Anxiety caused by chronic ill health

[Bonnibelle]

I was wondering if anyone had any advice. I have been unwell for over 6 months and with it my anxiety returned.

I started with an anxiety disorder 4 years ago after I went through a very traumatic time with my family, I had to cut out a violent family member. It all led to me having general anxiety and agoraphobia. I had CBT and after about 18 months things turned around. I was out living life again and happy. I still had anxiety but it was under control. Last summer I started feeling very tired easily and some days I just felt I had to rest all day, it was so out of character for me. By August I saw my GP and he told me he thought I had hypothyroidism and ran some tests. He said they were all normal. I asked for a print out and saw my thyroid TSH result was at the very end of the normal range at 5.35 and the range went up to 5.5. My B12 was at the bottom end of normal range and Ferritin was the last number in range lol! I questioned them and my GP told me ok I was borderline.

My fatugue continued but I carried on plodding on, as a mother to 3 children I had no choice. Then in October last year my 12 year old son told me he was still being bullied, where as I thought the bullying from primary school had ended once in high school. He told me he was suicidal and didn't want to carry on. My world fell apart. He was referred to CAMHS by our GP, they told me to hide any objects that could be a danger and took it very seriously. During his assessment though they refused to help, NHS cuts. They said I had anxiety in the past so would be the best person to help him. My son got worse after the appointment as he was afraid he wouldn't get better. He was crippled by anxiety and panic attacks, school were forever sending him home unable to cope with his panic attacks. I took matters into my own hands and gave him therapy and I am proud to say he is now the happiest I have ever seen him and has perfect attendance in school

Sorry for that background ramble but I wanted to just explain what has led to where i am today. During that crippling stress seeing my son that unwell I became very ill. My fatigue got worse than ever, and after a particular bad morning having to leave my son in school begging me not to leave him while the teachers took him from me, i got home and broke down crying. I felt my body break that day and I was bed bound for about 2 weeks. I only got up to take my children to school and pick them up and that was very hard. I had a feeling of the ground moving, dizziness, sheer weakness in my legs, crippling fatigue and I just generally felt awful and had very high anxiety as I was terrified what was wrong with me. My husband called the GP and told him he was worried what was wrong with me so my GP called out to see me. Which I found very hard as I had a panic attack around the time my son was ill, at the GP surgery and now I find appoinments tough.

My GP came out to see me and ruled out anything sinister and diagnosed acute stress caused by the trauma of seeing my son that unwell. I'd not been sleeping as I was too frightened to leave him and he said this had all taken its toll and advised lots of rest and avoiding stress where possible. He knew I had no support other than my husband, so it was hard for me to get much rest as my husband works long hour.. My GP came out again in December and January to check how I was, he ran bloods and all were fine other than I had high cholesterol. He told me I was perfectly healthy so this was all acute stress and tried to blame depression. Sure I was really rock bottom at the time but as he said what mother wouldn't be suffering with severe stress going through this nightmare with no support. He was very supportive but I knew it was far from just stress.

As the stress calmed and my son recovered I felt a little less dizzy but the crippling fatigue I'd had since last summer continued and infact got worse. I couldn't do yoga, much housework or a day out as the next day I'd be in bed very weak and ill. Like a crash. So I went and had a private thyroid test which tested everything that the NHS can't test. It showed my TSH was now 6.54, so out of range and my T4 level was 14.8. I sent the results to my GP and he called and said 'ok I think you are subclinical hypothyroid and we will test you every 8 weeks'. He told me they don't treat until TSH reaches 10 in the UK. So in March I had another test which showed my TSH was 7.54 and T4 had risen to 15.8 which was puzzling as T4 normally drops as the thyroid fails and TSH rises. My GP called me again and said he was also puzzled by this but as my mother is hypothyroid and my TSH is showing a trend of rising he needed just 1 more test in May and then he will treat me even if it hasn't hit 10 but has risen even slightly. He agreed I was very symptomatic.

The thing is I am not typical hypothyroid. I don't feel cold, don't gain weight (but can't lose any either, I am on Mirtazapine so no wonder), none of the regular symptoms but I had crippling chronic fatigue and weakness. I told him how i crash after a day of activity or even just a trip out for an hour or two, I will then feel fatigue wash over me and have to rest. Like a crash feeling. He said that sounded much more like CFS and diagnosed that too.

So all of this has led to me having anxiety again. Agoraphobia has crept back in due to how weak and ill I have been. That started after a panic attack in the Dr's room, and from them on I lost my confidence. I also became afraid of going out feeling this fatigued and weak, afraid I would pass out or faint and scare my children. All day I feel anxious on a crash day, worried will I faint or end up in hospital, and how would i cope in hospital having agoraphobia..... those kind of thoughts. I worry about having to even go to the GP surgery but I know he comes to me right now due to my health issues. I do go out, I do the school run and small shops but not much more due to my fatigue and crashes as its too much. My friends tell me how i feel is very normal under the circumstances as I am unwell but I hate it and I keep pushing myself, trying to prove to myself I'm not poorly and this is all in my head but then I crash badly and am in bed for 2 days then I realise I am ill and get upset. I just worry I let my children down being chronically ill and I also I guess feel like 'why me?' wasn't what my family put me through and all the anxiety I worked hard to over come, enough? I then slap myself as I don't ever think about that anymore or feel a victim

I have been reading Claire Weekes, Paul Davids books and all the things that helped me through the anxiety and agoraphobia a few years ago but it's not working this time. I still feel anxious incase I faint or collapse and end up in hospital and fear going to hospital due to the agoraphobia this ill health has caused. Everything I feel scares me, the weakness, the fatigue even scares me.... I then think well other people get ill and don't have anxiety like this, so why am I so afraid. I have this horrible fear of fainting since this ill health, even get terrified before blood tests now incase I faint which I never feared before. I just can't seem to take in what the books say this time because I think well ok I am anxious and yes I do have agoraphobia but it's caused by real health issues, so surely these books that talk about anxiety symptoms can't help me right now.

I am sorry for this long, long post. I hope someone understands what I am saying about how books can't help me. Has anyone any advice of overcoming anxiety caused by ill health?

Thank you if you took the time to read this, I am sorry it got long winded, I am just trying to get out what led me to this horrible anxiety again