Today – well left at 1pm and got home at 5.15 so another long drive. The bridge was ok – I still don’t like it but I can cope with that. I don’t need to like it – I need to cope and I did that. Roadwork’s were fine too and I took a detour across country again and had no idea what roads I would be on.
The A34 used to scare me stupid as it is 30+ miles of dual carriageway and no hard shoulder and again I coped fantastically and no panic atall.
I am tired now and my eyes hurt but I am also so proud of what I have achieved and how far I have progressed with the driving.
At the end of the day you have to believe in yourself, keep on doing it over and over and believe that you can and you won’t have any panic/anxiety. If you do then that is fine too – just learn to cope with it and learn it can’t hurt you!
Thanks if you got this far.
Nicola
Nicola
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i am hoping in the near future i will be writing such a positive post, i like what you said at the end of the post"you have to believe in yourself!", it just shows how you can conquer your fears if you believe in yourself.
