My doctor seems to revel in telling me about the evils of Diazepam, its apparently an evil drug, highly misused, abused, and she hates giving me any because Im pretty sure she thinks I am either addicted already, or highly dependant on it. Im only prescribed 10mg split dose daily, and today havent taken any to prove to myself that Im not dependant. I have had moments where I have felt ive needed to take it, but they passed and I survived. I havent had the shakes, increased anxiety, nothing.

So, I have a swallowing disorder, everytime I swallow I worry I will choke due to me choking last year. This leads me to drinking very little and not eating a lot, apart from toast, which feels safer than anything else.

Psychiatrist prescribed Quetiapine, 50mg at night, which is an antispychotic. All it does for me is knock me out about an hour after taking it, makes me sleep minimum 10hrs at night, but can be 11 or 12. I am extremely fatigued during my waking moments, I have no desire to do anything, and probably couldnt even if I tried. I also sleep for 2-3 hours late afternoon most days, because I basically cannot stay awake. They are not helping with my swallowing anxiety either and are giving me quite disturbing dreams every night.

There is also a very long list of nasty side effects, quite bad ones compared to other leaflets I have read and this really puts me off taking them because they seem to be quite a severe type of medication. They are a major tranquilizer, and as I said the side effects would concern most people because if you get them, they are bad.

Now to the Diazepam. I know its addictive, and that you can get used to the dose, meaning you need more and more, but in the 10 months I have taken it I have gone from 6mg a day for 7ish months, to 10mg in the past few months, and admit this dose isnt really enough now, but for 10 months they all worked well.

I experimented a few days ago. I took 20mg of Diazepam at 7pm and ordered myself an indian takeaway. It came just over an hour later, and I ate all of it, it took a while because I was cautious but I did it. I had chicken vindaloo, rice, bombay potato and poppadoms. I had to cut the chicken into small pieces as I struggle with meat, but apart from that I was able to calmly and slowly eat it, without feeling im about to die, which is usual when I eat. I also had no increased anxiety as I ate, which I normally do, and I had no panic either whilst eating. It wasnt the easiest thing to do, 20mg of Diazepam wasnt a miracle cure, but it sure made one hell of a difference. I actually ate a full and normal meal, no toast involved, and it felt great. I also didnt have the panic after eating which I usually get, I often have to breath into a paper bag, or my pillow to slow my breathing as eating usually causes me to hyperventilate.

So, in my position, at my next Psych appt (whenever that may be, 2 cancelled in this past week) what would you say to the Psych about the affects Quetiapine have on me compared to the effects of Diazepam?

To summarize, Quetiapine makes me feel at best the same, and at worse a hell of a lot worse. Diazepam makes me feel better, almost normal, and more able to eat, and more confident to eat different foods. As I said I live on toast with the odd poached egg and have done for a long time because I am too afraid to eat anything else just incase the choking happens again.

I feel that if I was just given a high dose of Diazepam daily, and nothing else, maybe 20mg morning and 10mg late afternoon/early evening, this would make a world of difference, I would begin to slowly start eating more normally, without panic, and over time I would begin to get more confident as the days go by, so maybe after 2 months, I would be so used to eating normally that I would actually be better and the problem could be over. Or I can continue with the Quetiapine, and have no life, sleep all the time, and have as much of a problem in months to come as I do now.

What would you do/say if you were in my position? Im guessing the psych will want to give a higher dose of Quetiapine, but Im not willing to go down that route, 50mg is more than enough, and I do not wish to take more and spend the rest of my life in bed.