My bizarre OCD - pure hell (long)

[amgi]

Hi guys,

I really feel if i post here somehow it may help me so i convinced myself to join (which i did today) and post my story. Forgive me it's long, but i beg you to read it if you have ocd please offer words of advice or share any similar experiences...please...

Well...where do i begin? My first memory of OCD was when i was about 11-12 yrs old. I don't remember what i would do in terms of rituals or thoughts. I do remember though that it was 'mild' ocd. By the way i have read ocd is linked to strep throat? Interesting since i suffered alot form that! Fast forward to my OCD now (i'm 26). Aside from ocd i must point out i have severe anxiety as well as hypochondria. Though the hypochondria came about 1.5 yr ago. Back to my OCD. It scares me. I'm starting to think it isn't even OCD. That's the part that scares me. I really hope someone can tell me if they experience similar thoughts, rituals, etc. My OCD has gone up and down in terms of severity, but i have to say it's never been as severe as it is now. There is not a second of my life i am OCD free. Not a second.

My OCD does not involve being a neat freak, certain numbers (odd/even), symmetrical, or even everyday rituals. My OCD is completely bizarre. It doesn't even make sense to me....My rituals are random.

A lot of my OCD involves doing something until it 'feels right' if i dont, something really bad will happen (death, sickness, etc). This could mean repeating the ritual 10 times or 100 times.

Here are only 'some' of the things i have to deal with every single day (if i don't do them something bad will happen)

- When i wake up i usually have a certain number of minutes (sometimes seconds, it always changes) until i have to literally get out of my bed. It sucks because i would love to just lay there and relax not JUMP out of bed.

- When i want to eat something (it can be lunch, or just a certain food i'm craving, etc) most of the time my OCD tells me 'i can't' and i have to eat something 'else'
( i avoid alot of my favorite websites because i can't go on them until, say,.... the next day. Actually my OCD was telling me if i post here something bad will happen, but i fought it even though i am having anxiety thinking something bad will happen.

-Getting dressed is such torment! Every item of clothing i pick to wear, i can't, because it 'doesn't feel right'. It stresses me so much sometimes i just break down and cry. If i pick this shirt so and so will die, if i pick that shirt so and so will die. So stressful that a lot of the times i give up and don't go out...

-If i want to watch a certain channel on tv, or show most of the times i can't because it doesnt feel right and if i do something bad will happen.

- If im thinking of something i want to say to someone or something i have to do, etc, sometimes i have to 'write' it down if i dont something bad will happen. Keep in mind this happens when im laying in bed trying to fall asleep. So its really annoying having to get up and find paper and a pen. Not to mention just getting 'out of bed' can involve a ritual. Exhasuting really!

- Going to bed is hell. I have to get up and walk outside my door like friggin 100000 times (for whatever reasons or thoughts) sometimes until it feels 'right'. It makes me sick. It's ruining my life...

- Shopping (food, clothes,etc) is just as bad. Basically anything i want i can't buy. If i do i get so much aniety i end up retuning the item or even worse, throing it out. I wasted so much money throwing out unsued unopened things because they dont 'feel right', or may be contaminated.

Are you getting the 'idea' of my OCD? IS this even OCD? I thought a lot of people with OCD are organized, do things it odd or even numbers, have everyday rituals,etc.

Should i go on? Ok

I can't go certain places, i can't buy certain things, i return alot of things i buy because having them doesn't feel 'right' even though i need them, i open and close my laptop until it feels right when im done using i, i wash my hands until it feels 'right', i cant read a book i want because something bad will happen, it just goes on and on! It's sickening, really.....

It doesn't even make sense. Basically everything i love or want to do, i can't. If i do, something bad will happen. I really believe it. My thought are always like 'this time it's serious it's real, something bad will happen'

The worst part? I can't 'test' my OCd and not do the ritual to see if something bad will happen. Why? Because when 'something bad will happen' it isn't tomorrow or even next week, it's always in the future. For example if i dont do this right now i'll die young (that could be in 10 years), etc.

My thoughts and rituals are random, they pop up out of nowhere. Right now if i want to change the channel, I FRIGGIN CANT! Because OCD said SO!

This isn't even half of it....there is sooo much more but i can't even write it it's too difficult to even explain.

Please....help?

And, no, i am not on antidepressants. I've tried them before for anxiety, not much help and i refuse to go on them again.

(Please don't suggest therapists, psychiatrist, etc. They won't help, i just know it. I just want some support really...)

Interestingly enough my OCD was out of my life for almost a year but reuturned with a vengeance several months ago.

Does anyone have this type of BIZZARRE OCD?

Really it gets more serious. I literally convince myself ifa don't do the 'ritual' that something bad will happen if an event (or whatever)happens as well. For example- If i watch my favorite tv channel today my dad will die tomorrow IF there is a significant earthqauke today somewhere. Do you understand? So, i'm so afraid that on the news i'll hear about and earthquake that i do the ritual. I doubt you guys can even understand what i'm trying to say....
Believe it or not sometimes what i think will happen (earthquake, thunderstorm, see and old friend, etc) actually happens! Then i go back and stress whether or not i did the ritual. I try to tell myself it's coincidence but......
For example a thought will come and my OCD says if i turn on the tv and see (so and so) something bad will happen to so and so. What do you know? When i turn on the TV i DO see so and so and i freak out! Anyone have this? Or is this 'magical thinking'?

I also worry constantly that my food or drink has dust or something in it, and i wont eat or drink it. Sometimes i make my coffee over and over until it is clean and safe from imaginary germs. It's really draining.....

Please tell me this is OCd and im not insane?

[loveletter]

Hi I have read your post and my heart went out to you.
I am so tired tonight and not feeling too good with my breathing so will come back and post tomorrow.

I have had ocd for about 30 years but in the last 2 years it is real bad.

I have much but not all of what you have.
Going crazy as not getting enough sleep as have to go in and out of bed room so many times until it feels right.
Then have to jump in and out of bed many times until it feels right.
Can be in bed 10 mins but have to get out again and jump in and out cause it does not feel right.
I then have to keep touching my hair and face until it feels right.
Then my legs till everything feels right.

My problems with the tv channels are a little different to you.
When I go to change channel I have to hear the last channel say a word that feels right before I can watch the other channel. So it can take a while to get to the channel I want.
Have it with reading as have to keep going back to read a word that feels right.

I could write much more about the things I do.

If I do not do these things I am convinced something bad will happen.
I will die or one of my family will die.

Yours does sound a lot worse to mine and it sounds like you must be in a living nightmare.

My Father also suffered with this. I never took my notice when I was young and he is dead now so can not ask him to see if it is quit like mine or not.
I am sure I have read this ocd can run in family's.

I have got a thing with food and drink and my cigarettes but mine is a feeling could they in some way have been drugged like in the factory before I brought them.
Have to look real carefully at every fag before I smoke it to see if it looks ok.
Have thrown dinners out if seen a little bit of something that does not look right.

I have tried to not do this as am so very tired with it but have to do it or someone will die if I dont.

I wish I could offer you words of comfort or help in any way.
I can pray for you if you would like.

[loveletter]

By the way you are not insane.

A few years back my therapist told me if you think you are insane then your not this has given me so much comfort
He said when people do go insane they think that every thing is ok so us thinking we are insane means we are not.

[amgi]

Hi, thanks for replying

I'm sorry you're going through this such a long time. Reading your in and out of bed thing made me feel better that i'm not crazy. It sucks huh? When you're just tired and you want to relax and BOOM, time to get out of bed and do whatever i have to do over and over and over! And yes, it happens to me too, where it wont even be right away it'll be like 10-15 min later and im almost asleep and a 'thought' comes and i have get up. It's completely draining.

[vicky23]

bless you all I can totally relate to having gone through this. when I was 16 the stress of going through my exams hit me hard and after I got through them I think I was like a pressure cooker building up then wham I was trapped in a terrrible cycle. I couldn't tell my parents what was going even incase something bad happened to them though they obviously knew and were very worried because I couldn't hide the rituals anymore.
Don't worry that you haven't got the typical neat freak OCD, I didn't either. It's still OCD very much so. I can very much remember what it felt like to sit there for ages looking at socks picking them up and putting them back because they didn't feel right, same with everything I had to choose, getting a glass, something to eat etc I remember one awful time when I had to light a match and I lit about 10 cos every time I was like 'ok this doesn't feel right need another one'
I hope you can take heart in that fact that this is very much OCD and you don't siuffer alone
I'm now more or less completely OCD free at age 23 but believe me it certainly wasn't an overnight thing it was a looooong and sometimes painful battle and I'm still on medication now for it although I've reduced the amount since the initial dose quite a lot.

[billy lee]

hi loveletter, i,m in my fifties now and have suffered with the ocd curse since i was 11, coming from a small country town i was looked at as rather a bizarre person- it wasn't till i was in my 30's that i saw a television program that told me it was ocd - what a revelation, i thought i was only lunatic on earth - having dealt with it on my own for so long i have developed fairly structured rituals that usually dont hold me up for long ,however sometimes when things aren't so good it encroaches more than i want it to , like you i cant change the channel on tv until the right word or process occurs - i have to place the right shoe (or right anything) and coincide that with a number , name or image that i like in my head until i can complete a task- it is all very tiring and fills up a lot of brain space that could be put to better use .i get depressed from it but then i have a good laugh and find something to do. anyway ,if anyone would like to reply to me then it would be greatly appreciated

[pffft]

heey, can anyone help me find out if i have O.C.D? cause its been playing on my mind for a while :/ i say things in my head that i have to do, and if i dont do it then something bad will happen, i do things like i have to tap the wood on the side of my stairs 3 times before i get to the bottom, i cant stand on the 8th stair, i wont leave a room withought the light being on, i have to make sure both of my feet are not in the room, when im out i have to make sure i dont stand on any lines on the floor, and i constantly have my left hand fingers crossed. any help? its driving me mad.

[KK77]

heey, can anyone help me find out if i have O.C.D? cause its been playing on my mind for a while :/ i say things in my head that i have to do, and if i dont do it then something bad will happen, i do things like i have to tap the wood on the side of my stairs 3 times before i get to the bottom, i cant stand on the 8th stair, i wont leave a room withought the light being on, i have to make sure both of my feet are not in the room, when im out i have to make sure i dont stand on any lines on the floor, and i constantly have my left hand fingers crossed. any help? its driving me mad.

Hello pffft (good name btw)

Have you been to see a doctor about this? Only they can diagnose you. How do you manage to keep both your feet out of the room lol?

It does sound as though you could have an OCD disorder from what you write though.

[Joey C]

I feel for you amgi, Have you tried hypnotherapy? Its helped me alot, I still suffer from ocd but nowhere near as bad.

[pffft]

heey melancholia77 ,
and haha thanks.

no i havent spoken to a doctor, im only 14 im not really feeling going in and talking to anyone about it if im honest :/,
and haha, i reach in with my arm making sure im not in the room, and if i cant reach, i just leave it on lol,
what do you think i should do?
thanks for replying btw xx