My daily diary.

[Dbsworrier]

18/06/2017

I feel like things are definitely getting worse. Each and every day now I am at conflict with myself. I can't work out if I'm here or not. I can't work out whether I actually believe I'm not real.

I forced myself through the day. Believing that I was just watching the whole thing. Believing that this was a movie playing out in front of me. At least that's what I think I believe.

I was meant to go out to Issi's (if she's real). I had to re-arrange to make it so that she came my way. I couldn't face another long journey being stuck in this fake world. I woke up with the conflicting thoughts going round in my head: 'do I believe this is real', 'do I think this is an illness', 'if i'm ill how come the world is going on as normal', 'how come people are acting normal towards me when I'm not normal and don't believe I'm here', 'if i'm not real how am I doing normal things', I could go on.

I got to Uxbridge and bumped in to my friend Barry (if he exists). I found myself talking normally to him. At this point I managed to keep myself into an uncomfortable acceptance. That being it didn't feel real, but there may be a reasonable explanation for it. This went back and forth all day.

Issi and I got all the way to Uxbridge Lido and I remained in this state for a time. We couldn't get in the lido (if it exists), because it was full. We went to a patch of green and ate some food there. This is when the conflict in my head started to come to the surface again, 'do I believe I'm real', 'how come I am watching myself act normally when I don't believe I'm real'. The latter thought was something that has really clung to me today. I'm not real, yet somehow I am functioning in this world that I don't feel is real. What the hell. I honestly don't know what I believe. The thing that has also stuck with me is the fact that I am talking and responding to people despite a number of things; I don't believe I'm real, I don't know how the hell my mouth is shaping words, I honestly feel like I'm watching something fake. That's the thing I've noticed with my talking today. It's like I'm watching somebody else do things, but they are attached to me. This is seriously ****ed up! Or is it because I don't know who or what I am anymore.

I departed Issi and got on the bus. Travelling home I was thinking how it didn't matter where I got off or what I did, because this was all fiction anyway so it would have no affect on anything. Yet I still watch myself travel, get off at the stop that I recognise and go home.

So right now I sit here thinking I'm either crazy or not real. But if I were crazy, why isn't anybody noticing or doing anything? So I always reach the conclusion that I'm not real, because in reality someone would intervene. Yet I still find myself trying to convince myself that it will all make sense, though nothing does. I don't look at things like I'm real, I don't feel anything towards the world that would make it real. I don't know what I believe, but I'm watching stuff happen as supposedly normal. I don't know what to do.

[Dbsworrier]

Once again I'm going to preface by asking if anyone has any thoughts and feeling at all on what I'm writing, please post. The things I'm writing are more than just a struggle, they seem to be my reality. Thanks.

19/06/2017


I went to bed last night in a more straightened out frame of mind. Just doing anything to make some sort of sense of what is happening right now. Recently I seem to be more in control in the late evening.

Today I woke up early in the heat, spent ages on my phone (if it's real), and then eventually went back to sleep until lunchtime. Still very confused as to whether the world is real or not, I got up, spoke to people on the phone, went to the local shop, and ate lunch.

I sat in the garden once again all afternoon. The rest of the day has pretty much been back and forth thoughts much like the ones yesterday. I'm still ultimately confused as to whether this is the real world or whether I'm ill and how things are continuing on as normal.

I haven't been much further than the near vicinity to my house all day (if it's real). I feel like if I got to any other places (if they're real) at the moment will bring back crisis' much like yesterdays. These are the moment where I feel the least accepting of the fact that I may not be in the real world or that I may be seriously ill, and it's when I'm so confused as to why nobody (including myself) is doing much about it.

That's the thing I've been contemplating today. I keep on about how nobody who is supposedly around me in this world seems to do anything about this, yet I feel it, and I don't do anything about it. Is it because I really really deep down think I'm real, because I really feel like I don't? Or is it because I can't do anything? I'm stuck in this fake world and there's nothing I can do about it. If this isn't a fake world, then surely I am delusional and people would notice and be doing something about it.

Looking at what I've just written above gave me a horrible sinking feeling. It even worries me that I wrote so convinced that I am in a fake world. I don't know. Either way, this isn't right. All I can do is keeping moving on I guess until someone does something about it.