CBT - A FRESH START. Here we go then!

[WillLatch]

Winston Churchill used to call his depressed days "Black Dog Days".. and he'd spend a fair bit of them when he could in the company of his pigs. "Cats look down on you, dogs look up at you - pigs treat you as equals". I haven't got a pig.

But today is another day and I will just have to tell anyone who rings and complains that there isn't any money! Simple as that. As with my CBT, strategies are in place for helping me cope, as are strategies in place and in discussion for reduced payments etc and of course shortfalls and bad payers weren't just going to sail away on a sea of paid invoices and cheques. (Little bit of the Pirates game creeping in there).

So I have to face my demons today, take positive action where I can, TAKE MY DIAZEPAM and my sleeping tablet if needs be. I had a week with no meds and had a total of 6mg of Diazepam yesterday and knocked myself out with 10mg of Zolpidem. Then it was 7am. Great kip. I am not tired. 2mg of Diaz today and time to tell myself that the meds are there to help but WHILE THEY ARE IN PLACE - BE EFFECTIVE ABOUT DEALING WITH THE PROBLEMS THERE AS BEST AS I CAN. Here's a simple thought that's just sprung into my head. "Failure" IS sometimes an option. And excusable if I can't come up with an answer.

As for Ms CBT - I suspect she will dress as attractively and elegantly as she always does. She certainly wouldn't feel threatened by the compliment and is more than capable of coping with my occasional glance. She does indeed read this forum and complimented me by asking if she could offer it to other CBTers to follow if they wished and draw their attention to NMP.

Meanwhile I'm off to find a pig.

[Yvonne]

Get me one too. xx

[Veronica H]

Well done for dealing with the financial stuff Liam. Glad you are getting some sleep.

Veronica

[WillLatch]

Well that was a poo day in the "anxiety feelings" department. I've had 4 x 2mg of Diazepam and still can't knock it. I shall take a Zolpidem again to sleep because after such a day I just don't want to nod off wondering if I'm going to be waking up all the time. I know my partner is concerned that some of this anx is a chemical reaction thing to the Zolpidem but I'm not sure. It was a good week until Tuesday's CBT with no tablets at all for seven days but I came away troubled about "ex" stuff and then compounded it with the "Here we go again" cashflow problems. And although I've done all the "Will you accept blah... " payment letters and formal requests stuff, at the end of the day.. even if they say yes to all the requests and schedules... there's still got to be enough coming in to pay the deals made. And THAT is the crux of cashflow.

And just cos it's gone belly up again this week (enough for the staff salaries but nowt for me).. I'm all in a tizzy again. So Veronica.. despite your praise I aint dealing with the financial stuff in my head properly yet.. and that is so much harder than the real thing.

I was given a book today called "Stress proof your life" by Elisabeth Wilson. I've never looked at such a tome... "52 brilliant ideas for taking control". Chapters include "Cure yourself of the disease to please", "Ditch the debt", "Burnt out?" Relevant topics and chapters but possibly a bit flippantly written for me.. at least in this current state.

So it's time for a bit of Pirates.. and then hit the sack and hope that the body can calm when I'm asleep. the two eldest were over this evening for "Table War" and 2nd son started working with me as well today so he's staying over. I imagine that'll happen for the weeks he's working so I am not alone. 2moro night I am and that will be IRONING night. Eldest and girlfriend to stay Saturday and then soulmate is back on Sunday.

Tuesday we have an important meeting in London, so I've actually booked train tickets instead of driving, booked the Holiday Inn at Regents Park because I had a stack of reward points so a freebie.. we'll TRY to take the evening off and maybe go see a show or a movie.

Something to look forward to. I have LOADS of that tho. Soulmate sent me a skype message at work today saying.. "You're much loved and surrounded by life rafts. You just have to keep hanging on until you get better". After Pirates I shall go sniff her nightie.

Tomorrow she has to go to the dentist. HER biggest fear and phobia. Nothing I can do but be there with her in spirit. I so wish I could have her dentistry for her.

A downward curve on this rollercoaster thread after two weeks of pretty good movement and up tempo writing. I hope it starts to level out 2moro. I've set a day where apart from paying staff I DONT spend too much time at a computer doing finance and poo jobs. Half an hour in the voice over booth and then a PHYSICAL day.. Let's hope the sun can shine in my head a bit again. However the forecast at present appears cloudy and a little overcast. Liam

[Veronica H]

Hi Liam. I love your soul mates message about the life rafts, what a lovely supportive partner she is. Sorry about the financial hassles, but these are extraordinary times and hopefully therefore more understanding out there on all sides regarding financial problems.....I know how optimistic of me...but lets run with it.
It is a huge relief to know what causes the anxiety and panic and it brings instant relief because we start to let go and this reduces tension. The nerves are still sensitised though and there is so much to 'unlearn' about the way we think. Look back to how you were a few months ago and I can guarantee that you will have made progress with this. Expect it to be a bit of a rollercoaster ride though, and remember that thoughts can become feelings instantly with this illness, so float the negative thoughts out without tuning in to them if you can, so you give yourself some peace. Have a good weekend with your kids and soulmate.

Veronica

[WillLatch]

Friday 24th. I suppose if yesterday was a poo day... then today was slightly less poo..eee. On the basis that I've only just had the 3rd tab and hopefully that will get me through the remains of the evening. Yawning like a good un tho. Does Diazepam accumulate in your system? I am new to these meds. As it's Friday I'll cut the 10mg of Zolpidem to 5mg tho.. and if I wake, so be it. There's a stack of ironing to do as student son brought round a santa sack full of washing last night.. including all his hoodies.. So I'll go watch a movie in a minute, crank up the steam and try and fight the negative thoughts.

Cos of the trip to London on Tuesday I've brought forward my CBT to Monday. And it can't come round fast enough so that I can go "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED" at the last session that set this downward curve off before I got wound up by the cashflow? What nerve did we touch that I've still not fathomed out?

Short posting today. Going to try and do lots this weekend... domestic, garden etc. Taking a poorly Bonsai to a garden centre but I think it's a gonner. Get in the pond and clear some weed so that the fish can SEE it's spring. And get this. Thin out the ridiculous accumulation of allen keys and drill bits with the aid of a "digital vernier calliper". That's got you all going eh? How radical is THAT for a bit of therapy?!?!?!

Here's my next daft statement. Why did I think I'd get my head into trouble, decide to follow advice, take medication and go for CBT and think it would all be sorted in a month?!?!? WHAT A NUPTY. Veronica has helped me take that on board. Compared with a month ago I AM better. And I'm sure there's plenty of people on this site who have the experience of going "Yeah yeah... writes a bit of forum and thinks it's all on the mend in a jiffy".

Well this is something else I'm going to have to take on board. I guess tho that gradually you LEARN TO SEE THE TRAIN COMING IN ADVANCE and strategies put in place while on this learning curve can be applied sooner in the future. And perhaps that's how we prevent the potential crash.

Enough cliche and metaphor. Time to spit on the iron, roll up the sleeves, face the music, take the bull by the horns, look the devil in the eye...

And get on with my student son's monumental pile of ironing. SOMEWHERE in there I have a shirt as well. Lucky me.

[WillLatch]

Well that wasn't a very good day either. Reading back through my ownposts briefly I'm beginning to think the Zolpidem is part of the problem. I've had four nights worth on the trot.. and although it's good to be knocked out I better go "cold turkey" again tonight.. because the Diazepam just isn't stopping this "Adrenalin chest band thing" and I know I'm not thinking about work or my other "trigger" areas. Eldest son and his girlfriend here tonight.. so I have to "cook and make merry". No booze either I suspect after 4 days solid Diazepam. Great. But I haven't had any alcohol for a week. And I seem to have acheived very little today. I DIDNT get on the with the ironing last night.. just dawdled at the PC. Didn't eat properly either. It's like a spiral staircase isn't it? Gotta try and turn myself around and head back UP the stairs.

[Yvonne]

Hi Will

I doubt if the sleeper is the problem - however, we do all react different to these sort of medications and if you are noticing a pattern of feeling more anx day after taking then yes stop taking it. A good sleeper I came across was Nytol - not the herbal one but the other one - in a blue box. They contain anti histemine - pretty harmless really. I found them very good. Try them. It's horrible not sleeping well whilst suffering anxiety because when you wake in the night/can't get off to sleep the troubling thoughts just keep going around in the mind.

Will, if you did make merry with son and girlfriend then I think that's brilliant. I think the company would have helped you. The distraction of cooking and focusing on others' may be good therapy for you.

When you don't achieve anything in a day, that's fine at your stage of anxiety. So what? It just does not matter. Sitting at the computer just surfing or whatever is relaxing - providing you're not googling anxiety lol!. There are times we can't "achieve" as you put it, at this moment it's not something to beat yourself up about.

Lack of appetite is completely normal as well and very common. Eat little and often if you can - if you had a complete loss of appetite I would suggest complan.

So far, you're doing really well so don't let a few days of not being as good as you think you should be bother you.

Have a good Sunday xxxxx

[WillLatch]

Hey ho world.. and thanks for the post Yvonne. Had a very good evening with eldest. He's also an alpha male and it can't be easy for him trying to "rise past" the old man. That's not to say I've been a dominant or overbearing dad.. but I am the Dad at the end of day and with me being the one that has carried all members of the family "forever", he's actually coming into his own in so many ways INCLUDING being a supporter of ME now in MY hour of need. His girlfriend is the first one he had and they've been together for nearly six years now.. so she is daughter in all senses. We just talked and laughed a lot for 5 hours.. I cooked sliced fillet with a cream and dijon mustard sauce... and REAL chips deep fried for a rare change. There's no deep fry at his mum's house as she believes it played a part in her getting breast cancer so chips at dad's (about twice a year) is a big deal! :-)

I had two modest glasses of port (none after 11pm) and NO ZOLPIDEM. Went to sleep ok at 12.45.. clocks to the wall.. all the usual new strategies. Conked out to a bit of "Poldark".. woke four times BUT DID THE STOP IT ROUTINES.. and just went back to sleep each time. CBT IN ACTION. Had a weird dream last thing that one was of those "real ones" where I'd telephoned my mum.. and was telling her I'd was in a dark place at the mo.. and then "Mad World" woke me! So.. as far as I was concerned a much better night and a bit of confidence that the application of CBT was working. ALSO.. LESS ANX feeling. So.. I had 1 diazepam and it's started to reduce the anx at last. I then went and rode Harley.. and went to the ex and sorted a couple of household matters. Not a pleasant feeling frankly. Now I can leave it for a fortnight. As soon as I left "the family home" and rode away some anx faded. There's a surprise.

So.. I rode back to my house, eldest and daughter were on their way out.. and we went for a walk for a mile or so. Lovely.. hugs all round and back home.

9 hours later.. I have taken my 2nd Diazepam. So here's how I see it. I DO think Zolpidem mixed with Diazepam has a negative affect on ME. The band of adrenalin/cortisone is EXACTLY the same feeling as when I'm being "pursued" by a chasing pirate in the online game. Pirates is a relaxed play.. EXCEPT when you have conflict. I believe that Zolpidem is a problem for my body chemistry.. it is a hypnotic drug designed to knock you out. I could probably get away with ONE.. but an accumulation over a few nights has now shown me twice that MY physiology doesn't like it.

Others could debate that I've "chilled down" over the weekend.. but I can say that there has not been a lot of conscience thought patterns about my key areas of anx at present.. really. So I shall now eliminate this chemical and stick with the Diazepam when needed. I shall take a single Zolpidem with me to London on Tuesday.. just in case I struggle in a hotel away from home. But as soulmate has pointed out.. there's no meetings on Wednesday so if I'm nackered through lack of sleep.. it's no big deal.

Soulmate here within the next 15 mins.. i've thought of something really good to take to the negotiating table for Tuesday meeting.. which is a "bit of old self" kicking in... I shall have a couple of glasses of cold cava 2nite.. but earlier than normal. I shall go to sleep later.. and apply the sleeping strategies. I suspect that my body WILL feel better in the morning as the hours pass and it cleans out the effects of the Zolpidem. I am confident already that 2moro WILL be a better day.. and I have learnt from experience that my body doesn't like this particular drug.

2moro is CBT.. and I shall discuss all the above with Ms Soulful Eyes. And of course I will check out her footware and report accordingly. Have a good week everyone.. and long live NMP. Liam

[Veronica H]

Hi Liam, I think both you and the soulmate are right about the Zolpidem. It looms large in many of your posts. As you are very generous with you time and insights here, I consulted Dr Google .... don't be alarmed fellow sufferers, I realise that this is generally a no no and rarely do it now.......


Often Zolpidem users find that their medication over time turns against them with frequent awakenings during the night. This is often caused by rebound or withdrawal effects of the zolpidem. Zolpidem undergoes rapid metabolism in the body and the half life of Zolpidem is about 2 hours which is very short. People can experience withdrawal symptoms within as little as 1 or 2 hours of taking the drug. This often leads to a very disrupted sleep pattern with long term use of this drug (beyond 2 - 4 weeks).

Have a good week Liam, be kind to yourself.


Veronica