My anxiety is going out of control

[tom1]

Hi everyone, I just joined this site tonight as I felt it was the appropriate time to let off some steam.

Basically, I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 16 (now 21) but I have been suffering from anxiety and depression since I was very little. It only got diagnosed and treated when I was 16, which is when I came to realise that something is just not right. I asked myself why do I feel the way I do? and I pretty much found out I had an anxiety disorder. So inevitably I went to my doctor who referred me to a therapist who then diagnosed it. Long story short, I worked with my therapist using CBT for 2 years or so, which gave me some very useful tools and information at fighting my anxiety. However, this wasn't enough as my symptoms were too physical (vomiting, fainting, disorientation) and something else needed to be of assistance. This was medication. At this point a psychiatrist was appointed to me, who put me on fluoxetine (didn't work), then citalopram (did work but made me very sleepy) then paroxetine (worked very well but eventually made me very sleepy) and finally sertraline (worked a little). I was on medication for over 2 years. When they worked they were brilliant, and my anxiety was very manageable. But sometimes, the side-effects outweighed the positive effects of the medication, so I eventually decided to come off.

Now, I am experiencing severe anxiety all over again. It's been over 4 months since coming off (weaning with supervision) and I feel as though I have gone back completely to how I felt before I was on my medication. Sure I am more wise, and I can now work out why I feel the way I do from CBT, but that doesn't stop some of my other symptoms from anxiety. The medication essentially allowed me to get on with my life and use the tools from CBT better. Now I am kind of regretting my choice in coming off medication but at the same time, thinking I shouldn't. Since from day one I never liked the idea of taking something to feel 'normal'. Plus, there is all this negativity about taking medication in general and how it is overprescribed. There is also that 'stereotype' that people have when they find out you are on medication... which I absolutely hate!!

I am in a bad situation at the moment, I had to quit my job because I couldn't cope with the anxiety from it. I am also learning to drive but it has been absolute hell because I am panicking at the wheel. I am also a student at university, and I also find university very taxing on my anxiety, and I am worried I will quit because of my anxiety. All I want to do is just get on with my life, not feel sick to my stomach about things and certainly not avoid things that are vital in my life such as university, driving and a job.

I have been put on a waiting list to see someone about my anxiety, since I was discharged from my psychiatrist when I came off my medication.

I just don't know what to do. I am ashamed to say I've resorted to alcohol to calm my anxiety which is something I thought I'd never do. I can see this already heading down a slippery slope, but I just don't know what I can do in the meantime.

[never2late]

I wish you the best, and I'm pullin' for 'ya, Tom. Sometimes its a rather drawn out road to total recovery. Are you having a few "good" days thrown in every once-in-a-while? If not, they may be on their way. Of course, we have to take the bad with the good, so bad days will come and go as well.

Just hang in there. Post here and get things off your chest. You'll find a lot of people here who care, and its good to just be able to talk about it. It has a calming effect.

All the best.

[Bill]

Tom,

When I was your age I felt exactly the same as you. I didn't go to university but "living" produced the same symptoms for me whether it was due to driving tests, exams, going to school every day or my job etc, or even if I heard or saw things that scared me. Many a time I'd be stuck on the loo or being sick.

I never saw a psychiatrist or any other professional except my doctor who never referrred me because I never told them as I thought it was just "normal" to feel so ill. I even tried to hide how I felt from my parents who when they saw I wasn't well just put it down to nerves.

I was sensitive, shy, very intense and a deep thinker. I guess I still am but I've learnt how to cope with "me" so that I no longer suffer those symptoms except for sometimes needing the loo on a particularly bad day!

So, I can only tell you the things I've learnt that have helped me. Learn not to be so intense by being more laid back. Take time out to relax and find things that you really enjoy. Don't dwell on worries but instead focus on positive thoughts. Learn what works for you when faced with something that causes you extreme anxiety. Perhaps using meditation or relaxing/favourite music. Find a hobby or do exercise. Don't think too far in advance but instead on what you want to achieve in the present. Go out and mix with mates and have a good time. Remember your deep breathing and not allow your muscles, especially your stomach muscles to tense up by focussing on them to prevent "pulling them in".

Build confidence and focus on what you're doing rather than what you're feeling. Ease up on yourself. Don't put yourself under even more pressure. Talk to friends. Don't bottle up feelings and emotions.

If you feel stressed, learn ways to keep relaxed or take time outs where possible.

These are a few thoughts to help in the meantime but hopefully the person will see will give you hands on ways to how you how to change your thought processes etc.

Wish you well!

[nettles]

Hi Tom

I can really empathize with you, I never went to university as the usual age because I was so ill with my anxiety, I also had virtually no social life and was totally depressed about my outlook for the future. Like you I had been down the antidepressants and therapy route, which gave initial relief, but didn't "solve" things long term.
Firstly, have you tried going to talk to a counsellor at college? College is so much harder for you with an anxiety problem and you shouldn't be expected to cope the same as the other students. As well as the practical help they may offer you, you will probably feel relieved to have been open about the anxiety. Part of the problem is trying to keep all your symptoms hidden from everyone, who you feel won't understand, or will see you differently if you were honest. This pressure only makes the symptoms worse, so it's a good idea if you can speak openly to a few people. Also colleges are very understanding if you do need to take a bit of time out - I have worked at a college and it's more common than you think.

Bill is right though, long term you need to lighten up; learn to let thoughts, feelings, worries appear, but not hold on to them; try to be rational and see your thoughts for what they are - just thoughts - then let them leave you again without causing all this trauma to your mind and body. This takes a lot of practice, and won't happen over night. Learning to meditate is an excellent way of learning to control your thoughts, and to distance yourself from them. Maybe get a book on meditation, or a podcast off the internet. It's hard work, but really worthwhile. Anxiety is all about how we perceive the world, and you need to change your perception so that everything is less threatening and scary. Sometimes this only comes with time, experience and age; it's taken me twenty years since my first panic attacks to feel on top of them.

Deep breathing is essential, it will relax your stomach muscles to stop the nausea and relax the body. If you feel symptoms coming on, try to put all your focus on breathing deep from your stomach, and not focus on the anxiety. Exercise such as walking is great, again it relaxes the body and increases your oxygen intake. I'm sorry if I'm repeating things your therapist has already said, I know it's never easy, but these things really do help if you persevere.

The other thing to remember is not to put immense pressure on yourself to be "well" or "normal", this will only increase your anxiety. Ease up on yourself, be kind to yourself. I ended up going to University as a mature student when I was 25 and was more in control of my anxiety, I was able to work better, I was more focussed and more determined as I'd been through so much to get myself there. So please don't feel like you have to get better and accomplish everything now, if you don't feel up to it, take a break; relaxing is the most important thing.

Lastly, you probably already know alcohol is a depressant and if you're using it as a crutch instead of just a social pleasure, it's best to stop before that becomes a serious problem in itself.

I hope some of this has helped.
Take care,
Nettles

[tom1]

Hi thank you very much for the replies. I really, really appreciate them. There is some very interesting techniques/ways you have all described to help me fight my anxiety.

I am grateful I can actually talk here, since another website I was on (I won't mention the name) had a rogue moderator who decided to all of a sudden delete posts for no reason at all (never had been done before just all of a sudden). I kept losing all my posts that I spent ages to type which really angered me since none of my posts broke any rules. When I asked why they were deleted, I was asked not to question any actions of the moderators and was promptly banned. This made me very, very careful and anxious about coming back to a message board again. So thank you for the warm welcome.

At this point in my life, I really do not know which way I am heading, since I feel constantly unpredictable. Every decision I make is on how I feel, not what I think. Understandably this is problematic since I don't do things I want to or I am supposed to. I really want to overcome that problem.

A while ago I had a tarot card reading about my life and future, and I was told I would be very content with my life in the future. Which really surprised me since I am always feeling down and depressed about my life. Hopefully that future is true and there is light at the end of the tunnel for me, but for now I've just got to get through my current state of problems.

[tom1]

Just want add something quickly, before I forget (sorry for double posting).

One thing that really bugs me is how intrusive my thoughts are. I get really wild 'what if' thoughts pop into my head. I often try to ignore them as I know they are absurd but I keep getting them. It's like they just get in my head somehow, when I am minding my own business. It can be any time, any place and they pop in there. I tell myself they are silly thoughts and often try to downplay them, but they still persist. It infuriates me sometimes because even when I am trying to distract myself I find myself still being intruded by them, often resulting in some kind of bad anxiety. I get so worked up by the end it takes me a long time to calm back down. An example of this would be at night, where I lay in bed and I am tired and I am about to sleep, then all of a sudden a really wild thought will pop in there like "someone or something is in the house" or sometimes my mind will go back and fourth over 'events' where things have gone wrong, and I will be almost reliving them and playing them out. Sometimes I am literally repeating things I've done or said in the said event, then I realise what I am doing and try to stop.

Basically, I always thought this was a mild form of OCD or something, but since I have never been diagnosed with anything other than anxiety and depression I don't know. But it seems to me like it's something that needs to be looked into.

I hope that makes sense.

[Meewah]

Hi Tom

I had the same "What if thoughts" and could only interact with them. I then learnt meditation techniques which worked for immediate relaxation, this led me to studying Buddhism which taught me how to allow thoughts to come in to my mind and realise that they had come in to my head but not interact with them and they would disipate. It works it is as if I have two minds, a mind that thinks irrational thoughts and another which watches that one with interest this skill is called mindfullness. Buddhism has taught me lots of skills to deal with how I think and realise that I should not stop the thoughts just learn not to interact with them now I smile when I have thoughts and I visualise them floating away like a cloud.

Try googling Meditation and the name of a city near where you live it might help.

Good Luck

Mee.

[Bill]

An example of this would be at night, where I lay in bed and I am tired and I am about to sleep, then all of a sudden a really wild thought will pop in there like "someone or something is in the house"

I would suspect this is a symptom of the stress you're feeling. Stress tries to prevent us from relaxing because it heightens our senses to "be on guard", on the look out for danger at all times even when none actually exists so it will produce irrational thoughts like you mention above. It's part of the fight or flee process.

Stress produces adrenalin which we produce when we're confronted by danger so when there's no actual danger to confront, the mind will create an irrational fear rather like having nightmares about running away from something which occur after a stressful day which has made us feel trapped so we feel a need to escape (to flee from stress) which we act out in our dreams.

As Mee says, if you can find ways to relax the mind such as meditation, the irrational thoughts will float away. When you're laying in bed, teach your mind to focus on relaxing thoughts such as being an eagle (free as a bird) flying among the clouds gliding on the breeze on a warm summers day.

[Yvonne]

Tom

I think you have had some good replies here. Bill's advice is always excellent.

I just wanted to give you a little reassurance that "it's not just you" kind of thing with the anxiety getting bad again following cessation of meds. It does happen Tom. It's happened to me lots of times when I've come off meds, the anxiety comes back with a vengeance.

The way you described the meds was spot on as well. The meds can make you feel a bit dopey and you can get side effects which can be a real bummer. If it were me, I think I would speak to your gp or ask for a referral back to the psychiatrist and discuss with him/her another med. I see you've had Prozac, Seroxat and Sertraline. There are others you could try. Even if the meds took the edge off the anxiety and helped you to cope better with life it would be better than you are now.

Whilst I, and many others would give anything to go med free sometimes you just can't. If you feel that you can cope and use your cbt skills to cope then all praise to you. Get yourself a hypnotherapy cd - lots of websites on the net. David Landau is very good.

Bill; Just how do you find something that you are really interested in and that you really enjoy. I bet I've asked you this before lol!!

Take carexxx

[nettles]

Hi Tom,
I don't think it's OCD, part of the anxiety is the racing, over-analytical mind which examines things in ridiculous detail. I've had this problem, I found myself still going over things that happened ten years ago, or I would jump to the worst possible conclusion about a situation (if the phone rang late at night I'd assume someone had died, or if my dad wasn't home when I popped by I'd assume he'd been rushed to hospital etc) this was the hangover of some bad experiences when I was younger when I really did live in a chaotic situation and things were always out of hand.
Like Meewah, I have learnt to control my thoughts through meditation and Buddhism - as a philosophy Buddhism makes incredible sense, it teaches you how to "hold every experience with a light touch", not to cling to things, and how not to react to your daily obstacles. It is all about liberating yourself from the incessant chatting of the mind. I listen to Buddhist podcasts when I'm out and about and it brings a sense of calm. I'm not a "religious" person at all, but it has done more to help by anxiety than years of therapy and meds.
Best regards,

Nettles