Hi everyone,

I've never really spoken much about general depression etc. on this site, mostly just health anxiety - which is still a problem for me at the moment, but I feel like I need to talk, or vent, about how bad my mental health is in general right now.

Honestly, I don't know where to begin... some of you will know that I'm an incredibly unmotivated person with social anxiety, I'm 20-years-old, never had a job, and I'm terrified to get one. I've been doing a lot of thinking and these feelings all seem to tie back to how I feel about my appearance. To put it bluntly, I feel like I'm the ugliest person alive on the planet right now. A lot of the time I avoid mirrors around the house and the front camera on my phone so I don't have to be reminded of the way I look, and I feel like nobody is ever going to want to be in a relationship with me. There are certain aspects of my appearance that I just can't change and I feel cursed. Whenever I go out for whatever reason, I feel like a "sore thumb" who everyone is staring at. Sure, I could lose weight (I'm "average" weight, not skinny at all, but I don't look conventionally fat, not that there's anything wrong with that) and I think that would improve the way I look and feel, but I would still look ugly.

I know most people will say "I bet you're not ugly" - my head shape is ugly, my nose is ugly, my ear lobes are ugly, my lips are ugly, my side-profile is extremely ugly in my opinion. I've been called things in school before (so has everyone) that have stuck with me, and will stick with me, for life. I've been rejected by certain people before because of my looks.

I've spent the most part of the past 4 years, since I left school, just hiding away from the world and people my age who I may know. My self-esteem has never been worse than it is now and it's just dawning on me that I can't live a "normal" life like everyone else because of these inhibitions. I'm lonely. I could cry thinking about all the things I'm missing out on in life for these reasons that I can't change - I can't make myself suddenly become attractive. Nobody is ever going to want to sustain a relationship with me because I'm just abnormally ugly. I've seen other "ugly" people in friendship groups and everything, but I don't want to be friendzoned for my entire life. I'm jealous of the attractive people.

I have "spoken" with people online before in that way who at least said they found me attractive, but I just feel like they're just being nice. But I've also spoken to a handful of people on dating apps etc. who lose interest in me once they see what I look like. Which is the biggest punch in the gut ever.

So yeah - right now, I'm just feeling extremely depressed and hopeless and not really worth it. Doomed to be lonely, unless maybe someone settles for me for lack of a better option, or is attracted to just my personality, which I think would be a little sad.

And on top of that, I'm also worrying about my health currently, and the fact that real life is catching up with me after I've been avoiding it for so long.

Therapy is something that I like the sound of at the moment, but I don't know if "Breathe in and out" / "Challenge this thought" will be of much help to me.

Thanks so much for reading.