Wow Starfish!! You went out last night with old work colleagues and you don't think your meds are working?!

I would do anything to 'not have my meds working' like your meds.

The last few years I was a touring music photographer travelling the world on my own and with bands with not an ounce of care. Fast forward to day 47 of lexapro and a good day for me is one where I can open up the curtains and not have my head under the pillow. The thought of going downstairs out of my bedroom sends me into panic right now.

When I say that I don't feel my meds are working, I literally don't have a life at the moment. I can't hold a face to face conversation with my dad or anyone else because of such severe depersonalisation. I've developed such bad agoraphobia since being on these medications, that not only can I not open up my curtains, but sometimes I can't even watch TV or movies which shows outside or crowded situations.

Baring in mind I've NEVER suffered this in my 23 years of anxiety and depression.

Sorry... I'm just really jealous.
It's such a beautiful day here in Cornwall at my dads house. He just went for a walk up the hills and I watched him with my binoculars whilst talking to him on the mobile phone. I managed to shove my arms out the window today to get some sun and open the windows wide to get fresh air and sit on the end of my bed.

I've just had to cancel my girlfriend coming down to see me this weekend which has really really upset her. I've cut horrible cuts and scars on my legs and hands and arms. All this is 4 months exactly on Saturday.
In that time I've been on Citalopram, Pregabalin, Escitalopram, Diazepam, seen 2 psychiatrists, 2 CBT therapists, 8 GPs, 3 out of hours GPS, 1 trip to A and E from a suicide attempt, seen countless people from the local mental health team, spent over £50 in phone bills to NHS Direct, Samartans and various panic helplines. I've lost my business, my income, my relationship can't last much longer, I'm still having to pay rent and bills for a house I haven't lived in for 4 months and will have to continue to do so for another 3 months, had to turn down one of the biggest clients of my life, had to cancel a wedding shoot a week before the wedding.

So I really do feel worse on Escitalopram. I'm struggling here. I've never been close to this in my entire life and this all started when I came off Citalopram after 11 years. 3 months off the drug and then back on and all this. It's no wonder why I keep trying to end my life.