I have had a history of anxiety/depression,which is all a long story. I never chose good relationships, and I ended up not having children, through circumstances rather than choice. I'm now over 40 and I don't know how to stop getting depressed about this. I thought about having a baby on my own, went to fertility clinics, had all the tests, and was going to get donor sperm; but I couldn't go through with it, as I felt too selfish bringing a baby into the world without a father, and didn't know if I could cope on my own (I don't really have close family around me).

This is the hardest thing to deal with, and I end up just blocking the thoughts because it's too painful, the regret - I end up hating myself for the decisions I've made which have led to this. I still desparately want a baby, but now its too late. It's so painful, and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like less of a women, and have not been able to nurture or love as I wanted to.

I don't know if anyone here would have had any similar experiences, as most women have had children. I have never written about it and rarely speak about it, as it's so hard. It feels like a societal stigma (a woman without children). I feel embarassed admitting to people I've never had children, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, and am jealous of people who have them. It can trigger my depression, and I worry I could relapse if I think about it too much. (I've a few relapses in the past).