I have been on & off Citalopram since the age of 21 (10 years). It has always greatly bothered me that I "need" them & that I wasn't taught coping mechanisms for my anxiety back in the beginning. I was also never really reviewed, so just kept going on & off them for years not realising that's not what I should be doing until finally I started experiencing panic attacks/racing thoughts & couldn't quite manage without them! That's when I realised I had to stay on them for a long time before weaning myself off. They always work brilliantly for me, too brilliantly really, as they eliminate my racing thoughts, panic attacks and the feelings of absolute sadness.
Anyway, this time around I was on the meds for about 2 years before I decided to wean off them, of which I did over the course of 1 year (mostly just taking half of a 10mg tablet- which suited me fine).
I was determined to stay off them & have now been off for 10 months exactly. I was excited to come off them to start a family with my fiancé which, when on the meds, seemed like an exciting & feasible prospect. My partner & I were in a good position - recently engaged & I was very content with life.
Well, what a shit show these last 10 months have been. In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best time for me to come off them, but hindsight is the most wonderful thing, ey?
Things that have happened since coming off the meds:
- 1 year anniversary of my grandmother's death
- great Aunt passed away
- another Aunt passed away very suddenly at a young age after only being diagnosed 12 weeks prior (cue crippling health/existential anxiety)
- stepchildren moved away to Australia after only being told last minute
- car problems (might seem a small thing to some but when you're already in a panic state, an engine failure light coming on whilst driving is enough to tip you over the edge!)
- fiancé took a new job & had to work away a lot for training, something that is new to me
- booked wedding for 2 year's time - realised how expensive everything is
- own health issues - having abdominal scans at hospital
- Uncle passed away
- Autistic brother tried to run away/threaten to commit s**cide whilst I was staying down my mums
How my anxiety presents itself:
- health anxiety - about my own health & others'.
- relationship anxiety (my hardest one to deal with). Am I in the right relationship? Is he the cause of my anxiety? Or is my anxiety causing me to feel this way? I do not question this at all when I'm on meds. I think I am anxiously attached. He is easy going/stubborn/doesn't understand mental health & I'm anxious and want constant reassurance/attention - not the easiest combo. I seem to only focus on the negatives of our relationship when I'm off meds & then I have panic attacks about it. But he is a lovely man who I have been with for over 8 years & I don't want to give up yet. It is worth noting that I moved away to be with him, I have no family or close friends here, so I do rely on him for my happiness which I know is an unhealthy idea.
- racing heart daily
- regular panic attacks
- constantly questioning if I feel right, or if I'm acting right, or if I should be feeling happier
- absolute emotional overwhelm - I seem to react much more & feel much more than anybody else. I have feelings of complete sadness & overwhelm on a regular basis.
- I'm petrified of getting pregnant. When I'm anxious, I never feel like it will be the "right time". I'm not sure I'll ever feel ready (although when I was on meds, I did).
- I struggle to feel happy. I cry regularly.
- I feel bitter & sad that I suffer with anxiety
- I feel like I've lost myself. I do not know what is me or what is anxiety anymore. I sometimes feel like it would be easier if I wasn't in anybodys lives & that I should just run away from it all.
Positive things I have noticed in the last 10 months -
- My IBS has improved significantly since being off meds
- Less headaches since being off the meds
- My sex drive is starting to improve
- I've managed to "accept" my racing thoughts enough so that I no longer have regular panic attacks, I've been doing yoga weekly, which I love & am proud of how far I've come.
- I've tried all sorts of things to help - acceptance, yoga, acupuncture, cbd, vitamins, hypnotherapy, meditation etc. These can help with the panic side of things.
Why I'm going back on meds:
Apart from the few positives above, the last 10 months have been miserable. Worse than miserable really - it's just been one big struggle to keep on going. I've had very few days where I've felt comfortable & I'm so, so tired. I think I am a little messed up inside & don't want to do anything irrational (I.e. ruin my relationship) without at least seeing if I can settle my brain first. I just can't bare another 40+ years of my life (if I'm lucky) with this mental torment. I just want to feel at peace again.
I am currently seeing a psychotherapist who believes I just need to be on the meds for life as a maintenance dose. I struggle with this concept but am slowly starting to accept it. I am also waiting to be assessed for ADHD as I fit a lot of the criteria. I have just taken my second QUARTER of a 10mg citalopram tablet this morning (I have to start very low as I react badly to starting meds - I will up it in about a week). I hope I can get back to myself soon. The bad dreams & increased anxiety have already started!
Thank you if you have managed to read this far. X