Hi everyone.

This week I started to write a diary of everything I feel day to day. I'm doing it to see if it will help me in any way, and also thought it might be something to share and discuss with others.

So please feel free to comment if you can relate to it, have any advice for me, or if you want to discuss the content within. I will say it reads very much like I'm rambling half the time, so hopefully it makes sense.

One thing I would like to ask people is if this does indeed seem like dp/dr or disassociation? I still haven't got a proper diagnosis and to be honest don't know if I actually exist.

Anyway I will post the first three entries I've made below this introduction. I will try to update it every day. Just so you don't get confused; 'Issi' is my girllfriend, and 'Ma' is what I call my mother. Anyway, thanks in advance for reading.




Experiences/ diary of my issues.


31/05/2017

Today I went for a long walk around Stockley Park. When I was in the park at the top of the hill, I was looking out at the horizon seeing rows of trees and mostly natural land. It seemed impossible that being as I was in a town I could only see nature in the distance. This made me conclude of course that the world wasn't real and didn't make sense.

This evening we were watching the election debate. I still can't seem to grasp the existence of people around me. It feels like they are not actualy there, and when I say things related to what is happening in my surrondings it doesn't feel like I am actually in the moment. It feels like the things coming out of my mouth aren't actually things related to my thoughts. I find it funny how I can talk about normal things, yet I don't believe I am real or the world is real. It's like things I am talking about don't actually exist or that I am watching someone else talk about these things.

I haven't been concentrating as much on my talking today. Things I've said have mostly been about the things mentioned above and felt like I was talking about things that don't exist. When I really think about it still, I can't work out how I am shaping words. It doesn't make sense to me how I am able to do so. Doesn't make logical sense that I am making a combination of shapes with my mouth. It doesn't feel like it is me talking. It feels automatic.


01/06/2017

I'm going to start with the thoughts that have plagued me this evening. Yet again I feel like im convinced that I'm not living in the real world. Like somehow I'm in a different world. I don't know if this is a thought, or if I actually think this. I tend to believe it, my head is so muddled up. Why can't I think about things normally? I read about this thing called cotard syndrome which seems to have some of my characteristics. It says it's rare. If I had it, would I actually think or know I had it? If I really thought the world wasn't real, would I worry about having it? Makes me feel so lost.

I went out with Issi today. She was her normal self. I am still getting my usual thoughts when out and about with her though. I seemed able to cope reasonably well though as normal speaking just seemed to be happening, and I was talking about subjects that I don't really think are there.
Had a therapist session. I was talking alot so didn't actually have time to really think about how I was actually doing it. It's weird how it's got to the point that when I don't think about how I'm doing it, I'm worried about the fact that I am not thinking about it. She obviously doesn't seem to think there's anything more wrong with me than 'disassociation' and anxiety. Well she hasn't called anyone to wheel me away yet.

I keep thinking I just want someone to come and take care of me. I feel like I don't have the energy or strength to do this myself. I can't believe that I am not in hospital if I am indeed real and just ill. If nobody is doing this, is this evidence that I'm not in the real world? I just want to be sure of myself. I want to know what is right and be confident in what is going on, but I don't.


02/06/2017

Today has been a bad day. I don't know where to begin. I'm struggling with the sheer amount of thoughts and ideas that I am having. I seem to be thinking different things minute by minute. I have been very confused and worried about all of them.
So it started of this morning with a continuation of what I was thinking last night. Yet somehow today it seemed to develop and I feel in a complete muddle. I will write all of the thoughts I've had in the order I remember them.
I literally can't seem to accept that all I am is unwell. It's almost as if I have disassociated from that along with everything else. That's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway. That all the confused thoughts I've had today are simply because of illness. But somehow I don't believe it. I feel like I am not ill. The idea of illness has no meaning to me. This leads me to of course conclude yet again THAT I AM NOT REAL.

I'm also struggling with the fact that my thoughts and ideas seem to have changed so much over time. For some reason this feels wrong. My opinion and feeling on something can literally change at the snap of a finger. I start to conclude that it is wrong for one person to have this many thoughts and opinions therefore this can't actually be happening. It is especially troubling when I think back to the supposed person I used to be. Completely different to this person I am now. That person could accept things, and draw logical conclusions from all the thoughts in his head, and the things that surrounded him. Am I a different person to that guy? Am I somehow in a different universe?

Looking back at my writing now, I can't even remember alot of the things that were going around my head today. The one thing I can say is that I feel so unconvinced that I am actually ill and that something isn't happening. I don't know what that is, but I just know I have no feeling towards the words 'ill' or 'anxiety' and no association with either words. Therefore it feels like that can't be whats wrong with me.

While all these thoughts were going on, I did go out today. I went to Uxbridge with Ma and barely talked. I wasn't really concentrating on what was going on around me. I just replied flippantly to any questions and continued thinking. Writing this now, it is fairly hard to put anything that has happened in to words. When Issi text me earlier, I tried to tell her what I was feeling, but I couldn't seem to put it in to words on the text. I don't know if it is because I was scared of what she would think, or if it is because it is impossible to put in to words. I guess that is what it is, I don't actually know what I feel, I can't interpret anything. But then again I get confused over how sometimes I can feel like I have all the answers, and then the next moment I feel that I was wrong to have those answers and didn't consider something else.

Looking back some more, this reads like an absolute mess, which I guess is what my mind is like at the moment. I can't seem to trust any conclusion. I will try not to think of it, yet it feels that I need to, yet I know that wont help. But then I worry about the times I'm not thinking about these things. It seems almost like there is two different people thinking different things at different times. Nothing seems possible.

I was going to write about the rest of the day, but the thoughts and feelings were much the same, and I seem to keep going off in tangents. If I were an outsider looking at this, it would look to me like the thoughts of a rambling mad man. I will say that I did go to bed and sleep for two hours as soon as I got home, just to get away from all of this.
I will finish the entry by saying that I just feel very insecure, and all of the feelings I have had over the last few months have really got to me today. I can't seem to accept the fact that they have been and gone and I can get over them. Oh well we will see what tomorrow brings.