Hi all,
as you know, I have been doing quite well lately with my depression and anxiety, but had a bit of a set back last weekend.
It was my boyfriend's cousins wedding over 200 miles away, I was so scared about having an anxiety attack and not being able to get out of it.
Anyway, when we had to sit down for the meal, I started thinking, "oh my God! How can I just get up and get out during the meal without anyone noticing?" I was trying to put a front on infront of my boyfriends family who we don't really see often.
In the end, I went back to pinching my legs to try and get through it, but it wasn't working, so I ended up twisting and pinching the skin at the tops of my arms. I was also chain smoking through out it all as it meant I could go outside as the venue was no smoking.
Anyway, I managed to stay there until late and got through it.
The following night, my and boyfriend went to bed, I had a vest top on without thinking, and he saw how my arms were in a terrible state, all black and blue. he asked what had happened, and i said that I had just banged it. He didn't believe me at all, I not a very good liar and he can always tell when I lie. I ended up telling him, that I feel a bit more relaxed when I pinch myself. He now thinks that I am going to take this further. I have said that I will stop and speak to my counsellor about it, but I feel ashamed as i think it's nothing major!
I think I've got it under control but he thinks I am going to start hurting myself more seriously.
I am scared that he thinks I am going to take it further and that we will never be able to go out again without him staring at me chacking what I am doing.
Has anyone else felt like this or done something like this?
I apologise for the essay!
I also apologise to those who do hurt themselves, as I know that I am no where near the pain and suffering you go through to try and make yourself better!
Take care all.
Love
Looby