I think I'm running out of time... My younger cousins, classmates, relatives
are graduating and I feel hopeless or frustrated that I can't do anything about
my paranoia and agoraphobia.

Well I've been to 2 psychiatrists and 1 psychologist. They always reminded me to
go out some more. But what about how to handle the panic? How to control my
urges? One said I just need to seat closest to the door of the classroom
if ever I want to "escape". Is "escaping" all it takes for me to not panic?

I'm the one who suggested if I can do CBT, she said we can discuss it (soon).
AH.. I am just angry why can't they give me some more practical advice in stuff
like this..

Whenever I go to the mall, I always wear my earphones so that I won't hear
those "whispers". It helps greatly but people kept staring at me :( (I don't
want to stick out). I feel this "avoidance" started when I was in HS.
I didn't try really hard to reach out to anyone, I guess. But I believe I
did though I was probably ignorant or naive in some situations.. Like
always getting into embarrasing sh** like I got a stain when I had my period
(someone even said gross...) Or slouching when I walk (I got the nickname
hunchback eventhough I had no hump, just mild droopiness because of muscle
stress), and some nicknames.. I also walk weirdly and I heard someone call me
that I'm pregnant once (eventhough I never had a lover!!!)

I don't know if it's really
bullying. My mom said it isn't. But remembering all those bad memories
makes me want to cry all night. It's like I abhor social events when my
parents make me go with them to some party. My mom remembered I was shaking
and don't smile once (I don't shake anymore though). I became so overtly
sensitive, it's like a disagreement about me would just "trigger" the
stress in me.

As of going out, I'm fine in libraries, or any private spaces where people don't
usually go to. But when there's a whole bunch of groups of students, I tend
to avoid them. I know I must not let that hinder my progress, and so I will
try to be more patient with myself eventhough I'm having all kinds of
paranoia and bad times (please wish me luck orz)
And for some reason, I am fine with adults or old people haha Maybe it's
because I just hate children and teenagers, or same age like me (all of them are
eeeevviilll to me

I'm trying to lose weight right now, and find some workshops just so I can prepare
myself for college (if that happens). I really want to study, and I want
to pursue my passion in life! I'll try to go out everyday so I'll keep
this thread like a journal for my journey.

---Also, if anyone has some tips on how to stop sweating and being
smelly especially the armpits and feet or even stopping the farting I WOULD TOTALLY APPRECIATE IT.. Like greatly :')