I feel like I am posting so much. I am sorry, i feel so terrible and i've never dealt with something this terrible in my head. I am told I am a very strong person but I feel like this is on the verge of bringing me to my knees. I feel like I am fighting a tank with a slingshot and a handful of thumbtacks.

The more I fight it the harder it squeezes my throat. I can't fight it and I no longer think I can. I used to think I had a future but I am not sure anymore. This feels like my very personally tailored hell. I dont feel safe anywhere anymore because it finds me in my safest place and its a violating feeling. Its like trying to fight someone in a house of mirrors but everywhere you turn a fist comes out and slams your right in the face. I see things and everything one way or another as a sign and associate everything as an omen. If so and so just had a kid that means I am going to jail. If its cold Tuesday I go to jail. If I think about X, Y and Z will happen. I cant look anywhere with out seeing something horrible or a joke about it. Everytime I hear, see the word "pedophile" or something in the context of it I feel like I want to vomit.

I feel like my life is ending before my feet. I feel like the castle is crumbling. I feel like ill never have a full life. No family, no more friends, no anything. This must be what it mentally feels like to be set on fire and thrown down a cliff. I dont know what to do anymore and I feel like I am running out of options. I am at my maximum levels of stress and at a PSI level where the system is going to pop. I have been catching my hand shake involuntarily and my body feels cold. I've been through years of hell and I have finally found my snapping point. My mind feels like its turning against me and everything I stand for.

I no longer feel intelligent, good looking or anything. I feel like a piece of shit. Everywhere I go is a dead end to me. Everyone my age is doing great things and what am I doing? Nothing. I spent 2 years trying to win someone over and it blew up in my face like a grenade. I am tired and I just want to lay down all the time but everytime I wake up I feel like I am gonna go to jail for something I didnt do and live a stigmatized existence. I am not a bad person but this has turnt me into an aggressive oaf. I am angry at everything and nothing is interesting to me anymore. I wish someone could grab me and hold me and tell me everything is gonna be alright but I dont have that person in my life. I am on the edge of tears all the time and I just want my mind back. I just dont know anymore. I have done nothing wrong but my mind wont settle for that. False memories and guilt, ahoy.

God, help me.