For as long as I remember I have found changes difficult. Two of my first memories are my first day of school, I cried and screamed all day and the other was one day when my teacher didn't come into school. I think I was about 5 at that time and I remember the headmistress coming into our class and taking us through another class. I remember asking where we were going and she said "Oh you can just stay here!" We were being split into different classes and I was terrified.
Even in my last job, my colleagues picked up on this and would always 'warn' me in advance of any changes in the department.

My anxiety has been under control for the past few months after a horrendous year last year. The past few days though I have felt the anxiety creeping back. I haven't slept well the past few nights so I am really tired.

Some of you already know that I had to leave work earlier this year (in a secondary school). I tried hard to get more work and got a few little cleaning jobs. One of them I really loved, cleaning for an elderly man. Sadly it didn't last more than 3 months as he had aggressive lung cancer and he passed away. I had grown very attached to him and ended up more in a caring role than a cleaning one. I really miss that job. I have another couple of cleaning jobs which I guess I haven't really got my heart into and it is more of a chore. I am getting scared to find more work but know I really need to as we need the money. My poor hubby should have retired last March but can't because I am not earning enough.

We are having a new kitchen put in during the next few weeks and I can feel my anxiety levels getting higher again. I was supposed to be going to chose the flooring tonight but I just want to hide in my bedroom and cry :( I am trying to tell myself it is just because I am so tired and tomorrow is another day. I had reduced my meds gradually from 125 mg down to 25 mg and was hoping to stop altogether but I guess that isn't going to happen now and maybe I should increase the dose again :(