Hi.

I feel so bad for complaining and worrying but I just can't help it. I was diagnosed with G.A.D 3 years ago and even though it has come in the way of a lot of things (me and my boyfriend of 5 years broke up mostly because of it) I have also learnt to overcome it and things started to look good. I got back with my boyfriend (so now we have been together 7 and a half years...not counting those 8 months apart!) and I got the confidence and positive attitude to save up to go travelling around Australia!! I have now been in Australia with my boyfriend for over a year now and am on my 2nd working holiday travel visa. The problem is, Mr. Anxiety is making a comeback!!!

He never actually fully went away of course. As I'm sure a lot of you know, he never does, he's always there. But for the first 9 months of travelling I was doing fine. Things would crop up that would sometimes gets me worried or panicky but they were easily solved. Thanks to my bf and friends around me. But for the last few months I have started to feel bad again. We have enough money, we have a roof over our heads, we have a car, we've seen some amazing things but yet there are times when I forget all about that and tell myself that things are shit and 'why do all the bad things happen to me?' It's things like, our boss tells us there's not any work for a week, so immediately I panic and think that we're not going to have enough money to do this or that. I get bored and irritable. I snap at my boyfriend even though it's not his fault and he's in the same boat as me with the work. He is always so positive and logical about things and there's me thinking of the worst that could happen, like we're NEVER going to have work again and we'll have to go home early, etc.

The worst of it all is that I don't have anyone to talk to about things, when I try to talk to my boyfriend, I get irritated with him when he's not even said anything wrong. It's just like I'm expecting him to say something wrong..but he never does, he just tries to be understanding but at the same time trying to let me know that it's not as bad as it seems. But I take it as him patronising me and have a go at him. All he is doing is trying to make me feel better but I just bite his head off!! I feel so bad afterwards but by then the damage is done. It's just that at the time I have this little 'evil' voice that is doing all the talking and I can't think clearly.

I'm just upset because I'm supposed to be having the time of my life and my anxiety is just getting in the way. I don't want to look back on this when I'm older and just remember arguments and negative thoughts when I should be remembering happy things and amazing experiences. I also get scared that I'm pushing my bf away again. He has been amazing this time round, now that he understands what I'm going through but I can see that he gets frustrated at times. Sometimes I even tell myself that I don't love him anymore, just so maybe if we break up a problem might be solved. But I DON'T want to break up!! I love him and in fact, he's the most positive thing I have in my life...it's just this 'evil' voice again trying to come up with excuses. Ahhh...why won't it just let me have fun and enjoy being in a relationship?!

Sorry if that was a bit of an essay...I was just writing as things came into my head!! Basically, yeah...I'm in Australia, I'm young, I'm in love and yet I STILL worry about EVERYTHING!!!!! :( Help!!

*Luthien*