Referred to breast clinic, diagnosed myself with breast cancer secondary liver cancer

[HopeI'mWrong:P]

This is the most scared I have ever been. Long story short, 2.5 years ago, I was referred to the breast clinic due to some thickening of breast tissue on just one breast. Was scanned and told that I just had a cyst (no biopsies taken). Since then, as stupid as it sounds, when checking my breasts I have avoided that area because I knew I would keep doubting what they told me. However, I recently did check the area again and have found that there's even more thickness and at least 3 rock hard lumps in my armpit! One is the size of a small marble, one is slightly smaller and the other is pea-sized. Because I haven't been checking, I have no idea how long they have been there. I have been referred to the breast clinic urgently and just have to wait for that, but I'm going insane with worry. I have since learned that the type of breast cancer that my symptoms fit with (which accounts for around 10-15% of BC cases) often isn't picked up on mammograms or ultrasound scans, and is only found using MRI.

The reason I believe that this has spread to my liver (or at the very least, to abdominal lymph nodes) is because for the last couple of months I have been unable to lay on my left side without my upper right abdomen hurting. I get pain and this feeling of pressure start to build up to my neck. It's so bad that I haven't been able to sleep on my left all this time and if I do roll on to that side during the night, I wake up in pain - a very worrying symptom. Btw, I also have undiagnosed bowel inflammation but not so much the signs of IBD (diarrhea). So yeah, I'm basically broken - both physically and mentally. My bf isn't being supportive but I understand why. Throughout the years I have diagnosed myself with numerous conditions, or worried that I will get them. So I get why he doesn't see how this is different. But these are truly the most worrying symptoms I have ever experienced and it's actually one of the most likely diagnoses I've been faced with. I'm 32 with no family history of breast cancer but I have been a heavy drinker for around 10 years - no sprits but about 5-6 units of alcohol (about half bottle of wine) every day and often more at weekends. I actually only recently learned that the breasts are one of the most susceptible to cancer following alcohol misuse. Have quit now, but still, it appears it's too late.

So yeah, here I am. Dying. Scared. Alone. And it's my own fault - I have done this to myself. Both by drinking too much and causing the cancer, and also by not checking my breasts well enough and allowing it to spread. Don't know how I'm going to handle them telling me - I can't. I have a teenage child who needs me. Can't believe how much I have let them down. Sorry for the rant. As mentioned, I can't talk to my bf about it (until diagnosed) and I can't face telling my family. For anyone who has read all of this - thank you.

[Anglo]

I agree with your username. Try not to be too harsh on yourself. Let the doctors do their checks and you might find there's nothing to worry about at all. You know you're not alone with your fears, you know you won't be alone if your fears come true. You might read back over this post in a month time and laugh at how scared you were when it ended up being nothing. It's good of you to recognise why your boyfriend might not be taking it so seriously, I'm guessing it's a bit of a "boy cried wolf" situation, but that doesn't make it any less scary for you. If you've diagnosed yourself plenty before and been wrong then, how is now any different? Really. What about now is different to the other times you've scared yourself?

I posted probably an hour ago that every time I've been convinced there's something wrong with me, I've been wrong. Every time - wrong. Now when I'm "convinced" there's something wrong with me, I think back to every other time I was wrong. Every time I thought I was dying, yet I'm still here. Every time I thought I was sure to get bad news, yet I didn't. Every time I thought I wouldn't last, but I have. I still get scared but those memories help take the edge off a bit. Are you in the same boat as me? Have you scared yourself plenty before and been wrong about it?

You're most probably not dying. You're most understandably scared. You're most certainly not alone. x

[HopeI'mWrong:P]

Thanks so much for replying to me - really appreciate it.

I think you're right about thinking back to all the times I have been convinced I have something then been wrong. I does help... But then this thought creeps in and says "but this is different". I guess because in the past GPs have said "I don't think you have anything to worry about" but this time she said "yes, I can see the thickening in one breast. I can also feel some hard lumps under that arm. So I'm going to refer you to the breast clinic urgently". I expected that to happen but it was still super scary. 9 out of 10 breast lumps are benign, but these are large, hard lymph nodes (the GP said that's what she thought they were) and everything tells me that enlarged, round and hard lymph nodes are pretty much always bad. This coupled with the abdominal pain (and I also have back and pelvic pain) makes me worry even more.

Yeah, up until this scare my bf has been really good. To be honest, I pretty much stop functioning when I'm this afraid. I cry, don't sleep, don't eat, fall behind on housework, etc., and he picks up the slack. I feel awful about it. I try but I'm just so consumed with fear that I'm literally shaking and almost feel paralysed by it. He actually has in the past used the metaphor of "the boy who cried wolf" and I totally get why. However, I did remind him that in that story, the boy knew there was no wolf. I'm more 'the boy who keeps mistaking his own shadow for a wolf'.

Thanks again

[Anglo]

"I'm more 'the boy who keeps mistaking his own shadow for a wolf'" Hahaha I like that. I think I'm that boy too.

I get that exact same "but this is different" feeling, and when I think like that I look for all the evidence to support what I believe and tend to ignore the things that contradict it. It's a horrible disease this health anxiety, you'll know just as much as I do. It's so easy to get caught up in that mindset and eventually you think it can only be true, especially when you find more and more things to support it. Try and break that mindset. Try and carry on with your normal tasks. You haven't received a diagnosis so why let it consume your day-to-day activities? All this worrying for nothing. That's what I try to think about anyway.

You said 9/10 times it's benign, so focus on that figure. 90% of the time it's fine. Large, hard lymph nodes? Fine. Might be something, probably isn't. Act like it isn't until you know otherwise, if that ever happens. Of course the doctor will refer you because they want to be on the safe side. The doctor doesn't pay for your tests, it's no skin off their nose by sending you to someone else. What they don't want is to be 99% confident, send you away and risk that 1% being wrong. They have to cover themselves too and they're following procedure by referring you. They refer you knowing that most of the time it comes up with nothing, but it's better safe than sorry.

Your boyfriend is good for picking up the slack. You're good for recognising that. I hope you show him that appreciation like you're sharing it here. Remind him that you're thankful for helping you out when you've had a bit of a wobble and make sure he knows how much it means to you. Both me and my partner suffer from anxiety and we have to pick up each other's slack all the time and it's very important we let each other know how grateful we are for each other. It can feel really bad putting my troubles on my partner, but my partner is there with me for a reason... just like yours is. I'm sure you'd do just the same for him.

You're very welcome. I know what it's like to worry like you are so I want to make sure you know you're not alone with it. My "certainty" over an illness has made me lose sleep, work, weight and the lot. It's not a pleasant place to be and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You carry on carrying on and you'll come out the other side just like last time and the time before.

[HopeI'mWrong:P]

Thank you. You're right, there's no point living in fear until I get a diagnosis. I know that logically that makes sense anyway... haha. I will try to keep that in mind though. If I do get diagnosed, I'd have given myself a few more 'cancer-free' days, I guess.

It must be tough with both you and your partner suffering with anxiety. I guess you both have an idea of what the other person is going through though, so hopefully that helps. And it's nice that you both make an effort to show each other that you're appreciative - I agree, that's super important.

Sorry to hear you've suffered so badly with HA in the past too. It really is awful. Thanks again for messaging me though - it really has helped me tonight.

[Anglo]

You're right, me and my partner both being able to relate to anxiety does help when the other is struggling.

You're welcome again. I'm glad I could help and you can have a good night or day if you stay up.

You're welcome to PM me or post here if you want to update us or you need to chat some more. I know I like having people to talk to and it's always good when you can speak to someone who can relate.

[Carys]

May I suggest to you the 'Breast cancer now' forum, and the section 'Have I got Breast Cancer' to post in, as an alternative to here (if you need more input from more people who understand the situation fully)?

https://forum.breastcancernow.org/t5..._breast_cancer

I'm not saying you DO have BC, as only a specialist would know based on testing, but this particular section if for people like yourself waiting on their clinic appointments and in a very fearful state of mind. Most, as you said, especially at your age, find out there are benign reasons for their symptoms and move on quickly, others stay during their diagnosis and treatment. It may help you just a little at this time to know of the thousands of women around the country who are facing a situation similar to your own right now, and also understand the complexity of the guilt you feel.

Please remember that even IF something is found of concern, BC is the most effectively treatable of cancer types in the vast majority of cases. It most certainly isn't the instant death scenario that you believe it is, there are a variety of modern individual treatments and surgeries, even for cases of very advanced stage 4 cancers that have metastised. I am yet again NOT saying this is your situation, but letting you know that I know a number of people with stage 4 cancer and with ongoing medication they have lived long lives. This is frightening for you, really frightening, and I understand every emotion you are feeling right now, even the fear of dying, but even for those diagnosed there is life after diagnosis

Do keep posting here, and hanging on during the roller coaster of emotions, your answer will come but its going to be psychologically painful now waiting on this appointment. Anglo is right, but its easier said than done, nothing is known right now and no amount of worrying will change anything so take it easy with the jumping ahead to the 'what ifs'.

[Carys]

I have since learned that the type of breast cancer that my symptoms fit with (which accounts for around 10-15% of BC cases) often isn't picked up on mammograms or ultrasound scans, and is only found using MRI.

You can't possibly know this from feeling, you are jumping far too far with this assertion. Even in people with a BC diagnosis the first biopsy will tell you fairly certainly the 'type of Breast Cancer', and a full tumour biopsy after surgery will give the complete picture. I think you are doing far too much reading on BC types right now, of which there are a huge number of subtly different variations

Hold off the diagnoses ! I can't possibly tell you 'yes' it is or 'no' it isn't, but I can tell you this - I've known enough people who have imagined a vastly worse situation than actually exists in their body, or even imagined things with absolute clarity that weren't connected or didn't exist.