Hello my NMP buddies, I haven't made a thread in a long while, I try and not come on here so much these days (for my anxiety's sake) I only pop on now and then just to post here and there where I can to help others.

Anyway I am just having a bad time at the moment, I wouldn't say I haven't been having a bad time the rest of the time but im just worse at the mo.

Basically I just don't know where to go with this anxiety anymore, it seems never ending and just changes direction and path every time I think im starting to get a little better.

I wont go into my life story but my anxiety mainly started from a fear of death and health anxiety but now has moved on.

I really think I can pretty much fully accept all the symptoms I get now, I don't react to them anymore. I haven't had a panic attack in months and months and think I can stop my anxiety from going that far these days. I don't spend my time googling or checking out my symptoms on the internet. I don't come on here asking for reassurance at all anymore and haven't in a good 6 months. Reassurance doesn't do anything for me anyway.

So why do I still spend every day feeling randomly so weak and ill that I feel I can barely do anything, feel like im on the verge of collapse for large parts of the day. If its not that I have stabbing head pains that come and go with building head pressure. If its not that I am having pains in my lower abdomen or chest. If its not that I am having random racing thoughts, anything ive done or watched on tv or talked about can become over analysed and a major issue in my head. Now you may say I must be worried about these symptoms as I mention them but to be honest im just fed up and bored of them now, Ive had them for so long and im bored of feeling like crap, sometimes if they get extremely severe like when I feel like im the verge of passing out, then of course yea i do get a bit anxious. All the while my world is tinted grey, I have a dark cloud hanging over me and the feelings that I will never ever get better creep back in now and then. I can honestly say since I had this anxiety/nervous breakdown whatever we want to call it, 2 years ago I have not had a single hour where I have felt, good or content, or truly happy, or just "normal" but i don't like to use the word normal as what is normal anyway. But yea I have never felt anywhere near to what I felt before this all started. The only time my brain does feel ok and doesn't over analyse is when im extremely drunk and we all know that's not a good idea so i rarely drink anymore.

Ive been on all the SSRIs bar 1, ive had CBT, had counselling and having counselling again now, I've gone down the all natural route, all healthy eating, exercise, supplements etc.

I feel I have accepted this anxiety now and am actually bored of it, and bored of feeling like this, I try continue as normal but really I am still consumed by this anxiety, my brain just seems like its developed some sort of imbalance and the way it functions cant return to normal.

I have come to a stage where im just like whats the point, there are no answers, no way out. No I wont give up yet but that's what seems like the only option.

Thank you to all those that read this long post. Would love to here any advice or ideas on this? I feel utterly lost.