Sparkle, I hope we regain our holiday excitement soon!

I am now right about at the three week mark and have decided to increase to 20 mg.

I contemplated this for several days and discussed with my doc and therapist. The main reasons to go to 20 are: (1) the side-effects have subsided enough that I feel I can soldier through them and reasonably try 20 without fear; (2) 20 seems statistically more likely to be a good match to me, physically; (3) I felt some nice benefit for a few days on 10 in the 2nd week but it faded and I lapsed back not some anxiety, so I am curious whether that was the med trying to win the battle and falling short or perhaps I just let some other anxiety in.... in any case, I feel brave enough to try 20. Oh and (4) my long-term plan is to be brimming with happiness and joy at the end of summer, so I'd like to sort through the dose experiments now. So off I go!

My A/D symptoms are mostly manageable but I did feel a bit weepy in the past few days, having a hard time talking with my family etc. I have a therapist visit this afternoon which I look forward to, she usually gets me to open up pretty well, so if I sob then, well, that's a useful data point. I want to talk to her about why the new job prospect causes me such stress and anxiety and sadness. I think I know why but I am curious how well I can talk about it. The goal of using the med is to try to enable myself to talk about such things and sort through it without, you know, just collapsing in a pile of A/D.

I continue to worry a bit about my weight loss, just because it doesn't seem to have stabilized. I've lost more than 5 pounds in the three weeks since I started citalopram. I do look good feel better about my image than before... and so I got some new clothes But anorexia is one (rare) side effect so of course, me be an anxious person, I gotta worry! You know how it is, if there is something to worry about then I will do that well and thoroughly! Do guys even get anorexia?! I guess we do but anyway my issue doesn't seem to be anything like that, it's that I simply don't have much appetite because my stomach churns with anxiety. I might seek a beta blocker if I don't get some relief soon.

I'm sticking to my calendar: planning for real wellness by the end of summer. One way or another, I will make it happen.