I felt like i was doing so well this week, i managed to do some many things, every day a new challenge met. I accepted a job offer, saw friends, went on the motorway, went to the dentist. normal stuff, stuff i used to do without a second thought.

But today has been horrible, i was getting ready and feeling a bit self conscious about what i was wearing (i'm between sizes so one pair of jeans are too big and another a tad small still) so was flitting to see if there was anything else i would feel more comfortable in before going out (me and husband were going to pet store and then into town), he came in and asked me if i was feeling funny because of being scared to go out. Well that was it, all of a sudden it was like i was reminded of how hard life can be for me. how hard i find it to go out.

We argued a bit earlier but all evening i have felt wretched and i know it's not his fault and how hard this is for him too, especially seeing me so sad. I can't stop crying.

Tonight was a leaving drinks do for some friends who are going travelling and i just wanted my husband to go so i could think about ending it, something i've never thought about before but i'm so scared and just feel so down. i seem to take a step forward only to be pushed back two or three.

My husband is always saying how i can do this and that there is light at the end of the tunnel but i just don't see it right now. i'm not going to hurt myself (too afraid) but it scares me to think that i considered it.

I just feel so tired from fighting with myself all the time. i think this breakdown has been coming on for a while but it doesn't make it any easier. i guess i feel like when i'm 'ok' i'm just pretending, it doesn't feel real anymore. My husband told me he misses me earlier, that broke my heart, i miss me too. i don't like who i have become.