Hello, Anxiety is ruining my life and my relationships...

[mac]

Hello all

Just introducing myself on here for a start.

I have been on other forums but I feel that this one relates to my issues more closely, namely Panic and Anxiety.

I believe that I have GAD though I have never been diagnosed as such. I am a very intelligent girl who is popular. I am now 34. I have always failed in my relationships and have chosen the wrong partners, have taken bad treatment and have been hurt badly. I have also hurt badly, not physically or emotionally abusive, but by being quite selfish and needy, needing continuous emotional support. I gain a lot of emotional support from my family, but even sometimes they have to take a breather. I am a very worried and stressed person and I think I am quite obsessive with it. I will worry about things for days and do not actually feel happy unless I am worrying about something, though I am sick of living with the worry. I just want to be happy.

I suffer most in my intimate relationships, I switch between being possessive, paranoid and needy, to being defensive and cold. I feel very scared to be intimate and find it hard to even be "giving" in a relationship. I have had my fears realised and confirmed by losing an ex-boyfriend through death, accidental overdose, which I am sure has had a detrimental effect on my already-unhealthy emotional well-being.

I am very proactive in trying to gain control of my life and feel happy, I have tried many kinds of therapy, hypnotherapy, counselling, cognitive therapy, medication (in the form of panic attack tablets and anti-depressants) and have read countless self-help books, even to the point of carrying them around with me for comfort.

I feel the need to "talk" about my worries a lot but never find any relief it seems, or if I do, it is short-lived. It is slowly ruining the relationship I have with my boyfriend of 7 months. I love him and he is perfect for me and I have never been treated so well but I am constantly questioning it and worrying. I am feeling physically very tired and worn out, and I get scared because sometimes I feel that I want out of the relationship just to get some relief, but I know that is not the answer as I do not want to lose what we have.

We have gotten through some bad times so far together and we did have a period where we were indeed very happy, I felt elated, but my fears of being controlled and "taken over" have surfaced again. For instance, the other week the fact that he needed my support one day when he was feeling down, totally terrified me, I felt overwhelmed, even though I DID give him that support and managed to cheer him up. The responsiblity was overwhelming for me. At age 34, I am starting to think about having children, but how can I when I can't even manage the responsibility of a normal loving relationship. My boyfriend is just so understanding and is very kind, but it is ever so hard for him at times, but the feelings of fear and anxiety I feel are so strong, I don't know how to handle them anymore.

Feeling very sad and helpless and don't want to ruin my relationship.

Thanks for listening.

[lorac]

Hi Mac

Welcome to the site it's good to have you here and I think you will find it a great help to you.

It sounds like you have been through a tough time and it is no wonder you are feeling anxious. Sorry to hear that you lost a previous partner and it wont have helped the way you feel now.

Your present parter sounds great and he sounds patient and understanding towards you, I think you should be kinder on yourself and just work through your feelings. I can understand how you feel, being an anxious worrier myself and I can relate to what you say about always having to worry about something I have been doing that for years.

I am sure you will get some good advice and support on here from people who really understand how you feel

Take care

Carol

[duskess]

Hello and Welcome to NMP , lots of understanding here , glad you found the site , take care d x