I feel selfish for writing this given the more serious things going on in the world right now and my problem was partly self inflicted. I haven't drank for 2 months until last night. I didn't miss drink but thought I would have one drink with my Easter meal. As some of you may know, my stepdad died in Dec quite suddenly and today would have been his and my mum's wedding anniversary. Mum called me last night in tears over it all and the grief came back to me in such a huge wave, not that it ever leaves but it felt like it was brand new again. I had a little breakdown after I got off the phone to her and used booze to 'help' it. I am so angry at myself because I have been dealing with grief, covid19 worries, lock down, money worries etc without booze and been coping pretty well tbh without it. Didn't even think about having a drink when I was stressed. I didn't feel drunk or even numb tbh last night but must have had quite a bit as my 70cl gin bottle was half empty.

As always with drink, I sleep very little if at all, even after just one. Literally got no sleep last night and the time I got closest to sleep, I woke up with a jolt sharp pain in my heart area and that set off a huge panic attack which led to multiple diarrhea trips to the toilet for 2 hours straight, then more panics about wtf that pain was and now hours on, I still haven't slept and can't sleep for the tight feeling in my chest and restless feeling in my brain. I also feel quite bad DP/DR, dizziness, palps, just not right etc. I can't stop crying with anger at how stupid I was to drink when anxiety, insomnia and chest pain the next day was the biggest reason why I quit.

I've tried to sleep so many times but it just wont happen right now so I have went for a bath, tidied up, ate a little something, read Dr Weekes books and now I am going to see if playing a game on my laptop might help. I haven't left my house in 3 weeks, maybe a walk later would help? I was so close to calling Samaritans earlier during the worst panic attack but didn't want to waste their time when they will have a lot of calls right now.

I have poured the rest of the gin doesn't the sink. I am not going through this again. There's enough on my plate right now without adding hangover anxiety.


Hope you are all doing ok