I've been having a really tough week. Last weekend I noticed i had a couple of small but palpable lymph nodes in my neck. Of course I freaked and went to the doc, he said it was nothing, just a small reactive node. Still, I've been constantly checking them, worrying, trying and failing to determine if they're getting bigger or smaller. Today, I had just about finally convinced myself to relax and then I felt with my tongue a small, painless hard lump in the jawbone where a wisdom tooth used to be. I can see it, it's pink and a little bigger than a pinhead.

Well, I lost it, I tried to find a Saturday dentist on my insurance and couldn't, and I just broke down. I know it's almost certain to be nothing, probably a bone fragment that is pushing it's way out after some time, it happens. Or any number of benign conditions, the symptoms I have are either something common and harmless or would only come with some sort of super rare bone cancer that's about as likely as getting struck by lightning.

But I'm still worried. And you know what bothers me the most? Not that it might be cancer but how I'm gonna be for the rest of the weekend and until I can get in to see a dentist. I'm dreading and even fearing the stress and worry I'm going to have, knowing I won't be able to let it go. It was a year ago this month my dad got diagnosed with a brain tumor, and it's been a super hard year for me whole family, and I think "wouldn't this just be the perfect capper for this crappy year, to get mouth cancer." I know that's magical thinking but I still can't shake it.

I just feel hopeless, that for the rest of my life I'm going to freak out over every tiny, 99.9%-gonna-be-benign symptom for the rest of my life. I had it under control until my dad got cancer, but it's been worse than ever since then. He's doing fine, he's responding well to treatment and his prognosis is good. But it's just left me raw, like 20 years of building up coping strategies and resistance to HA was wiped out overnight. I hate being this way.