Daily diary of anyone and everyone. Want to join?

[sars68]

Hello,

I am new to this and would like to join in as i really need some support and help. I am suffering from anxiety, predominantly an obsessive fear of bowl cancer and death. I am obsesssed with finding blood in my poo (yuch, sorry) I have recently been diagnosed with piles by 2 doctors but i still am convinced i am dying of cancer. I am at the stage where i am scared to go to the loo and even disect the contents of the toilet bowl.
This makes me so so sad. I am in the middle of a horrible divorce following marraige to a bully. I have 2 beautiful young daughters who i am terrified of leaving.
I hope this doesn't sound too crazy, but I have had a terrible christmas fuelled by my fears and anxieties. I am so scared this is taking over my life. It is all i think about.

Sars

[yvonne_uk_98]

Hello,

I am new to this and would like to join in as i really need some support and help. I am suffering from anxiety, predominantly an obsessive fear of bowl cancer and death. I am obsesssed with finding blood in my poo (yuch, sorry) I have recently been diagnosed with piles by 2 doctors but i still am convinced i am dying of cancer. I am at the stage where i am scared to go to the loo and even disect the contents of the toilet bowl.
This makes me so so sad. I am in the middle of a horrible divorce following marraige to a bully. I have 2 beautiful young daughters who i am terrified of leaving.
I hope this doesn't sound too crazy, but I have had a terrible christmas fuelled by my fears and anxieties. I am so scared this is taking over my life. It is all i think about.

Sars

Hi Sars,

So sorry to hear your feeling so low and so anxious about your health. Sorry to hear your going through divorce, if you ever need to talk, pm me.

no this dont sound crazy at all. so sorry you had terrible christmas. hope you feel better soon.

Yvonne

[crissy]

Hi, this is my first time on, I cannot believe there are so many fellow sufferers (anxiety related).
I am thrilled that I can actually talk to people who KNOW what it's like to be going through this absolute waste of time and energy, knowing what you should be doing about it but so involved with yourself you have no other option than to keep feeding IT with more of what IT wants, it makes you wonder, that when you actually feel without that massive gape in your solar plexus that everythings gone why do we keep remembering to feel rubbish, anyway this is me warts an all
love crissy

[happyone]

Maddie, I am glad you are going to your daughters tomorrow. I hope you sort your differences. Life is too short to be at odds with one another.
Drive carefully.
Good your advocate is sorting out DLA for you. It certainly has made a difference to me as I had to give up (I was fired!) work recently.

Hi Bluesparkle, downer working Christmas. I used to years ago and it wasn't great. Great that you are going to have some time with family though.

Hi Lucinda, what a shame re the IBS. As you say too, a lot of the food eaten at Christmas is stuff that will upset you.
I am glad you feel you have come a long way. It is important to recognise progress and I also think, not to beat ones self up for bad days. (If I ever start to not take my own advice....remind me! LOL)

Hi Emma, nice talking to you too. I am so sorry your life is not so good at the mo. However, your strength does come through, which is good.

Hi Crissy, yes, it is overwhelming isn't it to realise that there are so many people have similar problems to yourself. When I first stumbled on here, it was like a godsend. I couldn't believe it. It helped me hugely. I still use the net a lot for support even though I am much better than I was.

So what have peeps been up to? I went to a creative writing group this morning. As it was the last week before the break, we just did a fun exercise where we ended up making positive affirmation cards. It was really good.

School breaks up tomorrow....thank heavens! I am sick of early mornings! We overslept this morning! I have never been late to school with the kids.

Oh well....off to make a cuppa

Happyone
x

[Slothette]

Hi everyone...I hope you all havent got frostbite in this chilly weather!

Well we have had fun and games here today as the cooker has broken down just in time for Christmas. Turns out we will have to go and buy another one. I just hope they can deliver it before the big day or I'll be having more than a few glasses of wine!

Happy you asked if Xmas causes me any probs. Well this year I'm making an effort to go shopping etc even if the supermarkets are heaving. I've done better this year than last only because of the improvements I've made this past 12 months. Agoraphobia sucks!!

Another problem is I'm skint ...lol.

Maddie I'm ok..thanks for asking. I hope it goes ok with your daughter.

Bluesparkle...my cousin is working all day xmas day and all day boxing day...12hour shifts...he's not a happy bunny! He's looking for a new job!

Hi crissy...isnt it brilliant finding a website like this? I thought I was mad

Hi Lucinda, Tetley and Emmas...hope you all have a good day tomorrow.

Right I'm off to do a bit of wrapping before bed. Then I'll check my bank account to see how much I've got for a new cooker

Catch you later

Lex xx

[PUGLETMUM]

hi everyone, crissy i agree with you totally at the moment - i feel as though ive wasted the last 13 years of my life - however the most special thing (my daughter) came out of that waste, so sometimes things arent all bad?

bluesparkle - what do you do that you have to work on christmas? my OH used to work in bulk sceduling (lol) - moving liquid gases around the country, to hospitals and industry, and he had to work a few christmases and new years - i found that very difficult, at the time coz i wanted him at home, but i wouldnt be so bothered now - ive had cbt ( i know alot of us have had some cbt help or weve read books that have introduced us to it?), so i think i can say that i dont think in such black and white terms anymore or put so much pressure on myself about the way things 'should' be - in my opinion (same as someone else on this thread!) - christmas is rubbish - its not got any element of what its really about - nobody does anything for anyone else, nobody cares, and its just a commercial shopping fest - im trying really hard to turn it back into what it is about for myself and my family - next year im determined to spend no more than a fiver on anyone, and if i have anything left ill give the rest to charity anyway well see, but i have a bad feeling about christmas this year - perhaps because im NOT depressed?!

anyway enough waffling about what i think slothette - you are doing brilliantly by tackling the shops at this time of year - really give yourself a lot of credit for that and give yourself alot of big hugs - hope you can get a cooker!

to everyone else - happy christmas, hope the weather doesnt affect anyone too much this week, in their christmas plans - its quite wintry here, but my sister in gillingham (kent) has been snowed in since last thursday - but im sure shes using it as an excuse to stay in and watch telly, and not do a christmas dinner, as shes coming here next week and ill do them one anyway!!! weve got really bad roads here but everyone is just carrying on as normal, its hilarious watching all the cars slipping and sliding around on our road and revving up the hill lol - wont be so funny though if one slides into my car which hasnt moved from outside my front since saturday and im not sure it will start when i go to go out in it later

also hope 2010 - i cannot believe where that decade has gone, i feel so old - however i also feel wiser - like some of you others my only child is now 11 (12 in may) and is now making her own life - i too am filled with sadness, and i wish desperately i could have that time over and do things differently - have another child whether my partner agreed or not - weve stayed together anyway - but him and his mother used my agoraphobia, to say i couldnt manage another but anyway, despite this sadness that we have, we can move on and make our lives happy, full and content just for US!!!! i beleive this and i hope we can support each other to get there? take care all, love emma xxxxxx

sorry to happyone - i didnt comment on what youd been up to, espcially as this is your thread! ive read quite alot of your threads over the years - how do you find time or energy to do a creative writing course!? id love to do that, you are an inspiration - and shame you dont break up until today - my daughter broke up on friday, and im loving not having to get up early - im slightly on the lazy side anyway, and my daughter is the same - shes been late a few times this term already, which is embarassing as shes now in high school - however shes doing so well, and we cant be perfect can we? do you strive to be perfect happyone? it just occured to me whether this could be something that creates your distress? well take care and enjoy your lie in tomorrow!

[happyone]

Good morning (only just...6 mins to til afternoon....so should I just say afternoon now? LOL!)

Oh sloth, how typical of a cooker to break so near Crimbo! That happened to my mum one year. Pain in the bum! Hope you get one in time.
I want to get a new tumble dryer. The one we have we have had for 8 years and it was old when we were given it. It does dry the clothes.....eventually! The thing is, I don't use it that often. Really just when I have to. I try to reduce my carbon footprint. You should see my daughters face when I tell her she can wear something more than one day! So, I would rather have a machine that works well. However, hubs is tight! Who will win the battle? Watch this spot..........
You are doing so well in your fight against agraphobia. Well done

Emma, Christmas is so commercialised. I agree. I was getting quite unwell in the lead up to it this year, until I had everyones presents in. Then I worried they were not good enough. It shouldn't be like that. I am fine now. I gave myself a good stern talking to.
My eldest daughter is 11, 12 in May too! It is a wondrous age. She is very much a mumies girl. Like you say though, she is sort of making her own way though and friends and their opinions are so important.
It is such a shame you couldn't have another one. I have a nother girl aged 6. I did get very ill after she was born. My husband was wonderful. She is a daddy's girl and I often feel jealous. I think she doesn't love me that much cos I was so ill when she was small. If I was being sensible and using the techniques learnt in CBT, I would tell myself this is irrational and lots of little girls are daddy's girls......but sometimes I forget to use the techniques You are correct though in that you can make a full life for the both of you and we can all support each other.

This is not my thread Emma, I just started it. I am glad to see it is taking off. My creative writing course....well, maybe course is not the best way to describe it. I go to a local mental health resource centre and I go to a creative writing group and an art therapy group. It is really fantastic and they have helped me a lot. I rarely miss them and even when ill, I usually get out of bed to go to them.
In some areas of my life, I strive for perfection. Timekeeping is one! I am nearly always early for everything. I am still guilty of black and white thinking but not as bas as I used to be. I get regular psychotherapy and he has helped me absolutely hugely.

Well, it is snowy and sunny up here. Roads are not too bad.
My poor legs and back are much less sore today but I took Ibuprofen. I am not supposed to because they interact with one of my other meds. However, just spoken to a doc on the phone and she is going to prescribe me decent painkillers.

Good afternoon (now!) to everyone. Going shopping for hubs present from the girls in a little bit.

Happyone
x

[Going home]

Hello happyone,

I only joined today and have spent the last few hours reading through the threads and posts. Maybe the people who have been here for a while take it a little for granted, but let me tell you how amazing this forum seems to be to a new person. It's inspiring, and it's filled with people who are honest with themselves and each other...that seems to cause a bit of tension sometimes but that's human nature. You all care about each other and I can't help feeling that I may have joined something special. From what you say, there seems to be evidence from you that people have recovered using the NMP site because you ask where all your old pals are. I hope as you do that they are all in a better place mentally, and I also hope that with the help of this forum i'll get to that place too.

I'm a mixture of agoraphobic and claustrophobic...and ive been told that its possible to have both at the same time to some degree?

Anyway, I hope its ok for me to join you in your daily diary, I think its a great idea.

From Going home.

I hope there's a light on in the window when I get there...

[unspoken]

Aww I hope things go ok with your daughter Maddie and she is prepared to have you there. Christmas is probably the most difficult time to not have family/friends around you so I hope everyone manages to cope alright.

I'm Lucinda and I'm 21. Christmas is going to be the usual with my parents, my older sister (24) and my parents' friends and their daughter. It's quite stressful because my parents stress unnecessarily about making lunch on a normal day, so Christmas lunch preparation is a particularly stressful experience. Also, as I've mentioned elsewhere, my IBS means I can't enjoy much of the Christmas food as I can't eat chocolate, cake etc. or large amounts of food in general and Christmas seems to be a time of eating unnecessary amounts.

I am starting to feel better. My mood is more stable and I feel like the panicky mess in my head is starting to clear. I'm not sure if I'll consistently feel better but since I've seen the doctor things have been improving. I don't feel like I did before, I don't feel able to cope that well outside of the house, but I can hold slightly more coherent conversations with people.

I hope other people are doing ok today, only 4 days to go till the big day...

[maddie]

Wow! Hello everyone. It's great to see so many people joining in, whether they are feeling high or low at the moment. I hope to get to know you all as this diary progresses.

I returned from my daughter's tonight. We're all made up and friends again. Phew! The last 18 months have been a long haul for us. Her partner decided he'd rather be with a 16 year old when she was 14 weeks pregnant. So she was forced to move out. I helped her find and furnish a house and was with her throughout her pregnancy, which included some very nasty threats from her ex's mother. I was her birth partner which was horrific for me as she had a very nasty forceps delivery (at Stafford hospital which was at that time in the news for 1700 unnecessary patient deaths) Fortunately, she didn't see much and remembers little. I still have flashbacks and nightmares about it. I stayed with her after the baby was born and have been there weekly ever since to help out and care for him so she could return to work. She now has a lovely new boyfriend, they have just become engaged and are to marry next August. Through all of that, we never had words once. I suppose that now her life is returning to normality, our relationship will shift also and I need to back out slowly. That's going to be so hard. She's my daughter and has become my friend. I have overcome so many fears through neccesity because of the need to help her or to do things for the baby. There have been times when I thought they'd be better off with the little my estate would provide than with me, and times when I have gotten home so exhausted it's taken me days to recover. My grandson will be 1 year old on 27th. Today we were playing hide and seek. He was hiding. I said "where are you?" and a little voice said "gone!" We both laughed so much. His little arms reached up and he gave me the most sloppy yuck kiss - divine! So we will all be together for Christmas.

I hope that all of you have whatever sort of Christmas brings you joy and some peace from the struggles of the rest of the year.