Hello everyone,

I'm having a tough time of it again - over the last 24 hours or so, I've had constant anxiety feelings. Tight throat, loss of appetite as usual are the worst symptoms. Also I have had diarrhea and moments of restlessness despite feeling exhausted, excessive sweating, palps. Took 2x2mg diazepam to get to sleep last night - although I did eventually drop off while reading something on the internet.

Triggers
A few possible options here:
1. New job - always a slightly stressful appearance - but this job is fewer hours and not as strenuous as the last one. It's tough learning new stuff, though - and I have lost structure to my life working in the evening.

2. Overnight stay in Carlisle - travelling back via several country pubs tomorrow. This is more likely to be the reason - my last overnight trip to Yarm on Teesside resulted in a constant state of anxiety and I ended up leaving early the next day.

*3. Withdrawal symptoms* - From yesterday, I've been attempting to withdraw from watching pornography/using the internet so much as I think I have an addiction. My laptop is plugged in for just about 24 hours a day sometimes and I have watched porn on an almost daily basis since being a teenager (I'm 30 now). My lack of structure has exacerbated this to the point where I cannot ignore the problem. Some of the porn I watch is of quite an extreme nature - nothing illegal but mainly down the fetish route.

It's something which I have touched on before but which I then neatly brushed under the carpet as I was struggling with lots of things. I think I may need professional help again as I have always been too ashamed to mention this in the two previous interventions which I have had. I'm not taking any regular medication at the moment but, as mentioned, I have diazepam for emergencies.

I don't know if I can do this Carlisle trip (we're meeting Newcastle station at 3pm today) - I don't want it to turn into another Yarm where I couldn't eat and just felt awful throughout. At the same time, I'm aware that an avoidance strategy is worst in the long-run.

Thanks for reading,
Peter

---------- Post added at 10:17 ---------- Previous post was at 09:48 ----------

Sat on the edge of my bed - sweating, shaking, coughing/dry heaving. All I can taste is acid in my mouth.

Going to get up, brush my teeth and have a shower to see if I feel any better. Otherwise, I think I'm going to need some diazepam. Don't know whether to cancel on today or not.