"This is going to take some explaining...

I was diagnoised with Clinic Depression last month and its made me realise that ive been depressed for over 5 years now, yes since i was twelve (there have been a lot of issues im working over with my psycho therapists at the moment, and maybe when i feel a little more confident i'll share them with you all)

Nearly two years ago now, well 21 months, i started going out with a girl in the year below me called Jara. She made me feel absolutely amazing, i went on holiday with her with her parents, and yeah, it was the best. She's also the only girl ive ever "been" with which makes her even more special. However, around 10 months into our relationship depression took a strong hold on me and i spent more time at home, i felt uncomfortable being outdoors which meant i saw less and less of Jara. In an attempt to save our relationship Jara tried so, so hard to make things work but i just couldnt handle it. The more she tried the more i shut myself away. Im not sure if it was fear of getting hurt or what. I didnt see it at the time, i guess i was too wrapped up in my own depression to notice, but i was putting her through hell. She was doing everything she thought possible to try and make things work, and the more i shut myself away the more she felt that i'd fallen out of love with her. People at school started telling me that it was Jara who was the cause of my unhappiness, id never told anyone of my depresion as at the time i didnt really know about it, and the more they told me the more i started to believe them.

I was a complete Jerk to Jara, and at no point did i ever deserve any of the love she showed and gave to me. I mean, on our one year anniversiary I was on a school trip to Berlin. I hadnt realised the date clash, i thought we would still have had a last weekend together, so i planned something special for her, something we'd always talked about, something to show that i still loved her more infinately than she knew. (i know its not going to sound much to you guys) I booked two tickets to the Tuesday 14th February (our one year anniversiary to the day) showing of the Lion King up in London's West End preceeded by a nice meal at the restaurant of Jara's choice. I realised it was a school night but id imagined our parents would have let us stay out for such a big occasion...But yeah... that totally failed because, unawares to me, it was the same date that i was to leave for Berlin... I wasnt allowed to not go to Berlin, it was apparently too late for me to attempt to change the dates of the booked tickets. It was devistated. I didnt have the heart to tell Jara that id messed up so badly. I wish with all my heart that i could turn back time, change the date of those tickets and maybe all this wouldnt have happened... But yeah, thats just me i gues...

In the end Jara couldnt take the heartache anymore so we decided to become friends instead late spring this year.

I pretty much instantly missed her, being with her and everything. But i also realised how unhappy i had made her so i didnt attempt to "give it another go" as it would have been unfair on her to put her through it all again.

I also made the biggest mistake of my life, bar suicide attempts, in an attempt to "get over" Jara i attempted a relationship with another girl. Yes i know now it was a stupid thing to do and i really wish i hadn't. But i guess now i have an insite as to what i put Jara through as that girl put me through HELL. I guess it was partly my fault wanting something that just wasnt there, wanting to... i dont know... turn her into Jara, trying to do the things Jara and i used to do which madee me so happy.

So yeah... over the past few months (well ever since we broke up) ive realised ive still had strong feelings for her, and they've escallated to an all time high recently. So much so that i had to write down everything i wanted to say to her (as i was too embarrassed/shy to do it face to face) and she eventually persuaded me to give her what i had written. Part of me wanted to give th