Thought everyone might like these, a friend of mine sends them to me.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about
himself, when a nun suddenly appeared at his table and started decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the
barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
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Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his
plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"
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Tom was invited to his friend's house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name
in the book:- honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, "I think it's nice you still call your wife
all those pet names."
"To tell you the truth," his friend said, "I forgot her name abut three years ago."
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There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and
they discussed which the oldest profession was.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This
obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from
the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also
proved that his profession was the oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do
you think created the chaos?"
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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they
pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!".

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "Stupid!".

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the
middle of the road.
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It was mealtime during a budget airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John.
'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.
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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their
meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them
until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to
travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant
to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained
and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more
agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside
to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."
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One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.
"How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?"

Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!"
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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down
to watch.
"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!
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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with
his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!". Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" .Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!". Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!". And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by
the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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In a Classroom the teacher asks; Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.