Needing encouragement to accept

[phil6]

Yesterday, I decided to accept the nausea, the feeling of dread, the fear of failing... I know this is all to do with my thinking...and my dislike and fear of this disorder.
The acceptance comes and goes. One second I am ok.. Still with all the dread but with a sort of feeling that it will pass and it's the right path. The next second, probably as a negative thought appears, it's not ok and I feel the despair that comes with the thought that I can't do this. The urge to give up, withdraw and cry is huge. But I managed not to. And I revert to feeling a spark of positive again. But it comes and goes and was like it nearly all day. I think if I had despaired and broken down then it might have felt better at some point but it feels like acceptance makes it actually harder. Maybe that's why it feels so hard.
I wake this morning and within seconds the lump in my stomach appears and I start again.
I am doing my best, but the anxiety starts to peak and starts to overwhelm again. I remember yesterday and accept, then struggle, then accept and so it goes.
Real acceptance for me means not bothering to do anything and just feel it but I am still not sure how I do this when I feel like I do now. When the anxiety and feelings rush onto me, I still instantly think it is my fault, something I am doing wrong. I feel sick and I immediately believe that I cannot just carry on feeling this ill. The feelings are very strong and however determined I am to try and accept, I am easily drawn into defeatist thinking, which makes me feel even worse.
This morning, although determined not to, I cried, just for a minute. It serves to vent the feeling but also convinces me that the anxiety is too strong for me, even though I got through yesterday with it there all day.
It always feels like this time it's here to stay, and that I will never recover. My fear of failing myself, my family and the fear of not being able to carry on with my normal life is awful.
I am posting, partly as it makes me feel better, and partly to be reassured that it is not just me who is struggling this way. Can I really carry on, go out, meet up with normal people etc, whilst feeling this ill?
Is this the way it has to be?
I know there is really no alternative, except to lock myself away and fail. But will this get easier. I know it's wrong to keep wanting it to get easier, but it's so hard not to.
Phil

[xrachykinsx]

Hey Phil,

To cut it short- yes it does get easier. The fear in you is obviously still very current. You have offered me so many words of encouragement and support when I have posted in the past. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now- that's not to say I don't have days where I feel bloody awful though.

I've felt a bit shakey this morning, no idea why but I just have and it's okay. I'll just carry on doing what I need to do. When I feel myself feeling a bit iffy, I acknowledge the feeling and try to make light of the feeling. Last night in particular, I remember turning to my hubby and just saying 'oh god, I feel a bit squiffy again..here we go' and then I was absolutely fine. When the feelings of anxiety come to me, I don't doubt myself and the fact that I'm not getting better. I just remember that I've had more and more good days recently which means I am FACTUALLY getting better not worse.

Acceptance is hard, and more than anything I struggle to accept that I'm taking medication because my 'worry' is that I'll be on meds forever but I just try to focus on each day rather than in months to come. It certainly would be easy to just go lock yourself away and curl up but you don't actually want to do that at all. I went out for a meal with friends last weekend, and because it was the first 'night out' since I've been poorly...I naturally at the beginning sat there in the restaurant feeling like I shouldnt be there, I wasn't well, I didn't deserve it...but I just challenged the feeling by saying 'no, why should I not be allowed to be out and enjoying myself, I can do what I want' and it soon passed and left me.. it's hard and it takes so much practice but once you stop getting so upset and fearful of the feeling.. it gets so much better.

I had a choice to either have the anxiety and get really upset and distressed everytime I had a wave of it.. or to just go 'ohh here we go again...come on then'' I chose the second option and it's pushed me on quite a bit xxx

[Humly]

Hi Phil. I am struggling too at the moment and I suspect there are many others feeling the same. I have not got any great words of wisdom. I find it so hard just to accept because in trying to do this just reminds me of how I am feeling and I go round in circles. Have you read nothingworks.weebly.com. If not have a look. Its very long but quite interesting and I think the author is a member of nmp.
In one part he mentions about not reading and researching about anxiety all the time and not to keep hanging around forums (I'm guilty on that one) as it just keeps it all in the forefront of your mind, which is true.

I am up and down like a yo yo all day and I'm just fed up and want it to end. What to do!

[phil6]

Thanks Rach,
I am so impressed when you say you don't doubt that you are getting better. I think this is what holds me back. The anxiety always comes to me with the thought that I am stuck. And if I do let it get me into despair then it just strengthens this thought.
It just feels a bit unfair that when I sit with my anxiety and let it wash over me and just slow down and carry on, there seems to be little reward. Just a bit of peace and I could then think, I CAN do it. But although I did do it, although probably not brilliantly, I come away with another hard day. Maybe this is because I am wanting acceptance to change the way I feel, and as I know too well this is a mistake.
I find all this very complicated... I really do overthink all this!
Glad my posts have helped you... Maybe I ought to read them!
Humly
Yes I read Nothing Works regularly to remind myself and for reassurance. It's excellent.
I am with you on this frustration and yes I too look at NMP TOO MUCH... it is a distraction for me when I just get too agitated to do just nothing... How do you just do nothing? My mind goes...do something!
Phil

[xrachykinsx]

I understand the problem. When you feel like you are coping, you want to be completley rid of whats happened to you, you don't want to remember the bad but it's always at the back of your mind.

I had to start to get to grips with the fact that I won't wake up 1 morning and go 'WOW...i'm normal again', I get up and have a routine. Sitting around once you get up in the morning really isn't beneficial to anxiety sufferers. If you were to get up in the morning and be completley busy would that help you get off to a good start? xx

[Humly]

Yes. I think keeping busy is the thing. I dont have a job at the moment and I'm on my own a lot so I dwell on things. I find it difficult being with people at the moment as well as they dont know whats going on with me and I dont want to pretend that everything is fine. So I am making excuses not to go places and see people, even my parents which i feel bad about.

[xrachykinsx]

In the same boat as you hun! I'm 22, a stay at home mummy, and have been for the last 3/4years....totally too much time to dwell. Once i'm back at work ,I think I will gain more confidence in myself xx

[phil6]

Yes,
I do understand that busying yourself helps. But I am now retired and distraction and keeping busy is not easy. I do go to the gym, swim, try and even do DIY etc but it is impossible to stay busy all the time. There has to be a way of learning to be able to sit with it some of the time and be able to read the paper or a book, or watch TV.
Or else I find that I end up rushing around trying to get rid of it again.
When it's working for me, it feels simple. Just thinking it's OK to feel it. It's often early mornings when it gets me by the throat and feels like a real threat. It's then that the thought that you must find some distraction can be just another fear and problem.
Accepting has to be when idle or when busy... It is easier if you are busy though.

[xrachykinsx]

I'm the same Phil. If it's going to be bad, it'll be in the morning or in the evening. I know what you mean about trying to keep yourself busy CONSTANTLY to cover up the anxiety. I guess we never know truly how one persons anxiety compares to anothers in terms of intensity...I know when I was in the height of anxiety, I would struggle to even focus on the tv. However now, I can quite easily watch the tv without any bother or read something. In fact I can kind of have a clear mind even when I'm in silence.

I find having company is the biggest winner for me. I spend a lot of my days with my mum as being alone is when I feel a bit bad xx

[phil6]

Rach,
With me, the anxiety can be extreme. It's probably nowhere near what some experience with panic attacks, but it feels pretty intense at times, especially just after waking.
I am also a habitual exaggerator, and when I post it went on all day yesterday, there were times when it was not so bad. My memory is always clouded. I just can't relate to feeling ok when I am anxious. The facts are anxiety is horrible but not intolerable and it would help for me to remember this. I always go off on thoughts that this is too much to bear and that I wouldn't be able to cope in lots of situations especially when out with friends. Yet I always do cope and I forget that as well.
Having posted on here this morning I feel a lot better. I also admit I have taken a Propopanol, which is the only meds I have now. So not sure which has got me back on track.
I do get little spells of feeling that I can do acceptance and it feels good. It's like you feel anxious but you also feel hope. For me these are fleeting at the moment, but then I can have whole days when I have no anxiety and this feels like it should be so easy to do.
The hard thing for me is to justify my anxiety. I am retired, no worries or stresses. I can do what I like. I am in a good family. People envy my situation. It makes no sense to people or to me.
It's like I have latched on to anxiety as a major problem and one which I am driven to fix.