A phrase we all use far too often, I do for sure, maybe not out loud but certainly in my head. Because of this phrase I have come to understand that while it is with me I will never look forward to anything. Disturbing thought hey. Booking a family holiday with my wonderful children who are all excited to be hitting the sun drenched beaches in 6 months time. I know they must have holidays and enjoy childhood etc... My wife using phrases like "I can't wait for the holiday I'm so excited"... it got me thinking that over the last two years I've lost that ability to 'look forward' or be 'excited' by anything. And the reason for me always thinking what's the point is because of another word Anticipation.

Anticipation of what? well death of course, or the fear I have that while I suffer from anxiety I can't handle any bad news as I wont have the strength to deal with it. What bad news? I don't know! Maybe that I'm seriously ill or that of my child. Inner split second thoughts like 'Don't get to happy cause something going to come and ruin it' thoughts like ' Will I ever get back to the old me, rational, carefree, or will I always be the new me 35 years old bracing myself daily that today may well be the day I snuff it!! Anxiety induced pain everywhere etc etc..... How do I pacify this?

Pacification- Another word lets be fair we are all seeking it, some internally some externally. However I have tried to think straight and rational for myself trying to Pacify myself. Doesn't work! If your computer wasn't fully functioning could it fix itself with no outside input? Probably not effectively. Well my body's computer is not fully functional so would it be better to get some external input? The answer is yes without a doubt. Self pacification is short term for me. My example is this... Yesterday driving home from work I had a sharp pain on my left side in my back that went all the way round to my front. Of course I'm in traffic and now I'm having a heart attack What!!! I'm only 35 but of course I've been waiting for this now for 2 years.. I knew bad news was coming etc.etc... of course it passed I got home and this is the best bit..... I went and played football for 45 minutes running around getting knackered, out of breath without a single shooting pain anywhere. Of course my heart and arteries are knackered but they only choose to let me know while I'm sat around thinking too much!! Madness should be enough to pacify me that in fact all is ok.... Until tomorrow or the next day or whenever it happens again and I go dizzy, and chest pain, and vision goes blurry and suddenly my self pacification is overridden by the fact that bad news is coming, or today is the day I finally meet death.

Do I want to be on my death bed at 85-90 years old saying " I can't believe I wasted every day of my life worrying that everyday something bad is going to happen.

Of course I don't. But it is becoming ever more likely.

Thanks for reading.