Hello all,

I haven't posted on here in a little while but things have got quite bad again recently. I suffer from chronic anxiety/panic disorder and as a result of that depression too ...

Socially I'm finding things VERY difficult at the moment, my confidence is absolutely on the floor and I'm finding it hard to be around people or outside in busy, sociable places at all.

I've worked in my current job for the past two years and it's a job that most people would regard as easy and everyone that works in there is really lovely, however it's a very sociable job and I'm finding it nearly impossible to go to work with how I'm feeling. Every time I go in I get SO anxious and I've even had a couple of panic attacks in work recently. Thankfully the job are aware about my situation and are supportive which helps and I'm very grateful of that, but it doesn't take it all away.

I just don't know where else to turn, it's getting to the point where I can barely look someone in the eye and have a conversation let alone talk to customers and fellow employees. Every time I'm in there I feel like I have to put a mask on to appear okay but it's exhausting because inside I just feel so awful. I've also recently got in to the habit of taking a bit of diazepam just before I go in to work to take the edge off a bit but this is worrying and something I don't want to get in to the habit of. I'm also scared to loose my job because I have really loved working there but I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I just feel like my whole world is getting smaller and smaller. My friends still invite me out but I always have to politely decline and I feel sad because I've pushed people away. I end up thinking ... 'If they don't get close then then don't need to see how much I struggle and don't have to deal with me.' My anxiety massively prevents me from forming normal friendships, and relationships ... well that's a whole different matter! I was seeing someone who I cared about very much last year but due to my anxiety (and various other reasons) it didn't work out, this knocked my confidence massively and I blamed myself.

It's very sad as there's some great people who care about me but it's very hard to be around people when being alone is usually when I feel calmest. I think the main fear of being around people is that they will think I'm weird/mad or they'll see I have anxiety/issues. The fear of making a fool out of myself or getting upset is a big thing too. If I cared less what people thought of me then I guess this wouldn't be such an issue.

In terms of how I try to tackle it, I try to do everything right. I eat healthily, exercise, do yoga, drink very little alcohol and I've been to numerous therapists, yet after trying everything in the book I'm contemplating my last port of call which is SSRI medication. I have tried to resist full time medication for a long time but I don't feel like I have any other options left, I'm fed up of feeling like this constantly, it's no way to live your life. My only worries with medication is that I'm going to be on it for the rest of my life and that my creativity (I'm a writer) will go out of the window. Does any one have any advice on this??

Anyway just looking for a friendly ear from anyone who has been through something similar. Any help would be appreciated.

Much love, Abs xx