I've been sitting on this for nearly a week now because I have absolutely no idea what to do with it.

Basically, I come from a family that doesn't talk about things. Not ever. When my parents found out I was self-harming I was told to never mention it again, likewise when my ex sexually abused me. When my mother had a spinal tumour I was only told this, seemingly out of spite, when I asked for an apology for her laughing about a foot injury I'd suffered.

That was a few years ago, though, and things have (mostly) got better. They're in their 80s now and mostly pretty mellow, and I'm glad I weathered the tough times with them.

Of course, with lockdown I've been keeping in touch with them more often, increasing phone contact from once a week to once every few days. I mostly chat to my mother, because I think she needs the company. This Tuesday, we were having the usual casual conversation when she casually mentioned that she didn't want Dad leaving the house at all because of his pulmonary fibrosis. It wasn't a condition I'd heard of before and I knew he often had a bad cough, so I didn't worry overly and made a note to look it up later. The conversation finished, and I forgot all about it for a couple of hours until I was chatting to my husband.

I wanted a few facts, so I did a quick check of the NHS website - dangerous for HA people, I know, but I'm pretty good at delineating between checking for basic information and panicking for hours down the Google-hole. Okay, NHS reckoned it was a terminal condition, but maybe I had it wrong? I checked a couple more sites and nope. my Dad apparently has a remaining lifespan of 3-5 years. He's nearly 84, so it'd be a bloody good innings either way.

Still, though, it's some pretty major information for me to process. I could handle it if it hadn't been presented as such a casual thing, but I'm left not knowing whether my Mum even knows about the terminal nature of Dad's condition, if she was just trying to make light of it so I wouldn't worry, or if it was some sort of veiled cry for help. I (obviously) don't know how far he's progressed, either, except that he still sounds pretty okay.

I'm handling it, but I haven't spoken to my parents since then because I have no clue what to say with this as the elephant in the room. I can also feel my mental health getting fragile again and I'm needing to use all my coping strategies to stay above water. It's working so far, but I feel as though if I stop paddling for as much as a second I'll go under and have trouble coming back up again.

Long post - thanks for reading if you made it this far.