As was probably expected by some, I crashed and burned though this dreadful situation I am in.

The last week my depression has been increasing to the point where I wake up now and I am instantly angry, like my head wants to explode. But I don't. Started becoming very irraltion in my thoughts. I'm struggling to speak properly without stuttering and forgetting words. People are annoying me. Everybody. Anybody. I am so tired.

I've followed the stages of grief and my pattern of thinking and behaviour is someone consistent.

Some of it is my own fault. When we broke up I stopped taking my meds because I thought I needed to hyperfocus and look for work, and appear to be strong and doing fine.

Bad idea. Very bad idea. Sure, I was fine for about 2 weeks and then day-by-day I became worse. Today was pretty much the pinicle and I almost ended up in an argument with ex because she was playing a dance song that was about Jesus (pbuh) in a derogatory way. And she knows my faith, but played it loud, and that made me think it was a personal attack. I went for a walk.

Meds taken today, now feel like I want to sleep all day with the nasty side effects.

3 weeks ago I demanded the doctor never speak to me again and got angry with him over the phone for delaying my medications. Once again. I took it as a personal attack that the doctors were purposely putting me through this. I thought there was collusion going on to deny me of medications.

I also keep thinking people are talking about me, and monitoring me. Not a nice feeling at all.

Very irrational thoughts sometimes that plague me.

I need to slow down and move at a tortoise pace through this situation do you agree? I am rushing around aimlessly at the moment with no direction. That feeling of I can't sit still.

I should be moving any time now, within 2 weeks. I'm nervous because I am only taking the sofa from here so I can sleep on. I don't have any other house items, and no idea when I'll be able to get those things. That's another stress. How will I wash clothes? How will I cook a nutritious meal? How will do the basic things.

It's just leaving me so flat, low, agitated, angry, frustrated etc.