bit of help and advice needed please

[HeatherMc]

I have been off work for six weeks now and taking Citalopram manging to hold things together despite the horrible anxiety, depression, racing thoughts, early wakening, then being sleepy for the rest of the day, managing housework, washing cooking etc, managed some Christmas shopping in Liverpool thought I was doing ok and even thinking of going back to work in a couple of weeks and I guess I have been obsessing a bit about getting better.

But the last few days have been awful, I have been feeling very tired and staying in bed till midday as I felt as though I have been coming down with something. I hasten to add that I have been getting up at 7 to see my daughter is ready for school and she leaves the house at 7.45 and I have been getting back to bed and either reading or watching T.V.
Yesterday lying in bed I felt very dizzy and panicked I felt like I was going to pass out or something, the first thing in my head was its a stroke or anuresym or heart attack what if I die and my poor daughter is ill in bed in the next room, she will be terrified. I immediatly got a rapid heart beat (I knew I had given myself a fright) and the sweat was pouring out of me, I am terrified now. I have been waking up again through the night and becoming very tearful.

I am worried about getting through Christmas, worried about getting back to work, my husband has said that he cannot take no more of this and if I don't get back to work will have to split up and sell the house. I need to get back to work but I still feel like rubbish and I am terrifield of these attacks in work, I work in a hospital and would be so embarrassed. I cannot get a hold of myself when this is happening and think that I am about to die or pass out, I feel so ashamed for letting myself slide back into this and I know it is only me that can control it. Now I am lying in bed terrified crying my eyes out, I feel so stupid helpless and frightended.

Sorry for the long rant

Heather

[ladybird64]

Hi Heather

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time at the moment.
My first thoughts are that you need to go back and see your doctor as you are obviously really struggling, it doesn't help matters that hubby is putting pressure on you to return to work.
Sometimes families and friends just don't get it..do they think that we enjoy being ill?
One thing that does strike me though is the way you have been feeling over the past few days. It may be the start of a virus or something like that but I think it's down to your anxiety, the fact that you had the dizzy panicky feeling while in bed would suggest that.
I don't think going back to bed every morning is helping you, I do understand how physically worn down this anxiety can make you feel but while you're lying in bed you have nothing else to focus on.
Please don't think I'm having a go, I promise I'm not, but you know how easy it is for us to over analyse every thing that we feel..and then we make ourselves feel worse.
I see that you work in a hospital..stressful at the best of times. But do you see that there are many people here on the forum who work in hospitals or caring professions? Anxiety and depression are not selective and they can affect any of us so you musn't feel embarrassed..you may be surprised how understanding people can be.
The thing with the panics (stating the obvious here!) is that they do make us feel like we are going to drop like a stone..but we don't. We also feel like everyone can see that there is something wrong..but the chances are they can't.
When it happens to me I swear blind that those around me can notice me fidgiting, sweating, going red and shaking..but they don't.
I am constantly angry with myself (I'm a bit of a control freak!) that I can allow these feelings to get the better of me but I'm working to get past that and go with the flow. Don't be ashamed, you're entitled to have a blip now and then but more importantly, don't ever think that you're stupid, no matter how others may make you feel.
You are doing your best at the moment and have accomplished a lot recently, it is quite common to have a "comedown" after tackling lots of things.
Have a good cry, then wriggle out from under that quilt and make an appointment to see your GP. Daytime TV is enough to make anyone's depression/anxiety feel worse!
If you want to PM me, feel free.

[HeatherMc]

Thanks for the replies after posting that this am, I decided that this bloomin thing was not going to get the better of me, I got in the shower, got dressed and took my daughter to town to finish the Christmas shopping, she had to take yesterday off school due to a vomiting bug type thing, she was quite violently ill, she seemed to perk up this am and I wanted to keep an eye on her before she returns to school and to make sure she had a meal or two and kept it down.
I thi nk I have probably had something or another what am I like and I was determind not to let the dizzy spell beat me, after all there could be lots of reasons for it. I think I have had a bug or something. Will go back to GPs for advice I have been having CBT for a while and it seemed to be working, I think it is just the time of year, as I have lost a couple of mates with brain haemorrages in December one in 97 and one in 2003.

Thanks very much for the advice didn't think you were having a go Ladybird sometimes we need to be told straight!


Lots of Love

Heather