Ello all,
I'm a 24 year old guy from Brighton, who's sort of at his wits end. Really hope I can get some support and advice here.
In February 2010, after an HIV scare (tests in January were negative), a prolonged period of extreme job stress (a job I HATED, felt constantly stress-paralysed in, and no longer have; currently trying to set up my own business ... no pressure there, eh?) and a sudden bout of illness (laryn/conjunctiv/bronch/sinusitis, all at the same time), I developed a serious problem with my bladder.
Since I was about 18, I'd occasionally felt the urge to go to the loo when I didn't need to, even if I'd just been. It occurred mainly when I was in a sexual situation, and bizarrely EVERY time I got on a treadmill at the gym ... I attributed it to "performance anxiety", it was always temporary, and it never ever bothered me before this year.
One night in February, the day before I was due to go back to work after my illness, I felt this sensation before going to sleep. It was still there in the morning, and what followed was a major breakdown, including suicidal thoughts, lots of crying, a short course of diazepam (which did nothing except make me feel like a zombie), the loss of my job, panic attacks, serious weight gain, and 8 months of the near-CONSTANT feeling that I needed to take a leak, ranging from a niggling feeling in my bladder to agonising, toe-tapping urgency.
I was sent for the usual crazy rigmarole of tests, and I know for certain that I don't have IC, IBS, CPPS, OAB or any of the other possible physical disorders that might cause similar issues. My problem is entirely centered around my anxiety: the symptoms are extremely uncomfortable, more than any other anxiety symptom I have ever experienced. I feel anxious about the symptoms ... which creates them, which makes me feel anxious, which creates them, and so on and so forth in a perfect vicious circle.
I went to my doctor. I've been depressed for years, it turns out, and 2 months ago I was prescribed (at my request; sexual dysfunction and weight gain were ALREADY problems, so SSRIs I was really not keen to try) a medicine called bupropion (Zyban in the UK), which worked pretty much instantly to clear the depression AND the bladder symptoms. I was ecstatic, and aside from the occasional twinge of residual anxiety-based discomfort, I went back to living my normal life. I cannot stress enough how sudden and complete my symptom remission was.
Being the stupid berk that I am, I then decided to take on a significant amount of extra stress. Several of my good friends were having personal crises, some of them abroad, and I seemed to be the only point of contact for them, so I spent large parts of a fortnight consoling them and offering advice, often into the wee hours due to international time differences. I knew this was a bad idea, and that I was heading for trouble, but I couldn't abandon my friends in their time of need.
Adding to my stress was a portfolio client for my business who had been taking SERIOUS liberties, and whose work I could no longer look at without feeling angry and frustrated, which I was compelled to work on to get it out of my hair as fast as possible.
Obviously, I cracked.
A week ago, having also made a number of new friends in London and now anxious about whether I'd make a good impression, I had a panic attack at 3:30 in the morning. All of the symptoms came back, strongly, and I felt like this couldn't be happening to me, like I was in some kind of crazy nightmare.
Since that panic attack, my symptoms have been back in some form or another, and are fluctuating wildly each day. The feeling isn't remotely as strong as it once was, and it's not even really the sensation of needing the toilet any more, more an indescribably vague feeling of pressure or "unease" ... honestly, anything I feel is likely just a normal sensation blown totally out of proportion. Some days I'll be uncomfy for a grand total of an hour in the entire day, while today has been the first day since the attack that I've felt constantly uncomfortable in some way or another (largely because I've done nothing but sit at home and think about it all day).
The problem is that I feel traumatised, first by 8 months of constant discomfort, then from the panic attack hurling me violently back into that world. While the depression is under control (I feel great about myself now), I can't stop thinking about my symptoms. After I empty my bladder, I constantly, CONSTANTLY scan inside me with my mind, looking for the sensation, worried that it'll suddenly appear and make me feel uncomfortable ... which makes me feel uncomfortable, the same way that if you think about your throat for too long it closes up ... which confirms my fears, and makes me anxious, which makes the problem start up, which ... you get the picture.
I KNOW my symptoms are anxiety related: curing the depression cured it, until it came back in a panic attack, which is pretty damn definitive. I've never ever had to get out of bed in the night to go to the toilet (a primary symptom of practically everything organic). I don't meet any criteria for similar physical illness. Caffeine/alcohol/citrus fruits/chocolate/tomatoes/etc. make absolutely no difference to the sensation at all. I've had similar psychosomatic sensations before this whole thing started since I was about 18. If I distract myself adequately, the feeling vanishes totally (as in ACTUALLY vanishes, even under my own "checking" and "testing", as opposed to it being something I'm simply distracted from temporarily), until I get anxious again, or next genuinely need the toilet, then the lottery starts again. Even writing up this post dramatically reduced the symptoms I was experiencing for a while.
At the same time, the anxiety is making me think totally irrational thoughts. Mr Negative (who I'm sure a lot of you guys are acquainted with) keeps shouting things like "what if this is permanent?", "what if the feeling permanently damages your nerves?", "what if it IS interstitial cystitis/prostatitis/IBS?", and most recently "what if it's the medication you're taking, suddenly hurting you?", all of which are COMPLETELY ridiculous. I try to deflect these thoughts, but I have a well-developed tendency (from years of crap) to assume any negative thought is probably true.
I know, in my head, that being anxious of the anxiety is a silly idea, and that I need to let the anxiety breathe in me and acknowledge it. I've talked/distracted/slept myself down from the uncomfortable sensations time after time after time this week, to a relative feeling of calm, but every time I got to the bathroom and urinate, the whole process starts up all over again, no matter how much I try to ignore it. My brain immediately goes to my bladder and stays there, and no amount of certainty about the psychological transientness of the symptoms can stop Mr Negative from putting the seed of doubt in my mind, scaring me.
I was doing so well on the meds that I put a CBT appointment on the backburner, but now I realise I need some kind of therapy. I just don't know what else I could be doing myself to get back to the paradise that the 2 symptom-free months have been ... my coping strategies seem to be ineffective, and the cycle is persistent and hard to break. I have an SAD-esque component to my depression/anxiety as well, which is making stuff a lot harder ... I don't think it's a coincidence that I worsened in December, nor that the whole saga started in February.
There's a number of legitimately anxiety-provoking things in my life right now, that I'm trying to get rid of, but some (like my weight, my new stretch marks, and the condition itself) are in for the long haul. I'd be grateful for any and all support you guys could offer me, in particular advice about what I could do to break the cycle. I'm toying with the idea of speaking to my doctor about going on some kind of beta-blocker, but I know in my heart of hearts that the second I came off them I'd have a massive panic attack and be back to square one, so I'd prefer to deal with the anxiety through more natural means.
Wow that was long ... sorry guys.
Going to bed now, but thanks a lot for your time. Really hope I can use your help to help myself out. I really need to nip this in the bud before it gets any worse, or any more entrenched.
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