I had been congratulating myself on being so much better the last few months, now here I am again.

I am totally fixated on my armpit at the moment. One day I thought one armpit looked puffier than the other. I couldn’t feel a specific lump, just an overall puffiness type thing. Ever since then, my anxiety has just been out of control.

Now I feel like sometimes I can feel a feeling - like a sore muscle, type ache in my armpit. It is not all the time, but I would feel it every day. I think maybe the feeling moves, though, sometimes it’s at the front crease of my armpit, sometimes towards the back. I don’t think it is ever actually IN my armpit (if you know what I mean). The puffiness is in the front crease of my armpit - also not IN my armpit.

Sometimes when I can’t feel that funny ache, I look for it and wonder why it’s not there....and the worst part is I’m just not sure if sometimes it’s just in my mind. I do definitely feel it though. It’s getting to the point where I can’t look at myself in the mirror, or touch that part of my body. I’m just not sure that’s normal.

My husband has looked many times and says both armpits look the same to him, and that they don’t feel different to him. Then I think to myself, if it was something fatal he wouldn’t be able to see it anyway...

Surely if it was the C word the pain would be severe and constant, not coming and going? I am fixated on lymph nodes, but I have to honest, I don’t even know where they are in my armpit (are they right up in the top? Or around the edges?? Probably best not to answer anyway, it will just fuel the beast for me).....But, again, how normal is it to worry about something like that if you don’t even know where you should be worried about or what it would feel like? I just need some help.

I’m sorry for the long post, but I just can’t get past this. If anyone has any words of wisdom for me I would appreciate it.