The Secret Diary Of Alex Greenland – Aged 39 and a bit
Chapter 1 – A day trip to HMP Ragdale Hall
14:30 – Arrived at the prison and was greeted by one of the wardens, Imagine my surprise when he offered to take our bag, there must have been some kind of mixup.
14:45 – The warden escorted us to the ‘reception area’ where we were provided with our final cup of ‘real coffee’. We were also asked to complete registration forms, I found this sort of odd as I though the prison knew we were coming
14:50 – We were escorted to our cell. I am now getting a bit suspicious as the cell had an en suite bathroom and colour television, Perhaps we took a wrong turning on the A46 somewhere, which would explain why they asked us to register.
15:30 – My fellow inmate suggested that we go for a swim. I asked if we were allowed to leave the cell and she answered by producing two KEYS !!!! Now I am totally baffled, this prison seems kind of open – Ah that’s it it must be an open prison.
16:00 – Arrived at the pool and was handed another key, for something called a locker !, that sounded more prison like so I was getting a bit more relaxed. Spent ages floating around in the pool and playing on the provided equipment, perhaps this prison liked to keep the inmates fit.
18:00 – Decided that the wrinkles were getting serious so went for a shower. I am sure the initial coffee was drugged as I am now feeling very relaxed, perhaps the coffee was drugged?
20:00 – After sitting in the room enjoying a G&T I smuggled in, the security here is very lapse, it was suggested that we go to the mess hall for some chow. Realising that I had not eaten all day I decided this was a good idea, even prison food can’t bee that bad when you are hungry.
Arrived at the mess hall and was escorted to the table by another warden, I recognized her as a warden as she had a bunch of keys.
Next came the biggest shock of the day, as we started to eat a bottle of champagne arrived – wtf is going on I thought, I am now beginning to wonder if this is a prison
21:30 – Returned to or cell to watch the in house movie. It was a very odd movie about some girl that was sentenced by a court and sent to some institution, I was now feeling at home
23:30 – Decided that it was time to sleep, the lights went off without me touching them – Not sure if this was my fellow inmate or the wardens doing it.
10:00 – Awoken by strange noises in the corridor outside, perhaps this was the time they do the inmate count. I was waiting for the wardens to break the door down but this didn’t happen, instead a tray of food was delivered – I am beginning to like this prison.
11:00 – Having scoffed the food, well if you can call a load of citrus fruit and apple juice food, I had to go for my first torture session.
11:15 – Arrived at the prison torture cells and was promptly called to have my reflexes ologied. Not being very up to date on this form of torture I was unsure what to expect.
I opened the door to the torture room and found Cibyl Fawlty sitting there, it was scary trust me. She explained that she as going to ology my feet.
It turns out that this ology thingy involves her pressing hard on my feet and me telling her when it hurt, from this she would tell me what was wrong. The problem was that it hurt every where which meant I was dead, obviously I wasn’t so I discounted the ology thing as a fad and left.
12:15 – Went back to the mess hall for more nosh. Again the food was great, no champagne this time which was a tad disappointing but perhaps they had run out.
14:00 – Had to go for another torture, this time a full body massage. I arrived at the torture cells again and was promptly called to a room. I was met in the room by a 25 year old blonde with huge ****, her name was Rachel – I guess this from her badge. I truly thought this was the end, they are sending me out with a nice sight. Rachel promptly asked me to get undressed and under the towels, wow I though this could be fun – then she left the room. She returned and started to rub oily stuff, I am sure it was wd40, into my legs, arms, neck and back. She asked me to lay on my front which I did and she continued to massage my back. I was laying there thinking ‘what kind of prison has a 25 year old rubbing oil into its inmates’, whichever one it is I want to go back to it.
After about an hour of this torture, well I call it that but have book another 10 sessions!, I was released from the torture room.
15:30 – My fellow inmate informed me that we now had to leave the prison. I was very upset at this as so far I had really enjoyed this prison and could not see why most inmates in prisons complained.
To add to my confusion my fellow inmate was paying for our stay, it was at this point that I noticed the name of the prison on the headed paper ‘Ragdale Hall Health Hydro’. Ah the penny dropped this was not a prison but a health farm.
Chapter 2 – Being Serious
A BIG BIG thank you to Nic for arranging the stay at Ragdale. I can thoroughly recommend Ragdale to anyone that’s thinking of going to a health farm it’s a fantastic place and I will be going back. For those interested have a look at http://www.ragdalehall.co.uk/
I am VERY cynical of things like Reflexology but was VERY impressed when she picked up on a few problems that I do have.
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