Hello everyone

I'm feeling a bit horrible at the moment. In December I was suffering terrible anxiety and I rang an organisation who would provide me with 6 sessions of phone counselling. They said they would call within 2 days, although it was around 3 weeks later. Anyway, I decided to go with it figuring I had nothing to lose. How wrong I was.

After the 2nd or 3rd session, I began to realise that the therapist was hitting on some really raw nerves, opening up some old wounds I hadn't thought about in a long time. I was a bit of a loose cannon when I was younger, and it brought up all these feelings of being a bit wild. In a way, it made me feel a bit more alive, although I was wary and made sure I didn't put myself in situations where I might behave in an unacceptable way.

So, I started feeling strangely attached to this therapist, just a voice on a phone, but one who seemed to be able to tell a lot about me. I asked him if he would be willing to take me on as a private client. He was reluctant, saying he thought I needed face to face therapy, but he didn't say yes or no. I decided to email him and explain my reasons for asking. In our last of 6 sessions, he agreed he would take me on. We agreed a price, duration etc etc. He told me to email him the things I wanted to address, which I did. A week later I'd heard nothing so emailed again just to see what was happening. He said my aims for therapy were appropriate and we arranged the next session. I felt hopeful and optimistic.

The session was cancelled by him because he apparently got stuck in traffic. I was annoyed but appreciate that these things happen. A further session was arranged for a few days later.

So he called earlier this week and just said "I need to say something". He just said my problems were far too significant for him to deal with on the phone and that he couldn't help me. I tried to argue but it was no good and he practically slammed the phone down on me. There were no referrals to anyone else. Not even any suggestions. Admittedly, I did say I was not going to see anyone else.

Since then I have felt terrible - humiliated, ashamed and hopeless. I feel like I've been dragged backwards through a hedge with no-one to help me get up. I have looked him up on the internet and he's really experienced with quite severe mental health problems, so I'm now questioning my own sanity. I know I have anxiety problems, but I've never before felt terrified that maybe there is something seriously wrong with me. We discussed my issues with trusting people. That almost makes me want to laugh now.

My anxiety has reappeared massively and I'm waking up each morning feeling utterly despairing and sick to my stomach. I really don't know what do to. I thought about emailing him again to tell him how bad he's made me feel, but I don't know if there's any point, and if I get a horrible email back I'll just feel even worse. I have looked at private therapists locally but they are expensive and I'm so scared they'll ditch me too.

I'm sorry for this. I'm feeling very lost and alone and I don't know where to turn.

Thanks for letting me pour this out.