Hi everyone,

Sorry in advance for the long post! I’m wondering if anyone can provide me with advice on my situation. As supportive as they are, my friends and family don’t understand what I’m going through and I don’t really know where else to turn.

Here’s a bit of background on me. My only official diagnosis has been generalized anxiety disorder, but based on my own reading, I may also have traits of OCD and borderline personality disorder (BPD). I have chronic anxiety about many things and have difficulty controlling my emotions. I tend to always think worse case scenario and sometimes get sent into panic mode where I only think in black and white. I also can be very sensitive and lose control of my emotions during stressful situations, such as when I have a fight with my boyfriend. This has caused a lot of distress in my life over the past few years. The only way I can think to describe my anxiety is that it ‘latches on’ to different scary thoughts that I have, which then spiral out of control and I cannot stop obsessing over the thoughts. In the past my anxiety has been mostly focused on my health (convinced I have heart disease, cancer, etc), but recently it is on intrusive suicidal thoughts. Right before Christmas I had a bit of a mental breakdown and was not able to function normally as I was having unwanted thoughts about suicide or losing control and hurting myself - even though I didn’t want to. I convinced myself that it was a possibility as I have self harmed in the past and it really scared me.

I decided to go to my GP as I couldn’t function in the state I was in. However, my GP is on vacation right now and a few doctors are filling in for him. I saw one of the doctors just before Christmas and I told him what I was going through. He seemed truly concerned for me but also very reassuring, gave me the numbers for crisis lines, and said that I needed to make an appointment for right after the holidays to come up with a treatment plan that would probably consist of medication and therapy. He gave me a prescription for 20 tablets of clonazepam to get me through the holidays until I could get back into the doctor’s office. He told me that while they are habit forming that I should not be scared to take them if I needed it to get through the day. I felt really reassured that we had a plan, and I had the clonazepam as a “back up” if things got too hard to handle. I ended up doing pretty well over the holidays and didn’t need to take the clonazepam but felt comforted that I had it. I made an appointment by his recommendation to get counselling through my school and the first appointment is for the end of January.

Today I went back to my GP’s office and there was a different doctor filling in. She had a totally different outlook than the other doctor I saw before the holidays. She told me I should never take clonazepam or any other medication as if I did I could become dependent on it and a drug addict. She suggested a meditation iPhone app and counselling from my school as solutions and told me that “everyone goes through having anxiety” and that I just need to learn that it’s all in my head. I now feel very discouraged and belittled. My anxiety has been so bad that I cannot leave the house or do anything but cry in my bed for days at a time. I’m willing to give the iPhone app a go, but it seems very hopeless to me that this is the only help I’m offered. It just seems that I was told if I’m feeling scared of being suicidal that I should play meditation games on my iPhone to make it go away?? I don’t feel that I’m getting the help that I need and I’m scared of taking the clonazepam now. My counselling appointment is only for the end of January, and even then my school only offers short term counselling (a few sessions max). I told this to the doctor and she said I probably only need a few sessions to learn how to stop worrying about everything. I was hoping maybe she would refer me to a psychiatrist due to the severity of my anxiety lately, but she seemed to think that the counselling will be enough (I hope it is)…

Can anyone give me advice on what I should do? I desperately need help to get through this. At my first appointment I was so hopeful and now I feel like my options are an iPhone app and a couple of counselling sessions. I just feel hopeless. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm overreacting.