School Playground Politics & Paranoia!

[mumof2]

Annoyed at myself as I probably being stupidly paranoid, but I just can’t help myself.

My son started school this year at a lovely, friendly school. He’s made friends and is very happy. I’m on friendly terms with many of the mums. He’s been invited to 6 parties this term which I was pretty chuffed about until I discovered that several other children have been to more than twice that number! I’ve spent hours analysing the reasons why he might not have been invited to certain parties and worrying that people do not like me or my son. I know I’m probably being ridiculous as, in most cases, there are good explanations i.e. he doesn’t play with the child, or in one case really doesn’t get on with the child so no wonder he wasn’t on the guest list! He’s one of a few moving to a different class next term, so maybe that’s another reason? We haven’t held a party of our own yet, whereas most of the others have, so I’m sure a lot of them are simply return invites. I’m perfectly aware that not everyone can get invited to every party and I’m sure that many of the kids have been to fewer parties than my son, but it seems to be the same children that get invited all the time! In fact, during a conversation with one mum, I mentioned one party my son was going to and it became clear that her child was not invited but I bet she didn’t spend half the night worrying about it!

I also find myself getting upset if I discover that some of the mums & kids have met up after school, even though we’ve been invited round to play ourselves in the past, when others haven’t. However, I always wait for others to make the first move, I just can’t pluck up the courage to invite people round and so far have never got beyond “you must come round one day” but never actually follow it through with a firm invite!

I went on a night out with the mums recently and although I quite enjoyed myself it was spoilt by my constantly worrying what people thought of me and whether I was boring them. I also felt a bit hurt when I realised that some of them had been on nights out before that I hadn’t been invited to.

There’s one mum who I consider to be very quiet and mouselike. I’ve tried chatting to her before but frankly find her a bit boring! I’m hardly Mrs Extrovert, but consider myself a bit more lively than her! However, her kid is one of those that gets invited to everything. She seems really popular amongst the other mums and its tying me in knots trying to figure out why, so much so that I find myself resenting her which I realise is really unfair. NB. Hers is the child that my son doesn’t like and we once had to physically separate them outside school. It was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other and I reprimanded my child for his behaviour and made him apologise, yet she did nothing which frankly made me dislike her even more.

I know I really need to snap out of this as I have years of this ahead of me and have to learn how to handle it. I feel that I’m back at school myself. I was often the kid that got left out at school (was also bullied) which may explain why I’m reacting like this. I’m terrified that history might repeat itself for my children and want to do everything in my power to prevent it! Can anyone else relate to this?

Thanks for listening, but I just had to get it off my chest.

[bluesparkle]

hello
i know exactely what you are saying and although my kids are older now i remember the school playground well.
please dont think it is you or your child. . . like you say most of it is return invites but i like yourself found it hard to invite people round for one reason or anouther. . . so i started off with just occasionally inviting one child and just giving them a short time to have tea and play . . and you will find once you`ve done it you will feel comfortable in making the time longer.
i was sometimes left out at school too and i really did worry about my kids when they were at school and still do (youngest is 13).
but they will have friends even if its not loads and sometimes i think that is better really as the friends they have will be good friends.
try not to worry i know it easy for me to say, its our anxiety/panic that makes it worse.
maybe on a good day invite mum and child round, i often have to wait till the day to see how i feel as pre planning it i just get in a state.
anyway im not very good at putting into words what i want to say but just wanted to let you know you are not alone
have a
rach
x

[milly jones]

i cant offer any advise as the mother of an 11 year old who visits school as rearely as possible and does anything to avoid social chit chat outside school.

i spent years with my son going to breakfast and after sch clubs to avoid the playground pick ups.

my son rarely got invited to parties too, but as hes older hes decided who his mates are and they know about me lol.

i cant have the fuss and noise about having his mates here, and its been really hard on him, but i guess hes realised that its just part of me now. he sometimes gets frustrated, but he does understand.

ur definately not alone hunny

milly xxx

[jodie]

hiya

aww please try not to worry i know how you feel but put it out of your mind you will not get on with all of them ,some you will love and some you will hate thats how i see it ,i have a little girl at school and have 3 good frends i have made that have kids in the same class but some of the mums i fine tbh lol but i just dont even bother with then i get on with the ones i like and just smile at the ones i am not keen on .as for the partys i think when she was 4 and not at full time school she went to all of then but as she went in to school full time that is when they make there frends ect now she only gose to about as your little boy dose ,why not try get some phone numbers today befor they have there 6 weeks and have some kids round to play !

jodie xx

[samc100]

Please don't get upset about the party invite situation. My boy is at nursery and I often think " Why didn't he get invited to their party?" when the reality is he doesn't hang around with them and I never invited them to his. There is alot of return invites and the ones who are always off to parties will be return invites!

And parents feel obliged to invite those whose parties they've attended - take into account how many kids can be invited, well there is usually no room for anyone else to go! Especially if at a play centre cos' you have to put a limit on numbers.

Look at it the other way - if your son is in a class of 30 kids and he went to all the parties that would be over 2 parties a month to go to. That is hell of a lot of pressies to buy and alot of weekends wasted in the village hall or play centre.

[belle]

Hi, i wouldn't worry to much or spend time 'analysing' it. I've not have a single mum speak to me in the FIVE years my son has been in school AND the last party he was invited to was 3 years ago.

I did wonder if i smelt or if i am that hideous to look at that people won't approach me! Perhaps i do smell and look that ugly...but its not something i have time to worry about.

Hope this makes you feel better!

[breeze25]

again I wouldn't worry, when my son was a few years younger and had parties I would say he could invite 10, he was friends with most of the class and always wanted to invite 20+ but had to whittle the numbers down.

There are a lot of people like you who like others to make the first move, I just started inviting kids round after school and invited the mum to stay for a bit and have a coffee, built up friends that way.

If the mums didn't like you then you wouldn't of been invited to the latest night out.

When my son first started school i got upset when he didn't get invited to a party, it was a hall job and pretty much the rest of the class were invited, but it didn't seem to bother my son so I stopped letting it bother me.

Hopefully you can get past this as like you siad many more years ahead.