I've hit rock bottom

[Mogwog]

Not really asking for advice although if anyone has any that would be great. Just need to write it down.

I was panicking about 2 weeks ago as I found a small moveable lump in my collarbone about the size of a very small petit pois. Anyway went to docs who said it was fine. I had got myself into a right state as if you google this it says that in 99% of cases an ENLARGED gland is a sign of a cancer in breast lung or abdomen. (obviously my gland isnt enlarged at the size it is)

I had been fiddling with my collarbone area for a while after I had found the node as i became obsessed with it. The area is quite tender now.

Anyway I can feel a "swelling" of some kind near the node now its alot bigger than the node and is softer but to me it feels like another gland and I am back to square one worrying that its cancer. I'm not sure if its been there all along as I wasn't really feeling that area. I went to the docs about it and she said she didnt know what it was - couldnt be sure it wasnt a gland and couldn't say it was anyway I have basically been planning my own funeral since finding it, I actually just cannot cope with it at the moment and just want whatever it is to go.

Its in my right collarbone and when I turn my head to the side I cant feel it anymore - If it was a bad swollen gland, would I be able to feel it whatever position my head/neck was in??

I appreciate no one on here can diagnose me.

I can't sleep, eat, I cry all of the time, start panicking that I am dying. My Dr put me on Fluxotine.

I just want ti to go away and i'm scared it won't and that I have cancer. I really truly believe I do.

Thank you for reading.

[pd]

If it is a gland, it's possible that prodding and poking at it are making it swell.

[Mogwog]

I know. I just can't really control my need to keep feeling it.

Sad I know.x

[trolleydolly]

hi mogwog
Im in the same boat as you i keep feeling this lump thing on my breast
but i have had a enlarged gland on the back of my neck for years and when i saw the doctor about that he said nothing to worry about if you get a spot on your head it will come up and i came away thinking no that cant be right but guess what it was true so i never worried about it after that

[Anxious_gal]

the doc said it was just a gland, so if one can swell up it seems plausible that the other lump is just a swollen gland, if you prod any where for long enough you will find all sorts of lumps n bumps, then you'll make it worse because your bruising the skin which can lead to more swelling.
is there anything at all that will convince you it's not cancer?
like have you had any tests or is there any you can get done for your reassurance? as the fear is making you very anxious.
in your mind you have convinced your self you have cancer, but the reality is that you don't, your trusting your imagination over what the doctor said.]try and recognize the fear for what it is x

[Mogwog]

Thanks for your advice - I haven't had any tests on it.....yet.

The doc said she will reassess in 6 weeks and then book a scan if its not gone by then.

I am trying sooooo hard not to fiddle with it I really am but its so difficult when I get in a panic. I have a very supportive husband and family though.

Got Drs appt tomorrow at her request so she can talk to me about my anxiety and feel my lump again

xxxxxxx

[marley]

Hello there. I don't post very often anymore, but I've logged in because your posts remind me of myself - this time last year I was in EXACTLY your position. I'll explain...

In September 2009, while getting a massage, my friend blurted out that he could feel a lump in my neck. When I went to bed later, I started prodding around my collarbone, and sure enough there was a small lump in the left supraclavicular area. I did as you did, and Google'd it. MISTAKE.

I found way too many pages about 'Virchow's node' (for love or money, DO NOT GOOGLE IT). I read for hours, for days on end. I didn't sleep. I was hysterical. I went in and out of doctors. I kept digging for information (research, I told myself). I was told it was a swollen lymph node - tiny, maybe 5-6mm.

I spiralled into the most heinous anxiety and depression I could possibly imagine. I was popping benzo drugs like candy. I stopped going out, stopped existing outside my bedroom. I resented people openly for being able to live free from the anxiety which plagued me. This continued for 6 months. I settled on Lymphoma. I very vaguely fit some of the other symptoms - and more importantly, the age profile (I was 24).

One day I found some red spots on my skin. I convinced myself they were petechiae. Leukaemia, I told myself. I slept for half an hour that night, and woke up at 5am covered in sweat. I took a Xanax and went to the hospital. The doctor saw me and examined me thoroughly and put me on a mental health care plan.

This is a story with a happy ending - I wanted to get better so badly that I weaned myself of the addiction to panic, the addiction of seeking information. The rush of making the pieces fit - so called 'symptoms' matched with 'conditions'. I quit seeking all of it.

That was in the beginning of March. I've not had a single panic attack or health anxiety related panic since I went to the hospital. I feel like a million dollars, maybe more. It's an addiction, the need to keep touching. Assuring yourself. Seeking information.

If you're strong enough to stop seeking information, reassurance, and to stop touching it, believe me, you'll be in a much better place.

[Mogwog]

Hi Marley

Thanks for posting. I went to the docs this morning, she didn't want to feel it again incase she aggrivates the area - she tried to reassure me again, but then she scared me by saying we definately need to keep an eye on it and reassess later!

I have made a promise to myself not to touch it again and let her feel it when I go to the docs after new year.

Your story had such a positive outcome and i'm really pleased for you. You sound like a really brave determind person. Well done

Again thank you for taking the time to post.

Laura.xx