Today marks 1 year from the worst night of my life.
How I desperately would love to go back and slap my 30 year old self and tell him not to do what transpired that night. Stay the hell home.
Its been a long year, the first 3-4 months felt like forever.
I never was a big pot head, didn't really even buy the stuff, but I would partake if it was around. I had utterly no idea there was this problem with DP/DR that could happen, If I knew what I did now, I would run, and run fast.
The first week was a nightmare, I couldn't sleep, sweated, had my wife touch or rub me to make me feel alive. I put my fitbit HR tracker on just to make sure my heart was not beating too fast and I was having a heart attack.
My wife had problems with anxiety and panic attacks. I was foolish and didnt take them seriously, thought she should be able to control them better. I apologize to her every day about how wrong and sorry I am/was.
After finding some help online, I was able to put a name on what I had, which made me feel better. I was amazed at how MANY people got this stuff. I had no idea. It was calming to know that there was help out there. I started talking to people and reading the recovery sections at my old spot (dpselfhelp.com) Great! You CAN overcome this! looks like it takes about a little less than a year on average. I had a friend online that had the EXACT same symptoms as me, who was perfectly better at about a year.
6 months go by, no problem I got this, halfway there. I could sleep better, no anxiety, but I still feel "off" or "different". And I couldn't stop clearing my mind of what happened for more than 5-6 minutes. 7-8 months, tried to reassure myself to keep my head up. Coming up on the holidays, spend time with my family , kept occupied, still no anxiety but still cant get over that cured threshold.
And now here we are, one year. Definitely better than when I started, but I cant seem to get my mind away from thinking about what happened. I had about 2 or 3 moments where I went about an hour or so, and i completely forgot about everything, and I know I was fine. God I wish I could get there full time.
But, im no quitter. I refuse to let myself think im stuck here forever. I see people who recover after 2-3 even 20 years. I hopped over here because there was a bit too much negativity on my previous form. I am determined to get better, and then spend my time helping others too. I dont really have any anxiety , just that really big "off" or "weird" feeling. Maybe its a different form of anxiety, or PTSD.
Just wanted to share my story and hope you guys have a good Tuesday morning!